Okay, so I was gone for two weeks and we’re going to have a match between Kane, Big Daddy V, the Great Khali and Mark Henry? Oh dear God. How did I get so lucky? I’m being punished for missing the shows, I know it.
DON’T QUESTION THE FIRE THAT BURNS INSIDE!
ECW is on Strong Island tonight, and we’re starting with Elijah Burke, who makes his way to the ring from the Halloween Havok themed ECW entrance ramp. He’s fighting…
Elijah Burke over Jimmy Wang Yang by Elijah Express
I like Akio. He had some of the best matches ever with Paul London on Velocity. But on ECW? This whole talent exchange thing is a load of crap if you ask me.
Collar and elbow, Burke goes into a headlock. Burke pulls Yang to the canvas, Yang fights up and out, whips Burke to the ropes and Burke comes back with a shoulder block. Yang gets up, Burke runs to the ropes and eats a back elbow and a standing backflip moonsault for a one. Yang hits a chop and a punch, ships Burke to the ropes, Burke holds on the ropes and body drops Yang to the apron. Burke slams Yang’s head to the turnbuckle and Yang falls out of the ring. Burke pulls Yang’s into the ring and stomps the shoulder and drops a knee on the elbow. Burke continues working the arm and gets a modified hammerlock on Yang. Yang fights back, but gets hit in the stomach to cut it short.
Burke hits a shoulder breaker holding the arm in for a two. TWO! Burke goes back to that modified hammer lock/kinda half nelson move. Yang fights out and shoulder tackles Burke into the corner. Yang ducks a clothesline, hits a leg sweep and a few punches. Yang whips Burke to the ropes, Burke holds on and throws up a boot. Yang flips Burke over the ropes onto his feet. Burke goes up top and gets back spin kicked in the face mid air.
Yang misses a moonsault press and a shoulder block in the corner. Burke capitalizes throwing Yang into the corner and hits the elijah Express. One Two Three.
Interesting match to lead off. I wonder what the cross over is between ECW and Smackdown in terms of viewers. I doubt there’s much, despite the live crowds being the same.
Going into the break, Kane talks about the “Monster Mash Battle Royal” tonight in a WWE Mobile “Exclusive”. If it’s exclusive, then why is it also shown on TV?
Apparently Elijah Burke is going to be on Ghost Hunters tomorrow night. I think last year it was CM Punk, wasn’t it?
We recap RAW. Apparently Triple H fought the same match he’s fought time and time again and they even acknowledge it this time around. No stipulation change, just the same crap, same shovel. More “One Night Only” stuff. Last I remembered, “One Night Only” turned into an extended run
Backstage, Nunzio is backstage with a bunch of kids. He’s going to lead kids in trick or treating backstage. Furst up is Ball sMahoney, who apparently lives in the Nassau Coliseum. That poor guy has to watch the Islanders play. Next up is CM Punk, who gives the kids candy and is dressed as the ECW champion. Third door leads to an empty room with a ladder. Oh wait. It’s the Boogeyman! Boooooooooo. Boogeyman has worms coming out of his nose. He gives the kids worms and is just a step above the people who give out pennies. On Long Island, there are plenty of those people. In Bridgeport, people do that less. Mostly because of a fear of being murdered because your candy sucks.
Who the hell voted for the Miz at Cyber Sunday? If you did, I hate you.
Paul E. Dangerously over Count Dracula by DDT
Tommy’s Paul outfit is dead on awesome. Tazz and Joey won’t acknowledge who he’s dressed as. With a quick look, you’d barely know it’s Dreamer. Nunzio gets tossed around by Heyman… er… Dreamer. Nunzio tossed Dreamer outside and goes for a plancha. Dreamer side steps him and Nunzio bounces off the floor like an original ECW check bouncing.
We move into garbage wrestling as the two start using the apples and pumpkins and whipped cream on each other. Dreamer uses a cell phone in an inside joke that not many people get and hits Nunzio with the Tree of Woe and DDT for the win.
Dreamer’s Heyman impersonation was pretty awesome from the ponytail and bald cap to the leather jacket, cell phone and backstage passes.
We get a promo video for the Punjabi Leviathan. Yikes.
You gonna watch RAW next week? They’re reuniting the 90’s. Also, last night Kelly Kelly got her ass kicked by a real woman wrestler. Who’da thunk it?
Juice Morrison over The Miz by corkscrew neckbreaker
Let’s talk about two people I dislike on the ECW roster. We’ve got the reality star against the juicer who threw away his title for drugs. Morrison rolls up the Miz to start… and… what the hell do I care about this match? I don’t hate these guys in the way the WWE wants me to. I don’t like watching either of them wrestle. These are two guys who need their opponents to make them look good and don’t sell well. Their offense is sloppy and let’s leave the criticism at that. The Juice wins the match and is going to fight CM Punk once more for the ECW title.
So next up for the promo treatment is Mark Henry, followed by a recap of Cyber Sunday. Could you imagine how different the WWE would be if they adopted the stupid “title changes hands on a DQ” rule from TNA? How would they end their PPVs?
Between Austin, DX, Britney Spears and the Backstreet Boys, the 90’s are back with authoritay.
Just in case this is the first time you’ve ever watched a WWE program, here’s an introduction to Big Daddy V, or Viscera, or Mabel. Juice Morrison is at the announce table to watch CM Punk beat up James Curtis. James Curtis? What?
CM Punk over James Curtis by GTS
There was a point in WCW when Goldberg was the world champion and he fought Scott Putski on a Nitro.This match has a similar feel to it, though CM Punk allowed Curtis to get some offense in. Post match, OF COURSE the Juice attacks Punk. Come on. They’re not re-inventing the wheel here, just going through the motions.
We have mess than three minutes for this mess and three guys need to make their entrances.
Mark Henry over The Great Khali, Big Daddy V and Kane in the Monster Mash Battle Royal
Well, everyone does a backflip to start off and then there is a series of near falls as everyone manages to move quickly and… COME ON. A battle royal? Let’s just say this is just as good as you would expect it to be. Poor Kane, he always has to deal with this kind of joker. They pair up by color. Henry and V take each other out and Kane attempts a chokeslam, but can’t get the job done. Kane punches Big Daddy V in the face and he’s my hero.
I would say that we could play the game that we count the blown spots, but then again, there would need to be spots in this match. This is just plodding, head butts and screaming like retards. If I rated matches with snowflakes, this match would be one negative blizzard.
Kane eliminates Big Addy V and gets help from Henry in eliminating the Great Khali. Henry belly to belly suplexes Kane to mercifully end the match. Let’s all forget that this show ever happened except for Tommy Dreamer’s Paul E. impersonation.
