Alright, another week and this time Inside Pulse isn’t having a heart attack. I’m going to be posting live before last week’s results. Tonight we’re promised a match between CM Punk and Mark Henry OR Big Daddy V. Yikes.
Thanks to an issue with my TiVo box, we’re joining the Major Brothers vs. The Miz and Juice Morrison.
Miz and The Juice over the Majors Brothers
Juice can’t get a three. TWO! That was a knee to the face attempt. The Miz is tagged in to put on a rest hold and have one of the Majors fight out. He tags in the other Majors and he cleans house, finishing with a back body drop and a high Lou Thesz press on Juice, but he only gets a two thanks to the Miz. Two count on the Juice after a school boy, the Juice gets up, hangs him out to dry over the top rope and hits the corkscrew neck breaker for the win.
I swear, this isn’t confusing enough that the Smackdown! tag champions are ECW regulars. For more info, check out PK’s column: The Mark In Me: What is Wrong With WWE?.
Uh oh. Carlito II is coming to the WWE. But instead of spitting at people, he kicks the crap out of them on the beach for being bullies. His line instead of “That’s not cool.” will be “Sometimes there is trouble in paradise.” Maybe he’ll make his debut by having his club going friends stab CM Punk in an after hours club in Boston.
Anyway, CM Punk is backstage and he needs to make a choice between Big Daddy V or Mark Henry in a match tonight. That’s a lose lose situation, and he acknowledges it too.
Balls Mahoney & Kelly Kelly over Kenny Dykstra & Victoria
I’m happy that Balls Mahoney still has a job, but teaming with arguably the worst person on the roster was not the place that I thought he would be. I miss when ECW was ECW and not Velocity. Balls and Kenny lead off, with Kenny having the advantage. He can’t get a pin with a nice drop kick, but Balls comes back and gets only the first part of the Balls punches, and Kenny ducks out and tags in Victoria. Victoria woman-handles Kelly, as she should, but Victoria gets a ‘rana, but Kelly holds on to spin and both eventually fall awkwardly on the mat. Wonderful.
Victoria goes back to beating the hell out of Kelly for my pleasure, going through most of Kelly’s move set. Rest hold, as Kelly fights out unsuccessfully twice and I’m getting pleasure out of watching Kelly get beaten up. Kelly whips Victoria and tags in Balls, who cleans house of Kenny, this time hitting the punches, which only gets a two. TWO!
Kenny holds Balls to be hit by Victoria, Balls ducks, Victoria takes a reverse victory rolls from Kelly and Balls rolls up Kenny for a three with an inside cradle.
Shelton wants to talk about promises. He says he was promised he’d get his big break, but he apparently never got it. He’s promising us he’s a winner, he’ll raise the bar in ECW, well live vicariously through his success, we’ll jump on his band wagon when he wins “all the gold” which is one belt and he also promises there AIN’T NO STOPPING ME NOOOOWWWWW!
Shelton Benjamin over Jimmy Wang Yang
I wonder how Yang stays smiling when he knows he’s jobbing. Shelton takes control, working over the wrist, but is dragged over by Yang. Shelton clubs Yang, whips him into a reversal by Yang, and Shelton gets crucified for a two. TWO!
Shelton gets up, hits a big boot and release powerbombs Yang onto the top turnbuckle. Shelton works the neck, Yang fights out, Shelton goes back to the neck, Yang fights out and hits a roundhouse to Shelton’s blond head. Yang goes for a top rope splash, but Shelton reverses it into a super gut buster. Shelton hits his inverted bulldog into the DDT for the win.
We’re reminded that CM Punk is going to fight one of two boring overrated wrestlers.
Kevin Thorn over Jeff Louis
Thorn lost his usual ring gear and now wear little red panties. I don’t think I really need to talk about what else happened during the match, do I?
So Big Daddy V and Mark Henry are in the ring, and Matt Stryker is going to have a coin toss to decide CM Punk’s future. The coin calls for tails, which was Mark Henry.
CM Punk over Mark Henry by DQ
Henry goes for Punk, Punk dodges and throws a kick. Punk dodges another lunge by Henry. A third is dodged and Punk goes around, but Henry cuts that idea short. Punk gets back up and throws a few kicks, chopping down the proverbial tree. Punk jumps in Henry’s back with a headlock, but Henry steps over the top rope and jumps the the floor and backs up into the ring post. Poor Punk.
Henry sends some clubbering blows Punk’s way, with a head butt as an exclamation point. Henry walks across Punk and jumps on him some more. Punk finds an opportunity to send some kicks towards Henry’s face, but Henry cuts that short after Punk attempted something that involved running into the ropes. Henry drags Punk up and delivers a body slam. Henry grabs Punk’s lat with both hands and this begins a wrestling move that I believe can’t actually exist in real life. Henry sends some forearms to Punk’s chest from behind to keep him down. Punk tries to fight out, but Mark Henry pretty much stops to throw Punk into the opposite corner. Henry hits some more clubbering blows. Punk is sent into the other corner, and Punk dodges it this time. Punk hits the rising knee, but here comes King Mabel.
The two fat gentlemen abuse CM Punk like he was Whitney Houston, but here comes Kane for the save. Kane’s got a chair and he looks… well… like he normally looks. Everyone has a chair and BIG DADDY V JSUT THREW HIS CHAIR INTO THE CROWD BY ACCIDENT. It’s clear he hit someone in the crowd. oh. my. god.
Whatever, the show ends and I hate him in the ring even more than I could have imagined. Fuck the Big Daddy V experiment. It hasn’t worked. His offense looks weak, and he’s a walking joke in the ring. That was terrible.
Hmmmm…. A Divas match first? Wonderful! This is guaranteed to be a five star classic. Flair vs. Steamboat watch out, here comes Kelly Kelly vs. Layla.
Kelly Kelly over Layla
Good to see this angle’s moved on in the past two months. Layla has early control of Kelly and misses the biggest drop kick you’ve ever seen. Most of the time this kinda stuff looks a little graceful. This looked like a sack of shit falling to the floor. This one’s a pretty physical match, only because neither of these two can wrestle for crap. Kelly Kelly misses a back handspring elbow, misjudging where to start and where Layla is.
Juice Morrison & the Miz over Jesse and Festus
So this is their way of bringing tag belts to ECW. I suppose that’s good, seeing as the WWE Tag Team Titles are worthless. Festus does his usual bell ringing reverse retard thing and Morrison and Jesse start the match. Morrison takes control, but retarded Kane comes in to help the southerners gain control. Jesse comes back in to fight the Miz. Jesse and Festus clean house and Jesse goes air born with a top rope plancha as we go to commercial.
As we’re back the Miz is enjoying a nice rest hold on Jesse waiting for us to come back from commercial. How nice of him. Someone told Jesse we’re back from commercial, as he fights out, only to get his hair pulled to the floor as he runs for the tag. Miz and Morrison double team Jesse as fake Kane looks on. The douches keep the pressure on Jesse with a few teases for a tag. Festus gets the tag in and clears house with some open hand slaps to both douches and a all away slam for the Miz. Festus torpedos Jesse at the Miz for a two, as Juice breaks it up and the ref gets caught up with Festus as Jesse gets double teamed for the three count.
Elijah Burke is out, reminding us that he’s going to change the face of ECW, and he’s gonna do it again tonight. Here’s Shelton Benjamin! I’m all for Shelton getting an opportunity to show off. I think that a feud with Shelton and Punk would be pretty awesome. It’s unfortunate that they gave him a microphone. Maybe instead they should let him wrestle a few awesome matches instead of boring me while talking. By the way, he’s the gold standard apparently. We’re gonna see him wrestle, but only after the break. Maybe we’ll all forget that he just tried to cut a promo.
Shelton Benjamin over Shannon Moore
Come on. Shannon Moore? Why even bother putting the match on TV. They might as wel have Taz and Joey say “Shelton Benjamin fought Shannon Moore. Do we need to say any more?” Shelton dominates the ex-Prince of Punk throughout the match and eventually beats him with some kind of modified DDT.
Kane vs. Big Daddy V
Okay, this one’s gonna be Men on a Mission ugly. We do the usual thing of Kane attempting to chop down the tree, but gets brushed back every now and then by Big Daddy V. Kane is thrown out of the ring and grabs a kendo stick. After a few shots, Kane gets belly to belly suplexed, then V goes to the ropes and stands on Kane.
Outside the ring, Kane drives V’s head into the steps and Kane goes for a two trash cans and another kendo stick under the ring. Kane goes to Pillman Big Daddy V’s neck, but V rolls out and throws Kane off the ring apron to the floor. Outside, Kane gets slapped on the chest and thrown back in the ring. Striker throws a table into the ring and V props it up into the corner. V shoulder blocks Kane through the table, weakly for a two. V wants another table and he gest one from Striker. V’s forearm is cut open from the table and I think he’s bleeding bacon grease. This time the table is set up in the middle of the ring as V throws a few forearms at Kane. Kane hulks up a bit, but that’s short lived as V goes for the Samoan drop on the table, but Kane fights out and hits V with the kendo stick and trash can. As Kane went for the chokeslam, Mark Henry comes in to make this the crappiest two on one you’ve ever seen.
V hits Kane with a trash can and is still upset about his cut forearm. I’m upset that he’s headlining ECW again. The black guys deliver a double head-butt and squash Kane, then put him through a table and V covers him for the pin. MERCIFULLY.