The SmarK 24/7 Rant for the Monday Night War – March 31 1997

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The SmarK 24/7 Rant for the Monday Night War – March 31 1997

Before we get started, lots of people have asked me where they can find a complete archive of all my WWE and WCW rants online. Well, before you couldn’t, but I’m working on it, and here’s step one: Scott’s Complete WWE PPV Archives. However, you’ll note that this is a password-protected PDF file, which is because I spent the better part of two months compiling the entire 1985-2006 collection of my stuff from my own pesonal archives, as well as scouring the net to find the ones I didn’t have copies of anymore, then converting it to PDF and sorting it by year. So all I’m asking is for $10 via Paypal, which can be sent to skeith@gmail.com, and I’ll send you the password. A WCW one is also on the way, although it’ll probably be cheaper.

On with the show…

– Part One: MONDAY NIGHT RAW!

– Taped from somewhere not mentioned.

– Your hosts are Vince, JR & King.

European title: The British Bulldog v. Owen Hart. Now this is what I’ve been waiting for. Owen baseball slides Bulldog to cut off his entrance and sends him into the stairs. He rams Bulldog’s back into the post, and springboards back in with a bodypress for two. Owen hammers Bulldog down, but they slug it out and Bulldog wins that one. Until Owen kicks him in the little Davey Boys. Owen throws forearms in the corner and catches Bulldog with a clothesline on the rebound for two, and we hit the chinlock. Bulldog fights up, but runs into Owen’s knee. Owen tries the Sharpshooter, but Bulldog powers out so Owen goes to a rear chinlock instead. Bulldog fights out and blocks another knee attempt by Owen with a rollup for two. Nice little callback there. Blind charge hits knee, however. Bulldog with a backslide for two, but Owen dropkicks him for two. Piledriver and we take a break. Back with Owen taking Bulldog down with a legdrag, and a suplex gets two. Back to the chinlock, but Bulldog fights out until Owen elbows him down again. To the top, but Owen’s missile dropkick misses and Bulldog puts him in a Sharpshooter. Badly. Owen quickly escapes and hits the enzuigiri, and they fight to the top. Bulldog sends Owen down, but Owen shoves him to the floor in response and follows with a pescado. Bulldog catches him and slams him on the floor, and back in for the Bulldog comeback. Clotheslines and a catapult into the corner get two for Bulldog. Faceplant gets two. Backdrop and he clotheslines Owen to the floor, and follows him out for a suplex on the ramp. Back in the ring, Bulldog gives him a hairtoss and follows with a press slam for two. Ref is bumped and Owen levels Bulldog with a leg lariat, then grabs the Fink’s chair. Bulldog clotheslines him into it and they threaten each other, but Bret Hart runs in and tells them both to knock it off. No finish at about 12:00. ***1/4 The champs keep fighting and Bret pushes them apart and calls a truce. Bret then gives his famous speech about family values and how this crowd isn’t worth fighting for. Bret rages about the American media turning families on each other, and how the WWF pushed them apart. Bret has a great moment with Owen, and the three men hug to reunite the Hart family and kick off the biggest angle of 1997. The crowd doesn’t really know what to make of this, but soon they would.

Ironically, after Bret’s speech about family values, Sunny joins us for commentary.

El Mosco v. Super Nova. The luchadors trade armdrags and Mosco gets a leg lariat, but misses a blind charge. Nova gets a powerslam for two. Powerbomb gets two. Sunny and Vince totally ignore the match and do PPV plugs and Spanish jokes. Nova goes up with a bad rana from the top rope and Mosco bails, so Nova follows with a somersault tope. Back in, Nova whiffs on a moonsault and Mosco powerbombs him into a springboard moonsault for the pin at 3:53. Blown spots galore here. **

– Jim Ross interviews LOD about their upcoming title match with Bulldog & Owen at In Your House. Nothing of note here.

Jesse Jammes v. Jerry Fox. Jammes overpowers Fox and dumps him, then follows with a clothesline off the apron. Back in, pumphandle slam finishes quick. Honky Tonk Man offers him the spot as his new protégé, but Jesse smashes up his guitar and refuses.

Savio Vega & Crush v. Rod Bell & some other jobber. Just a squash. The Nation wins with Demolition Decapitation at 3:17.

Hour #2!

– Paul Bearer heads out and begs Undertaker to take him back again as manager. Undertaker teases acceptance, but then beats up Bearer instead. Paul runs away, and Mankind attacks Undertaker from behind, and hits him in the face with a fireball. Sid makes the save and chases Mankind off, but he’d be gone from the promotion before they could even get to the PPV.

Hunter Hearst Helmsley v. Goldust. No valets tonight. Goldust attacks to start and hammers away in the corner, then tosses him into the turnbuckles as HHH bumps around. Goldust with the bulldog on the rebound, and Hunter bumps out to the floor. Back in, Hunter goes to the eyes, but Goldust hits him with a butt-butt. Bodypress misses and Goldust hits the floor, allowing HHH to follow with a baseball slide. Hunter does some posing in the ring while Goldust recovers, and it’s back in for a high knee. Hunter stomps a mudhole in the corner and follows with a neckbreaker for two. Kneedrop gets two. We hit the chinlock as things drag along, and HHH gets a DDT for two. Goldust comes back, but hits knee in the corner and gets dumped again. HHH follows with an axehandle off the second rope, to the floor, as Chyna joins us on the ramp. We take a break and return with Goldust hammering away in the corner, and the Curtain Call gets two before Chyna runs in for the DQ at 9:49. Total snoozer. *1/2 Hunter and Chyna continue beating on Goldust, but a fleet of referees and Pat Patterson break it up, and Patterson goes after HHH as revenge for getting beat up by Chyna previously.

– Steve Austin joins us to give his mission statement: He never said “I Quit”, Bret didn’t bust him open, he doesn’t care if people cheer or boo him, and if Bret’s got any guts he’ll put on his pink panties and come out to face him. Bret interrupts on the TitanTron and promises to make Austin look even worse than he did at Wrestlemania 13 the next time they meet.

Intercontinental title: Rocky Maivia v. Bret Hart. Here’s another later dream match. Unfortunately, Bret was retired by the time Rocky got good enough to carry his end in that kind of main event, so it never would have happened. Bret stalls outside to start and they start with Rocky taking him down with a headscissors. They trade armbars and Rocky gets a crossbody for two. Bret tries another wristlock, but Rocky reverses to his own armbar again. Bret takes him down with a knee, however, and pounds on the neck. Clothesline and Russian legsweep set up the legdrop, and Bret chokes him out in the corner. And we take a break. Back with Bret working on the back, into a backdrop suplex for two. Rock comes back with a small package for two, but Bret elbows him down again and follows with a backbreaker, but misses an elbow off the middle rope. Fisherman’s suplex gets two for Rocky. Belly to belly gets two. Hurricane DDT and Rock goes up with a flying bodypress, which Bret rolls through for two. Rocky goes after him in the corner like a sucker, and Bret pulls him down and applies the ringpost figure-four until Hebner rings the bell, rings the fucking bell at 10:34 for the DQ. Steve Austin uses the moment to attack Bret, but the Hart Foundation makes their first official run-in appearance and they all beat up on Austin like a big happy family. The LOD makes the save and we’re out.

– WCW Monday Nitro!

– The universe keeps trying to stop me from finishing this one, and I don’t know why.

– Live from Roanoke, West Virginia! The hottest ticket in all of West Virginia, according to Tony. Is that even saying much?

Lex Luger & The Giant (WCW World tag champions, according to the graphic) v. Rick Fuller & Roadblock. Giant tosses Fuller into the corners and smacks him around to start, and Luger works on the arm. Fuller misses a charge and Lex gets a backdrop suplex and clotheslines him down. Roadblock comes in with the big fat corner splash and an elbowdrop, but Luger no-sells and hits the STAINLESS STEEL FOREARM OF DEATH. Roadblock takes him down again and drops a knee to take over again, and follows with a legdrop for two. Fuller comes in and throws chops, and Roadblock goes up to finish, but misses a flying elbow. Hot tag Giant and he headbutts Roadblock from the apron before coming in with a pair of big boots. The jobbers try to double-team him, but Giant clotheslines them both and the chokeslam finishes Roadblock at 5:02. OK, this was insanely entertaining for a squash featuring four horrible guys. **1/2 Luger must have had the good coke backstage.

– Harlem Heat attacks after the match and Gene interviews them afterwards, as they gripe about getting no respect and how suckas be talking bout them. I hate it when suckas talk bout me.

WCW Women’s Cruiserweight title tournament: Toshie Uematsu v. Meiko Satomura. Women’s Cruiserweight title? WTF? Honestly I was too busy looking up the names online and missed most of the match, but I can tell you that Uematsu gets the win with a flying splash at 2:10. I don’t even remember that title so it can’t have lasted long.

Villano IV v. Psychosis. They trade wristlocks and Villano grabs a headlock, but Psy takes him down with a clothesline. He drops Villano on the top rope and puts him on the floor with Tony’s patented “spinning body attack”, and then follows with a corkscrew plancha. Back in, they botch something and Villano gets two off it. I don’t even know what they were going for there. Villano sunset flip gets two. BUT WAIT! Something’s going on backstage, and it’s the nWo drinking COFFEE! Holy SHIT! Back to the ring, Villano misses a moonsault and Psy superkicks him and finishes with the flying legdrop at 3:46. Mike Tenay tries to call the finish, but Larry tells him to “shut up” and makes his point about Kevin Nash and his cup of coffee. **, because it sure looked like a delicious cup of coffee. And I don’t even drink coffee, but Big Kev makes it work.

– Ric Flair joins us for an interview, but Roddy Piper quickly interrupts for no good reason. Flair goes off into a long and rambling promo about partying and how he ran the Nasty Boys out of the territory and I think the end result is that they agree to be friends. They lost me about 5 minutes into it. Were they even fighting? Didn’t they team up at Uncensored just a few weeks before this?

WCW TV title: Prince Iaukea v. La Parka. Parka throws chops in the corner and they totally blow a moonsault press spot, as Iaukea’s timing is way off and he gets kneed in the head as a result. Parka keeps going and hits a senton from the top for two, and a moonsault gets two. Parka misses a charge and hits the post, and the Prince dumps him and follows with a dive off the apron. They brawl on the floor, and Parka gets his trusty chair and puts the Prince in it. Great spot follows as he hits him with a tope suicida to knock him back out of the chair, which Tony again calls a flying body attack. Back in, Parka keeps shrugging off the Prince’s offense, but Prince superkicks him and then misses a high cross. Parka beats on him in the corner and they head out again, and Parka baseball slides the chair at him. Parka follows with a Sabu chair dive and the bell rings, and now even the ref is confused. But the match continues as they head back in and Prince finishes with a cross-body at 4:32. Totally weird, as Parka was determined to do the match he wanted and it looked like he kept having to no-sell the Prince’s shitty offense to walk him through it. *

Lord Stephen Regal v. Chris Jericho. Regal informs us that Prince Iaukea will be sucking his food through a straw, sunshine, once the PPV is done with. Jericho grabs a headlock to start and Regal casually wrestles him to the mat to counter, but Jericho puts him on the floor with a leg lariat. Springboard dropkick follows as the crowd loses interest because of a fight on the floor. Back in, suplex into a Lionsault gets two. Regal blocks a superplex and throws forearms, but Jericho comes back with a superkick into a rollup for the pin at 2:28? That’s a pretty big upset for the time period. *1/2 Regal messes him up but good afterwards and stretches him until Renegade and Joe Gomez make the save. More accurately, Renegade watches while Gomez tries to save, but gets nowhere. Kidman tries to save and gets destroyed, as does a very young Lenny Lane, long before the days when he became Jericho’s protégé or worked birthday parties.

WCW Women’s title: Akira Hokuto v. Debbie Combs. Hokuto attacks from behind to start and does the hairtosses on Combs, then chokes away on the ropes. Lots of that follows. Combs comes back with a weak gutwrench suplex and a cross body for two. Hokuto boots her down and finishes with a german suplex at 2:25. Tony calls it a tiger suplex before Tenay corrects him. Pretty pedestrian stuff. *

– Madusa comments after the match, yelling “Roanoke rocks!” like she’s drunk in a karaoke bar or something, and Hokuto attacks for the pullapart brawl.

Jeff Jarrett & Steve McMichael v. The Amazing French Canadians. Tony tells Bobby that the state song is “Carry Me Back to Old Virginny” and Bobby’s reaction is hilarious. I take my entertainment where I can get it. Jarrett evades the Quebecers and they head out to regroup while the Horsemen celebrate. Back in, Jacques slams Pierre on Jarrett, but Jarrett gets a dropkick and brings Mongo in. Then Public Enemy runs down and they go after Jarrett while Mongo fights off the forces of Canada alone, but gets hit with his own briefcase and pinned at 2:57. Total crap. DUD

– Jarrett and Mongo squabble again after the match.

Diamond Dallas Page v. Lance Ringo. Sounds like a gay porn name. Page attacks and elbows away in the corner, then drops him with a backdrop suplex. Ringo tries to escape to the apron and springboards in with a dropkick, but stops to mock DDP, and Page finishes him with a fireman’s carry into the Diamond Cutter at 1:56. Pretty much an F5, actually. I don’t know who “Lance Ringo” is or why they gave him so much screen time. 1/2*

– Randy and Liz question whether DDP has any “family jewels” to go with his Diamond moniker. Nice one.

The Steiner Brothers v. High Voltage. Apparently, this is our feature bout. That’s pretty sad. Phil Astin could probably finance a new house off these guys. Scott hammers Kaos to start and Rick adds a Steinerline into a release german suplex. Rage gets a cheapshot from behind, however, and Rick hits the post as a result, injuring that bad ear again. Back in, High Voltage shows off their mad double-team skillz and Kaos gets a neckbreaker for two. Rage tries a springboard senton and misses by six feet in a laughable spot, and it’s hot tag Scott. Gorilla press for Rage and the STEINER SCREWDRIVER finishes at 3:32. Holy crap, I didn’t know he did that one on Nitro! Total squash, of course.

– Nash and Syxx chase off the announcers and take over the booth and complain about the other team members abandoning them for Dennis Rodman’s movie premiere. Is the nWo breaking up again? TUNE IN NEXT WEEK TO FIND OUT! Or don’t, whatever.