PEOPLE RETURN!
AT THE LEAST – REGAL!
SO WHOM ELSE…
WE’LL FIND OUT
T H E
M O N D A Y
N I G H T
R A B B L E
So tonight, Cena is facing Kennedy.. nobody is explaining where he went. At least they haven’t yet, anyway. So let’s get ready to Rabble!
Joining us are:
JEFFREY – Bartender, not drug user.
BILL – Drug user, not artist
MIKE – Sometimes wrestler, sometimes drug user.. ghey
DANI – Always a woman to me
ERIC – Returning due to drug use.
Finally, their dealer, James Hatton, me.
Let’s not forget over at The Inside Pulse Forums – where we introduce, the Insyders!
Before we begin, let’s see what they are thinking about tonight’s show…
“Hiro has new tights, good deal…. Wait I am rabbling Heroes… not sure how Hatton will like that one.” – Insyder A Faceless Name
“Volume 5 of Family Guy beckons me. RAW has about 10 minutes to entertain me…” – Insyder Kerry B
…great….
Now we’re starting the show with three fat jobber guys and Vince heading on down to the ring.
“He’s going to show us what he’s going to do to Trips” – Mike
“He is NOT going to beat three jobbers..” – Me
“THE SCALAIRY BROTHERS!” – Bill
Vince starts of explaining that tonight’s main event, a Wrestlemania worthy event is going to happen in this squared circle. In one corner Triple H. In another corner the greatest specimen of mankind… Vince McMahon.
“Cena doesn’t even get the main event anymore?” – Bill
“Vince always gets main event..” – Dani
“Hornswaggle gonna win?” – Mike
“Vince putting himself in the main event…I can hear Tony Schiavone now, “That’ll put asses in the seats”” – Insyder SarcasticWolf
“I used to hear Tony Schiavone, then they changed my medication.” – Outsyder Cash Kerouac
We then get a montage of Vince winning things and beating on people. The music for it is kinda badass…
“Hope that’s his new music.” – Mike
“There’s no chance in hell” – Dani
Each of these three men represent a different wrestling style. One represents amateur wrestling. One is a kempo karate champion. (As a note, he’s 300lbs) Finally, a man who is well over 400lbs..
“Sumo?” – Mike
“Lucha!” – Me
Sumo champ. Vince is going to give us a demonstrate what Vince is going to do to Triple H. He takes off his jacket and tie. Just as he’s about to get into it with him, he explains someone ELSE is going to show what he’s going to do… this Sunday.
Umaga!
“So what did you do with your time off? Oh, got a tattoo” – Mike
So Umaga comes in, and beats the shit out of all of them. Sends them each in their own corner. Butt-squashes all around. Thumbpokes to the fattest of them… the end. Oh, and he nosold everything, too.
“This could be Triple H this Thursday…” – J.R.
“…but it won’t…” – Bill
COMMERCIAL ONE – 9:13
We’re starting, and here comes the rainbow warrior himself, with his two little hooliganz.
“I approve.” – Dani
JEFF HARDY & THE HOOLIGANZ vs. SHELTON & CADE & MURDOCH
Greatest Match Ever
“There is such great irony in Shelton being with them.” – Me
“Now, Mistah Shelton, you know what’s goin on after the match.. right?” – Me
“We’re goin to the bar right…” – Bill
“…Riiiiiiighhhht…” – Me
“This here bar looks like a tree, Mister
London starting with Murdoch and fast tags to Kendrick after dropping Murdoch hard. Tag to Shelty and a high dropped full press gutbuster. Now the tag over to Cade and they just beat the hell out of everyone.
Fast tags to Murdoch and a chinlock to Kendrick. Kendrick fights out and runs over for the tag to Jeff. He leaps over and attacks Cade! Double legdrop. Tosses Cade to the corner, the whisper in the wind. He heads up for the Swanton, and Shelton drops him on his nuts.
Shelton on the outside and London goes NUTS! Running shooting star onto Shelton! Kendrick runs in and hits the Sliced Bread 2 onto Cade!
“Isn’t that shooting star lark banned?! Is that the last we’ve seen of London?” – Insyder Dogfingers
Hardy hits the Swanton!
THE END!
WINNER: HARDY & HOOLIGANZ
“I like that those guys can win because they are with Hardy.” – Dani
“…and Hardy leaps off the top rope and pedigrees both.” – Bill
REGAL! REGAL! REGAL! He’s on the phone and he’s interrupted by Vince.
“You look great.” – Vince
“Like you haven’t touched a drug in a month..” – Mike
Vince congrats Regal on Cena/McMahon. Vince though has a favor for him – Vince wants Regal to look after his son tonight. Not Shane.
“Does Regal not know what’s been going on?” – Eric
“…no he’s been suspended.” – Mike
Regal looks down, and Hornswaggle is already gone. Regal even looks behind paintings. Brilliant.
“I fear for tonight’s episode. although the Regal/Hornswaggle stuff should be funny” – Insyder Soak1313
“I bet Regal ends up in the womens’ locker room looking for Hornswaggle” – Insyder SarcasticWolf
COMMERCIAL TWO 9:25
Regal isn’t here. He’s via Satellite. He’s in Chicago, waiting for Cena.
“This was shot the same time as the last one.” – Mike
“He IS wearing the same t-shirt.” – Bill
He claims that the next time we see Orton on Raw, he’ll be the next WWE champion. Likely story.
The Cleveland Indians are here!
“If you don’t help me JoeBoo.. f*ck you JoeBoo… I’ll do it myself.” – Me
Oh, and Diva stuff. I’ll be eating my dinner.
“This could be the hottest Diva search, yet!” – Lawler
“It’s not on tv..” – Me
“How do you quantify hot?” – Bill
The Highlanders are meeting up with Regal. They want a tag team title championship match. They came to the WWE with one purpose. To be champs. They’ll do it whether we like it or not… Oooo and they were wearing black kilts. Nice.
COMMERCIAL THREE – 9:36
Cody Rhodes time! We all notice that Lillian is looking quite pleasant this evening.
“Hey, look, it’s that kid of Dusty’s…” – Insyder Blackheart
We see a flash of him getting his ass whipped by Holly. Rematch time!
“Hey look its Hardcore Sparky Plugg!” – Insyder Razor Mike
“That’s Sparky THERMAN Plug. Remember, he’s hardcore.” – Insyder Blackheart
CODY RHODES vs. HARDCORE HOLLY
Hiptoss to Cody, few of em, they look good! Arm wringer from Cody. Dropkick to Cody out of nowhere and tosses him into the corner. Cody rights out of it, Holly throws punches, throws a miss and pulls on Holly for a pin. Roll-up for a pin.
Cody pushes Holly to the corner. Holly runs in and grabs Cody’s legs for the Alabama. The end.
WINNER: HARDCORE HOLLY
“I’m gonna tell my daaaaad!” – Me
“Kid.. you got spunk… I don’t like spunk…” – Bill
“Crash Holly had spunk.” – Dani
“This has been your weekly commercial for the Why Bob Holly Sucks thread. Bob Holly – crushing young kids’ heat since 1986.” – Outsyder Cash Kerouac
COMMERCIAL FOUR – 9:44
Beth Phoenix is out and she is looking lovely! Anyway, she declares herself the Glamazon and that she is going to be the woman’s champion.
She wants Lillian to announce Beth as the new Woman’s Champion. Lillian does so… just so Beth can hear how it sounds. Lillian gets sassy with Beth, she then crushes Lillian’s trachaea. Hot.
“Lillian is selling a hurt throat better than any superstar out there” – Insyder Soak1313
“Beth Phoenix is in the Charlie Haas spot?” – Insyder SarcasticWolf
Candice then runs in and attacks Beth in a bra. Good enough.
“There are only five bedazzlers holding that shirt together.” – Me
In the back, Trips wrapping his hand.
COMMERCIAL FIVE – 9:52
SAVIOR_SELF!!!! Another f’n commercial! WOOHOO! I have something to do tomorrow.
So here comes Vince. He gets on the mic to remind us and Triple H of a recent incident.
“30 days of… nevermind.” – Me
Oh, and it’s time to play the gaaaamee…
“Time for Chocolate Raaaaaaain!” – Bill
“”Turn that crap off! What’s wrong with you kids and that damn devil music?”” – Insyder DarkStar
“Now I see why that was called the main event, HHH’s entrance is going to take up the entire 10 o’clock hour” – Insyder SarcasticWolf
So he gets to the corner for the praising and stuff, and finally says ‘Lets get it on..’
“That’s what Steph said..’ – Mike
So we’re waiting for the ref.. oh, it’s Carlito!
Vince seems to not have any idea what this is about.
“Carlito swerve?” – Bill
TRIPLE H vs. VINCE
With Cool..
The crowd is chanting..
“Triple Haitch Triple Haitch!” – Bill
So while Carlito is checking Trips boots, Vince slaps him.
“Ohhhh, Dad.” – Me
Bell rings and Vince bails. Carlito begins the count. Finally Trips runs out after Vince, chases him through and across the ring. The long heel slow start.
“This is too much running for there to be no streamers.” – Bill
So Trips finally gets out and grabs Vince, slams his head into a table. Carlito tries to break it up. He pushes Trips. Trips pushes Carlito. Trips rolls in to hit the pedigree on Vince, Carlito hits the backcracker and puts Vince on him for 1..2.. no, fast count and he got out of Carlito’s finisher.
“Epic television right here.” – Outsyder Cash Kerouac
“Oh yeah…this is real enjoyable to watch” – Insyder Soak1313
“God, I’d rather watch Moolah eating breakfast, than watch this shit. Thanks yet again Mr. Levesque” – Insyder SarcasticWolf
Trips fights it out in the corner, low blows Vince. Cold cocks Carlito. Bell rings and Trips has lost…
“That’s right, HHH has to resort to a low blow to beat up a 60 something old man!” – Outsyder Cash Kerouac
“You know Vince’s weakness is in his grapefruits” – Insyder SarcasticWolf
WINNER via DQ: VINCE
“I won the gaaaaaame!” – Me
And so now Umaga runs on down.
“Your ten o’clock clusterf*ck..” – Bill
Umaga runs in, headbutts, big fists, throws Hunter to the ropes. Hunter hits the kick to the face. Clotheslines or three. THen finally is caught in the samoan.. but he gets out of it and hits a DDT. Umaga stands up.
“HE Ultimate Warrior’d the DDT!” – Me
Umaga goes for the squash… He charges and Umaga eats boot. Umaga drops him again! Hits the buttsquash and holds out his thumb. Hunter is against the ropes… Carlito runs in and hits a clothesline?! Carlito then bails.
“I’m so sorry! Look at my hair!” – Me
Hunter on the outside has found a sledgehammer.
“Remember this?” – Bill
“Where’s the lightning?” – Eric
Umaga leaves peacably. The end.
COMMERCIAL SIX- 10:11
Maria is here with her Italian theme music… We are here for a segment called ‘Marella at the Movies’
“This could be genius.” – Me
His cohost is of course, Maria. He’s going to of course review… The Condemned.
Maria thought the movie was fun. Marella thought it was fun if you like ‘smashing your brain in with a meat hammer’. This movie needed someone the camera loves… Santino Marella.
We then get a clip of the Condemned with Santino explaining that we are all Condemned… amusing.
This is all stopped by another movie star… Val Venis! He’s got a new Titan screen.. hot. Santino is upset he keeps getting interrupted. Anyway, Val says he knows a lot about acting. Santino discusses Val’s remake of Shrek.. the poor donkey.
Val then proposes a sequel of Mr. Woodcock with Maria… or he could be in a movie about Santino’s lovemaking, ‘Superbad’.
Santino then beats on Val and his leg. The end.
In the back, Todd talking to Cena. ‘They’ve been talking about how Cena lost at the last show.’
“Who is they?” – Me
“Do they listen to the Rabblecast?” – Me
‘They apparently say you have naked pictures of Umaga on your website.’ – Cena
“He has a website?” – Mike
“He runs WWE.COM.” – Me
Cena then rhymes things. Swearing he WILL GET UP!
“..I swear.. this has never happened to me.. I always get up.” – Mike
We will see a match we will never forget.
“Oh, we forget things all the time.” – Me
COMMERCIAL SEVEN – 10:25
Melina coming out – and the red carpet boys mess up. Anyway, she’s in the ring.
“I love her tights, but her penis is a real turnoff.” – Insyder A Faceless Name
Mickie time!
MELINA vs. MICKIE
Mickie!
“Two diva spots in one show? Is this Smackdown?” – Insyder Razor Mike
Melina hairpulls Mickie. Lock up, and Mickie throws Melina hairstyle. Mickie launches on her and kicks her. Hits the ropes and Melina throws her down on her knee for two. More hairpulls.
Melina kicks Mickie a bit. Throws her to the corner, reversed and now they throw elbows out each other.
“The screaming makes me think I’m watching woman’s tennis.” – Mike
…from the ‘Great Minds’ file…
“God, is this a women’s tennis match?” – Insyder SarcasticWolf
Mickie hits a flying cross. An enzuigiri.
“Val’s been training them for their screaming.” – Bill
Mickie throws Melina to the ropes. She holds on and Mel catches Mickie in her legs then kicks her out. Throws Mickie to the corner. Charge in and Mickie cathes her for a MickieRana.
Back on their feet, Melina out of nowhere gets the set up for the Crying Game… she screams, and Mickie rolls up for the win!?!?!?
Oh, wait. I see, Hornswaggle was hiding at the edge of the ring apron.
WINNER: MICKIE JAMES
He of course comes back out with the top of Melina’s outfit. Things for a moment, then comes out with the bottoms. Oh ha ha. Midgets acosting women. I get it.
We end with Melina hiding beneath the ring screaming as Hornswaggle runs up the ramp.
“And she remains there the rest of the night..” – Bill
COMMERCIAL EIGHT – 10:35
In the back, Hornswaggle is playing with Melina’s clothes. Regal yells at him and Steve O is there… looking for ‘wussies’.
Nobody cares.
“Where’s Triple H to bash Steve-o’s head in with the sledgehammer when you need him?” – Insyder DarkStar
This ends with Regal admiring Melina’s bra.
Steve O goes and finds Ron Simmons. He calls him badass and says he can toughin Ron up more. Ron grabs him and throws him through the exit. Damn!
“Funnier if the door didn’t open..” – Mike
“Just a red smear on the door.” – Bill
Now though, cue Cena? Ok… 10:45… nice.
There is a sign that says SOMETHING… ‘Cena Please Drop..’ can’t see the rest, and…
COMMERCIAL NINE – 10:45
MISTAH KENNEDY! (Oh the sign’s gone..)
He announces that he doesn’t like Cena. What better a man to do it than MISTARRRR KENNEDY!!!
He gets in Cena’s face. KENNEDY!
CENA vs. KENNEDY
Cena takes off his shirt, and girls go wild. Kennedy doesn’t look like he lost any mass. Starts with a side headlock from Kennedy. Throws Kennedy to the ropes and eats a hard shouldertackle.
Kennedy hits the ropes. Leapfrog spot, and Kennedy eats a bad armdrag. Hits a second with an armlock. They fight to the corner with a break.
Kennedy starts it with a kick to the gut, a fist to Cena’s back, and stomps the hell out of Cena, and starts choking him. On their feet, he throws Cena to the ropes, reversed and the crossrope bulldog.
‘Lets go Kennedy’ (men) – ‘Lets go Cena’ (women)
Kennedy beats the hell out of Cena. Heads to the outside and headshot on the steps. Kennedy rolls in and out to break the count.. and commercial.
COMERCIAL TEN – 10:54
We’re back and a chinlock. AMAZING!
Cena gets a back suplex to fight out of it and locks in the STFU. Kennedy taps out of a horrible STFU.
“What?!” – Mike
“Remember, Benoit was taken out with the STFU.” – Bill”
“And then took out his family…” – Mike
Run in – RKO!
“Heyyy, your not in Chicago!” – Bill
Orton grabs the steps!
“Those ten ton steps!” – Me
Orton clocks Cena with em.
“Then goes to kick a random fan in the head.” – Bill
Randy removes the top of the announcers table. Moves the tv’s and all. Grabs a tv and hits Cena. Sets Cena on the table.
“Break before it happens!” – Mike
RKO! Table didn’t break. Orton then screams to 10 at Cena.
“But.. you’re down too right now…” – Me
“Awww look…. Randy has learned to count to 10. How cute” – Insyder Soak1313
Wait, Steve O interrupts the ending. Ron Simmons and he talking.. and instead of ‘Damn’ Ron says ‘Ain’t someplace you gotta be?’ and throws him out again. Tee hee, sorta.
What are the Insyder’s thoughts?
“Needed more Triple H.” – Insyder DarkStar
“Why did the new Jericho video tell H(8)B(2)K(11) to save himself?” – Insyder BlackScorpion
“If 222=BBB does that mean that B. Brian Blair is going to save us from The Iron Sheik?” – Insyder SarcasticWolf
So what did we think?
“Wasn’t bad. Disappointed that Cena.. again.. won.” – Jeffrey
“Solid overall.” – Bill
“Regal = Ratings.” – Mike
“No no, Hornswaggle = Ratings” – Eric
“I concur with Mike. Regal. Equals….” – Me
“Hornswaggle” – Bill
“Ratings..” – Me
