Yes, it’s me, your lord and master returned to walk the Earth among you smelly little sniveling proles. I’m the guy Fingers was talking about with those cryptic promos last week. Oh, how funny it was to read the responses to that thread. Rob Van Dam writing for the site? Hyatte coming back? That’s about as hilarious as Gross-Out quarterbacking the Bears…oh, wait, that’s what I’m watching as I’m writing this lead-in. Heroin in the eyeballs is an option, victory or not.
Okay, just to give you the short version:
1) I’m back down to one job again. Unfortunately, it’s the day job where I don’t have medical insurance. So I’m looking. In fact, today I’m going to do a mind…oh, wait, we can’t use obscenities anymore, can we? So, let me rephrase that. I have an interview today that’s mind-blowing in its implications. It’s going to be with a customer of my former night job, wherein I would be monitoring a cleaning crew that I know quite well and working alongside my old peers in a different capacity. Uncomfortable? Yeah, but let’s see what kind of money they offer. Plus, if I wanted to do the two jobs thing, the hours allow it. Why I would do so is beyond me (other than the money). I got out less than Benazir Bhutto the last six months.
2) The Damn Vaninator’s been in the shop three times over the past six months (new head gasket, body damage, repair cooling system). Yet I still own it. That’s because I finally got all of my credit cards paid for the first time in four years (until the last repair), then lost my night job (it was due to budget cuts, not because of me). If I’d been able to hold both jobs for a while longer, then maybe a down payment might have been feasible.
3) I haven’t watched one bit of wrestling since May. That’s not entirely true. I did attend an ROH show. And I was actually writing a review of it. I was about ten minutes away from finishing it when I went to work. By the time I got back…well, that was the day the Benoit situation exploded, and I didn’t feel that snarky remarks about Brent Albright developing a beer belly really fit in with the whole mood of the time. So I circular-filed the review. My apologies to ROH for not putting it up, since they do really appreciate the things I write about them, unlike you bastards. It was just horrid timing and a truly horrid set of circumstances.
4) I’m stupid enough to come back on a PPV weekend. Well, it’s only a TNA PPV, but it still needs to be covered. I anticipate that it’ll be like riding a bike or self-abuse: I should be able to pick it back up in stride.
5) I’m having to stretch out my drugs a little, because I’m only going to have enough to get me through the New Year if something doesn’t happen. So, that’ll explain a lot of this column.
Now, let’s get to the meat of this…
HOW APPROPRIATE THAT THIS WEEK IS GENESIS
Now this is going to be a bigger challenge than I thought. I wasn’t paying much attention to TNA before I went off on hiatus. Now I have to pick it up cold after a PPV, not knowing what’s happened in the interval. I notice that Kurt Angle is champion, meaning that they’re still afraid of putting the belt on Joe, so maybe it won’t be as difficult catching up as I thought.
Regrettably, picture uploading is still borked, so no screencaps. Well, it does lift the burden of attempting to come up with funny captions. I need to work back into this slowly.
For instance, the thing between Mitchell and Abyss is still going on, only with BlackDust as surrogate. I think it’s been said by many people already that Dustin’s finally realized that the only way he gets over with an audience is to be a total freak in makeup. My only question is, what color will he use as his motif next? He’s gone through gold, he’s now on black, and obviously crimson and any other shade of red is out given the apres appearance of Johnny the Red Bull. How about something like turquoise? Puce, perhaps? Considering Dustin’s situation, I’d feel sympathy toward him, except for the fact that I believe that everyone knows by now that I have no sympathy for anyone or anything.
As for their match, I haven’t been gone long enough to forget what a no-DQ match featuring Abyss is like. In a sense, it is comforting, going back into that particular old pair of slippers. In a sense, though, it is disconcerting. I had managed to forget exactly how much of a retard Don West is. Just to cite one example, Abyss took the loaded mousetraps into the ring. West asks what Abyss is going to do with them. Well, Don, let’s see. This is a no-DQ match where international objects are legal. Abyss’ finisher is the Black Hole Slam, in which he pulverizes someone bodily into the mat. You think, just maybe, he was planning on slamming BlackDust into the mousetraps? Naturally, this being an Abyss match, it backfired.
Long ago, Fleabag attempted to justify West’s existence to me by saying that he’s there to appeal to what Jarrett considers his core audience: Southern imbeciles. Honestly, though, no one, not even anyone in the South, is stupid enough to avoid being patronized by West’s calls. It’s an insult. And as someone who’s done his share of insulting people from the South over the years, I know one when I see one.
The next match at least gave me something to watch. I remember that ROH show I went to where Sabin and Shelley faced the Briscoes and they turned in something bordering four and a half snowflakes. Their only problem is that the Briscoes aren’t in TNA. However, those two as a regular team…well, at least the Briscoes now have some competition for Best Tag Team of 2008. Provided, of course, that TNA books them correctly, which is always a shaky prospect I’m just wondering why the ex-Dudleys sold for them. When you’re dealing with them (or someone of their longevity and reputation, of which TNA’s locker room is crammed these days), there’s always a quid pro quo. Please, dear God, don’t bury them. They don’t deserve it. They really can be that damn great.
The women’s title match presented me with my first quandary. When I left, I seem to remember that Billy Bitchcakes was involved in a feud whose basis was his opinion that women shouldn’t wrestle. The only conclusion that I can draw here is that Roxxi is a transvestite. That, at least, gives me something additional to watch. I’ve heard great things about Angel Williams in the past, and she has one heckuva challenge in front of her, given the last blonde from Toronto to make it big in women’s wrestling. Does she have the potential to be the Next Stratus? Not as long as she’s in TNA, unfortunately. She wasn’t given enough action during this Fatal Eight-Way to show off her potential. However, she’s blonde, she’s got a great rack, so she has to land up with the strap between now and Slammiversary. Well, if they don’t extend this feud between Gail Kim and Awesome Kong.
(Naturally, WWE had to top this. They’re going to have ten bimboes in the ring at SurSer. Big whoop.)
Oh, dear God, don’t tell me that they’re still doing the Black Machismo thing with Jay Lethal. Didn’t we all give this gimmick four months? Why is it still around? Well, at least Lethal’s been given the X strap, which he’s long deserved. And put into a match against Sonjay? Oh, yeah, I’m there. These guys know how to work it, and they did. No complaints whatsoever about the match. Unfortunately, a title match between these two demonstrates the fact that TNA’s denuded the X Division. Sabin and Shelley, two perpetual X strap contenders, are tagging together. Styles is in the tag division. Kazarian’s been promoted to the main. Who the heck is left in the X Division? And why in the name of heaven is the whole division involved in a feud with the ex-Dudleys? Oh, poor, poor X Division. Maybe, just maybe, I do have a little sympathy left.
No, I don’t. This is TNA. Tyson Tomko is tag champion. With A. J. And they had to face Big Sump Pump and the Retard. And A. J. I’m No Longer Able To Use That Particular Adjective That Denotes The Ultimate In Magnificence Styles required a chair shot to win the match. There are so many levels of wrong here that semioticians will spend the next century plumbing them. I’d say that this was a sign of a society in terminal decline, except the fact that J. K. Rowling is a billionaire covers that quite nicely…huh? Who did you say were tag champs on Smackdown? You’re kidding, right? Really? Now that’s so totally wrong that I’m surprised the universe hasn’t inverted itself.
Oh, wait, I forgot. There’s something even more wrong than that. That’s Samoa See Above Regarding Adjectives Joe in a feud with Bobby Roode. And they’re trying to turn Traci Brooks face in order to escalate it. What is so damn wrong with a heel woman manager? Guess they felt it was played out or something, so they’ll just do a repeat of the whole Eric Young angle while Young’s busy getting smashed with James Storm. This is demonstrating that I have a problem. I thought that, after all these years, I’d become permanently desensitized to wrestling-related stupidity. I’m shocked that the “permanent” immunity wore off after six months. Wrestling treats brain cells like bookers treat talent.
Oh, wait, here comes the next wave of assault on my synapses: Frankie Kazarian, Main-Eventer. When I left, he was getting the crap beaten out of him on a weekly basis by Raven. How exactly did this happen? Why exactly is this happening? Does it involve photographs of certain people with certain tame farm animals? Beating Christian in a ladder match? For a title shot? Oh, dear God, where are the pills? Where the hell are the pills? And can I afford to take them with no medical insurance? The sad thing about this is that it was a pretty good match. But putting Christian and a ladder in the same ring almost guarantees a good match, so it’s not really anything to boast about.
And that brings us to the main event. Okay, Angle as champion, no surprise. Upset that they still haven’t given the strap to Joe, but no surprise. But, honestly, I haven’t had time to follow wrestling news. When the hell did Booker get canned by WWE? Why the hell did Booker get canned by WWE? And how long will it take for them to give Booker the strap now that he’s in? You know how TNA is with WWE main-event-level refugees. You know, under previous circumstances, Booker might have made me care about this match. Nope. I long since lost the ability to care about Angle, Sting, and especially Nash. What is Nash doing wrestling again? What is Nash doing wrestling in a match where there was the possibility, however remote, of him winning a world title?
Yes, way too many questions. But I have been out of the loop for a while, so it’s only natural. Other than the firm conviction that Karen Angle’s going to learn a lot from Paisley, this PPV left me with nothing but questions. Oh, hell, I’ll start watching Impact again this week, so maybe I’ll get some answers. I doubt it, but you never know.
OR MAYBE NOT: IMPACT SOMEWHAT SPOILED
Okay, TNA’s taped their latest mess, so let’s see what happens…
The Christian Coalition is now appararently the Angle Alliance. Still doesn’t make me care about Tomko. Or about Angle, for that matter.
I remember a time when Sheremetyevo was the best thing TNA had going. Now they’re jobbing to Lance Hoyt and…Jimmy Rave? Really? Okay, Homicide and Rave in the same ring, on television. I’ll have to put aside my aversion to Hoyt to watch this.
The ex-Dudleys gain a new ally in their assault on the X Division. Still not caring here. Please give me something to care about.
Kevin Nash is going to wrestle again. With Scott Hall. And a mystery partner. Look, I told you to give me something to care about, not something to send me into convulsions leading to projectile vomiting. Not even Samoa Joe being the mystery partner can stop this…oh, wait, he is? Oh, poor Joe.
Gee, a Chris Harris sighting. Remember when he was being pushed as a main-eventer? Think about it, Frankie. This is your future.
Booker’s first feud will be with Christian, and it will be done with the sensitivity and care that we all expect from TNA. No, I haven’t lost my ability to be sardonically sarcastic.
Next Thursday is that great American holiday known as Thanksgiving. Naturally, TNA has to pull out something special for this. How about Joe versus Styles versus Sabin? Remember when that automatically meant Ultimate X? Now, it’s a Loser Wears A Turkey Suit Match. No, really, it is. Gee, can you figure out who’s going to be excessively humiliated?
Oh, God, did I really say that I was going to have to watch this to try to catch up? There aren’t enough drugs in the world, or in my bathroom, whichever is less.
And if I wasn’t masochistic enough, I segued directly from Genesis into Raw. Let’s see how much more my brain cells were abused…
THE SHORT FORM
It’s been a while since I’ve done a column. It’s been even longer since I’ve done Raw live. There’s only so much muscle memory that I have left. Wish me luck.
DAVE and His Best Dead Buddy over GarriLance Cade and Trevor Murdoch, Non-Title Match (Pinfall, UT pins Cade, Tombstone): So, Cade and Murdoch are Raw tag champs, huh? Well, better than the Smackdown champs, that’s for certain. Of course, they’re nothing but raw meat in the face of SurSer Overhype. Ah, that wonderful feeling of ennui while watching wrestling…now that’s unforgettable.
Beth Phoenix over Maria Kanelis, Non-Title Match (Pinfall, delayed fisherman’s suplex): Well, Maria still can’t wrestle, so some things never change. But having her be involved with Santino Marella? Oh, wait, over the past six months, he’s developed a personality and learned to cut a promo. I never thought that would happen, so…oh, to hell with it. He did something with Lawler. That’s Phasers Set On Disregard by definition.
Rey-Rey, Jeffykins, and Mattsy-Poo over FudgePacker, Useless Porter, and A Badly Miscast Dave Finlay, No Purpose For This Match Whatsoever (Pinfall, Jeffykins pins Porter, Swanton): Six months isn’t enough. It just isn’t enough. By the way, are we still allowed to use the word “faggot” here? No particular reason for asking. Just curious.
Okay, I’ll put it more frankly: the Scissor Sisters are less gay than that match. Not to mention ten thousand times more entertaining and talented (except for Finlay, of course). Oh, it’s great to be out to offend again.
MickieLexis LaJames, Michelle McCool, and Kelly Squared over Jillian Hall, Layla, and…oh, hell, I can’t tell the difference between them anymore (Pinfall, LaJames pins Layla, roundhouse kick): And this match was more masculine than the last one. This match really needed Victoria. Where is she? Oh, really. Hanging around with whom? I swear to God, I told that boy that I’m not going to pay for the STD clinic visits. Even if I had medical insurance, he wouldn’t be covered under it anyway.
Jerry Lawler over Santino Marella (Pinfall, rollup): Next.
Trip over Jamalga, Lumberjackass Match (DQ, Finlay-ference): I learned a long time ago to tune out main events like this one. As far as I can tell, nothing happened. Meaningless Pimp Match for SurSer, nothing more, nothing less. Why should I waste any more column space on it.
And Let The Pimps Begin: So, DAVE is appearing on Raw despite being Smackdown world champ. Apparently, he has a Hell In A Cell match with UT at SurSer. As if I’d know any different. Three years ago, that would have been a kick-ass match. These days, it’s two forty-plusers thrashing at each other for no apparent reason other than to give UT yet another title reign. And to emphasize that, UT makes a special guest appearance as well. That leads to yet another question: is this Raw? I mean, it’s not Friday night or whenever I end up downloading SD. I’m pretty sure it’s Monday night. Isn’t it?
Yet Another Question, As If This Column Hasn’t Had Enough Already: Is Regal’s hair a wig? You know, Vince tribute and everything? It can’t be for real. If it is, then Regal’s drug intake has had unexpected consequences.
True Confession: I could have come back last week. Then I read the Raw preview and saw that Wife-Beater was going to appear, so I said I was too exhausted to do it, which was, in a way, true. I avoided that, but I couldn’t avoid Vince being the ringmaster for a Randy Orton appearance. That’s like dodging the machine gun salvos only to be nailed with an anti-tank round. It also gives me some good ideas for potential methods of suicide should future shows be as dire as this.
Okay, that covers that. Remember, my birthday is in two weeks, and you ungrateful bastards need to get me something this year. Of course, with all of you being broke and worthless, I’ll give you the chance to save the pennies you earn giving sexual relief to transients and delay my demands until December 11th. That’s when WWE puts out the World Class DVD. One of you pieces of belly-button lint had better pony up, or else.
Tags: ECW, Raw, Smackdown, TNA, WWE