The SmarK 24/7 Rant for Primetime Wrestling – December 21 1992

The SmarK 24/7 Rant for Prime Time Wrestling – December 21 1992

– The Xmas theme continues, obviously.

– Hosted by Vince McMahon, with guests Sgt. Slaughter, Hillbilly Jim, Jerry Lawler and Bobby Heenan.

Yokozuna v. Kevin Kruger

Kind of weird seeing Fuji in the penguin suit while managing Yokozuna. Yoko was almost at a weight you could call human at this point. Yoko quickly tosses the jobber down and drops the Hulkbuster, then superkicks him and finishes with the belly to belly and Banzai drop at 2:29. Total squash.

– And now, a sermon from Reverend Slick about Christmas. What a weird face turn that was.

Big Bossman v. Barry Hardy.

An ominous clown is lurking at ringside, up to no good. Bossman slugs Hardy down and does the Batista thumbs-down bit before hitting a backbreaker and running him into the corner. Bossman Slam finishes at 1:42. He handcuffs Hardy to the ropes and questions him on suspicion of being a jobber, but the nameless clown trips him up during his run back to the dressing room. He just got Doink’d!

WWF Event Center! With Sean Mooney! Contrary to the name, we don’t actually get any events listed, as Bobby Heenan cuts him off.

Kamala v. Bill Koby.

Kamala pounds the jobber and tosses him around the ring, but of course tries to pin him on his stomach and fails. Another splash to the back also fails to work, so Kim Chee talks him through rolling the guy over for the pin at 1:57. The idea that Kamala, who had been in the WWF for years previous, was suddenly too stupid to pin someone was pretty ludicrous.

Rick Martel v. Brian Costello.

Dig that mullet on Costello. Not quite full Crush levels or anything, but impressive no less. Martel stomps away in the corner and hits him with a clothesline and goes to work on the arm, but misses an elbow and Costello comes back. That lasts about one move, as Martel blocks a hiptoss and takes Costello down for a kneedrop and gut wrench suplex before hitting the chinlock. When you have to chinlock a jobber, you’re pretty dull. Costello gets a crossbody for two and a sunset flip for two, but Martel ducks another try and finishes him with the Boston crab at 3:20. More drawn out than usual for squashes at this point.

UPDATE! WITH MEAN GENE! Bobby Heenan interrupts an interview with Bret Hart to let him know that either Ric Flair or Razor Ramon will soon be taking his title. Mr Perfect storms out to set up what would have been a pretty awesome tag team match.

And now, for the highlight of the show, Jameson joins the panel to present Bobby with a pair of boxer shorts as a present. Speaking as someone who didn’t get Prime Time, Jameson’s appearances on the main shows with the Bushwackers made little sense as a viewer.

The Nasty Boys v. Chris Allen & Gus Kantarakis

Doink is at ringside with presents while Sags elbows Kantarakis down and Knobbs drops elbows of his own. The increasingly-empty crowd indicates that this is late in the taping. They give the poor jobber the Pit Stop and it’s over to Chris Allen, who gets slugged down by Knobbs, setting up a shitty middle rope legdrop from Sags. Knobbs powerslams Allen into the Shitty Elbow from Sags to finish at 2:23. This was definitely one of those face turns that no one was clamouring for. Doink gives them their presents after the match — replicas of the tag belts, followed by a picture of Money Inc. Ashton Kutcher has nothing on this guy.

Damian Demento v. Kerri Davis.

It’s a shame that Demento was such a shitty worker, because it was a great name and look. Damian pounds Davis down and chokes him out in the corner, setting up a legdrop and Rude Awakening to finish at 2:10. Five years earlier and he would have wrestled Hulk Hogan for the title around the country, but not in 1992. Apparently Phil Theis now hosts a children’s show, which is one of those outcomes you wouldn’t guess.

Bam Bam Bigelow v. Mike Collins.

Bigelow pounds on the jobber and headbutts him down, then hiptosses him into an armbar and dropkicks him down. Delayed vertical suplex, backbreaker and flying headbutt finish at 2:23.

Tito Santana v. Louie Spicoli.

Ah, Louie, back in his jobber days as a teenager. They trade hammerlocks to start and Louie runs to the ropes to escape, but Tito hiptosses and dropkicks him and Spicoli bails. Tito slingshots him back in and works on the arm, but Spicoli fights back and pounds away in the corner. Tito rams him into the turnbuckles for a 10-count and follows with an atomic drop and clothesline, setting up Pace With Extra Picante to finish at 2:47. Not exactly competitive, but you could tell Louie cared a lot more than the usual meatbags they threw out there.

Royal Rumble Report! Brought to you by ICOPro! First six entrants are Ted Dibiase, Bob Backlund, Tatanka, Yokozuna, The Undertaker and The Berzerker. Man, that show kicked off one horrid year for wrestling in general.

Back at the roundtable, Vince introduces us to the WWF’s newest tag team…The Steiner Brothers. Man, there’s an anticlimactic intro if there ever was one. No wonder they were such a flop.

Marty Jannetty v. Papa Shango.

Finally a competitive match. Shango chokes him out in the corner, but Marty goes over the top and grabs an armbar. Shango elbows him down to escape and talks to his magic skull in the corner, then goes to the chinlock. Blind charge hits boot and Marty makes the comeback and slugs away while Shawn Michaels joins us at ringside. Marty clotheslines Papa to the floor and follows with a missile dropkick, but goes after Shawn and gets counted out at 4:44. Typical wussy non-finish for the time. 1/2*

Razor Ramon v. Some Jobber

When you don’t even get your name announced, you’re not going anywhere. Ramon slugs away in the corner and follows with the blockbuster slam and abdominal stretch. Ramon stomps him down on the ropes and gets the backdrop suplex off the middle ropes, and the Razor’s Edge finishes at 2:43. Highlight was Bobby Heenan dishing the “dirt” on Mr. Perfect on commentary. (“He’s illiterate. Can’t read two words.”)

The panel discusses Razor’s chances against Bret Hart and then we’re joined by Mrs. Claus, who has a special gift for Bobby from Santa: A mug with Jameson’s face on it. Everyone else gets WWF mugs. Bobby goes to “show her the mistletoe” and gets slapped for his troubles.

And the comedy quotient gets upped again as some interviewer I don’t recognize brings out Santa Luke and Santa Butch and gets licked.

Skinner v. Bob Backlund. Backlund was not yet crazy at this point. Bob takes Skinner down a few times and Skinner hides in the ropes to escape. He comes back with a test of strength attempt, but Backlund legsweeps him to get out of that. Backlund tries the ATOMIC DROP OF DOOM, but Skinner blocks and gets a rollup for one. Backlund finishes with his own rollup at 3:40. Neither guy really got any offense here. 1/2*

Money Inc. v. Lavern McGill & Chris Hawn.

Man those are some terrible wrestling names. Vince tries to make a big deal out of Dibiase “signing” for the Royal Rumble while IRS has not. That’s some deep investigative journalism. Dibiase works on McGill’s arm while Doink again lurks on the floor. IRS comes in and lets Hawn come in, but quickly hits him with a backdrop suplex. Hawn comes back with a sunset flip for two, but Dibiase finishes him with the Million Dollar Dream at 2:33.

Crush v. Dark Destiny

Given that Mr. Destiny is wearing Lords of Pain tights, I’m guessing it’s either Dwayne Gill or Barry Hardy. Crush gets a belly to belly and pounds away in the corner, then tosses Destiny and suplexes him back in. Head vice finishes at 2:47.

The Undertaker v. Dwayne Gill.

Oh, hey, speak of the devil. Taker quickly chokeslams Gill and gets a short-arm clothesline, into a backdrop suplex and tombstone at 1:50.

The Headshrinkers v. Matthew Williams & Dave Morgan.

Samu pounds Morgan to start and clotheslines him down. Morgan looks like a shorter Kane, in jobber form. Over to Williams, in a Jim Cornette bodysuit, and Fatu quickly slams him to set up the flying splash from Samu at 2:13.

And we finish with Vince announcing that come January 11, Prime Time will be cancelled and replaced with some stupid new idea called Monday Night RAW. Man, was that one short-lived.

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