Joined by will.i.am, it’s America’s hottest pop singer… Fergie. What? Did I miss the memo on that one? Yes, she does look pretty good, but remember, she can afford the plastic surgery now, and even all dolled up, she still kind of looks like a mix between Jessica Simpson and a baseball mitt. will.i.am gets bleeped about 10 seconds in the thing, possibly setting a new record. Fergie performs a couple of songs that I don’t recognize and for which don’t feel like searching, and then the dancers SCURRY LIKE SCALDED DOGS so that Fergie can have the stage to herself for “Big Girls Don’t Cry”. I think her voice might have gone out about a minute into the thing, because she sounded pretty rough for the second half of it or so. Too bad they don’t have plastic surgery to help repair your vocal cords from meth damage.
And it’s will.i.am again (featuring Shiny Suit) for a solo performance of “Heartbreaker”. He slides around in what appears to be a bit of an homage to Jacko, but with much pointier shoes. He’s joined on-stage with a few female dancers done up like futuristic Olivia Newton-Johns, as well as a whole mess of mannequins that have been spray-painted silver. The mannequins are
BUT WAIT… it’s not over. Here’s Nicole Scherzinger to perform “Baby Love” with will.i.am. Well, I must admit, she’s not the greatest singer, but she’s certainly an improvement over Fergie, looks-wise. Voice-wise, she’s also definitely not really cutting the mustard, and is probably even worse. She can’t hit the high note, and that’s embarrassing. But she does have a butt that won’t quit.
Your host is Jimmy Kimmel, and this his fourth time hosting the show. He warns us that this is going to be a little bit loose, because he’s member of the Writer’s Guild. He couldn’t write any jokes, so he’ll be dancing all night. He’s going to do that damned Soulja Boy dance, and the guy from Rascal Flatts doesn’t know the dance, but I think he says “cock” a couple of times. Rihanna is mildly amused. Kelly Pickler knows the dance, and so does Jordin Sparks, so they’re up on stage with Kimmel. It’s a complete CHINESE FIREDRILL until the idiot shows up himself to do the dance. Didn’t see that one coming. Boy, is this a lame dance. Anyone under the age of 15 who likes this guy needs to go drink some Drano. Soulja Boy said to do it. Seriously.
Carrie Underwood is out to present the Breakthrough Artist, and the nominees are:
Daughtry
Plain White T’s
Robin Thicke
Daughtry is the winner, and none of this would be possible without the fans, to a HUGE POP. Chris would like to thank God for making him lose American Idol, so that he could actually pursue a real music career with a real band.
This show is brought to you by Kay Jewelers and Old Navy, as we’re led to believe that later on in the show Beyoncé will be making an appearance that “everyone will be talking about.” Not me, unless she gets naked, or makes out with Rihanna. Or both.
Here’s Christina Applegate (the Emmy Award winning star of Samantha Who?) and James Blunt (who’s really confused), to present the award for Country Band, Duo or Group. The nominees:
Big & Rich
Brooks & Dunn
Rascal Flatts
Rascal Flatts win it, and they all look like a bunch of bloated metrosexuals. These guys are the face of country music, but not one of them is sporting either a stetson or belt buckle. Unbelievable. They thank God for their voices, because otherwise they’ve have to slip Aqua Dots into women’s drinks just to get laid.
OneRepublic is out to present The Repugnant C*nt, who’s performing “Hot”. I will be going to get food right about now.
And I return in the middle of a performance by The Bloated Metrosexuals, which is actually the best performance of the night. It’s not particularly exciting to see, but voice-wise, they’re on the money. Imagine that, a performance in which the singer can actually get through the entire song without slipping up. Who’da thunk it?
Later on in the show, we’re going to be treated to appearances by the Jonas Brothers and The Afghan Hound. Sweet Lord, have mercy on all of our souls.
Here’s Ryan Seacrest to introduce ONE OF THE HOTTEST BANDS IN THE WORLD, Maroon 5, performing “Won’t Go Home Without You”. Again, I must have missed the memo. With his head shaved, Adam Levine kind of looks like Moby with huge eyebrows. This song is incredibly boring. I really do feel for the guitarist and bassist, both of whom have pretty metal-esque long hair and are probably just dying to start head-banging.
Ashanti is out to present the award for R&B Male Artist, and the nominees are:
Akon
Ne-Yo
T-Pain
Akon is YOUR winner, and he brings T-Pain on-stage to tell us all that T-Pain deserves the award more, and Akon will be giving it to him. Man, if I were Ne-Yo, I’d be pretty pissed off right now. But WAIT… here comes Ne-Yo with Chris Brown, and he gives T-Pain a hug to show… wait! KICK WHAM STUNNER! Chris Brown does a dance before taking the trophy and hitting Akon over the head with it. OK, I made that all up, but you have to admit that would’ve made this show at least somewhat interesting.
Jimmy Kimmel still can’t do that Soulja Boy dance, and he introduces Jordin Sparks, who in turn introduces the Jonas Brothers, and all of the teenage girls in the audience are screaming before the poor girls can even finish what she’s saying. And it seems as if they’ve shipped in an entire high school graduating class’s worth of teenage girls to bounce around in the front row. There is also what appears to be another band in the background that is probably playing the majority of the music, even though two of the kids have guitars themselves. It’s kind of like that one Blues Traveler video.
Here comes Fabolous and Taylor Swift, and they’re here to present the award for Pop/Rock Male Artist. The nominees are:
Akon
Timbaland
Justin Timberlake
Your winner is Justin Timberlake, who’s not-so-live via satellite (because he’s touring in Australia) to give what is quite possibly the most slapdash acceptance speech of all time. Something along the lines of “Wow, I’m male and I’m an artist, so I meet the criteria.” I guess his writer must be on strike.
Jimmy Kimmel and Kid Rock get into a staged altercation over The Afghan Hound, and that’s how I knew it was staged. Kid Rock punches him to the floor, and he’ll be back with his lawyers.
Here’s Kelly Pickler with Matt Dallas (who?) to present the award for Soundtrack Album:
Dreamgirls
Hairspray
High School Musical 2
High School Musical 2 is the winner, as we learn that these awards are apparently decided by the teenage girls that were bouncing around during the Jonas Brothers performance. And good lord, does Vanessa Hudgens look fantastic. She’s the best of the whole night, so far. Hudgens, her fuzzy snatch and the rest of the cast would like to thank the fans. Well, I am definitely a fan of her fuzzy snatch.
I wasn’t paying attention to who was introducing Rihanna, but here she is to perform “Umbrella” while dressed like Ella (Ella, Ella, ay) Fitzgerald, complete with a backing symphony. Here’s Ne-Yo for their duet, “Hate That I Love You”. You really have to hand it to Rihanna for being so incredibly hot that she makes that dress work.
And Quizno’s has once again done it in the commercial department with their Flatbread Sammies ad.
Two people from Grey’s Anatomy are here to present the award for Country Female Artist:
Martina McBride
Taylor Swift
Carrie Underwood
Carrie Underwood wins, to no one’s surprise, and she’d like to thank the fans, all of the record company people, God and musicians for making music. Except for Soulja Boy, who’s single-handedly ruining music. You’re preaching to the choir, Carrie Underwood.
We will be talking about this tomorrow, apparently, as Sugarland are performing a hick cover of Beyoncé’s “Irreplaceable”. There’s the cowboy hat I was talking about, and here comes Beyoncé for the duet, and American Music Awards producers, you are mistaken, as I will not be talking about this tomorrow.
Beyoncé’s less attractive sister Solange, some guy and Kirk Franklin are here to present the award for Adult Contemporary Artist, and Kirk Franklin sure is little. The nominees:
Daughtry
Norah Jones
John Mayer
Daughtry wins again, and he’s glad he won again because he forgot to thank his band during the first speech. What a dick. One of the guys in the band thanks Michael McDonald, while the other thanks his wife, and another thanks Duran Duran.
We get some vintage footage of The Afghan Hound in preparation of her appearance later on in the show, and Jesus Christ, guys, just get it over with already. This is like waiting to get my wisdom teeth pulled.
Jimmy Kimmel’s just waiting for something crazy to happen, like someone getting drunk and turning over tables. Here’s the perfect guy for that in Josh Groban to introduce The Afghan Hound, who seems to be going to the same tanning bed as the Orange Goblin. After a relatively boring performance by The Afghan Hound, we get Lenny Kravitz at the piano, as I’m wondering what rock he’s been under, as well as if he’ll ever start rocking the dreads again, and/or will ever start just plain rocking again. It’s kind of distressing to see Lenny Kravitz performing live and having someone else play guitar.
Here’s Natasha Bedingfield and Sean Kingston, who’s really milking that whole looking-like-Biggie thing. The nominees for Soul/R&B Album are:
Beyonce – B’Day
R. Kelly – Double Up
Justin Timberlake – FutureSex/LoveSounds
After struggling with the envelope, it’s revealed that Justin Timberlake is the winner, and once again we get a lame, pre-recorded acceptance speech, clocking in at a hefty two seconds.
We get vintage footage of Michael Jackson and Eddie Murphy, doing their own version of “Ebony and Ivory”, as well as Ozzie swearing and being confused.
Here are Mel B. and Jennie Garth with that Greek guy from Dancing With the Stars to introduce Chris Brown, performing “Kiss Kiss”. He’s wearing a black body suit lined with luminescent white strips, and some break-dancing ensues, and seems to be using Cher’s voice transformer thing. We’re then treated to three guys suspended by cords dancing on a ceiling. That was pretty cool.
Here’s Miley Cyrus, much to the elation of the bouncing teenage girls. Has anyone else noticed that Miley Cyrus has the voice of a 30-something smoker? The T-Mobile Text-In Award for Favorite Artist goes to Carrie Underwood, who gives a quick acceptance speech, and I’m really not looking forward to another hour of this crap.
But wait… Vanessa Hudgens is out with Ashley Tisdale is present the award for Pop/Rock Album. The nominees are:
Daughtry – Daughtry
Linkin Park – Minutes to Midnight
Justin Timberlake – FutureSex/Love Sounds
Daughtry wins yet again, thankfully sparing us from yet another crappy Justin Timberlake phoned-in speech. The one guy who had earlier thanked Michael McDonald thanks his large-breasted girlfriend. Well, that’s nice.
Blair Underwood is here to introduce Alicia Keys, and she performs her new single, “No One”. She’s behind the piano, but we still get a very nice shot of her ass, but WAIT… she’s up and about and dancing ever so sexily before we get a run-ins from Sizzla (I think) Chaka Demus (without Pliers), Barrington Levy (I’m pretty sure) and Beenie Man, the last of which gets bleeped. Sorry, but I’m not too good with identifying reggae singers.
Jimmy Kimmel asks Beyoncé if she ever get tired of her dad coming to her functions, to which he doesn’t look too amused. Here’s Tony Hawk to introduce Duran Duran, who perform their new track, “Falling Down”. It’s not a bad song, and is in the vein of “Ordinary World”. I’d really like to see them collaborating with someone like Fischerspooner or Felix Da Housecat over Justin Timberlake, but I’ll take it what I can get. Apparently the public were able to vote to determine what other song the band was going to play, and it’s “Hungry Like the Wolf”. I would have voted for “The Chauffeur” or “The Wild Boys”, but again, I’l take what I can get.
Here are Slash and Scott Weiland to present the award for Country Album, because Scott was country way before it was considered cool. If he’s alluding to his heavy drug and alcohol use, that’s pretty funny. If he’s alluding to the country flavor in such classic STP songs as “Creep” and “Interstate Love Song”, that’s pretty astute. Here are your nominees:
Tim McGraw – Let It Go
Rascal Flatts – Me and My Gang
Carrie Underwood – Some Hearts
Carrie Underwood is the winner, as she points out the craziness of Scott Weiland and Slash presenting her with an award.
Usher is here, and he looks really uninterested, but WAIT… I’m an ass. He was looking somber to honor Kanye West’s mother. Oops. Beyoncé wins the International Artist Award, which is strange because this is the American Music Awards and she’s an American national. We get a montage of her evolving hotness and popularity, and she’s getting choked up as she accepts the award. Her father is shown in the audience, as well as Rihanna and her less attractive sister Solange. Poor Solange… she doesn’t even get an accent mark.
Here’s Snoop Dogg to introduce Mary J. Blige, and she performs “Just Fine”, from her new album. You’ve really got to hand it to her for still having it.
Here’s the choad known as Kid Rock to present the award for Rap/Hip-Hop Band, Duo or Group, for which the nominees are:
Bone Thugs-N-Harmony
Pretty Ricky
Shop Boyz
Bone Thugs-N-Harmony win, and rightfully so, as they’re the closest thing to good rap music of that group. Mr. Sawed-Off accepts the award, as Bizzie and Wish couldn’t be here, but he brought some of his Mo Thugs friends to… oh come on, does anyone really care? Luckily I’ve only got another half-hour of this crap, because it’s really starting to wear on me. I don’t remember it being this boring last year.
Here’s TELEVISION AND MOVIE STAR Amanda Bynes to introduce Queen Latifah, who sings “I Know Where I’ve Been”, from Hairspray, along with a gospel choir. It’s odd to think that this is the same person who performed “UNITY”, but nonetheless, this was one of the best performances of the night.
And out comes Akon with his trench coat to present the award for Soul/R&B Female Artist. The nominees, all of whom go by one name, are:
Beyoncé
Fantasia
Rihanna
Rihanna‘s the winner, and she is just fantastic. She didn’t expect to be nominated for this award, and especially didn’t expect to beat Beyoncé. Suffice it to stay that Solange is probably loving that.
Jimmy Kimmel asks us who has the best-selling album of the entire year, and it’s not the Mighty Mighty Bosstones. HA! He introduces Daughtry, who perform an acoustic version of “Home” (complete with the violin superfecta). No way in Hell they had the best-selling album of the year. This performance, however, was pretty good.
Gene Simmons is here to present the award for Pop/Rock Female Artist, and looking at the nominees, this is an absolute joke. The nominees are:
Beyoncé
Fergie
Avril Lavigne
WOW… Beyoncé gets the shaft yet again as it’s Fergie winning the award. For those of you who voted for her, I hope you felt like idiots when she missed that one note. She looks like she just crawled out of bed, and thanks a whole slew of people, including will.i.am, for selling out.
Jimmy Kimmel thanks Promises rehab center for letting many of the audience members attend despite being admitted to the place. And that’s a wrap. While most of the performances were relatively hohum, there were a few good ones that are probably being uploaded to YouTube as I type this. I suggest checking out the Duran Duran and Rihanna performances before they get yanked by the copyright goons.
