I really wasn’t sure how I felt about my first ever two-hour recap. Frankly, it’s not exactly a new era for TNA; the ratings are not going to increase, and I don’t imagine they’re going to be getting any new fans due to simply increasing the time slot of their program. However, if nothing else, this is a thank you to their fans who have stoody by them, despite things that should certainly have sent them packing. So, let’s get on with it, shall we?
The show starts out with this new intro, detailing some of the history of TNA, talking about how they COULD have given up, but now they’ve grown, and how complete their roster is…long story short, they are certainly making the second hour seem like a relaunch of the whole product. Which, as I just said, it really isn’t.
Wow, new opening video, complete with breaking glass, and, naturally, the removal of the “one hour adrenaline rush” tagline.
Oh, and we’re not wasting any time…
Match 1:
Black Reign vs. Rhino
Black Reign? Really? Is this really the first guy you want to show in your two-hour debut? I can only hope that Rhino will annihilate him and rend him into small black and silver bits.
Headlock on Rhino, then he’s whipped against the ropes, but a returning shoulderblock knocks Reign down, and Rhino pushes him into a corner and pummels Dustin until he retreats to the outside. Rhino follows him out and smashes his face into the guardrail a few times, then once on the ring apron, then tosses him back into the ring. Rhino snapmares Reign, and follows up with a legdrop for two. Irish whip reversed by Reign, but he ultimately gets caught in a Rhino belly-to-belly. Rhino sets up for the Gore, but misses, and Reign recovers with a series of right hands. Rhino’s splayed out on the middle rope, and Reign gives him a guillotine legdrop to the back of the neck for two. Reign sets him up in the corner and hits a running stunner for another two-count. Irish whip on Rhino into the corner, and he lands hard, hitting the mat and suffering another two count. Reign gets Rhino in a headlock, and for some reason, we cut to Raven, sitting in the back on a throne, with bamboo cane in hand and top hot on head. Reign chokes Rhino as we go to commercial.
(Commercial Break #1)
I see a commercial for Halo 3, and I get all wistful, as I could be playing that now. What can I say, I’m a fan.
When we return, Reign is going for a suplex, but it’s reversed by Rhino. They lay on the ground for awhile, lookin’ like sweethearts together, but they both get up and start slugging away. Rhino is whipped into the ropes, but comes back with a flying shoulderblock, and then a clothesline. Reign is thrown into the corner and shoulderblocked, then belly-to-belly suplexed out. Rhino sets up for the Gore, but hey, Raven’s at ringside! When Rhino tries to Gore Reign, Raven pulls Reign’s foot so that Rhino misses. Rhino basically says, “what the fudge,” and when Reign tries to charge him, Rhino dodges, and rolls him up for the three count.
Winner: Rhino via roll-up
Post-match, Rhino goes for a little vengeance, and throws Raven into the corner and starts laying the boots to him. However, Reign sneaks up behind him, and Rhino loses the upper hand. It looks like he and Raven are going to do a backbreaker/top-rope legdrop combo, but Abyss’ music hits, and the large greasy one comes down, but doesn’t make it all the way down until after waiting for his pyro. Huh. He hits the ring and cleans house on the heels, but James Mitchell tries to sneak up on him, but no Judas Mesias, who I’m guessing has a booking in Mexico or somethin. Abyss, wise man that he is, turns around and catches him. This, of course, is only a distraction for Havok to come out and hit Abyss in the back with a Singapore Cane…which does nothing, and Abyss Black Hole Slams him into dust. THEN, Dustin sneaks up behind him and takes Abyss down, and he holds up that creepy looking knife on a stick (which TNA calls the “Darkness Falls” knife…whatever), but before he can go into stabby mcstabberton mode…
The lights go out, and Sting, ladies and gentleman, has joined the party. He clears house on all of the heels, and things are looking up until Kurt Angle comes on the screen. He’s in…California? Sting is none too pleased, whatever the hell is going on.
(Commercial Break #2)
Kurt’s back, at a football field in El Cajon, California. He has to take care of family business…Sting’s family business. You see, Sting’s son, Garrett, plays football, and Angle says that if HE had a son, he’d never miss any of his games. Sting says that if he TOUCHES his son, he’ll kill him, but Angle’s not hanging around to listen to more idle threats, and signs off…for now.
Uh-oh, Jeremy Borash is backstage with Jay Lethal and Sonjay Dutt (playing the tambourine for no apparent reason). Jay Lethal vs. Christopher Daniels is on for Bound for Glory, and Lethal and Dutt proceed to ramble on about nothing in particular until Team 3D comes and annihilates them, again making sure that none of the legitimately talented wrestlers get over for more than a few scant seconds.
And just when you thought the segment was ending, Team 3D drags Dutt and Lethal into the Impact Zone and into the ring, where Devon whips Lethal into a Brother Ray clothesline, and then tosses him out of the ring. They pound on Dutt for a bit, and Shark Boy (?) comes out for the save, still sporting a neck brace from the chair attack last week. Brother Ray begs for his life from Shark Boy (seriously?), but only until Devon comes by and smashes him in the back of the head. 3D for Shark Boy, thank you, drive through. Shark Boy having been defeated, they take the opportunity to superbomb Sonjay Dutt, which, I must say, looks pretty nice. Team 3D then sets up a table in the middle of the ring, and Ray grabs the mic. He says that the match with Team Pacman tonight had BETTER be for the world title, because if it isn’t, this is what they will continue to do to every tag team, and every wrestler, in TNA until they get a title shot. Then, to put an exclamation point on things, they 3D Jay Lethal through a table. That’s what you get for getting over, bitch.
We’re sent to the back, and Sting is on the way to the TV truck to ream out the guys that gave Kurt a camera. He demands a headset to get access to Angle, and they tell him it’ll take a few minutes. Sting screaming at the head technician is unintentionally amusing. “Do it NOW, KEITH!”
(Commercial Break #3)
Sting reaches Kurt Angle, and tells him how much he’ll hurt him if he touches a hair on Garrett’s head. Angle, oddly enough, is glad to feel that old Stinger coming back, and says that he has no intention of hurting Garrett at all (although being sure to mention about how Sting slapped his wife), that he’s just there to enjoy the game, which he’s going back to right now.
We’re then sent to an interview with Robert Roode, where he gives a few interesting tidbits, such as how he got his money (from his grandfather’s inheritance?!…LAME!), and how much better than everyone he is. He notices Ms. Brooks looking at him, and he asks her what her problem is. She shoots icicles at him with her eyes, and we learn that a) Roode notices she’s still makin’ googly eyes at Kaz, and b) the only reason she’s kept the job is that her mother is sick, and she needs the money. Ah, motivation. Where have you been all my life?
Match 2:
Jackie Moore vs. Gail Kim
Jackie starts out with some kicks, and then irish whips Kim into the ropes, but she knocks Moore down. Kim follows with that double-hop twirling armbar off the ropes, and when she tries to follow up, she gets tripped up by James Storm, and kicked in the gut by Moore. Moore chokes her between the ropes, and VKM and Roxy Laveaux come down to the ring as Moore gives Kim a tiltawhirl backbreaker. Christy Hemme comes down with Jimmy Rave and Lance Hoyt as Moore gets a two-count on Kim. However, Kim starts to come back, hitting some offense and a kneedrop as she gets a two-count. She’s whipped into the corner, and Moore charges after her but hits nothing but turnbuckle. On the recoil, Gail Kim hits a neat-looking straightjacket neckbreaker and kills Moore dead for the three-count.
Winner: Gail Kim via straightjacket neckbreaker
Oh, apparently that neckbreaker is called the “Happy Ending,” which is the most offensive name one can possibly give to the finishing move of an Asian female wrestler.
Post-match, all of the ladies run into the ring and start beating on Gail. However, after avoiding a Roxy Laveaux boot, she escapes out of the ring and up the ramp, taunting the heels as she leaves. For some reason, the heel ladies get angry at one another and self-destruct, attacking one another.
Quick note: Before we move on, I want to state that the women’s match from last week has been the best women’s match on free television, bar none, in an incredibly long time. Odd as it is, I am legitimately looking forward to TNA establishing a women’s division, as it seems like they might actually wrestle, as TNA is hiring wrestlers, NOT models who may eventually learn a few moves. While I have no problem with girls like Ashley Massaro or Christy Hemme training and actually working to become wrestlers, but what will get attention is having legit female wrestlers putting on great matches that WWE is simply unwilling to do right now. Although, judging by the godawful No Mercy PPV this past Sunday, WWE needs to try a bit of anything and everything.
Okay, end soapbox.
We’re thrown backstage where Borash is in Jim Cornette’s office. He asks whether or not Team 3D is getting a title match tonight, and Cornette responds that he’s tired of their whining, and so yeah, they’re going to get one. That’ll show ’em? Sting barges into the office screaming about Kurt Angle, and speak of the devil, he’s on the telly!
(Commercial Break #4)
Angle, in California: “This is Howard Cosell, reporting from the frozen tundra of California.” Heh. In a neat touch, Angle says that Larry, the friend that Sting sent to take care of him, will be walking with a slight limp for the rest of his life. Oooh. Angle signs off, and Sting goes a bit of batshit crazy, tearing Cornette’s office apart…which happens pretty much all the time.
Match 3: TNA Tag Team Championship
Team Pacman (c) vs. Team 3D
So now the multi-billion dollar question…wil Pacman actually make physical contact with another human being? I have to say, his face suggests as much intensity as a chunk of mulch. Man, is TNA eating all the hype they put on this guy, or what?
Devon and (surprise!) Killings start in the ring. You know, it’s amazing that Killings can still get the crowd to pop for him simply by yelling, “What’s up!” Lockup to start, and Devon pounds him down into the ground with forearms to the back. Irish whip sends Killings into the corner, but he backflips out of it, then dodges a clothesline with a split, and hits a jumping calf kick on Devon. He follows up with a double jump headbutt out of the corner into the groin of Devon, then a running corkscrew elbow for two. Killings styles and profiles, then (gasp!) tags in Pacman. However, there’s no wrestling involved; Ray brings in a football, and tries to play a little scrimmage with him. They go through some nonsense for a bit, and, just as we have been conditioned to expect, Pacman touches no one, instead dodging everyone, and then tagging back out to Killings. What a joke.
Pacman grabs Ray’s legs for a Wazzup Drop (physical contact!), and Killings hits a pretty nice legdrop right between the legs. Oucharoo. There’s some celebrating, and Ray takes the time to get a chair, but Killings kicks it into his face, and Pacman picks it up. Of course, he doesn’t hit anyone with it, because VKM runs in and starts beating on Killings for some reason, causing a DQ. Pacman chases them away with the chair, and I reach for something with a sharp edge.
Winner: Team Pacman by DQ
Losers: Logic and Decency
And, just to make sure I really don’t care, The Steiner Brothers run down to the ring and chase them away. Whatever.
(Commercial Break #5)
Hey, Raven interview! Raven talks about how he’s learned a valuable lesson from Terry Funk about retirement. Basically, it’s along the lines of, “Thanks, but I doubt I’ll ever be done.” He says that when he gets back in shape (huh…admission), he wants to wrestle two guys: Rhino and Abyss. Abyss comes out, tells him that they should make it a Monster’s Ball match for the PPV, and that he should bring Black Reign. So…is it official?
Regardless, I like the idea of Raven getting back into the bigger picture. He’s been an undervalued talent of theirs for a LONG time, and I hope they really are going to take him a little more seriously now that they have the time to push more people…theoretically.
Match 4: 10-Man Gauntlet Match
#1 – “Cowboy” James Storm vs. #2 – Kaz
Storm wastes no time attacking Kaz, and the action just moves too fast for me to follow, although Storm hits a lungblower (backcracker/backstabber) as a regular move, which is basically an official punking out of it as Carlito’s finisher. There’s also a neat little segment where Storm skins the cat, and Kaz slingshots from the apron over the top and DDTs Storm. Robert Roode is next, and he goes after Kaz, but Kaz sweeps him after catching his leg, then follows with a springboard legdrop off the second rope. He follows that up with a double-jump “shotgun” dropkick to Storm, who’s down in the corner. However, Roode gets the upper hand as Petey Williams comes in.
Petey comes into the ring by blasting Storm with a slingshot facebreaker (using his knees instead of the mat), and that spinning russian leg sweep of his on Roode. He goes to hit Storm with Canadian Destroyer, but gets distracted by Roode, and the heels take over. Next is Eric Young, and now we have all of Team Canada in the ring except for A1, who sucks anyway, so let’s just forget I brought him up. Young spends about thirty seconds outside, and when he comes in, he nearly eliminates Roode. He uses Storm as a battering ram into the gut of Roode, but it still can’t send him out, and Young ends up getting beaten down by a rejuvenated Roode. Jimmy Rave comes out next, hitting a spinning armbar, but getting dropkicked in the back of the head by Petey. More brawling as the clock counts down, and Chris Sabin comes out.
He gets immediately full nelsoned by Rave, but he gets out of it, and hits an awesome spinning DDT on Roode by using Rave and Petey as stepping stones. Nice. Ms. Brooks is coming out, as the counter counts down to the entrance of Alex Shelley. The first thing Shelley does is spit water into the face of Rave, and the MCMG double team and annhilate Rave with dropkicks in a tree of woe. They then eliminate Petey with an enziguri and a backdrop, and Rave with an assisted dropkick. Lance Hoyt comes in next and destroys everyone with chokeslams and sideslams. The MCMG try some more double teams, but Sabin gets backdropped out by Hoyt, and Shelley s basically like, “Nuts,” but then goes back to his own thing. Next on the list is Chris Harris, who beats on everyone, nearly eliminates Storm, but then gets flapjacked by Hoyt. Kaz nails Hoyt with a springboard dropkick, but then makes eye contact with Ms. Brooks on the outside, and Roode seemingly eliminates him. However, that’s not quite enough, and Roode goes through the middle ropes to punish Kaz some more, shouting, “You want to kiss him?!” toward Ms. Brooks as we go to commercial.
(Commercial Break #5)
During the break, Chris Harris was eliminated, and everyone else is still in the ring kicking each other and stuff. The crowd is cheering for Alex Shelley, which of course means that Robert Roode will win. Shelley hops over the ropes and kicks Hoyt in the back of the head, but then climbs to the top and, of course, is big booted off by Hoyt. Toldja. Hoyt then goes for a double chokeslam on Young and Roode, but then the two of them work together to eliminate him. However, once they realize who they’ve helped, they start beating on each other like madmen. Kaz gets involved, and Roode whips him to the ropes, but he slides out and blows a kiss to Ms. Brooks. Back in the ring, he clotheslines himself and Roode over the top, but he holds on to the top rope, eliminating Roode. However, his success is short-lived, as Storm kicks him off the apron and onto the floor.
We’re now down to Eric Young and James Storm. They go back and forth for a bit, but Storm locks in a sleeperhold. They then steal the Austin/Bret Hart spot, as Young runs up the ropes, flips Storm over, and pins him for the win.
Winner: Eric Young via sleeperhold reversal
(Commercial Break #6)
Ultimate X Video Package, and we have XXX vs. LAX in an Ultimate X match at Bound or Glory to look forward to.
We now get thrown to Kurt Angle, still in CA, where he tells us that he’s going to give Garett that “congratulatory slap on the ass,” but that he’s going to do it in private…which sounds…a little…well, you know.
Video Package of Samoa Joe vs. Christian Cage, with Matt Morgan as special enforcer.
Match 5:
Christopher Daniels, Senshi, AJ Styles and Christian Cage vs. LAX, Junior Fatu, and Samoa Joe
Oh good lord, get Rikishi off of my television. I might be able to deal with him if he stops the dancing shit acts as the ass-kicking Samoan Sumo that he was when he FIRST started with that character, but other than that, I have no interest. I don’t have a lot of faith, being that his dashiki says, “BOOTYLICIOUS” on it.
Hernandez and Daniels start, but that lasts about three seconds before Senshi runs in to double team, although Hernandez ends up just clotheslining both of them, and back body drops Senshi into the lights. Tag to Hernandez, and they do a slingshot/clothesline/senton combo. Homicide with a throat shot to Daniels, and Fatu gets tagged in, and he beats on Daniels for awhile until the Fallen Angel goes for AJ. Fatu gives him a middle finger, but AJ is offended, and goes to shake his hand..and pokes him in the eye. Another great example of why AJ Styles is the greatest greater that ever greated. He and Daniels work together, but it doesn’t go well for long, and Fatu gets the upper hand, whipping AJ against the ropes, but he gets caught by Daniels and Senshi, so Fatu knocks them off the apron, and hits a sidekick on Styles. Homicide takes this opportunity to hit them with a suicide somersault through the ropes (which West calls a tope con hilo, but I’m pretty sure that he’s wrong), and lands on his feet, smacking the announcer’s desk with his hands in excitement. However, when he gets back in the ring, he gets attacked by Christian. I guess Homicide is now the legal man, and he gets dropkicked by Christian as we go to commercial.
(Commercial Break #7)
Senshi has Homicide in a triangle choke, and AJ runs across the ring to screw with the faces. Tag into Daniels, and he irish whips Homicide and hits him with a jumping calf kick, then tags in Senshi, and lifts him up into a legdrop on Homicide. Tag into Christian, and he elbows Homicide down and gets a two-count. Christian locks in a chinlock/camel clutch combo, but Homicide lifts him up and drops him down. He crawls to his corner, but Christian drags him back and tags in AJ, who legdrops Homicide, and hits a beautiful dropkick for two.
Tag back into Christian and he and AJ irish whip Homicide into the ropes, but Homicide reverses whatever they were doing with a double DDT. Homicide finally makes the tag to Samoa Joe, and he destroys everyone, including throwing Senshi onto Daniels, and hitting a senton on both of them. Joe and Fatu throw Daniels and Senshi into one corner, and Joe hits a suicide dive through the ropes onto Christian. Fatu smushes XXX, then gives Daniels a stinkface. He sets up for the Rikishi (Junior?) Driver, but AJ knocks him out with a flying forearm off the top. Everyone is everywhere, and I can hardly follow the action. Hernandez can’t get the Border Toss on Senshi, but Joe tosses Senshi out of the ring, and then he locks a Coquina Clutch on Christian, but he’s saved by Daniels. In an awesome spot, Hernandez and Homicide hit Daniels with a Homi-cutter off of Hernandez’s shoulders. Hernandez hits Senshi with the Border Toss, then hits a tope con hilo onto AJ on the outsde. Christian is perched on the turnbuckle, but he’s attacked by Joe, and Senshi goes for a handspring spin kick, but hits Christian accidentally, knocking him down, and I watch his neck bounce off the apron and I cringe. Elix Skipper tries to get involved, but he gets brought in by Joe, and gets nailed with a Rikishi Driver. Joe destroys Senshi with a Muscle Buster, and it’s all over.
Winners: Samoa Joe, Junior Fatu, and LAX via muscle buster
And now, the final image of the show: Kurt Angle approaches Garrett Borden after the game, and rips him out of his car as Garrett calls him a nut, saying that his father never laid a hand on Karen. Angle drags Garrett away, telling Sting that he’ll leave it up to his imagination, and pushes the camera away, and they fade to black. Kind of creepy, but I feel like it was just the right amount in this final segment.
The Inside Pulse
I don’t know if I buy the company line about this being the holy grail, but I will say that if they put on matches like the ten-man gauntlet and the main event every week, they’re in good shape. In fact, I dug the main event so much, that I even liked Junior Fatu, a statement I never thought I would make.
But at the same time, they still have a lot of dead weight that serves no purpose but to weigh them down. The Steiners, Team 3D, VKM, Pacman Jones…get them off of my television. Team 3D might be able to be saved, and while the Steiners are nice in theory, they simply aren’t worth anything anymore. Perhaps Team 3D has outlived their usefulness, but part of me yearns for the old ECW days. What if they took a more supporting role, becoming Raven’s muscle for awhile or something? Something to freshen them up, as they might still have a few sparks left in them.
Not a bad effort tonight, but not a major change for the better or anything.
