Ask BobDawg: Survivor: China – Episode 7

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Sorry I’m late folks. I’ve been on strike for the last couple of days. I was unhappy with my former ‘per-word’ rate of $0.25. So to get me back to the table before tonight’s episode and of course, based on my remarkable magnificence and amazing awesomeness, they offered me $0.75 per word. But I refused. I can’t be bought. But I can be rented for a long time… so I’m back from the picket lines to blog once more (at $0.85 per word).

Ed. Note- Please don’t think me greedy. I’m putting the extra money into a charity I started awhile back, the “World Health & Immunization Society Keeping Earth Yummy” fund. Every dollar I make will go straight to this W.H.I.S.K.E.Y. fund, increasing happiness everyday. Let me know if you’d like to contribute… I can send you a SASE.

Anyway, now that my rate has been bumped up, I can afford to write shorter blogs…we’ll see if I take advantage.

MOST IRONIC CONFESSIONAL OF ALL-TIME

“I’ve come to realize that I am very good at playing stupid and it works to my advantage. If Todd sees me play the Hidden Immunity Idol tonight, he’s definitely going to be floored. It’s probably going to shock everyone, including Jeff. I am not as dumb as I look and maybe they are figuring it out.”

– Jaime Dugan, c. ep. 7.

Classic. I couldn’t even put something this preposterously perfect in one of my patented skits (I feel one coming on by the way). If I put this in a dialogue, people would say “Come on Dawg, that’s not fair. You’ve gone too far now.” But it’s right there, plain as day, verbatim from the episode recap. I don’t even know where to start, but let’s dissect this gem.

1) “I’ve come to realize I am very good at playing stupid”.

Well, if she’s just “playing” stupid, then I have to agree, she’s very good at it. Had me fooled completely. Hook line and sinker. Get this woman a Golden Globe or something, b/c she really ‘sold’ that one. She must be a ‘Method Actor’.

2) “I’ve come to realize…”

This is beautiful. The fact that she’s just “come to realize” that she’s good at “playing” stupid, suggests that she’s actually been at the stupid game for longer than she knows, kind of like how you’re always the last one to know your breath stinks. You yawn and then you’re like “Whoa, my breath is wicked today” and everyone else is squinting and wiping their eyes saying “Yeah, we know. Welcome to our corner of Hell.” I’m glad she’s finally “come to realize” that of which we have long been certain.

And what a brilliant way to bookend your time on Survivor. She started off with “You mean I have to play with no bra?!?!?” (no, you could have WORN one, then you could have played with one) and ended with “AHEM! AHEM! AHEM! EXCUSE ME PEOPLE! I’m about to pull off the most magnificent coup in Survivor History. I present to you…this wooden THINGY! Ta-dahhhhhhh!”

Her dumbness is layered like one of those Russian dolls. You can just keep peeling it back and there’s more, each more beautiful than the last.

3) “I’m Not As Dumb As I Look”

Uh, I beg to differ. Not only is this statement tragically ironic, but it’s woefully inaccurate. I’d submit that she’s at LEAST as dumb as she looks. In fact, the empirical evidence suggests that her ‘actual dumbness’ quotient exceeds her ‘apparent dumbness’ quotient by a substantial margin. At this point, with all the ‘actual dumbness’ points she’s racked up in ep. 7 alone, she could look like Alfred E. Neuman and have on a dunce-cap and be wearing a t-shirt that says “I’m with stupid” with an arrow point up, and she’d STILL have plenty of room to spare. Three idols? THREE? And one of them is a 2 ft. x 2 ft. plank of petrified oak and it’s just laying there? And it doesn’t say “idol” on it anywhere? Comedy.

Even Boo Radley, if he found that thing lying around, would step out of the shadows, chin in hand, and say “Hmmm, something is certainly amiss…it glitters, but surely it shan’t be gold. Forthwith, I return to my shadows.”

THE MYSTERY MACHINES

Watching Erik and Jaime trying to figure out the significance of the wooden plaque reminded me of one of those episodes of Scooby-Doo when Fred and Thelma got captured by some ghost (that was really just some guy with a rubber mask, some fluorescent dust, a harness to make him fly, and a voice-box), and now it’s up to Daphne, Shaggy, and Scooby to solve the mystery…. It’s always scary when Daphne is the brains…

ERIK: Heeeeeeeey. Wait a minute. Do you notice something?

JAIME: Nope. Never.

ERIK: Here, come over here and check out this wood.

JAIME: You know, I know you’re not good at this, but you should really try to kiss me first. You can’t just walk around showing people your wood. It’s not romantic.

ERIK: No, I’m talking about THIS wood. I think it used to be… up THERE! But now, if my calculations are correct, it’s DOWN HERE!

JAIME: [whistling, as if she was a scared child walking past a cemetary at night]

ERIK: Hmmm. I wonder… how it got… DOWN HERE!!!

JAIME: I don’t know. Some force or process or something. My head hurts. [pulls out a breast]. Let’s have sex, virgin boy.

ERIK: [Oblivious, lost in thought, missing his chance] I got it! Someone must have pried it down while we were down in the river! Now if I could only figure out who it was.

JAIME: Hey, don’t look at me like that, it wasn’t me!

ERIK: Hmmm. Ok. And it wasn’t me. I remember that clearly.

JAIME: And it wasn’t Peih-Gee because…

ERIK: … because she was down there bathing with
us. You’re good at this.

JAIME: Well, who could it be?

ERIK: Hmmm…

JAIME: Hmmm…

ERIK: Hmmm…

JAIME: Hmmm…

ERIK: Hmmm…

JAIME: Do you think they let Chicken back in the
game?

ERIK: No.

JAIME: Uh, me either! Maybe it was Spider Man? He’s very good at climbing.

ERIK: No. Too easy for him. They’d want it to be a challenge.

JAIME: Yeah, I was just kidding…

ERIK: Hmmm…

JAIME: Hmmm…

ERIK: Hmmm…

[JAMES walks by]

JAMES: Hey guys, what’s up?

ERIK: Nothing really. We’re conducting an investigation into who pried this wood loose. Real CSI kind of stuff, you wouldn’t understand.

JAIME: [folds arms] Yeah, and I’ll let you in on a secret: it wasn’t Chicken. I’ll tell you that much right now.

ERIK: And it wasn’t me or Peih-Gee either. And I’m pretty sure it wasn’t Spider Man or any other super hero. They don’t even know we’re out of the country.

JAIME: YEAH! I know I didn’t tell any of them.

JAMES: Ok, good luck with that. [walks away]

ERIK: Look at him. He’s such a butt-hole. He’s not even going to help us figure this out. I’m so glad I sided with you, honey-muffin. We make a great team– brains and brawn.

JAIME: Thanks for noticing! I’ve been working out!

ERIK: Hey, are you thinking what I’m thinking?

JAIME: Probably not.

ERIK: I think JAMES pried it loose!

JAIME: [whistling again]

JAIME: And that’s the hidden immunity idol!

SCOOBY-DOO MUSIC PLAYS…

[later, after commercial break…]

JAIME: Hey Fred–I mean Frosti! You’re free! I’ve cracked the hidden immunity idol mystery!

FROSTI: Zoinkies! How?

JAIME: [triumphantly] I found– the IDOL!

FROSTI: But how? I mean, you’re not very bright. Let’s keep that in mind as we explore this topic.

JAIME: It was like totally so easy, hee hee!

FROSTI: Where did you find it?

JAIME: Right here…on…the…GROUND! James must have dropped it.

FROSTI: Dropped it? You think James was smart enough to FIND the immunity idol but dumb enough to just DROP it and forget to pick it up?

JAIME: Yes. And maybe he didn’t FORGET to pick it up. Maybe he was too LAZY to pick it up. You see how he’s always lounging around eating watermelon don’t you?

FROSTI: ….

JAMIE: And there’s more to this mystery.

FROSTI: Can’t wait. What?

JAIME: There’s THREE idols!!!

FROSTI: [slaps forehead, drags palm down face]. Three?

JAIME: At least! There’s probably hundreds! That’s all I was able to find in the first few minutes of looking for them. If only we had more time…

FROSTI: Have you ever watched this show before?
JAIME: Duh, how could I do that? They’re filming it right now.

FROSTI: Ok, what did the immunity idol say that makes you think that’s what it is?

JAIME: It didn’t ‘say’ anything. It’s made out of wood.

FROSTI: I mean, what was ‘written’ on it? Was it a code? Some kind of riddle?

JAIME: You must be as dumb as I look. They wouldn’t just WRITE that it was the immunity idol right on the idol. Then EVERYONE that saw it, including the fans, would know what it was. The producers would like totally never do that. Hee hee!

FROSTI: Actually, I’m pretty sure they always do that. Every time.

JAIME: Except THIS time! See, I had some Scooby-snacks and I figured it out: they had to keep it hidden, otherwise they’d have to just call it the “Immunity Idol”, not the “Hidden Immunity Idol”. So, ipso facto, res ipsa loquitur, since we’re in China, they put one of those “Artist Formerly Known As Prince” symbols on it. I have all of Prince’s albums so I could tell this was a hidden immunity idol. James doesn’t have any of Prince’s albums so he couldn’t read it. I like Prince alot. I had no idea he was Chinese though…

FROSTI: Ok, aside from the Prince symbol, tell me why you think it’s the hidden immunity idol ?

JAIME: Because it was just laying there in plain sight for any idiot to find. That’s how O.J. got caught right? Case closed!

Daphne never solved any mysteries either.

If Jaime hadn’t been all “hee hee” during that one challenge, maybe I would have given her a pass on thinking the thing was an immunity idol. I mean in the end, with all the twists and turns and ‘blind-sides’ in the game, and all the cryptic “Art of War’ references and the exotic Chinese motif, it’s not COMPLETELY retarded to think that thing was an immunity idol. Afterall, it…well, I take that back. It actually was completely retarded to think that…

Ed. Note- My apologies to retarded people. I know none of you would be dumb enough to think that was an idol. Besides, saying someone is “retarded” is just an expression of endearment that we non-tards use from time to time to refer to people we love, respect, and honor like the esteemed modern day philosopher, Dog the Bounty Hunter said.

OTHERS

It will be interesting to see what happens if/when Todd asks for an idol from James. Here’s my prediction: James keeps the truck. As he should. And people will love him.

People have told me that they thought there’s more of a dark side to James than we’ve been led to believe and I have to agree. It’s interesting to me to see the difference between the James we see now and the James that started off saying “awww shucks” and “I don’t know how to be social.” Now he’s talking like me, calling people ‘dumb asses’ and ‘skinny bitches’ left and right.

Last episode, he didn’t seem like the paragon of virtue, the wholly good, shining Paladin fighting for truth, justice, and the American way. He seemed more like Robin Hood (a very buff Robin Hood)– basically a good dude with some rough edges, a healthy dose of cunning and self-interest who isn’t above mocking people. Nothing wrong with that. It just makes him a normal guy. We were being led to believe that he’s the Vitruvian man, but in fact, he’s not perfect. But, who among us is perfect?

……
……
……
……

Stop, stop, please, you’re far too kind. I’m just ‘me’, folks, seriously. I’m just a guy. I put my pants on both legs at a time and wrestle alligators just like you do. Please, I implore you, rise my friends. Stand proudly before me. Rise.

JEAN ROBERT

No real JR bashing this week. I actually like some things about his gameplay. It’s too simplistic (and inaccurate) to say “oh, he’s a poker player, he must be good at reading people.” First of all, Survivor is more like roulette than poker. While it may make you comfortable to say “I have a strategy”, the truth is that where the ball bounces is waaaaaaaay more important than any strategy. Your great ‘strategy’ of putting $5 on your son’s birthday and your high school baseball number and the size of Ashley’s D Cups, means nothing when the ball lands on “0” or “00” which it always does (but only when you have big money on the table). Especially this season, with all these twists and kidnappings and the 7 immunity idols, roulette is a better description of the game (see, e.g., Aaron and Michelle last year).

And while at the very top levels of poker, reading people is important (I’ve heard it said that the top players don’t play the cards in their hands, they play the cards in YOUR hand), when you’re playing against novices who don’t know enough to bluff or be bluffed, it’s all about the cards. If you have the cards, you can do or say whatever you want (like being the lazy guy with tight-ass jeans and molesting your teammates) and get away with it. So far, JR’s had them. Not from any amazing gameplay, but from understanding the game and watching other people playing their hands poorly and unwisely, chasing the flop AND the river, like Dave and Sherea, who basically bluffed themselves out of the game by talking to much and acting crazy.

One thing I think JR does well is use the camera as an extra player, and he uses it the way I think you should–offensively. It takes awhile to get used to the camera, at least it did for me. Maybe it’s the lawyer in me that’s always concerned with confidentiality and only speaking behind closed doors, but I found myself looking for times when there were no cameras before I said anything strategic.

Part of that makes sense, because every time a camera comes running up to you, everyone knows you’re either a) selling crack, or b) talking strategy. That’s not a huge deal if you’re on the right side of the numbers. If you’re in the majority, you can stumble around like a bunch of incompetent lunatics (see, e.g., Casaya) or, like we saw last season, you can act like Brett Favre and call a huddle in the middle of the beach and draw up plays in the sand, then say “Ready, BREAK!” and still make the jury. But if you’re trying to fly under the radar and subtly work some magic without drawing attention to your self, you don’t want a horde of camera guys around you.

Still, they’re going to be there so you have to use them. You can trap people and paint them into a corner if you confront them when a camera is hovering over them. People will lie, but it’s harder to lie when you know your lie is going to be broadcast to millions of people, including your kids, your parents, your students, your pastor, God himself, and most importantly, bloggers.

What I see JR doing is talking to the viewers in his little speeches more than the person it’s supposedly directed at. That conversation w/ Todd was less for Todd’s sake than for ours. He was letting Todd know that for whatever it’s worth, the whole world will see you lie to my face if you sell me out. That’s not a huge deal necessarily, since a guy like Todd is playing the game with no-holds barred, and he could care less if the public thinks he’s a sneak or even a snake. But some people, like Leslie, or anyone who comes in thinking or saying “I shall not tell a lie” (Austin and Aras did that in my season, because of their Christian and Yoga beliefs, respectively, and Shane too in a way, by swearing on his son) are handcuffing themselves and can be manipulated by forcing them to confront their beliefs and convictions in a direct way in front of millions of people.

Lying when people are watching you is different. It just is. People love to stand up at final 2 or 3 and say “I never lied to you” but forcing them to take a stand or make a pact takes that from them. It’s like someone saying “I’ve never smoked a cigarette” then peer-pressuring them into taking just one puff. They can never say “I’ve never smoked” again without looking over their shoulder, wondering if you’ll be there wagging your finger at them…You can pin people down with the camera. I think JR does a decent job of that. Not great, but I think he’s the only one that uses the cameras that way. (Surprisingly, Todd doesn’t–he gives great confessionals, but that’s for ‘show’ not for ‘dough’ to borrow a golfism).

I think JR uses Tribal Council the right way too. You either have to keep your mouth shut (if you’re not in trouble) or you have to use it to advance the ball by making speeches. And while Courtney caught on that JR was trying to make her out to be the threat (great catch there Courtney, what clued you in? the fact that he said “Courtney’s the threat, Jeff”?) she didn’t seem to understand the meta game JR was playing.

Calling Courtney out at TC was like a baseball manager yelling at an umpire about a blown call–he knows he’s never going to get the umpire to change his call once it’s made. The point is to get in that umpire’s head and subtly, maybe sub-consciously, influence him for the NEXT time there’s a close play. Same thing here. JR didn’t go after Courtney for this TC, it was for the upcoming ones. (I’m probably being too generous to him here, but I’m on a roll, I can feel it).

The Roll:

Anyway, JR’s whole purpose wasn’t to sway opinion by the strength of his words but to draw Courtney out from the shadows and hopefully get her to ‘show the pimples on her ass’ by flying off into one of her annoying, elitist rants. Essentially, he was check-raising her.

She took the bait, and threw some chips in the pot by saying explicitly and loudly for everyone to hear what JR was only indirectly (though not subtly) hinting at — “people better watch out for Courtney or she’ll sneak to the end.”

Now, maybe that was obvious and everyone was ALREADY thinking that Courtney was trying to sneak into the final 2 or 3. But maybe they weren’t. People may be distracted by other things: there’s Frosti who’s a stealthy challenge horse; there’s Todd the schemer; there’s P.G. the super-annoying; there’s Denise the Mullet; and of course there’s James, the Mighty, holder of at least 3 or 4 immunity idols. And there’s other under the radar types to worry about in Amanda and Erik. People could easily forget about Courtney, and JR made sure she’s still in their minds. By jaw-jacking with him, she played along. Now, she’s the most high-profile of the under the radar types. It may not (and probably won’t) matter of course…

JR did that with Todd too by threatening him with ‘lobbying’ against him on the jury. Some might consider it an empty threat, but Todd won’t. He’s too cerebral about the game to ignore it completely, and it’s one more thing Todd has to think about that he didn’t have to worry about before. Over time, little moves like that and like calling Courtney out may add up. Like Big Worm said in Friday: “Woooooooool see.”

I don’t have any funny way to end this so that’s it… but that’s the easiest $2,882.35 I’ve ever made. WooWoo.

– BobDawgsta the He-Goat

Sir Linksalot: Survivor: China

I'm not embarrassed to say that my favorite television show of all-time is The O.C. I live by the motto "you can't fight fate!" More importantly, I watch WAY too much television, but I do so for the benefit of everyone reading this now. So to my mom and my wife, I say thanks for reading! To everyone else that might stumble across this, remember TiVo should be your best friend!