Welcome to my worst impersonation of BLATT, as ECW comes to us LIVE YET TAPED from the UK, with rumors of an alliance between ECW and Smackdown in the air…
We’re in the UK, so we open the show with a shot of a trolly, the subway, and a nice, warm plate of haggis! Wait…
John Morrison, the Shaman of Sexy, comes out to SLOW-MOTION HEAT~! Okay that’s a cool entrance. Joey and Tazz encourage fans to vote on WWE.com for who ECW Champion CM Punk’s opponent will be at Cyber Sunday: John Morrison, Big Daddy V or Mike Mizanin.
“Shhh. Do you hear that? That is the buzz. At Cyber Sunday, you the WWE fans make the matches. And that sound is everybody rushing to WWE.com to choose me to take on CM Punk at Cyber Sunday. My time has come, so dream, love, scream: MORRISON! And if you need any more of a reason than this (shows body), then vote for me, check out what I did to CM Punk last week (shows video of last week’s pretty awesome match). I beat CM Punk last week because I am the Tuesday Night Delight, the New Face of Extreme, the Shaman of Sexy. So go vote for me, John Morrison.”
The Miz comes out, sans Extreme Expose, to rebut!
“Whoa, hold on one second. Morrison we get it, you’re a former ECW Champion and that’s why people will vote for you. But, the Shaman of Sexy? Morrison, I get more girls in one night than you get in a year, two years, five years, a lifetime. I get so many girls, I’m bored with them. I’m a chick magnet. You see Morrison, chicks dig me, and their men – including you – fear me, and that’s why the WWE fans are gonna choose The Miz.”
“Hahahaha, wow, and I thought I was vain. Actually, Miz, I’m a bigger star than you can actually be. I’m bigger than sports entertainment, I’m bigger than the Beatles, and I’m bigger than anyone in ECW.”
BUT WAIT! It’s Viscera and Striker, and Styles even calls him a mastodon. He must be big.
“No superstar bigger than you? Yeah, huh? How about the fact that this man is bigger than both of you combined? You seem to have forgotten that this is the third choice to face CM Punk at Cyber Sunday. This is the most dominant force in the history of ECW gentlemen. This behemoth crushed CM Punk’s ribs, and not for nothin, neither of you will ever beat him. The WWE fans have no choice but to pick this mastodon, Big Daddy V.”
Wait, did Striker just call him a mastodon, too? Uh. Wait, he’s gonna speak!
“THE ECW CHAMPIONSHIP WILL BE MINE!”
Oh, that wasn’t much.
“Gentlemen, and I use the term loosely, you all make extremely valid points as to why you should be chosen at Cyber Sunday, but remember, every last vote counts, even mine. So if I was me, who would I pick to face at Cyber Sunday? Big Daddy V, you did crush my ribs last week, you injured me. But on the other hand, John Morrison capitalized on that injury and he beat me last week. Good job buddy. Miz, as far as you go, man, nobody likes you. But I digress. Cyber Sunday is in two weeks, but tonight it is you three against myself and a tag team partner of my choosing. General Manager Armando Estrada said I could pick anybody I want, however he didn’t say it had to be anybody from ECW. So I hope you’re ready ’cause i know i am, boys meet my tag team partner…”
THROUGH HELLFIRE AND BRIMSTONE, IT’S KANE!
Match 1: Smackdown’s Kane and ECW’s CM Punk vs. ECW’s Big Daddy V, The Miz and John Morrison
– Reminder – I don’t do play-by-play. Your ref is Scott Armstrong.
– And the crowd loves Punk, taped ribs and all.
– Match starts with Morrison attacking the ribs, but Punk turns the tables and flips Morrison like a monkey out of the corner — a pretty cool spot that flips Morrison all the way over into a belly-flop rather than a back-bump.
– Kane and Punk tag in and out and beat on Nitro, but Miz gets tagged in and gets pretty insane crowd heat as he rips Punk’s rib tape off.
– V tags in while a bumper along the bottom of the screen pimps a free replay of ECW, “uninterupted,” tomorrow at 4pm ET on WWE.com.
– Morrison in, working the ribs some more, reversed into a boston crab, but the heels again get the advantage.
– Punk hiptosses out of the abdominal stretch for a minor comeback, but hiptoss = torn pec, so Miz again gets the advantage and dumps Punk to the floor as we go to commercial…
– We’re back, and I guess Punk didn’t get counted out, ’cause Punk and Morrison are in the ring, with the heels maintaining control and keeping the champ away from Kane.
– HOT TAG to Kane, as Miz tags in Nitro, and it’s a house of fire?
– Apparently Kane is a power tool, as Tazz explains that “Morrison is getting drilled by the Big Red Machine.”
– AND V is in, giving us a teased dream match of BIG DADDY/KANE!!!!
– Miz tags himself in, but gets caught on the wrong end of a chokeslam, and that’s all she wrote. 1-2-3! Winners – Kane and CM Punk (pinfall, Kane pins Miz after chokeslam)
Styles and Tazz go over the Cyber Sunday main events:
– CM Punk vs. either Big Daddy V, John Morrison or The Miz
– Randy Orton vs. either HBK, Ken Kennedy or Jeff Hardy
– Batista vs. The Undertaker with special guest ref Mick Foley, JBL or Steve Austin
Punk and Kane pose in the ring and set the posts on fire as we head to…
Apparently the new Undertaker 15-0 DVD is available exclusively at Wal-Mart.
We get shots of a pub, then a replay of the end of the match, and Miz and Morrison backstage arguing about the loss. Morrison challenges Miz to a match later tonight so he can prove to the fans that he deserves the title shot at Cyber Sunday, but Miz says, “I just got chokeslammed by Kane, screw that” then DECKS Morrison with a sweet left. Ha!
Styles and Tazz recap the Miz/Balls Mahoney/Kelly storyline, reminding us that Miz owns Kelly’s contract, showing footage from last week when Miz tossed Balls into the announce table and punted Kelly’s teddy bear into the crowd.
Balls cuts a promo backstage in front of the Union Jack, leading to Kelly Kelly asking asking Balls Balls out out. YES!
Smackdown GM Vickie Guerrero and ECW GM Armando Estrada are backstage. Armando: “Pleasure doing business with you, mucho gusto, and thank you for bringing Kane to ECW, muchas gracias.” Vickie wants Armando to bring ECW talent to Smackdown, and also brought Jesse and Festus Dalton to ECW! Armando wants to know what’s wrong with Festus’ face, Vickie answers him in Spanish, then they exchange pleasantries in English and talk a little bit of nonsense.
Brooke, Eve and Lena are the only three left in the Diva Search, and we’re reminded to vote now!
Randy Orton and Mr. Kennedy vs. Jeff Hardy and Shawn Michaels is the RAW main event next week.
Match 2: Smackdown’s The Daltons vs. ECW’s Elijah Burke and Nunzio
– Styles confirms that there’s “some sort of talent exchange” between Smackdown and ECW, and we’ll now see Smackdown superstars on ECW and vice versa.
– Your ref is some guy.
– Ray Gordy’s pretty good on the mic, saying they’re happy to be on ECW, in the UK, and just watch to see what happens when the bell rings, and then when the match is over.
– The bell rings and Festus turns into Angry Festus.
– He beats on Burke who tags out so Nunzio can take a bit of a beating.
– Nunzio tags out, then goes to interfere, but Jesse clotheslines him off the apron, and he takes a nasty bump to the floor.
– Nice crowd pop when Festus tags in, and the fans seem to love his insanely awkward offense.
– Rocket launcher into a shoulder block on Nunzio, 1-2-3, the bell rings, and Festus is back to… uh… “somewhat docile” says Styles. Winners – The Daltons (pinfall, Jesse pins Nunzio after a double-team shoulder block move)
We get a replay of the finish from the first match of the night, and Morrison vs. The Miz is next.
RAW Rebound shows Vince announcing the HHH vs. Umaga Cyber Sunday stipulation choices (street fight, first blood or steel cage match), and Umaga’s three squashes. Tazz and Joey show us how to vote — you’re in control!
Match 3: John Morrison vs. The Miz
– Miz comes out first, then Morrison, and ref Scott Armstrong calls for the bell.
– “You both suck!” chants! Nice!
– Morrison takes control early. Joey puts over the storyline that a miscommunication between the two led to Kane’s chokeslam and pin on Miz earlier in the night.
– Both men come off the top rope and are in pain on the mat when Big Daddy V comes out with Striker to give the Black Hole Slam to Miz, followed by a Samoan Drop on Morrison. It looks like the ref threw the match out before V touched anyone, so we have a no contest as V stands tall. Winner – No Contest
Thanks for joining me for a decent show. Pacing was good, and as long as the Smackdown talent gets sprinkled in here and there (and vice versa) this can be a good idea to keep things fresh on two rosters that have been hurt lately by injuries, suspensions, etc. BLATT will be back next week, so we’ll see you in seven days, same Blatt time, same Blatt chann– eh, you know what I mean.