The SmackDown Report

Oy. What a week. My computer has pretty much carked it and, thanks to my TAFE schedule, I am unable to ring people to help me fix it. My iRiver started dying as well. It’s just been a general all in all tiring week. I was scheduled to get as drunk as possible tomorrow night, until everyone has practically had to cancel. Thank god the holidays start eventually.

A special introduction by Michael Cole, and Maria is our special guest host tonight too. Nice to see they’re trying to make the ‘Season Premiere’ episode seem important. Maria is with the Ying Yang Twins, whoever they are, and Maria introduces Coach and Vince McMahon. Coach calls the Twins the kings of country. For some reason, they’ve decided not to introduce brand spanking new credits like they did last year – sad, I love it whenever there’s new credits. It entertains my short attention span. We’re in Atlanta, Georgia.

Batista, your and my new World Heavy Weight Champion, makes his way on out. It actually seems a lot more normal to see Batista with the gold. Batista reminds us who he beat to win the belt back, and says that he knows Mysterio will one day be World Heavy Weight Champion again. Batista says that Khali will utilize his rematch clause at No Mercy; in a Punjabi Prison Match. Mark Henry’s music hits and it looks like they remember these two were supposed to feud one of these days.

Henry says he could care less about a few things, but he cares about Undertaker returning to SmackDown next week – in a match against Mark Henry. Nice to see them giving me the Unforgiven Main Event for free. Henry says he could take the belt any time he wanted; Batista calls him as stupid as he is ugly. Batista accepts a challenge for a match tonight.

Still to come: Kristal and Theodore get married, Rey Mysterio’s first interview since returning.

Commercials.

Maria is with the Twins until Jeff Hardy makes his way on scene. Always nice to see attractive men on SmackDown, I think.

Opening Match: Jamie Noble vs. Jimmy Wang Yang
Yang gets a hurricanrana and a few kicks to start. Yang goes for the ten count punches but Noble pushes him off. Yang runs into a boot and Noble gets a nice shot in on Yang’s elbow. Noble goes after the arm in some nice continuity Yang escapes the arm bar with a chop and runs into the ropes, but runs back into a leg lariat by Noble. Noble with a elbow drop to Yang’s arm. Noble with a nice arm breaker for a two count. Yang makes a brief comeback but Noble takes Yang down with an arm bar, but Yang gets to the ropes. Yang leaps over Noble but Noble takes Yang down. Noble thinks he sees Hornswoggle in the crowd, but it turns out to be Shannon Moore! Yang with a nice cross body off of the top rope! Yang sends Noble back into the ring; one moonsault later and Yang has the match won.
Winner: Jimmy Wang Yang

Five out of Ten. I’m loving this – Hornswoggle as champion is the best thing to happen to the cruiser weight division in years, simply because it’s interesting and it’s getting attention.

Matt Hardy and MVP are playing football through a car tire. Hardy makes a joke about some sports guy that I’ve never heard about. Hardy says he wants a United States title shot; so Porter brings up their tag team title reign, and they’ve got a match next too.

Still to come: Batista vs. Mark Henry

Commercials.

Second Contest: Montel Vontavious Porter and Matt Hardy vs. Deuce and Domino
So, between this and Henry vs. Taker next week, I’m getting two Unforgiven matches for free. So glad I didn’t buy it. Deuce and Porter start; Deuce attacks Porter right away, but Porter gets a nice overhead belly to belly. Hardy is tagged in and Porter nails Deuce with a clothesline. Hardy with a swinging neck breaker for a one count over Deuce. Porter tagged in again, so Hardy nails Deuce with a suplex. Porter with a drop toe hold; Domino knees Porter and Deuce kicks him down for a two count. Must’ve been some kick. Domino tags in and we head to commercials.

Commercials.

We’re back and Domino has Porter in a cobra clutch. Deuce gets tagged in, and he kick-starts the match with ever so exciting generic offence. Domino gets back in and tags right back out. Domino gets Porter in a suplex and Deuce gets a flying clothesline, pretty nice double team move. Porter ducks a heel kick by Deuce and Porter nails a jawbreaker. Hardy and Domino are tagged in. Hardy with the usual offence; elbow off of the second rope to Domino, shoulder body toss to Deuce, and clothesline bulldog combo to both of them. Side effect on Domino; Hardy sets up for the Twist of Fate, but Porter tries to tag in. Domino knocks Porter off the apron; neck breaker to Domino for a two count. Porter and Hardy argue, and Hardy shoves Porter – Domino rolls Hardy up for the three count!
Winners: Deuce and Domino

Porter and Hardy have a nice little heated argument post match. Porter storms out of the ring and takes all the gold with him backstage. Why do I think that they had the best part of the match where the commercial break was? Four out of Ten.

Theodore Long is backstage with a heap of people. One of them asks how he got a woman as fine as Kristal. Apparently Theodore Long hasn’t done the deed with Kristal yet. Disturbing mental images follow.

Commercials.

Michael Cole introduces Rey Mysterio. Mysterio says it’s great to be back. Mysterio congratulates Batista on his victory, and says that he will indeed become World Heavy Weight Championship again. Cole asks about Chavo Guerrero, and Mysterio says that what he did to Guerrero was redemption. John Bradshaw Layfield tears Michael a new hole, and refuses to ask Rey softball questions. John calls Rey a disgrace to the country and to the show. Rey disagrees, and reminds John that he’s retired because of him. Rey challenges John to a fight and when it looks like it’ll begin – John says that his contract as an announcer, he’s not allowed to beat up the superstars, but he knows someone who loves to fight Finlay. Finlay comes on out and is handed the microphone by John; Finlay promptly attacks Mysterio and lays him out cold. And that’s all she wrote as far as this segment goes.

Commercials.

We’ve still got a wedding to come.

RAW Rebound: Cenas and Orton.

Those twins people are backstage with Maria still. Jimmy Wang Yang makes a brief cameo, and then so does Carlito. Chuck Palumbo drives through, but all he can say is moving his hair and playing with his motorbike.

Still to come: Batista vs. Mark Henry

Commercials.

Video for the current Diva Search. Fascinating. Naomi was cut.

The girls are backstage with Kristal Marshall, and some guys walk on in. Apparently they’re in a band; and they sing a pretty lame love song. But, then again, I don’t like love songs.

Mark Henry and Batista make their entrances

Commercials

Main Event: Mark Henry vs. Batista
Henry with elbows to Batista, sending him into the corner. Henry runs into a elbow by Batista. Batista clotheslines Henry down, but Henry quickly takes him back into the corner. Henry with a few splashes in the corner to Batista. Scoop slam by Henry. Henry runs into a high boot by Batista; flying shoulder block follows. Spinebuster and Batista signals for the Batista Bomb, but Khali’s music hits! Batista meets Khali in the entrance way; Batista gets in shots at Khali before he spears Henry down! Batista back up only to get chopped down by Khali!
Winner: Batista

Khali sends Batista into the steel steps and puts Batista in the middle of the ring. Khali puts Batista in a vice grip, and Henry attacks Batista as well! Khali Bomb to Batista. Hey, the match went about two or so minutes and was inoffensive. Three out of Ten.

Commercials.

And it’s Wedding time! Just to run down the list of guests; Vince and Coach, the Divas, ECW, Cody Rhodes is with Mickie James (wouldn’t they make a really good couple as well?). Tommy Dreamer looks different in a suit. Arn Anderson and I.R.S are even there, Sgt. Slaughter is still wearing the camouflage. Jim Duggan’s 4×4 has a tie. Hornswoggle even comes out from under the ring, and sits next to Coach and Vince – in a very nice touch, there’s a few books on his chair. Aw. And that’s how we head to a commercial break

Commercials.

Theodore Long makes his way out, not even having tucked his shirt. The brides maid and the best men make their way on out. And, finally, Kristal Marshall comes out. She slips over on the steps and Theodore is right there to help her up. The band from earlier plays; Jagged Edge, or something. Never heard of them. Afterwards, Jillian Hall makes her way out! Hall refuses to let the wedding be tainted by Jagged Edge’s horrid music, so decides to sing an original – despite all the begging, she doesn’t stop. Mickie Jamie covers her mouth shut, Candice Michelle picks her feet up, and the pair drag her out – which leads to the priest conducting an ahem and few rounds of “praise him”! In a nice bit, we can hear Jillian’s high pitched muffles (kind of weird, but she makes it possible I miss her on SmackDown).

Meanwhile, Hornswoggle is hitting Coach. Vince gives Hornswoggle a strong talking to. A chant for Hornswoggle starts up; awesome. Who’d have thought the character would become so successful AND would continue to be so successful? The priest continues the wedding and eventually gets to the “Speak now or forever hold your piece” bit And the Godfather’s music hits! I am so marking out right now, despite all the cleavage. In a nice bit of nostalgia, Godfather says half of his catch phrase (why only half?), leaving out the “Pimpin‘ Ain‘t Easy” half. Kristal gives Godfather a fair bit of attitude. Godfather, just like he did to Viscera back in 2005 with Viscera and Lilian, tries to stop the wedding – but Theodore refuses. Godfather asks if anyone else would like to take a ride, so Ron Simmons raises his hand, obligatory “Damn!”, and Godfather takes a fair portion of the Wedding Guests with him! JBL puts his ass in gear and runs right after the ho-train. And now, only Coach, Vince, Hornswoggle, few of the divas, Patterson and Briscoe are left.

They begin their vows. Theodore gets through his, but Hornswoggle gets under Kristal’s dress! Coach gives chase through the dress! Hornswoggle, Coach, and Vince run backstage – they should so have turned that into a Benny Hill sort of skit, complete with the music. Kristal says I Do; Theodore drops dead and the happy married couple are Wait, huh? Kristal screams pretty loudly, as any person would in this situation, what with her fiancée dying and all. Medics run out, and apparently Theodore’s having a heart attack! SmackDown ends as Theodore’s being assisted by the Doctors.

The Inside Pulse
Jimmy Wang Yang pins Jamie Noble: 5/10
Deuce and Domino defeat Matt Hardy and MVP (Domino pins Hardy): 4/10
Batista defeats Mark Henry via Khali DQ interference: 3/10
SmackDown 21/09/07: 12/30

That wedding segment was fun. I loved The Godfather’s appearance, it’s one of those things that are great in very rare moments. Some people might bitch about the segment going on for too long (I think it clocks in between 20-30 minutes), but seriously, this is the sort of fun shit I’ve been wanting the last few months. Mindless, corny, popcorn, whacky, some of Rob Scheinder’s movies kind of fun. It’s not a mystery storyline, it leads to character development, it’s interesting and it’s a nice twist – especially considering since it looks like Kristal was the one who was going to have the heart attack. The wrestling may not have been great, but oh well. That last segment left me in a really good mood.

As far as the rest of the show goes; I haven’t seen Hardy and Porter team up yet, but I love what I see so far.

Hornswoggle as Cruiser Weight Champion has given the division it’s biggest boost in ages – especially now with Hornswoggle’s McMahon situation. Now, if the division could consist of more than Moore, Noble, and Yang, I’d give it more credit.

As for the main event; it build on a year plus long storyline, was very quick, and was nowhere near the train wreck it could have been. But why would I not surprised to see Khali/Henry vs. Undertaker/Batista in a few weeks time?

Until next week, have a good week!

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