CPO: I want an Alien for Christmas

This year for Christmas
There’s something I’d really like
So if you’re up there somewhere Santa
Please don’t bring me another bike

I don’t need any ugly sweaters
And I don’t play much basketball
But there’s something kinda special
That I want most of all…

I want an alien for Christmas
Bring me an alien this year
I want a little green guy
About three feet high
With seventeen eyes
Who knows how to fly
I want an alien for Christmas this year

He can live in the bath tub
So don’t worry about a thing
And I’ll take him out for walks
When it gets nicer in the spring

I’ll always keep him company
Hell never be alone
And we can hang around the house all day
And watch the twilight zone

I want an alien for Christmas

Excerpt from “I Want an Alien for Christmas”
Music and lyrics by Adam Schlesinger and Chris Collingwood

I could go the traditional route. You know, retrofitting popular Nitendo DS games as Atari 2600 games starring Steaven Seagal?
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But how many times can we read columns like that?

Instead, I’m basing this week’s column on a Christmas novelty song.

(Novelty Christmas song? Pirate ghosts or ghost pirates?)

Having already written the definitive list of holiday films 2 years ago, I feared that there were no more mountains left to climb.

What I didn’t consider, however, was that the list included very few appearances by aliens. Okay, so the list did have Santa Claus Conquers the Martians.

So, what I didn’t consider, however, was that the list included very few appearances by non-Martian aliens.

So let’s evaluate some of our options for Alien Christmas Movie Marathon!

(Christmas Alien Movie Marathon?)

E.T.: The Extra-terrestrial (1982)

Why does it fit?
It’s got an alien who acts like Jesus. E.T. is an obvious Christ metaphor. He is abandoned on Earth, heals the sick, performs some miracles, gets killed by the government, comes back to life, ascends to heaven. He promises to remain in the hearts of his disciples. Pentecost, glowy finger, same thing.

Why doesn’t it fit:
I haven’t been able to sit through E.T. since I was 7. It puts me right to sleep. E. T. is shit brown and really needs to gargle some salt water. The available copies of the flick don’t seem to help either. Most people have the crappy video tape that McDonald’s used to sell for 5 bucks. If you get it on DVD, I think that you have to buy the Special Edition version where Walkie Talkies are photoshopped over all the guns and that evil word “terrorist” was deleted. Plus, the film takes place over Halloween and E.T.’s resurrection story is more of an Easter thing. We want Christmas!

The Thing (1982)

Why does it fit?
Well, it’s got an alien. It’s got a bunch of snow. It kicks ass.

Why doesn’t it fit?
The atmosphere of suspicion and paranoia don’t particularly fit with the themes of Christmas. This is unless, of course, you’re family’s gift policy is one of them Yankee Swap/ White Elephant/ Pirate Exchange deals. If that is the case, The Thing would work out well. . . aside from permanently scarring any of the kids.

Spaced Invaders (1990)

Why does it fit?
It stars little green guys about 3 feet high!

Why doesn’t it fit?
It is another Halloween alien movie. Plus, it really sucks. Even when I was eleven ears old, I knew that this film sucked shit through a straw.

The Day the Earth Stood Still (1951)

Why does it fit?
It has a Christ figure, and a message of “peace on earth, goodwill to men.” And you should really watch this flick before its remake comes out in 2008.

Why doesn’t it fit?
There’s no snow. Klaatu doesn’t look much like an alien. Also, Klaatu dies and is temporarily resurrected, thus relegating this as another Easter movie.

Independence Day (1996)

Why does it fit?
It’s got aliens out the wazoo.

Why doesn’t it fit?
The title references the wrong holiday. Well that, and it sucks donkey balls.

K-Pax (2001)

I refuse to talk about fucking K-pax

Superman movies

Why do they fit?
Superman is an alien! and very often a Christ-figure. Plus, it is always a white Christmas at the fortress of solitude!

Why don’t they fit?
It’s a fine option as long as you skip 3 and 4. Just be prepared that Rob might show up.

Alien films, Predator films, AVP films.

Why do they fit?
The new flick is coming out right about now. All these films feature at least one alien. AVP has a bunch of snow and such. Sometimes the aliens look like they have reindeer antlers. Aliens extolls the strength and virtues of motherhood, and is thus a good family film.

Why don’t they fit?
The Predator movies take place during heat waves. AVP is monstrously stupid and fairly boring. Aliens 3 and Alien: Resurrection both suck pretty hard. The original Alien is a parable about rape which isn’t a very Christmas-y thing. On the other hand, Mary was unknowingly impregnated by an extra-terrestrial being.

I take it back, Alien is a good Christmas movie.

Outro A.K.A. Shit, I’ve got a lot of other things to do.

There are a lot more options out there for you to evaluate. (Some are obvious) I just wanted to give you a head start.

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