Welcome to the Official Pulse Wrestling’s RAW Report. I’m the new guy Matthew Michaels referred to last week, Paul Marshall. Not much time for intros. We got Raw to cover, so let’s get to it.
Tonight, we should see Triple H take on Carlito inside a steel cage, some fun and crazy things involving Hornswoggle and Mr. McMahon, and a little bit of John Cena wanting to kill Randy Orton. Maybe as a bonus, we might see some diva action.
We go straight to the opening video and pyros to open up the show. We’re live from Milwaukee, Wisconsin. In the ring, Johnathan Coachman is in the arena flanked by security. We get a recap of what happened at Unforgiven and the match that was made last week involving Randy Orton and Mr. Cena. We get to the fun part of Randy Orton making Mr. Cena his rightful b*tch and his son stops the beatdown. Back to the live feed and Coach was disgusted at Randy Orton’s actions and has indefinitely suspended Randy Orton. He introduces his boss, Mr. McMahon.
He power walks down the ramp and gets inside the ring. Mr. McMahon thanks the fans for the ovation. He says that they should be respected and all that jazz. He complains about a certain man that has a lack of respect, and that is Triple H. Vince is tired of the embarrassment and he will do something about it. He makes our main event tonight in the form of Triple H v. Carlito inside the steel cage. But wait, the fun doesn’t stop there. Carlito gets a partner. He adds himself to the match, making it official. He now invites his illegitimate son, Hornswoggle, to the ring. Hilarity ensues as the Little Bastard hugs Vince’s legs. Vince owes Hornswoggle an apology. He makes mention that what happened last week was only a test. He places him above his biological children and they get all lovey-dovey. Apparently Hornswoggle is like Vince…a genetic pimp. He brings out Melina as she’s looking hot tonight. Hornswoggle is really shy as Melina turns him on and calls him Horny. HA HA! She wants to know if Hornswoggle wants to get to know her better. He assumes the position and mounts Melina and takes the first kiss. Vince is in approval mode and has them have a beer. He mentions the Birds and the Bees as everyone in the house is laughing.
They leave and Coach says that it’s wonderful. Coach says that William Regal returns to RAW Next week and assumes the position once again. Coach, however, has other ideas. He wants the job permanently. That brings the WWE Champion, John Cena, out there and he’s throwing weapons galore in the ring. Cena takes out Coach after being threatened of his title being stripped and everyone leaves the ring. Vince is ticked off and he exclaims that he should strip John Cena of the WWE Championship. It’s not up to Vince, but it is up to Coach. Tonight will be a Championship Surrender ceremony. Cena will be pleading with Coach if he wants to keep the Championship. Tonight will be a very interesting night.
We return to RAW and we get a recap of what happened moments ago. No need to repeat myself, I just wrote it a moment ago.
Cody Rhodes v. Hardcore Holly?!
Cody Rhodes is out and on his way to the ring. His opponent…HARDCORE HOLLY?! I thought Hardcore Holly’s career was through. Holly has a microphone and he says that with a name like Cody Rhodes, he belongs in a boy band and not in the ring. This will be a true test of old v. new school. Holly starts out on the offense. Tie up in the corner and a break is called for. Mutual shoves out of the way as Cody takes Holly in an armdrag. The offense is short lived as Hardcore Holly backs Rhodes in the corner and beats him With respect. Headlock applied and Cody tries a reversal. Cody is on the attack and scores a near fall. NICE Dropkick and Holly is whipped to the ropes. Nice leverage from Cody who crashed and burned. Alabamaslam try…connects. The pinfall is academic.
Winner: Hardcore Holly
We get a pimp of the newly-improved main event featuring Carlito & Mr. McMahon versus Triple H inside the cage.
We’re back and we get a clip of Stone Cold and the movie, Condemned. We get a Championship Surrender Ceremony pimp for later tonight as well. Earlier today, Randy Orton recorded some comments. He congratulates Cena for being the biggest phony in the WWE. He referenced the coward’s way out Cena took at WWE Unforgiven. He addresses Mr. Cena, who probably lives off his son. He states that being a WWE superstar is his livelyhood. Things are changing as Randy enjoyed beating his father up last week. We get the reference to No Mercy and their Last Man Standing match. I thought Randy Orton was suspended? Randy invites Cena and his father to RAW next Monday night.
Cue annoying Italian music and we get the beautiful Maria and Santino Marella. Santino is in action against Ron Simmons…NEXT!
WWE Rewind: Two weeks ago, Santino attacks Ron Simmons and we get the best line Santino uttered his career…DAMN-UH!
Santino Marella (w/Maria) v. Ron Simmons
We’re back as the annoying Italian music until Ron Simmons makes his entrance. J.R. makes reference that Simmons was the best man at Teddy’s wedding on Smackdown. Simmons is on the attack early, not losing any ring rust. Santino rolls outside the ring for a breather. He complains of a jawache and he runs away. Simmons chases after him and he walks into a beatdown. Headlock applied on Simmons as Maria looks on innocently. Simmons is in trouble as Santino nails clubbing shots to his back. Irish whip try, but Simmons is too powerful. He mounts a countback and tries the Dominator. Santino rolls outside the ring and he takes Maria with him as the referee counts him out.
Winner: Ron Simmons (via countout)
Ron has the microphone and he has something to say.
Cue the music and we get our pimps for later on tonight.
Cue an Undertaker promo as we get our pimp for Undertaker versus Mark Henry…the rematch this Friday on Smackdown!
And we’re back. For those that want to know, the WWE Diva Search is still going on. It’s much better this time around with it being on WWE.com. Tonight, it’s Diva Limbo. You only have until 10PM Eastern to vote tonight.
Melina and Jillian Hall are somewhere. Jillian says that what Melina is disgusting and is looking to ruin her own reputation as dating Hollywood A-listers. It is revealed that Melina’s doing it for a future Women’s Championship opportunity as a favor to Coach.
Back to the meeting of the minds as Trevor Murdoch and Lance Cade are talking to the Highlanders. The Highlanders want a title shot and they want it now. They pitch that they can pick any stipulation. It’s not on tonight as Coach has other plans for them. As punishment, they show what’s under their kilts.
The steel cage is coming down…our main event is coming up.
Behold…the King…the King of Kings. Triple H is here…Triple H is in game mode…Triple H is ticked off. Enough of those references for the moment. He has been lucky in the previous Handicap matches, but it seems tonight is not going to be his night. Triple H sits atop the steel cage as we hit the 10PM Eastern hour of RAW.
He spits in the face of those that aren’t cool…It’s Carlito! He walks down the ramp, and waits for the man who shouldn’t be wrestling…the genetic jackhammer…Mr. McMahon. Somehow, I feel that this match isn’t going to be going on for long.
Triple H v. Carlito & Mr. McMahon
Vince looks to escape early, but Triple H is too smart. He’s grounded in the corner until he fights out. Vince looks to really want to make Triple H lose. He hangs McMahon’s grapefruits out to…hang. HA HA! Carlito follows up with a low blow. We head to commercial with Triple H in pain.
Preview: Elijah Burke v. Kevin Thorn v. Tommy Dreamer tomorrow night on ECW.
And we’re back. Mr. McMahon is still incapable of doing anything as his grapefruits are in need of tender loving care. Carlito is pulling the slack. Once Carlito is dispatched, Triple H takes care of Mr. McMahon. Carlito gets introduced to Mr. McMahon as Triple H stalks McMahon. Crotch Chop and Pedigree try NO! Backcracker! McMahon tries to crawl out, his hands touch the floor. Triple H is successful at that exchange. Carlito keeps Triple H occupied as McMahon is on top of the cage. Triple H and Vince McMahon are on top of the cage! Carlito tries to pull Triple H off, but to no avail. Vince escapes the clutches of Triple H and he lands on the floor!
Winners: Carlito & Mr. McMahon
Triple H sits atop the cage, looking at Mr. McMahon while he gloats in victory. He sees Carlito still in the cage. He tries to escape, but gets a low blow for his just desserts. Carlito is now being dissected by Triple H, busting him open. Triple H bashes him into the cage a few more times and delivers the Spinebuster for good measure. He leaves the cage and finds a steel chair. He goes to hit Carlito with it, but seems to have a better idea. And indeed he does a Pedigree onto the steel chair as Carlito is lifeless in the ring. He leaves the ring and bows down to the fans. We get a replay of the Fall of Carlito, Slobberknocker style.
Pimps away Will John Cena give up the title tonight?
We get a No Mercy preview of the two main events that will take place (one that we know for certain, one that we don’t.)
We’re back and we have a match going on?!
(non-title) Brian Kendrick & Paul London v. Trevor Murdoch & Lance Cade
We join this in progress with the Highlanders at ringside. If Kendrick and London win, they get a tag title shot next Monday. Paul London gets slammed by Lance Cade. Tag to Murdoch who connects off the top rope. Knees to the back and London is reeling. Streth applied as Paul London nails a hurracurana and tags in Kendrick. Kendrick goes all out as a pin attempt is interrupted. Kendrick scores the Sliced Bread #2 as the Highlanders interrupt the fast paced match and beat down London and Kendrick. They want their shot at the World Tag Titles.
Winners: Paul London & Brian Kendrick (via DQ)
In the shower, Melina is in all her glory as Hornswoggle is there! He sees her goodies as she dries off. She sees him and she screams her lungs off. He chases after her like the horny bastard he is. He takes the towel off her and he runs away. Don’t worry…nothing much is seen here.
We’re back as Mr. McMahon is going to take a shower. Coach tries to get his attention as he warns him that Triple H is looking for him. It doesn’t bother Mr. McMahon as he has Triple H’s number. He did win the WWF(E) Title off Triple H several years ago.
We get a promo for The Condemned as Santino continues to give the movie low ratings. Go out and buy or rent the DVD yourself and see whether or not Santino is right. Either that, or you can check out the review Danny Cox did on the movie right here.
We are back to the live feed as we review what happened earlier during the cage match. Vince won…we get it. He’s better than everyone.
Back to Mr. McMahon’s office as he gets ready to leave. Triple H is there to give him a challenge. Triple H versus Mr. McMahon next week on RAW. Vince tries to reason with him, but Triple H insists. Mr. McMahon accepts the challenge and Triple H leaves him with the parting words of “You’re Screwed”.
We get a Juiced 2 rewind and it is of Jeff Hardy beating Shelton Benjamin last week.
We’re back as Jeff Hardy is coming out and he’s rocking. We got ourselves a Mixed Tag Match tonight. His partner is the sexy Candice Michelle. We’re in Candice’s hometown, by the way. Shelton Benjamin comes out and I’m thinking that his partner will be Beth Phoenix. I’m right.
Jeff Hardy & Candice Michelle v. Shelton Benjamin & Beth Phoenix
The men fight the men, the women fight the women, as J.R. reminds us. Shelton is getting the upperhand, but Jeff fights back. Lariat by Jeff Hardy and he applies a wristlock. Benjamin counters but he gets knocked on the outside. Beth Phoenix channels Chyna as she tries to nail Jeff on the turnbuckle. Both Hardy and Michelle do the Hardy Leg Drop and as we go to break, Benjamin and Phoenix are on the outside.
We are back once again with Beth Phoenix in control of Candice Michelle. During the break, Candice was laid to waste by Beth. Candice tries to fight out and Beth gets the tag. Twist of Fate try, but he gets the Whisper in the Wind. Hardy bails from the turnbuckle and into a powerbomb by Benjamin. Headlock applied as Hardy is seemingly fading. Knee to the back as Benjamin remains in control. Hardy gets back up and he fights out of it. Reverse Neckbreaker by Benjamin gets a close two count. Both men collide in the center of the ring as the divas get the tag. Candice gets the best of Beth Phoenix and gets a close two count. Poetry in Motion and Hardy gets taken outside. Beth nails the Cradle Suplex and that gets the win.
Winners: Shelton Benjamin & Beth Phoenix
We get a replay of what happened.
Jeff checks on Candice as we head backstage.
Coach is going to make a statement. He is saying that there is a very good chance that Cena will be stripped of the championship. He then clarifies that Randy Orton is only suspended for tonight. The press tries to get more questions, but to no avail.
Next week, Triple H takes on Mr. McMahon. That will be a good match.
In the ring, Johnathan Coachman and a lot of security detail, as we prepare for Cena pleading to Coach to remain the Champion. Coach states that Cena brought it on himself. He beckons for John Cena to come out. Cena stalls as Coach is getting frustrated. He gets his wish as the WWE Champion answers the call. He gets inside the ring as he is tense. Coach tells him to relax and Coach reminds him about what happened last week. Coach gives Cena one chance and that is to show Coach the respect that he deserves. Coach wants him to beg in an effort to keep the championship.
Cena is quiet as Coach takes his suit off. Cena responds by taking his shirt off. The easy way is to hand the championship to Coach. The hard way is to allow the security detail to take the title by force. Cena looks like he’s going to nail somebody with the title. The bell rings as Coach is interrupted. Lillian Garcia informs Coach that John Cena will not be stripped of the WWE Championship. Coach is beside himself as Lillian announces Cena v. Coach in a Tables Match. Coach is in trouble.
John Cena v. Coach
Cena tells Coach that he knows nothing about respect as Coach is decked. F-U try, but Cena chooses to use the STFU. After Coach taps out, Cena then takes and F-U’s him through the table to end the match.
Winner: John Cena
Hornswoggle comes out on the stage. He uses the power as a McMahon son to book the match. It seemed as Cena knew all about it. Cena celebrates as we go off the air.
Thank you for joining me for coverage of Monday Night RAW. I’ll be back tomorrow evening with a review of ROH: Driven. My first week on the job and I’m already covering for somebody. This should be fun.
The Inside Pulse
Hardcore Holly d. Cody Rhodes
Ron Simmons d. Santino Marella via countout
Carlito & Mr. McMahon d. Triple H
Paul London & Brian Kendrick d. Lance Cade & Trevor Murdoch via DQ
Shelton Benjamin & Beth Phoenix d. Jeff Hardy & Candice Michelle
John Cena d. Coach
Tags: Raw, WWE