HALO 3 COMES OU…
I MEAN WRESTLING!
T H E
M O N D A Y
N I G H T
R A B B L E
Yeah, so tonight the most overly hyped game of all time appears at midnight. I don’t really give a crap even though I have an XBox 360. Instead, I am here at a bar in the middle of New Jersey watching professional wrestling. I find that to be a better idea.
Oh – and Heroes is on tonight, but I’m DVRing it.
Here’s tonight’s Rabbletiers:
– Jeffrey – Master Bartender
– Mike – Master Wrestler
– Bill – Master Debater
– Dani – Master Girlfriend
And your host, he rules Bartertown, Master Blaster himself, James Hatton… me.
Also the Master Forumers. Lords of the Inside Pulse forums, the Insyders.
So we have a steel cage match tonight!
“We might even see Carlito win..” – Jeffrey
“*Raucous laughter*” – Myself & Mike
Starting the show has Coach in the ring with security guards standing around the ring. They are there because of John Cena… duh.
“Ya know, Coach/Cena really doesn’t have the same feeling as Austin/McMahon…” – Me
So we get a recap of last week’s Orton vs. Mr. Cena. So, due to Orton’s activity against John Cena and his father, he’s been suspended indefinately. Hmmm…. interesting.
“Attempted Suicide = Suspension?? Isn’t this just going to make Randy more depressed?” – Insyder TheTitan
So anyway, here comes Vince.
“Cue Hornswaggle…” – Me
Nope, it’s Vince! Vince explains that people shouldn’t boo Coach, they should praise his wisdom. Vince wants to talk about a man who spits in the face of respect.
“Carlito?” – Me
Oh.. Triple H. Vince explains that Trips is going to walk from this ring defeated tonight. He’s going to hurt Trips where it counts.
“I’m cauterizing Steph’s vagina.” – Me
“He made the kid.. he’s in for the long haul..” – Mike
So Vince changes this to a handicapped steel cage match.
“Hornswaggle helping Triple H?” – Mike
So Carlito’s tag team partner….
“Uma… no.” – Me
“Who isn’t suspended?” – Mike
“Still could be Hornswaggle.” – Mike
“Does that mean his face is gonna get wedged in Carly’s buttcheeks?” – Insyder BlackHeart
Vince also states that he owes someone an apology. He asks his son Hornswaggle to come on down.
“I want an Irish Jig version of ‘No Chance In Hell'” – Me
“OY OY!” – Bill
So here comes Horny hugging Vince’s leg. Vince gets to a knee and starts to apologize about how he called Horny an embarrassment.
“So what happened after he left in the limo last week?” – Bill
Vince explains that his hate last week was all a test.
“He gave him a Freindship Test!” – Me
“You know what he got… F+… Click.” – Bill
Vince hugs Horns and says that now as a McMahon he has great money and great power.
“..and great responsibility!” – Bill
So apparently some women are after Hornswaggle.. Vince wants to introduce one right now. Melina?
“Wow, I want to see a split in that skirt.” – Mike
“She actually looks alright tonight.” – Me
“Is she wearing green for him… aww… she’s wearing white after labor day.” – Dani
So Melina explains that they’ve never gotten to talk because he’s always on Smackdown.
“And you are hideously short.” – Bill
“He should leap up and hump her.” – Mike
“I bet Hornswaggle would like to go up on her.” – Insyder BlackHeart
“Its like they are trying to draw the internet audience away from Heroes with some good old fashioned midget-on-horse porn.” – Insyder JockParty
“Can they show interspecies erotica on basic cable?” – Insyder Crippie
Horny leaps on her and starts rolling around with her. He gets pulled off and they are going on a date out throughout Milwaukee.
“Vince getting the cheap pop tonight.” – Bill
So Vince then says as they leave ‘MY SON.. HORNSWAGGLE & MELINA!’
“Wait… she’s her son?” – Mike
“That’s why the forumers call her move the Crying Game!” – Me
So Coach stops Vince before he leaves and begins to talk about how Regal is coming back next week and will be resuming his activities as GM…. he doesn’t want that. This is all stopped by John Cena coming down and throwing chairs into the ring.
“What are you doing here?” – Coach
“I was bored…” – Dani
So Cena is told that if he touches anyone, he’ll be stripped of the title! Oh, so he charges in and hits everyone! Vince gets to the top of the key and says he should strip Cena of the title. It’s not up to Vince though.. he’s going to let Coach decide.
Vince says later tonight there might be a title surrendering ceremony! It’s ALLLL up to Coach.
“WE’LL LIMIT YOUR ABILITY TO SELL PROFITABLE MERCHANDISE OVER AT WWESHOPZONE.COM!” – Bill
COMMERCIAL ONE – 9:19
Now though, Cody Rhodes!
Now someone returning to Monday Night Raw… ummm?
“- “Hey look, there’s a young wrestler who hasn’t been unnecessarily stiffed, disrespected, or injured.”
– “And heeeeeeeeeere’s Bob Holly!”‘ – Outsyder Cash Kerouac
CODY RHODES vs. HARDCORE HOLLY
Crap.. Holly’s on Raw
Holly comes in with a mic.
“I will kick your ass fo real.” – Me
He says he should be in a boy band, not in a ring.
To get Holly’s respect. You have to earn it.
“This from Sparky Plugg…” – Me
“Yeah, but now he’s hardcore!” – Bill
“Hardcore Sparky Plugg!” – Jeffrey
So match starts with them pushing each other corner to corner. Holly goes for a punch, ducked and into an armdrag and dropped to the mat.
Holly gets to his feet and grabs Cody. Thrown to the ropes and caught by Cody, rolled up into a sunset flip for two. Holly now bring Cody to the corner and chopping him all stifflike.
Snapmare into a chinlock from Hardcore. Cody continues to get to his feet and fights out of it to eat a club to the back. Holly picks him up for the atomic drop. Cody lands on his feet and hits the side russian for two.
Holly goes for a clothesline, ducked and a crossbody from Cody for two. He throws Holly to the corner and charges, he’s lifted up but lands on the apron! Stands on the top rope and LEAPS! He’s denied and eats the Alabama Slam… The. End.
“I love Cody.. he’s such a great babyface. He doesn’t throw punches!” – Mike
WINNER: HARDCORE HOLLY
“So shouldn’t that have won him some respect points?” – Bill
“Oh, Cody’s going down to Heat.” – Insyder The Titan
COMMERCIAL TWO – 9:28
So there is a lead up about the Condemned DVD release.. woopdyf*ck.
So they recorded comments about Orton earlier today.. before his suspension! Here they are:
Orton congrats himself on being the biggest phony in the WWE. He knew he couldn’t beat Orton, so he got a DQ. Cena apparently took the easy way out.
“Hee Hee… his shirt is hugging him or touchign his boobies.” – Dani
“Orton would know about “taking the easy way out.” … Too soon?” – Insyder Blackheart
“This is the Rabble, nothing’s too soon they make dead jokes about wrestlers who arent even dead yet (Virgil, im looking at you)” – Insyder Razor_Mike
Orton isn’t sure what Mr. Cena does for a living. Orton though is a professional wrestler! He told us that. Anyway… he enjoyed beating the hell out of Cena’s dad.
“Did his ears wiggle at the end?” – Bill
“Like Sloth?” – Me
So.. here comes Maria with somebody… my eyes haven’t left Maria so we’ll just assume she’s in the match… or that other guy maybe. I’m not sure.
“Speaking of stiff wrestlers…it’s Santino Marella.” – Insyder Blackheart
“Speaking of stiff, Maria’s with him!” – Insyder DarkStar
Oh – it’s a commercial… but it seems the other guy is facing Ron Simmons…
COMMERCIAL THREE – 9:38
So Maria’s in the ring with … whomever. Here comes Ron though! THE first black world champion! Let’s see!
THE OTHER GUY vs. RON SIMMONS
Bell rings and Other Guy is hiding on the ropes. OH! It’s Santino!
Lock up to the corner and pushes him to the corner. Ron clubs his back lightly… punches. Throws him to the ropes and Santino bails – Hey Maria!
Ron bails out of the ring and Ron follows. He rolls in and eats a couple of stomps. Santino throwing elbows to the small of Ron’s back. He preens for Maria and throws Ron into a chinlock.
Marella breaks the hold and throws Ron to the ropes and drops him with a fist to his back. Ron stays down and keeps eating elbows to the back. Finally on their feet Santino tries to throw him to the ropes. Blocked by Ron. Pulls Santino into a clothesline.
“Ron is being so lazy.. it’s awesome!” – Mike
Santino throws Marella to the corner. Reversed. Charges and Santino bails. Countout city as Santino gets to the top of the key with Maria… Ron wins!
WINNER: RON SIMMONS
They give Ron the mic.
“This is his first time in the ring doing it!” – Me
He sells the extended pause on it for a long moment…. then the inevitable… Damn.
“Sorry.. had to catch my breath.” – Bill
“How does he still get over that way?” – Mike
“He’s got a sense of timing.” – Bill
He does the handplant over the top rope – nice.
COMMERCIAL FOUR – 9:48
Diva Search… limbo. That’s all I’m writing about this.
“Shows like this make me think steroids are a good thing” – Insyder Razor Mike
Melina in the back talking to that singer girl… whazzername… oh Jillian.
– ‘The correct term is leprichan’ – Melina
So Melina admits that if she took him out, hshe would get a shot at the woman’s title shot. So, anyway… Melina is looking mannish again.
“IF you stare at their boobs it’s better…” – Mike
Anyway, also in the back the Highlanders want to talk to Cade & Murdoch. They want a shot for the titles. Seems the Hooliganz get the shot tonight instead. The Highlanders offer any stipulations they can think of including kilts on a pole match.
“I’M FOR IT!” – Mike
This leads to a Highlanders flashing joke.. brilliant.
“You there got a pretty button.” – Bill
“So, somehow, it’s Monday Night Braveheart.” – Insyder Blackheart
I miss the Highlanders.
“Might they come back!?” – Jeffrey
“And they wanted a match on a pole!” – Dani
“…cabers…” – Bill
So the cage decends!
WINNER: TRIPLE H
Oh sorry… here comes Triple H!
“I thought this was the main event?” – Dani
“The 10pm Main Event” – Mike
Hunter climbs the cage for fun…
Now it’s time for Carlito!
Oh yeah, I forgot… Mister McMahon!
TRIPLE H vs. CARLITO & McMAHON
Carlito charges into Trips and McMahon goes to climb and Hunter grabs him too.
Carlito and McMahon bring Hunter to the corner where he fights his way out of it. McMahon crawls to the doro and he’s stopped by Hunter who then gets hit in the back by Carlito.
So now Carlito holds Trips while McMahon climbs the cage. Clothesline drops Carlito and then stops McMahon standing on the top rope….
“Oooo poor McMahon’s nuts.” – Mike
Dropped. So then Carlito drops and lowblows Trips.
COMMERCIAL FIVE – 10:04
So as we come back – Carlito is eating the high knee and the knee lift. McMahon weak on the ropes and he throws Carlito into him.
Trips just watches McMahon and gives him a suck it – Kick – Pedigg… nope, hit with the backcracker!
McMahon crawls for the cage while Carlito charges Trips. Back bodydrop as Vince’s hands hit the mat. Trips catches him and Carlito runs in to stomp Hunter down. Carlito sends Hunter to the corner as McMahon now climbs the counter corner. Trips drops Carlito head first to the top turnbuckle while McMahon is at the top.
Trips meets him up there! He sends fists to McMahon! Carlito climbs up after Hunter and drags him down by the leg. He headslams Carlito! Vince though has dropped down the side!
WINNER: VINCE & CARLITO
“Cade & Murdoch can’t do it.. Vince & Carlito can.” – Me
“…no cage.” – Bill
Vince does the Trips taunt at the top of the key.. and Carlito is still in the ring, dumbly. Trips catches him. Throws him to the cage a few times for fun. So he’s bleeding. He eats a spinebuster and Hunter leaves to get a chair.
“And THIS is why midcard can’t get on TV.” – Mike
Pedigree onto the chair. OOoooooooo.. mean.
“Did Carlito fail a drug test too?” – Insyder Crippie
“No, he just failed at life.” – Insyder Blackheart
“No, he just got Jerichoed.” – Insyder Razor Mike
COMMERCIAL SIX – 10:17
CADE & MURDOCH vs. HOOLIGANZ
We come back with the match already underway.
Cade in the ring beating the shit out of London. Slamming knees into his back. On the outside the Highlanders watch on as Cade throws him into an abdominal stretch.
Hurricanrana out of nowhere by London. Tags to Kendrick. Missle dropkick. He hits a reverse kick for two on Cade. London leaps out of the ring al hot style.
White Bread on Cade.. One.. Two… RORY STOPS IT!
The Highlanders are beating the hell out of London & Kendrick!
“The HeelLanders!” – Bill
The Highlanders have gone heel! Awesome!
“Leave the little boys alone!” – Insyder Crippie’s Girlfriend
WINNERS: London & Kendrick via DQ
So Melina is in the shower… outside the shower, Hornswaggle is thanking the heavens above. The shower goes off and Hornswaggle puts on the towel. So he apparently gets to see Melina in her nekkieness.
She sees him and screams. He screams. They continue to run down the hallways screaming. Hornswaggle steals the towel and laughs away…
“Did Melina just leave the arena butt-naked? Someone call Animal Control… ” – Insyder Blackheart
COMMERCIAL SEVEN – 10:25
In the back, Vince is happy that he won. Coach explains that Triple H is looking for him. Vince doesn’t care. He feels he could beat him. So as Coach leaves.. Vince packs quickly.
More clips of the Condemned…. la dee f*cking dah…
Santino then tells us it’s below average. He continues to rag on him.
“So are they setting up for Austin to beat on Santino?” – Mike
“If there is one person who has more personality than Austin…” – Santino
“It’s Lance Storm.” – Mike
So Vince is about to leave and Trips is there.. surprise.
So he asks Vince if he thinks Vince can beat him anytime anyplace?
“You can’t see your grandkid!” – Dani
So he challenges Vince for next week.
COMMERCIAL EIGHT – 10:33
Hey! It’s Hardy! …..and….. Candice?
Their opponents are Shelton….. annnnd….. Beth?
JEFF HARDY & CANDICE vs. SHELTON & BETH
Bell rings and Jeff starting with Shelty. Shoulder checks throw Jeff to the corner. Shelton throws Jeff to the ropes. He ducks a clothesline and htis a kick with a fcouple punches. Flying cltohesline drops Shelty.
Waistlock from Jeff, Shelty holds the ropes and Shelton drops it but hits a dropkick to send Shelton to the outside. Jeff hits the top, and Beth tries to stop him, but Candice hits her. They BOTH hit tht eh top turnbuckle togethert.
Candice leaps onto Beth. Jeff leads to Shelty.
“You bitch.. wait til I’m ready next time.” – Mike
COMMERCIAL NINE – 10:42
We’re back with Beth with Candice in a hold… shocker. Quick tag from Beth to Shelton and out of nowhere Hardy just attacks Sheltyt and the Whisper! Hits it. Throws him to the ropes. Dropkick drops Shelty. He heads up to the top and throws nothing and eats a powerbomb instead…. we’re not sure what that was supposed to be.
Anyway, Shelty now puts Jeff into a chinlock and shoves the knee into Jeff’s back.
Punches to Shelts gut to fight out of it. Jeff tries to punch, missed into a backbreaker for two.
Ducks Shelton’s clothesline and double crossbody. Tag to Beth! Candice comes in and hits a few punches and a rana from Candice. She leaps over Beth in the corner and drops down for a pin! Two only. Beth now grabs Candice’s hair and a jawbreaker from Candice!
Jeff hits drops down for the assist and Candice runs and leaps to only hit the elbow on Beth. Amusing.
“Did she make it?” – Jeffrey
“..no… Not at all..” – Mike
Beth stands up and hits the cradle suplex on Candice! Pin. Win.
WINNER: BETH PHOENIX & SHELTON BENJAMIN
In the back, Coach is talking to a bunch of fake press. Coach explains that he might strip him of the title. Coach then tells us that Orton has been suspended not for indefinately, but for 24 hours.
COMMERCIAL TEN – 10:52
We’re back for our main event title removal….
“What a shit end to the show” – Jeffrey
Coach in the ring with all his security discussing how he has the chance to remove the title. Coach explains that it’s really up to John Cena.
He introduces Cena…. or at least tries to.. takes him a few times.
Anyway, Cena enters on in. (10:59)
So, last week Coach asks Cena if he’s proud of his father taking a beating last week. He’s giving Cena one chance to save the title.
“Join the Kiss My Ass club” – Mike
He wants Cena to beg to keep his title. If he does, he might let him keep it.
Cena kisses his dog tags and throws them out of the ring. A long pause…
Coach takes off his jacket and Cena takes off his shirt. This leads us to Coach telling us that he’s going to be an ex-champion.
Cena can either give up the title and leave. Or Cena can have the security guards take it from him. Cena just watches on like a wounded animal.
By the power vested in Coach…. a bell rings! …Umm… wait.
Lillian explains that a very important message. Cena can NOT lose the WWE title. A title match will happen with Cena versus Coach in a tables match. (As a note, there is a table in the middle of the ring.)
CENA vs. COACH
Cena grabs the mic, says ‘You know nothing about respect.’ He picks up Coach. Drops him. Decks him. Hits the STFU.
“Isn’t that too close to the crossface?” – Dani
Picks him up. FU. The end.
“..that..was..so..exciting..” – Dani
We have no idea what the hell that was about. Oh, at the top of the key stands Hornswaggle waving…
“Thank you, Mr. McMahon…” – Cena
Oh teehee.. we’ve been swerved… woo hoo.. this is sarcasm.
So what did we think?
“It sucked.” – Dani
“I would rather have Jeffrey tell me a story about his sexual exploits.” – Mike
“Crappy. I’m starting to like Hornswaggle, though.” – Jeffrey
And me? Whatever.. I’m drunk.
I end the show with Soak1313’s one comment tonight that I think covers us all:
“I was dealing with cpu issues and missed the Rabble tonight. unfortunately i did not miss RAW.”
Tags: Raw, WWE