There’s something oddly hilarious about the delightful Thanksgiving dinner setup of this week’s intro, with Kurt Angle and family (including his daughter, Kira, and, oddly, Jeremy Borash), sitting down to the traditional feast. It should be noted that Angle is in full Pilgrim regalia, and Karen looks like she ought to be called, “Goody Angle.” I love how Angle thanks God for his movie star good looks, his daughter Kira, even though she’s a brat at times, and the fact that the TNA writers aren’t on strike, even though they don’t get DVD residuals. Kira’s a cute kid in the “Aw, adorable,†way, not the Amber Alert kind.
Come to think of it, how is that not the name of a female wrestler?
TNA has also given themselves an early Christmas gift in the form of a new introduction, complete with Kaz hitting the Flux Capacitor and Booker T’s entrance.
Today is TNA’s first annual Turkey Bowl, which is basically a tournament of three-way matches where the winner wins 25,000 dollars, and the loser has to wear a turkey suit. Alright then.
Each match will consist of a wrestler from the X Division, a tag team wrestler, and a heavyweight.
Match 1:
Brother Devon vs. Chris Sabin vs. Abyss
If there’s one thing this match shows, it’s that Sabin’s typical offense really doesn’t look like it should do much damage to Abyss, if any at all. The dropkicks kind of bounce off of him, and Abyss falls down so that Sabin doesn’t feel bad. However, Sabin has one of the best chokeslam counters I’ve ever seen, as he casually bites down on Abyss’ finger, although Abyss gets wise and gives him the Shock Treatment. However, Black Reign and Rellik (who I’ve now learned is Johnny “The Bull†Stamboli plus a couple of extra pounds welcome back, John-O!) come down to pull Abyss out of the ring, and they start beating on him. This is only short-lived, as Rhino comes down to the ring to even the odds, and the four hardcore guys beat each other up and head backstage. Back in the ring, Sabin is getting the upper hand on Devon with really fake-looking punches in the corner. Come on, man, PRETEND to connect. Just to be dastardly, Brother Ray sneaks in from behind, and charges at Sabin, but Sabin jumps back and over Ray, following up by clocking Ray in the head with an enzuigiri. Sabin charges Devon, but Devon dodges, then goes to hit the Saving Grace on Sabin, but he flips out of it, rolls up Devon, and that’s the end of it.
Winner: Sabin via rollup
You know, as I edit this, I’m having a conversation with IP’s own Pulse Glazer, and I was just telling him how great it is that guys like Sabin use skilled moves such as jumping enzuiigiris to get rid of nasty mid-match interlopers instead of a traditional kick or punch. The fact that they put in that extra effort to show how much actual talent they have really makes an impression on me and, being that guys like Sabin and, to a lesser degree, CM Punk in ECW are really the future of our business (I say that because Punk has a few years on Sabin), I wonder if this is something that will pick up and become standard as, hopefully, these guys prove their staying power. That, or we get more Khalis, and I kill myself in a slow and agonizing fashion.
Hey, the Outsiders are here! And they both look old and terrible! Time has not been kind to Mr. Hall. But, all that aside, they’re looking for Angle! Whom they locate by…asking…the cameraman. Why doesn’t anyone else do this? They know EVERYTHING. TNA has officially broken the final line. If no other character asks a cameraman from now on, they are incredibly, woefully stupid. Now, who wants to bet that this convention won’t be right back where it started last week, with the camera being “invisible?†Eh? Any takers? Thought not.
(Commercial)
Promo asking the question: Why did Booker T choose TNA? The question will be answered next week. Oh! Oh, I know! Cause he failed a WWE drug test, and got all pissy about it. Congrats, readers, you don’t have to watch Impact next week.
Anyway, we go back to Angle’s dinner, and we have some new guests: Robert Roode and Ms. Brooks, James Storm and Jackie Moore, and…Chris Harris? He’s a heel now? Oh yeah, cause he COMPLAINS. I forgot, that makes people evil, and it also apparently makes them forget about endless blood feuds with former tag team partners who nearly blinded them. Oh, and Eric Young shows up, as he was invited by JB, although he’s relegated to the kid’s table with Kira, which kind’ve makes sense. Still, that makes me ask the question of why Robert Roode isn’t trying to kill him right now, or vice-versa, and they can both be in the same room. Does logic get a pass on Thanskgiving?
Match 2:
Johnny Devine vs. Kip James vs. Samoa Joe
See, the way this SHOULD go is that Joe just annihilates these two guys, but let’s be honest, that’s not where it’s going and, following logic with the “God hates me” rule, I’m saying that Kip James takes this. However, things are starting out well, as it begins with Joe demolishing Kip and Johnny with punches, kicks, and ending the initial flurry with a kneedrop on Devine. Kip and Joe have a little back and forth, but that ends with BG James tripping Joe up, that scoundrel.
Oh, the pluses and minuses of Kip: As a plus, he’s stopped wearing Torrie Wilson’s tights; however, on the negative, his hairline is receding by, literally, inches a day. Oh, and he’s still Kip James.
Devine and Kip work together, though, hitting a Hart Attack on Joe, but then they argue ver who gets the pin, and Joe remembers that he’s the man, and kicks the crap out of both men again. he goes for the muscle buster on Kip after a runnign knee, but BG grabs his leg and stops him. Devine runs at Joe, but he just tosses him into Kip, who is knocked off the apron and onto BG. Joe enziguris Devine into the corner, where he receives the muscle buster, and Joe, as he should, moves on. Hey, Joe wins! I take back all of that bitterness at the beginning.
Samoa Joe via muscle buster
Back to the Angle family dinner, and it’s…a bunch of X Division guys for no reason; particularly, Shark Boy, Sonjay Dutt (who solicits the Angles for money), and Petey Williams. Wha? There is no ryhme or reason to who’s invited to this thing, is there? So, Storm and Young have a drinking contest, and AJ has to go get ready for his match, even though Karen Angle yells at him for not eating his food.
But then there is, of course, the greatest question of all: how does Shark Boy actually eat anything with that mask on?
(Commercial)
Match 3:
AJ Styles vs. “Black Machismo” Jay Lethal vs. Christian Cage
Hmm…apparently, Christian isn’t around…so we have a one-on-one. Thus:
Match 3:
AJ Styles vs. “Black Machismo” Jay Lethal
Well, Christian, you’ll be missed. We sort of have a match of the flippy guys, as Machismo hits a snapping hurricanrana, and then heads up to the top for an axe handle, which gets two. It’s always odd to see the combination of new school and old school offense from Lethal, although it kind of suits him. He’s got all the tools to do some good stuff, but then he’ll switch up the indy stuff with more standard fare. Remember his initial finisher: a simple diving headbutt.
AJ is, for the most part, grounded in the opening minutes of the match, perhaps playing the heel and sticking to ground stuff, although it’s great to appreciate some of the subtle, but wonderful stuff that AJ does, such as the way his head recoils from jumping into the top turnbuckle. Then, he reminds everyone that he can move like a goddamn jungle cat, utilizing a series of leapfrogs and hitting a beautiful dropkick on Lethal. Kudos, Mr. Styles.
Hey, Christian Cage has come down to the ring! And he’s a-chasin’ AJ! And it’s a commercial. Guess we’re back to:
Match 3:
AJ Styles vs. “Black Machismo” Jay Lethal vs. Christian Cage
(Commercial)
Well, we have no idea if Christian caught AJ, but Machismo is trying to roll up Christian, although Cage keeps moving. That didn’t seem intentional. He eventually gets him, but Christian kicks out and then just beats the hell out of Machismo, pounding on him and trying to rearrange his face. Hey, AJ is hiding in the entryway! When he meekly tries to come back, Christian just chases him right back up. Now, what’s interesting about this, as the announcers point out, is that this match has been a series of one-on-one matches, as opposed to any kind of three-way.
Lethal goes on a roll of high-risk maneuvers, hitting a spinning wheel kick off the second turnbuckle, a second-turnbuckle moonsault, and a springboard dropkick, all for two. However, another springboard move is caught in action by Cage, who hits an awesome gutbuster on Machismo, which gets two, but Lethal comes back with the Lethal Combination. Lethal goes up to the top, but AJ runs down and pushes him off. Christian hits the Unprettier, and it all seems academic…but then AJ springboards into the ring, hitting a splash on Lethal, and while he tries to talk to Christian…he gets the three-count.
Winner: AJ Styles by springboard splash
Which, of course, means AJ is wearin’ that Turkey suit. No way is it going otherwise.
Back at Angle’s dinner, Black Reign and Rellik come in. “Happy Halloween!” says some random person. Heh. Reign drops his rat into the green beans. Yippee.
(Commercial)
Well, Young and Storm are pretty much trashed, and Jay Lethal comes in, saying something along the lines of, “Where’s the Snake?” Hey, SoCal Val comes in, and she’s sat down by Lethal. Where’s she been? Ms. Brooks is sitting at the kids table, and seems to having a grand old time. I don’t know why, but I find that a little wonderful.
Match 4: Knockout Three-Way Match
Velvet Sky vs. Angelina Love vs. ODB
The announcers make a big deal out of Velvet Sky’s entrance, since she wiggles her butt on the middle rope, but it’s certainly nothing in the titillation department compared to Melina’s split entrance. Angelina Love is Angel Williams, by the way. I really have no idea why they changed her name, especially because they already introduced her as Angel Williams. If you’re going to alter the name so that you can trademark it, that’s fine, but don’t introduce them as one thing and then immediately present them as another. ODB seems a bit scary. Is she kind of a female Steve Austin or something? Okay, enough questions and meanderings.
The match itself is actually nothing special, although the crowd seems really into ODB, even though most of ODB’s offense is weird pseudo-sexual stuff, such as “the dirty dozen,” where she sits on the top turnbuckle, and smashes the opponent’s face into her crotch/the turnbuckle, and her finisher is a Thesz Press off the middle ropes where she basically buries the opponent’s face (in this case, Velvet Sky’s) in her ample bosom. She also has a habit of hitting her breasts very ten seconds. Generally, none of the girls really show anything spectacular about themselves (Velvet Sky seems horrendously inexperienced), but there’s potential, although ODB seems the most comfortable and capable in there by far, which is perfect, as she wins with the above-mentioned Thesz Press on Sky following the Dirty Dozen.
Winner: ODB via Thesz Press
Angle family dinner hilarity continues, with Awesome Kong coming in and eating wax fruit. Seriously. So, it’s not so much that she’s a female Samoa Joe, i.e. a big badass who’s also intelligent, but instead, she’s more of a creature than anything else.
(Commercial)
Strange Christopher Daniels promo, with XXX flanking him. He seems to be making references to Christianity and talking about how wicked everyone is. Careful it didn’t work out too well for Mordecai. Actually, seeing his delivery here, I can see why he’s not in the world title picture; I can also see why he never quite made it as an actor. Sorry, Chris; I love ya, but Nicholson you ain’t.
Team 3D is the next to enter the Angle party, but apparently they weren’t invited; additionally, everyone freakin’ hates them, and they all throw food at the former champs, then head out. Still, Angle allows Team 3D to pick at the scraps, and they get some grub and sit down with Kira at the kid’s table.
“Don’t worry, honey, they won’t eat you.”
“Hey, are you going to eat that bread?”
“No.”
“You know who we are?”
“Yeah. You guys suck!”
From the mouths of babes…
Match 5:
Chris Sabin vs. Samoa Joe vs. AJ Styles
AJ gets in the first hits, but the faces inevitably double team him, although once he’s knocked out of the ring by a Sabin clothesline, Joe gets right on him, and we get some cool back and forth stuff between Sabin and Joe, as Joe reminds us that he can play the cruiserweight game, despite having, probably, over 100 pounds on Sabin. AJ runs into the ring in a charge, but he’s casually thrown about a second and a half later. Sabin even gets the upper hand on Joe by kicking him in the face, and out of the ring, and Sabin hits a tope suicida on AJ on the outside before we go to a commercial. Nicely done.
(Commercial)
Sabin is decking Styles with right hands, but he gets flapjacked onto the top rope. AJ looks to capitalize, but then Joe steps in with more right hands, and sweeps AJ, causing him do a complete front flip. Joe knocks both of them out of the ring, but AJ stops a dive over the top with a jumping forearm. More punches, and AJ returns with the exact same leapfrog/dropkick combo, but Sabin does some stuff that’s simply wild. We’re talking about a springboard into an armdrag that is really a pinning situation that is really an armbar which is really a pin. Nice. He gets up and turns that into an abdominal stretch, dodges a kick by Joe, and then quickly locks an octopus on Joe before turning that into a pin for two. Woof.
Following that is some ground-based stuff from Styles, incuding suplexing Joe (!) and giving Sabin a nasty backbreaker. Then, AJ latches in a chinlock on Joe, and Sabin gets one in AJ, and they all build themselves up into a triple jawbreaker takes us to a commercial.
(Commercial)
Lots of crazy action in this sequence that I frankly couldn’t hope to replicate (sorry, got a phone call), but I can say that, really, all the guys are made to look damn good, and Sabin is more than holding his own, which is a nice surprise, although I suppose it has to be this way when the match is scheduled to go this long. Highlights here include Joe grabbing AJ in an Oklahoma Slam, but smashing Sabin into a corner with him first before slamming him down, as well as Joe going through a table on the outside with a tope suicida while trying to hit the two smaller guys. Careful Joe; Jeff Hardy you ain’t.
(Commercial)
More great stuff here, with Sabin just cleaning house, and even trying to lock in a Cradle Shock on Styles; however, Styles reverses into a Styles Clash, and KOs Sabin, with Samoa Joe making the save. In the midst of all this, Styles also annihilates Sabin with a brainbuster. Right before the commercial, Styles springboards into the ring, and Joe catches him, and drops him right on his head with an Emerald Frosion. I love watching AJ get drilled, as he sells like a champ. Great, great stuff so far. I LOVE how Sabin is being made to look like a main event player here, even though microphones should be gently put aside until he learns to talk like a big boy.
(Commercial)
We come back to Sabin nailing a tornado DDT on Samoa Joe. Sabin heads to the top, but Joe gets up in time to stop him, and climbs up after Sabin. They slug it out on top, and Sabin knocks him down, but Styles pushes Joe into Sabin, disrupting his balance , and Joe enzuigiris Sabin off the top. Sabin falls to the floor, so Joe goes after AJ, who Peles him. Joe’s in the corner, and AJ charges with a running forearm, but gets caught in a vicious uranage, and is slammed hard down to the mat. Styles is put on top, muscle bustered, and that’s the end of it.
Winner: Samoa Joe via Muscle Buster
Back at the Angle family dinner, the boss is upset at the possibility of someone associated with him being made to look like a turkey, and so he brings Tomko with him as he heads out to the week, pilgrimed up and all. Meanwhile, in the ring, AJ is refusing to put on the turkey suit. Sissy.
(Commercial)
One last stop at the Angle family dinner: Karen Angle has two homemade pies for dessert! This, of course, means that the Outsiders come in and smack her in the face with each pie. And then there’s a food fight. Well, they certainly made an impact, didn’t they? And it took them nearly TWO HOURS to find the room in the first place. Anyway, despite that whole stupid ending, there is one great thing that happens: as the fight goes on, Awesome Kong keeps eating, and even catches a stray turkey leg flying through the air…and proceeds to gnaw at it like it’s the first thing she’s had in months. Nicely done, Ms. Kong.
Back in the ring, AJ is forced by Cornette and the refs to put on the costume and, of course, he looks silly. That being said, Kurt Angle and Tomko come down to ream out AJ for looking like a doofus. After a bit of quasi-comedy, Samoa Joe’s music hits, and he’s accompanied by the Outsiders. Joe says that even though they’re arguing over pilgrims and turkies, they all look like a bunch of jackasses to him. Angle tries to have the line of the night: “I’d rather be a pilgrim than a Samoan!” Joe, however, has the face of the night, looking at the Outsiders as if to say, “What does that even MEAN?” Anyway, Joe and the Outsiders say that they’re going to go kick their asses, and they do, ending the show with Eric Young, for some reason, wandering down to the ring and shoving a turkey leg in Angle’s mouth. Joe has the final word.
“Stick a fork in him, Eric. At Turning Point, he’s done.”
The Inside Pulse
All of the matches were fun, although, as you know, anytime that I need to see Kip James is time that I can never get back on my television. Still, it was a great choice for a three-way main event, and it was super-refreshing to see Sabin in there kicking ass and taking names. Matches like those should be the bread and butter of TNA, as it’s really something that WWE can’t hope to live up to.
One troubling thing, however: throughout the entire broadcast, there were ads for these different crucial moments in TNA history, and they were all about the different talent acquisitions. However, the talent acquisitions weren’t guys like Samoa Joe or Rhino, but Christian Cage, Sting, Scott Steiner, Kurt Angle and, now, Booker T. Basically, they kept celebrating the appearance of cast-offs from WWE, when they should be celebrating their amazing homemade stars, like Styles, Abyss, LAX, or Christopher Daniels. Don’t get me wrong. I LOVE Booker T, and the idea of him being able to bust loose a bit is tremendously exciting. Will he work a bit harder to have a match with an AJ Styles, or is he just going to stick with the heavyweights? However, I’m waiting for Booker v. Joe, as that could be stellar.
