Available at Amazon.com
Lionsgate presents Pirates Of Ghost Island. Written by Kristin J. Johnson and Pauline Thomas. 80 minutes. Rated R for Violence and language.
Directed By:
Mitch Toles
Cast:
William Landsman. Brad
Maya Gilbert. Squid
Tristan Baker. Mike
Jennifer Cascio. Callie
Melissa Powell. Sarah/Liza
Thomas Stiver. Captain Morgan Stye
The Film:
It’s easy to accept that after the success of The Pirates Of The Caribbean franchise that any Joe loser with a pirate script could find some schmuck to finance it. That is the only logical reason that this film could have been made.
While I couldn’t find an exact number the budget on this film must have been like five bucks. They most likely spent more money on fake blood and bad pirate costumes than anything. The acting is some of the worst I’ve ever seen. The actors are barely reading their words off the page. Not that the words are worth anything. The dialogue is flat and lifeless. The film looks like it was shot on my buddy’s camcorder and edited by a guy who just bought Final Cut and was really excited to utilize all the nifty wipes and filters that the tutorial showed him how to use. Also, I’m not sure the filmmakers ever heard of ADR. The sound is about the worst I’ve ever heard. When they are standing on the beach, the sounds of the wave wash over the dialogue. Hell, even the “climactic conclusion” is nothing but dialogue, boring, boring dialogue.
I suppose I should talk about the story. Way back in 1695 a bunch of pirates land on an island to burry some treasure. While in a cave some weird prisms of light appear and a creepy guy in a brown hooded clock attacks them. A disembodied voice warns them that it will get it’s revenge. Finally the Captain’s wife says they are too late.
Cut to “present day” where a group of kids have found themselves stranded on this same island. Nearly twenty minutes of exposition dialogue tell us that they were on a cruise ship with their graduation party. What school can afford a Caribbean cruise for a graduation party I wonder? Of coarse the girls are mostly scantily clad, one wearing only a bikini. For some reason of the girls becomes possessed by the Captains wife and the kids must fight to save their friend and their own lives. But not before a lot more time is wasted by line after line of exposition dialogue. One of the characters says, “the fact is” a lot and it gets really annoying really quick. Then the other characters start saying it! It’s like some really bad inside joke that writers probably thought was so funny.
The internal logic of the film is completely flawed and non-excistent. For example, apparently one shot of a blow dart can launch five darts. Also it seems in the 1600’s they used the same gas lit tiki torches that upper middle class people use to give their pool atmosphere. Not to mention that these ghost pirates seem to know about modern day things like malls and botox. Huh? At one point I’m pretty sure I saw one of the pirates fake beard falling off. It must also be pointed out that when one of the kids gets his head cut off it’s very obvious that his head is buried under the sand so that it appears gone. About the nicest thing that can be said about this movie is that its only 80 minutes long so if you decide to give it a chance, you won’t be wasting too much time.
With all of these failings in the film on every level one can’t help but notice that director Mitch Toles was a stunt man before taking his hand as a director. If this is the best he can do it might be best for him to go back to what he’s good at.
The DVD:
This film is presented in 4 x 3 letterbox and 2.0 Stereo. It includes English and Spanish Subtitles.
Extras:
The fact is I’m glad this film has no extras. The less time spent with this film the better.
The Inside Pulse
I’ve seen some bad films in my day, hell, I just reviewed Kickin’ It Old Skool, but I really don’t think I’ve ever seen a film this bad. No budget student films are better than this. It’s not even so bad it’s good. It’s just bad, bad, bad. Please heed this warning and DO NOT SEE THIS MOVIE.
