15 YEARS OF RAW
I WAS 13 WHEN THIS SHOW STARTED…
OH MY LIFE HAS BEEN WASTED
WASTE THE NEXT 3 HOURS WITH:
T H E
M O N D A Y
N I G H T
R A B B L E
Raw has been on for 15 years, and the Rabble has been going on for almost 3 years. Why are we here? Because wrestling is an interesting business, and guess why? It’s awesome to make fun of. So we sit in a bar in New Jersey and do just that and you can follow along!
Joining us on this 15 years of wrestling history:
JEFFREY – The Goon!
MIKE – The Bezerker!
CHRIS – Tugboat!
BILL – Zombie!
HERNANDEZ – Playboy Buddy Rich!
JENNA – Dude Love!
…and your very own Repo Man, Me, James Hatton.
Now if you want to join in the festivities, log onto the Inside Pulse forums and be one of the Insyders! Tonight, in retrospect, the Insyders do just what we did tonight.. mark like bitches. So little on the Insyders today, but you should join them!
Tonight… Family portrait.
They are starting with a mix of the original openings!
“All dead guys!” – Me
“Someone might just die tonight…” – Chris
“Look all four forms of Kane.” – Jeffrey
“The cocoon.. the pupa.” – Bill
“Tonight… Mecha.” – Jeffrey
Of course to start… Vinnie Mac, with Shane and Steph!
Welcome everybody to Monday Night…
“NITRO!” – Hernandez
He explains that 15 years ago he created a show that was completely original and-
“Unclean.” – Bill
“Unmarketable.” – Chris
“The XFL?” – Bill
He introduces former European champion, Shane!
Also, former woman’s champion, Stephanie!
So Vince asks the photographer to get in there quickly…. and cue the Hornswoggle music. He even gets a huge chant!? Madness.
“These guys are going to pop for anything.” – Me
Vince tells us that his kids are just waiting for him to die. He loves his kids though, and even every one of the fans. So he brings in the photographer and just as he gets to 1… cue Triple H.
“I’m here for your daughter Chuck.” – Bill
“Notice Steph’s face light up?” – Mike
Trips comes in in his new t-shirt and a ballcap.
“He just roll out of bed?” – Hernandez
So Trips waits for the pop to die down so Trips wonders if this is a family portrait… why aren’t all the members of this family here. He explains that he’s been wrestlign with the WWE for so long… he feels that he should be a part of the family. ‘Hi Steph’.
Now Trips wants to bring some of the people that he’s ‘loved’ in the past. Here are some of the Divas that Vince has ‘loved’.
Melina in a purply thing.
Now, the original diva… Sunny!
“I predict Mae Young” – Dani
“Anyone expecting Moolah?” – Hernandez
“An urn with her face on it?” – Bill
Now the current Diva’s of the WWE… Mae Young, of course.
“In twenty minutes when she gets to the ring.” – Chris
“Aww, he’s licking his lips again…” – Jeffrey
Of course, Mae goes and starts humping Vince.
“There goes a hip.” – Chris
“Old Ironsides..” – Bill
“That’s because she’s been rebuilt.” – Me
Vince then says, “It was at Moolah’s funeral.” WOW!?!
“The audience has left the building.” – Bill
Actually, Shane did in fact, leave. Trips decides to give us some more…. saying ‘now this is going to get weird’.
“Nicole Bass?” – Hernandez
“Chyna?” – Chris
Howard Finkel, Bastian Bogger, MVP, Pat Patterson, Gerald Brisco, and of course, naked DX guy (Dick Johnson)
“I’m kinda turned on.” – Chris
“Patterson totally is there for real.” – Mike
So Trips introduces all these characters, and he even says to MVP, ‘Guess Brooklyn Brawler had the night off…’
So Steph, to embarrass Vince, goes and kisses the fuck out of Triple H. Then leaves. “Ok Steph, see you at home.. I mean.. YOUR BROTHER’S A GNOME!” (rimshot!)
So Trips is left in the ring with Hornswoggle (and a bunch of jobbers). Horny is upset that he didn’t get a photo… but Trips has someone that will make it all better.
“KAMA MUSTAPHA!?” – Hernandez
“The Goodfather?” – Me
“Papa Shango?” – Hernandez
No, it’s the GodFather kids… and he’s got a dozen of that town’s best pole dancers. So everyone dances… it’s a slice of 1998.
Coming soon, the Ladder Match.
“Is that the only match of the night?” – Mike
“And this was the only segment of the night. Just flashbacks all night.” – Hernandez
COMMERCIAL ONE – 8:19
Hey, it’s time for the ladder match!
“I hope a fan runs in just like every other Raw ladder match ever.” – Mike
“I hope these guys also get Smackdown..” – Mike
“During all the breaks.” – Me
JEFF HARDY vs. CARLITO
The.. main event?
Match starts with Carlito trying to bring in the ladder, and Jeff goes for a baseball slide… he gets out and WHACK! Carlito gets him with the ladder.
“Carlito gets the win, knocks him out legit.. and goes to TNA.” – Mike
Carlito gets to start climbing the ladder.
“What happens with wrestlers with wrestlers that they can’t climb a ladder.” – Chris
“Osteoperosis.” – Me
“It’s like radiation.” – Chris
Carlito sets Jeff in the corner and the ladder on top of him. He goes to charge it and ends up with a ladder in the face. Jeff sets the ladder on the apron and drops Carlito on it with a few stomps. He leaps over the top to try and land on it, but Carlito moves!
Carlito throws the ladder into Jeff. Jeff runs back in and runs into Carlito who lands back on the ladder. Owwie.
Jeff now in the ring with the ladder. Sets up the ladder now, and up Jeff climbs. In runs Carlito – springboard onto the ladder!
“Just like Shelton!” – Me
“Except he hit it..” – Mike
Sunset flip powerbomb!! Both dead to a holy shit chant.
“There’s our death for the night” – Chris
COMMERCIAL TWO – 8:30
We’re back with Carlito dead in the middle and Jeff climbing the ladder in the corner. Goes for the leapfrog legdrop…. WHIFF! He misses hard. Carlito now on his feet and stomping the hell out of Jeff.
He sets Jeff’s leg in the ladder and goes and gets ANOTHER ladder. He drops one ladder on the other…then picks up Jeff and slams him onto the double ladder. Carlito finally going to set up the ladder.
Slow moving as expected. Jeff gets up in time to beat on Carlito’s back. He eats a back elbow, but Carlito comes on down and clips the leg. Continuing to work on Jeff’s left leg.
“Just like in Karate Kid 3! If a man can’t walk.. a man can’t fight.” – Me
Carlito sets Jeff on the ladder in the corner – Carlito goes to charge him, but Jeff stands and back body drop! Oww! Jeff now limping up to the top rope. He hits the Swanton.. mostly.
“Lawler has said incapacitated 16 times already.” – Chris
Carlito gets up as Jeff is climbing, pushes the ladder down, but Jeff lands on his feet.. goes for the Twist… Carlito reverses it into the Backstabber on a ladder!
Carlito now going to the top. Carlito has his hand on the belt. Jeff comes up and hits him.. punches the hell out of him and Carlito falls out and out of the ring! He grabs the belt – that is it!
WINNER: JEFF HARDY
COMMERCIAL THREE – 8:41
In the back.. Todd with Shawn Michaels!
Todd explains that 15 years ago, Shawn was there defending his IC belt. So since Kennedy invited a fake Marty Jannety last week
“And fired already!” – Hernandez
“I’M ON COKE I’M ON COKE I’M ON COKE” – Mike
RAW FLASHBACK – Stonecold Crucified. Mae Young through a table. 1-2-3 beats Razor. Chainsaw Charlie pushes the dumpster. Stone Cold and Tyson. Cena FU’s Federline. Trump drops money. Trish and Rock kiss. Jericho and Trish. Christian and Trish. LIta and Matt. Mickie and Trish. Lita and Edge. Linda and Bischoff. Regal and Vince’s ass. Val and Ryan. Choppie CHoppie PeePee. Kane unmasked.
“He’s burned… oh wait, no he’s not.” – Chris
Brock. Girls thrown in mud. Eric introduced. Sable and Mark Mero. The fights over the bridge in Pittsburgh. Shane on Nitro. The limo blows up! Nice.
COMMERCIAL FOUR – 8:50
Now though, Santino! And Maria! He’s sick of this old flashbacking show. He made an open contract match to–
RVD!?!?!? WHAT THE FUCK….
“Welcome to TNA!” – Me
“Temporary suspension of the wellness policy.” – Bill
SANTINO vs. RVD
He goes for the RV… kick in the groin. High kick from RVD… DEET! RVD to the top. Five star! Does the R V D…. THE END!
“Pay me… then gone!” – Chris
“Santino, go job to the guy who doesn’t work for the company anymore.” – Bill
We now get a flashback on Evolution. The introduction of every wrestler into the group. The Evolution Reunion, next.
COMMERCIAL FIVE – 8:58
Lillian introduces all five members of Evolution. First, Ric Flair!
“It’s going to be interesting since Randy is the only heel.” – Me
“And Randy & Dave are both champs.” – Mike
“Didn’t Ric face Randy two weeks ago!?” – Bill
Bah, water under the bridge.” – Chris
Time to play the gaaaaaaaame. Wearing his Evolution shirt, nice.
Dave! I do love his pyro. Finally, here comes …
“They should all be wearing suits.” – Dani
HEY! He’s got a mic though at the top of the ramp.
“Hi guys!” – Bill
He explains he’s not coming out here to join them. He’s at the pinnacle of his career and he’s not going to have them all ride his coattails. He remembers what happens what happened when they were Evolution the first time.
“Flashback!” – Hernandez
“..bunch of wavy lines.” – Chris
So we get a flashback of the thumb down.
“HEY! CHRIS BENOIT MADE IT TO THE SHOW!” – Mike
Randy gets beat down.
Trips remembers all of that. It was fun because he was a big pain in the ass. Anyway… Randy wants to introduce Edge!
They all yell at each other until Ric tells them all to shut up and they want a tag team match… so it’s Ric, Dave, and Trips vs. Randy, Edge, and Umaga?!
“So if Ric’s team loses, does he have to retire?” – Mike
COMMERCIAL SIX – 9:09
DAVE & RIC & TRIPS vs. RANDY & EDGE & ..Umaga?
5 Champs.. and Umaga
So we’re back in the match, and every match is apparently a main event… if one is to believe JR.
So Edge is beating down on Ric. He gets to his feet and chops Edge on down. Throws him counter corner, and it’s reversed so Ric takes the back body drop. Edge clotheslines him down and brings in Umaga.
Punches Ric down and nerve pinch!
“A dust just comes off of Ric… he’s decomposing before our eyes.” – Chris
Tag to Randy and the Garvin Stomp all over Ric.
Back body drop from Randy. Ric then out of nowhere hits a dropkick and now they are all crawling to their corner.
Tag to Dave! Dave and Randy going at it int he ring. Dave hits a clothesline on Randy. Hits Umaga. Hits Edge.
“I CAN’T STOP RUNNING!” – Hernandez
He hits the sidewalk slam on Randy. Hunter and Dave both hit the spinebusters on Edge and Randy! Double clothesline from Umaga. Ric goes after Umaga, chops and punches, and Umaga doesn’t budge!
“Ric, honey, it’s time to come back to the home.” – Chris
So Dave and Trips yell at Edge and Orton up the ramp… and Umaga is left with the good guys.
Ric low blows him. Dave spears him. Hunter of course..
“Wonder what he’s going to do.” – Bill
“High knee.” – Mike
In the back, Jeff Hardy watches…
“He looks so lonely.” – Chris
“Because Matt’s almost dead.” – Mike
Oh, by the way, there was a DQ er something…
Stonecold comes in with the beer truck! Kane takes Lita’s ambulence. Stone Cold crushes the limo with the ATV. Hogan and the NWO hit an ambulence with a mack truck. Kane pulls Shane ou of the limbo. DX takes the back axel off the limo. Stone Cold crushes Rock’s limo with the huge truck. Cement into Vince’s new car. And finally… Kurt with the milk truck!
Edge goes Road Rage on Ric. Chops random drivers. Austin drives a zamboni. Wow they f’d up a lot of cars.
In the back Hornswoggle goes after Mickie James and Molly Holly!?! So Hornswaggle has to face Khali later tonight… next.
COMMERCIAL SEVEN – 9:22
“Who is coming to help Khali? I say Big Show” – Hernandez
HORNSWAGGLE vs. KHALI
Run in.. who?
Khali just grabs Horny.. and interupted by… Hulk Hogan!
“Hollywood ‘I need Money’ Hogan” – Hernandez
“My wife owns my name and Vince owns the NWO colors..” – Mike
“It’s gonna be like a carwreck in there… what?” – Me
Hogan goes face to chest with Khali. Hogan gets pumped. Blocks the Khali headchop. Boot to the gut. Khali goes beaty all over him.
“Someone call in Thunderlips!” – Hernandez
“Where are the Gladiators..” – Bill
“They dug up Hogan?!” – Chris
“I’m not ok with this.” – Jeffrey
He beats Khali out of the ring and calls him in making the gesture for ‘get in there I have to bodyslam you’
“Get in here! I have one more spot!” – Me
So Khali never shows back in the ring.
“They are getting a match.. he didn’t get the bodyslam.” – Hernandez
So Hogan grabs the mic and makes the announcement that we should all applaud for the greatest company.. the WWE.
“There’s nothing better than being in this very ring..” – Hogan
“…except getting paid.” – Hernandez
He’s going to be flying back to Miami to film a new show.. called American Gladiators.
“It’s not new.” – Me
“We didn’t hear about it…. twenty years ago.” – Bill
“I GET TO BE NITRO BROTHER” – Chris
Flashback – DX State of the Union! DX as Nation of Domination! DX with Rick Rude. ‘I love roosters’. Shawn O Mac. Windshield wipers on the SWAT masks. DX at WCW. The intro of Chyna. Coach through the wall.
COMMERCIAL EIGHT – 9:39
Flashback! It’s Mister Socko. Bedpan. Brilliant.
It’s time for a Gimmick Battle Royal!!!?!?!?!
AL SNOW!!!!! MARKING!
BART GUNN! Not Marking as much.
“Butterbean.. Bart Gunn leaves!” – Me
DOINK THE CLOWN!
“Hey!” – Hernandez
“How are you in two places” – Bill
REPO MAN!!!!!! FUCKING MARKING HARD!
STEVE BLACKMAN – He is fucking cut.
“Big Boss Man! Oh… nevermind…” – Chris
“He walked all the way to the Battle Royal” – Hernandez
COMMERCIAL NOW!?!??! FUCK OFF! 9:45
“Blue Blazer ain’t showin up..” – Me
“Double J…” – Mike
“Junkyard Dog…” – Chris
SCOTTY 2 HOTTY!!!! This is the greatest show ever!
“When did John Cleese start wrestling.” – Bill
“I was an action hero in the 80s” – Chris
GILLBERRRRRRRGGGGGGGGG!!!! I AM DONE!
He gets in and everyone throws out Gilberg! Ok now as these things work… we do our best. Bob Backlund has been tossed right at the get go. Neidhart working on Skinner. Doink is tossed and Al snow is fighting with Head. Gangrel gets clocked with Head.
Flash Funk hits a hot lil enzuigiri on Al Snow. He’s gone. Pete Gas.. gone. Bart Gunn… Gone. Flash Funk and Steve – Gone via rana. Repo Man tosses out the Goon!
“What’s this for?” – Jeffrey
“The Heavyweight Title.” – Bill
Neidhart and Repo fight it out and Repo goes over.. he taunts him and Skinner throws Neidhart over!
Final four – IRS – Slaughter – Skinner – Scotty 2 Hotty.
Scotty and IRS punch it out in the corner. IRS clotheslines him hard. Skinner and Slaughter in the other corner. IRS goes for the briefcase. It gets blocked! Scotty 2 Hotty hits… THE WORM!
Skinner grabs Scotty annnnnd HE’S tost. Slaughter gets behind him and throws the Cobra clutch! Skinner charges Slaughter into the corner. Skinner charges Slaughter! He’s gone! IRS TOSSES SLAUGHTER!!!
WINNNER – MOTHER FUCKING IRS!
And here comes Ted Fricking DiBiase!?!??!? This is amazing!
“Due to inflation, Ted DiBiase is the 20,000 MaN.” – cHRIS
Ted comes in and is going to pay IRS to go over the top rope! IRS takes the money and eliminates himself!
“He has to pay taxes on that…” – Chris
“It could be a gift!” – Me
Ted’s got himself a microphone. For over fifteen years, everybody’s got a price. Mark of the show!
FLASHBACK! Diva moments and big slaps. This legitamitely is everyone slapping everyone.
“Where’s ‘slap me’?!?!” – Me
“Ryan Shamrock.. come on..” – Chris
COMMERCIAL TEN – 10:00
Eric Bischoff’s baaaack and better than ever. In the middle of the ring.
“Is that Merv Griffin” – Chris
Bischoff begins faux crying about being on the 15th anniversary of Raw. He also explains that the more things change the more things stay the same.
“Owen.. still dead.” – Hernandez
Bischoff is not here to put smiles on our faces. People like all of that will be dependent on people like him and Vince will always be dependent on people like him to reinvent wrestling over and over again.
“Watch American Gladiators.” – Hernandez
5.. 4.. 3.. Y2J … Good times!
Bischoff tries to remember his name… Chrissss… Chrisss…
“Benoit!” – Chris
Jericho of course. Bischoff isn’t too sure, but he thinks that Bischoff fired him a few years ago.
“Sorry, I’ll leave.” – Hernandez
Jericho tells him to shut the hell up. He says things do stay the same… and he’s an assclown now. He agrees that he was fired by Bischoff a few years ago. So now he’s back and he’s going to win the title this weekend agaaaain.
Bischoff says he should ‘save us’ from paying $40 for Armageddon and forfeit.
“…Good idea. I shall.” – Chris
Y2J then err.. raps a bit about decking Bischoff.
“Unzips and it’s John Cena.” – Bill
Then decks Bischoff. In runs Randy! He gets dropped into the Walls and Randy taps! Jericho then grabs the belt.
“After seeing this belt… I DO forfeit.” – Hernandez
“What the hell is this spinning crap.” –
COMMERCIAL ELEVEN – 10:12
Dusty Rhodes on commentary!
“Duthty on commentary… exthallent!” – Me
Here comes Cody and Hardcore…
“Who are the tag champs now?” – Mike
“Cade & Murdoch.” – Hernandez
“Oh.” – Mike
CODY & HARDCORE vs. CADE & MURDOCH
Tag champs changing tonight!
Cody starting with Cade. Side headlock from Cade. Shoulder check from Cody drops Cade. Cody gets thrown to the ropes and kicks Cade in the face. Cade hits a manhattan drop.
They show Dusty looking pensive.
“He’s thinking!” – Hernandez
“Yeah.. he’s thinking ‘Arbys'” – Bill
Tag to Murdoch hits a few and then right back to Cade. Cade goes for an elbow and misses. Both tag and Holly in there with Murdoch. Dropkick from Holly. Clubs Murdoch on the back.
In the ring Alabama on Murdoch… That’s that. Easy peezy.
WINNER: CODY & HOLLY
Dusty in the ring now slapping hands with everyone. They did it… woo.
“We goin Arbys!” – Me
“Fo shizzle!” – Bill
FLASHBACK! Famous people. Famous places.
COMMERCIAL TWELVE – 10:25
FLASHBACK! Divas! Hot fucking Divas. Medusa! Bull Nakano! Sunny! Sable. Chyna. Lita! Trish! Stacy! Candice. Layla. Torrie. Mickie. Molly! Victoria! Beth! MARIA!
So in the ring… Jillian Hall… who has a christmas album. She starts singing the twelve days of christmas. It’s stopped by Trish Stratus! Dressed to wrestle.
Anyway, she’s looking awesome.
“She’s looked more and more awesome since that tazer.” – Bill
So Trish gets a mic and discusses how surprised that Jillian has an album. Jillian says Trish has a big ego… oh and this is stopped by.. Lita!
“Her neck just falls off.” – Me
“Don’t untie the ribbon.” – Bill
Lita gets in there and her and Trish go nose to nose. Lita explains that not only does Jillian’s singing sucks… so does her voice.
“Pot.. Kettle.. Glass Stones.. houses…” – Me
They of course doubleteam her. They share hops back and forth.
“This segment written by Stone Cold.” – Hernandez
Lita and Trish then hug. Awww.
FLASHBACK! Doink splashes Heenan! Steph gets a stinkface! Stone Cold’s Bang 3:16. Hunter and Trish in the 69 in the ring. Val giggling at Big Show’s penis. Rock messing with Hurricane. Someone pees in Regal’s tea. Eugene in the ring with the Rock. Edge & Christian with kazoos!!! Steph’s boobjob via Y2J. Mark Henry with a transvestite. Golddust singing ‘I’m a Lumberjack. The hand birth. Golddust’s stutter. Etc.
COMMERCIAL THIRTEEN – 10:38
FLASHBACK! Weddings. Test & Steph. Kane & Lita. Trips & Steph. Kane destroy’s all of them.
In the back.. Lita watching the video. She turns and hey, there’s Kane.
“So.. seen any good movies…” – Kane
“See no evil?” – Chris & Bill
So they do the uncomforable dating moment only to have Ron Simmons walk up… ‘DAMN!’ Great.
“Ok, it’s 10:45… where’s Marty?” – Me
“Just fired.” – Bill
“Is Marty going to main event a Raw?” – Hernandez
“The 15th year anniversary show!” – Mike
COMMERCIAL FOURTEEN – 10:46
Here comes the Rockers music!!!!!!!!! Marty Jannety!
“You can’t even get a jacket with rainbow sleeves anymore.” – Bill
“What’s with the armbands.” – Chris
“They’re for Eddie.” – Bill
MISTER KENNEDY vs. MARTY JANNETY
Starts with shoulderchecks from Kennedy. Drop toe from Marty. Side headlock and a chain set with a snapmare.
Marty gets picked up and knees Marty. He gets thrown to the corner and Kennedy drops a hard dropkick to his leg, following up with a half crab.
“Ref ref ref ref ref ref ref ref ref…
“I’m on TV!” – Me
Kennedy goes for a pin for two.
Kennedy hits a legscrew for two. Continues to boot him on down. Kennedy goes for another leg screw and gets hit with a huge enzuigiri. Marty hits a back elbow. Suplex for two.
He brings Kennedy to the corner, up top for the punches. Kennedy slams him out of it and a hard clothesline sends Marty ass over kettle. Kennedy picks him up, but Marty gets out of it and hits the Rocker Dropper!
He’s going up for the Rocker Elbow! Marty ends lying on the ropes, Kennedy goes and picks him up for the rolling Kennedy, but Marty rolls him up!!!!!! TWO! Damn!
Kennedy kicks the shit out of him and the end.
Kennedy kicks the hell out of Marty… hey Shawn!
They duke it out for a bit, and it’s all stopped by Hunter coming on down wearing a DX shirt.
“Three shirts in one show!” – Chris
They toss Kennedy out and do some DX pyro
“Marty is not allowed in the ring right now… there is a sniper trained on him.” – Hernandez
“He’s just running around the ring…” – Chris
“Moving into orbit.” – Bill
“Think Marty climbed under the ring hoping they’ll ship it with him.” – Mike.
COMMERCIAL FIFTEEN – 10:59
Vince in the ring is here to tell us who the greatest wrestler in Raw history is… of course it will be Vince.
Now let’s see what he says. Envelope. Opened. Drumroll. McMahon. Wait for Steve… oh wait… Mick Foley!
Dressed as Mankind!? Sure, why the hell not.
“I want Dude Love.” – Mike
So Vince tells him to leave, and Foley says nothing, just Socko’s Vince. This stopped by TAKER!? He takes his merry sweet time getting to the ring.
Vince turns around annnd… Chokeslammed.
“All this effort.. for that?” – Chris
“I will mark out for one more person..” – Mike
“Who?” – Me
“The Rock.” – Mike
“Never going to happen.” – Me
Glass breaks… in comes Stone Cold.
“Check please.” – Mike
“An awesome anniversary show.” – Jeffrey
“Lita made Kane happy.” – Jenna
“Fun show, wish we had more flashbacks.” – Hernandez
“Predictable writing.. could see it all coming.. pretty good show.” – Chris
“Marty Jannety main evented. I wish every week was an anniversary.” – Mike
“It was great right up until I got kicked in the face.” – Bill
“I enjoyed it.” – Nina
In the end… it was what it was, and I enjoyed the heck out of it.