Tonight! Tons of Christmas themed matches that may still be good despite the shoehorned-in holiday festivities!
Backstage, in the same room where they had a Thanksgiving get-together, is Eric Young decorating a Christmas tree. With him are his two fat inbred cousins, and his sister, “Kimberly the Monkey Girl,” complete with monkey. And who is…holy shit, it’s Bushwacker Lukeâ€¦or Butch! However, he can’t legally use that name, so he’s wearing his “Men from Down Under” trunks, and Eric Young calls him, “The man, the myth, the legend: Uncle Leo!” He bushwacks around, licks Eric, and we get thrown to the show.
In a neat touch, the cage in the Impact Zone is decorated with Christmas lights. Matt Morgan comes down to the ring, as Jim Cornette is “away on business,” and he pumps up the crowd, although lord knows if I can remember what he said ten seconds after he said it. Remember children, every time Matt Morgan shows that heâ€™s capable of putting three sentences together, Pulse Glazer gets his wings.
Match 1: Christmas Chaos in a Cage Match:
The Rock and Rave Infection, James Storm, and Robert Roode vs. LAX, Scott Steiner, and Booker T
Entrances deserve some attention here, as the ladies are all wearing “sexy Santa’s helper” garb, especially Ms. Brooks in a tasty little number with an open midriff, and, for some reason, I get a kick out of James Storm coming down, drinking, with a big white Santa beard. However, Christy Hemme is dressed skanky, but not necessarily uber-festive. Oh, and Sharmell is just wearing her typical classy, but sparkly, dress. And Jackie Moore is wearing leggings and a Santa coat, so sheâ€™s not particularly sexy, either. So, only Ms. Brooks, then. Good thing I started talking about it, thenâ€¦
Anyway, Steiner and Storm start, and they do some standard starting out stuff, ending with Storm getting chopped in the corner, and then hiptossed out. Scott beats up on him for awhile, and hits the muscle elbow/pushup combo. Storm realizes that this isnâ€™t’ working, and tags out to Jimmy Rave, which brings in Hernandez. Rave tries to beat on Hernadez, but it doesn’t work, as LAX just double teams him. In a sick move, Homicide catapults Rave into the waiting arms of Homicide, who gives him a long hard look, then crackerjacks him, headfirst, into the cage, as his head smushes against it like a cartoon character, before rebounding off onto the mat. Oucharoo. And that only gets two! Hernandez leaves, and Homicide is in with Roode, only to get tossed into the cage as we get tossed to our first commercial.
We’re back for a few moments, but frankly, it’s just some brawling before everyone gets into a schmoz. While everyone is beating up everyone else, the obviously female member of LAX runs down pulls Hemme off the apron where she was screaming at her boys, and chases her away with the slapjack. Know how else you can tell itâ€™s a woman? Because the announcers keep talking about how horrible the man-on-woman violence is. Before I can even figure out what’s happening, Booker T Bookends Roode for the pin. Well, that was fast, but fun while it lasted.
Winners: LAX, Steiner, and Booker T via Bookend
Backstage at Eric’s Santa Claus Waiting Party (with Eric shouting “Santa!” every time someone comes into the room), Velvet Sky and Angelina Love show up dressed as slutty Santa girls, and, as their characters have been established, they’re both there to “service the guests” and Sky makes some sexual innuendo about “milk and cookies.” They see Eric’s big fat slob cousins, and are disgusted, as am I. Come on, TNA, give me someone to care about, not fucking one-dimensional nymphomaniacs…unless they’re gonna be heels. That could be interesting. These girls should NOT be cheered if theyâ€™re going to be all about sex with random people, and TNA occasionally teases them going that way with a sort of â€œMean Girlsâ€ mentality, but some kind of story needs to be done with them, then. Just as Sonjay Duttâ€™s guru character needs a story to fully establish that heâ€™s a sneaky greedy heel, these girls need to be put in a story with some of the other knockouts that show that these are the kinds of girls that should be booed, not cheered because theyâ€™re big fans of the wang.
Next in the room is ODB, dressed in green with an elf hat. However, she doesn’t want to service the guests. She bellows, “What do I look like, a slut?” as she smacks her massive cleavage. She, appropriately, mans the bar. Interestingly enough, Awesome Kong is in next, ALSO dressed in red. As Eric tries to find something for her to do, she looks at him as if to say, “Cracker, is you crazy?!” Eric makes her the bathroom attendant, but notes that she has nice gloves, since, y’know, they must be warm.
Isnâ€™t it odd that Awesome Kong is an idiot monster at Thanksgiving, but by Christmas, she notices how dumb everyone else is? Funny thing, that.
Back at the Impact Zone, Team 3D comes down to the ring, Ray in full Santa Garb with beard and wig, and Johnny Devine is their magical Christmas Elf, complete with Singapore Cane painted like a candy cane. That is kind of funny, actually. Then, time for the not funny, as they bring â€œJay Lethalâ€ and the â€œMotor City Machine Gunsâ€ down to the ring, and, of course, theyâ€™re midgets. None of them especially look like their counterparts, although Little Sabin is wearing the alien tights, and Little Lethal is black. Other than that, no real resemblance. Each midget takes turns sitting on Santaâ€™s lap and telling Ray what they want for Christmas. Somewhat funny moment when Little Lethal tells Ray that heâ€™d like a date with SoCal Val, and Ray says, â€œHereâ€™s five dollars. Bring me back change,â€ and then pushes him off his lap, which he does to all of the little guys. They, oddly enough, donâ€™t enjoy this. So, Ray gets down on his knees to talk to the, and one of them clocks him. Ray, not surprisingly, points out that this is not a good idea, and it looks like Team 3D and Devine are about to do themselves some midget-killing, but before that can happen, the real Motor City Machine Guns and Jay Lethal come out, They say, hey, bring the giant candy canes out (wha? Damn you, Christmas show!), and letâ€™s have the match, right here, right now!
After the commercial. Right.
Match 2: Double North Pole Match:
Team 3D and Johnny Devine vs. Motor City Machine Guns and “Black Machismo” Jay Lethal
There are giant candy cane poles on each side of the ring, with Team 3D guarding a stocking that says, “Ultimate X Match” and the X Division guys guarding one that says, “Plate Glass Tables Match.” Ouch. Anyway, the match is pretty back and forth with quick tags, with Team 3D using power moves like superplexes and tosses off the top rope to counter the quick kick-based offense and jumping forearms of Machismo and the MCMG. Special credit should be given to Brother Ray, as he wrestles the whole first part of the match, not only in the Santa suit (as is Devon), but also with the beard, although he ditches the wig after about five minutes. As we go off to the next commercial, Brother Ray catches Machismo in a uranage, and smashes him down as we go to commercial. See you on the other side, brother man.
Here on the other side, the match be crazy! Everyone’s all brawling on the outside, and no one has any respect for the rules. No one! Ah, but Jay Lethal and Ray get back in the ring, and Ray pounds on him until he can set up for the Wassup Drop, but Shelley runs to the turnbuckle and tosses Devon off, and Lethal rolls over and reverses the Wassup setup. And scaling the turnbuckle is…Little Alex Shelley? He hits the head butt to the crotch of Ray, who gets himself out of the ring. Devine runs in and takes out Lethal, then runs up to grab the stocking, but Sabin comes in and crotches him. Meanwhile, on the floor, Little Lethal and Little Sabin pull down on the legs of Devine to make it a bit worse, and the MCMG look at each other, shrug, and push down on Devine’s shoulders to add to his misery. The Guns turn around, and Devon clotheslines them both down. Lethal then picks up Little Sabin and tosses him at Devon, who catches him, but the little guy slips behind him and kicks Devon in the nads, and the Guns kill him with Total Elimination. Ray charges in and tries to take out the Guns, but they annihilate him with a series of kicks and enzuguiris. Meanwhile, Lethal climbs the top rope, while Little Lethal gets on top of Sabin’s back, and they give stereo elbow drops to Team 3D. Shelley runs up to the candy cane and grabs the X Division stocking, which means that they’ll have them one of those matches at Final Resolution.
Winners: MCMG and Jay Lethal
Back at the Christmas party, the two big fat disgusting cousins are trying to get to the bathroom, but Amazing Kong takes her job seriously, and refuses to let them pass. Sheâ€™s not so much attending the bathroom as she is guarding it, and when Oafish and Doofus try to get through, she pounds them into paste. Next in the party is Kevin Nash, which excites Eric almost as much as Santa might. Also excited: Angelina Love and Velvet Sky, who approach Kevin with that hungry look in their eyes, as theys gots lovinâ€™ to dos.
Dirtiest Line of the night:
Eric: â€œSantaâ€™s coming.â€
Kevin: â€œHe wonâ€™t be the only one whoâ€™s coming.â€
Eric: [to people at party and audience, chuckling] â€œI donâ€™t know what that means.â€
Angelina then goes over to ODB, whoâ€™s having a good olâ€™ time at the bar, andâ€¦I think ODB throws a drink at her? Iâ€™m sorry, I was thinking about boobies. Anyway, they start brawling, and before you know it, ALL the girls at the party, including Christy Hemme, Jackie Moore, and Ms. Brooks are attacking each other as we go to commercial.
So…there’s a monkey on the floor. But, in addition to that, the Angles (Kurt unt Karen) enter the party. Kurt tries to tell Eric that there’s no Santa, but it’s just not catching on. Compares Santa to Shrek or Spider-man, but that just sends Eric on a tangent about those characters. There is something sweet about Ericâ€™s naivete, but will we ever be able to take him seriously? Heâ€™ll always be the naÃ¯ve character, and if they ever decide to get serious with him, heâ€™ll be looking back on his Santa Claus believing personality with shame, like how the Rock looks at the old Rocky Maivia character.
Commercials interrupt the introduction of the women, so I’m just going to introduce that after the commercial. However, the “outspoken” Samoa Joe has arrived to the arena, and he’s probably none too pleased that Christian Cage is going to be taking on Angle at Final Resolution. Are they trying to make Joe a heel by having him complain like Chris Harris does? Isnâ€™t complaining about TNAâ€™s screw-ups and misplaced priorities only going to make him a bigger net hero than he already is?
Match 3: Santa’s Workshop Street Fight:
ODB vs. Roxxi Leveaux vs. Jackie Moore vs. Christy Hemme vs. Ms. Brooks vs. Awesome Kong vs. Angelina Love vs. Velvet Sky vs. Gail Kim
I just realized Awesome Kong’s music basically starts out as Beethoven’s Fifth. Hooray for public domain, right?
Gail Kim goes right for Kong, and they brawl on the outside, which we watch a lot of, and they end up fighting to the back. Meanwhile, the girls fight in the ring, and it’s somewhat funny, as they’re all using a bunch of toes to fight. In an amusing moment, Christy Hemme grabs a red stuffed monkey and swings it like a set of nunchuks…and gets kicked in the head by Roxxi. It’s just absolute craziness in the ring, but for the most part, the weapons just end up strewn across the ring while the women brawl. However, after a few minutes, Kong wanders back to the ring, staggering a bit, and the girls are all terrified. They have no idea what to do, and try to double team her, but she just destroys everyone. Roxxi Leveaux tries to…voodoo her, or something, but she just gets a backfist to the face. Christy Hemme, clutching the teddy bear, is dragged, literally kicking and screaming, into the ring, and gets Awesome Bombed into oblivion for the pin.
Winner: Awesome Kong via Awesome Bomb
Post-match, Gail Kim gets into the ring, but it looks like Kong is going to clobber her. However, Gail kicks her in the head, and then smashes her with a chair, including a headshot which takes her down. However, Kong shakes it off before too long, and they’re pulled apart by security.
You know, itâ€™s really kind of a big deal that a woman, regardless of her size, took a chairshot straight to the head on television. I mean, she didnâ€™t block it at all, she just took it, and Kong just got right back up. Upon further review, this certainly shows that Kong is one big, unstoppable bitch. That being said, I think it also makes Gail look good to be going at her so viciously in return, and she doesnâ€™t look like the scrappy underdog. Instead, thereâ€™s more a feeling of, â€œLooking for me? I have no problem standing toe-to-toe and bashing your teeth in.â€ Gail isnâ€™t dancing around her; sheâ€™s just beating on her like sheâ€™s not giving up 140 pounds.
Back at the Christmas party, Chris Harris complains, the midgets come in with the MCMGs and Jay Lethal, Sonjay Dutt arrives to ask for money, albeit excitedly, and SoCal Val comes in with mistletoe. Lethal gets ready to take the kiss, and vice versa, but Dutt slips in at the last second to get the kiss, which grosses her out. She’s down with the brown, but not with the Indian? Not cool, Val.
Crystal interviews Samoa Joe, and when she asks him if he’s coming to the Xmas Party, and he replies, “Screw you.” She tells him that she’s only the messenger, and he agrees, but tells her to tell Matt Morgan that he’ll make sure that it’s a party that Morgan NEVER forgets. Then he pounds a locker and storms out. That locker? Racist against Samoans. Itâ€™s true, I read it in â€œA Modest Response.â€
Match 4: Silent Night, Bloody Night
Rellik vs. Shark Boy vs. Black Reign vs. Abyss
One of these things is not like the other, one of these things, doesn’t belong…so you know, Shark Boy is still incredibly bandaged up, and, in a nice touch, even has a bandage on his fin. Wow, he IS messed up. Anyway, in this match, all of the presents in the ring, apparently, contain weapons, and there’s a tree made out of barbwire that hangs from the ceiling..
Abyss starts out with Reign, and Shark Boy is trying not to get killed by Rellik in the ring, and actually does alright for a bit while smacking him with a golf club. They go out of the ring, and Abyss and Reign get in, brawlin’ and a kickin’. Abyss boots Reign into the crner, and then gives him the ol ‘running butt smash. However, Rellik gets in the ring and gives a nice sidekick to Abyss, then picks him up for Reign to hit the Hart Attack. Reign is ground and pounding Abyss as we go to commercial.
Coming back, Shark Boy has some sense of control! Hooray! He’s beating on Reign and Rellik, and gets the “Darkness Falls” weapon, but he gets double-teamed and pounded on by the heels. And then, horror of horrors, Shark Boy is whipped into the barbed wire tree. The heels start arguing over who’ll get the pin, and that gives time for Abyss to get in the ring and knock them both down with a clothesline. He gets all of his toys from the tree, including a barbed wire bat, thumbtacks and glass, and he and Shark Boy swing the barbed wire tree into Reign in the corner. Abyss prepares to do some real smiting, when the lights go out, and, of course, Judas Mesias pops up, and gives Abyss a Straight to Hell on the thumbtacks. Rellik gives a Demon Driver (read: Jackhammer) to Shark Boy, and thatâ€™s all she wrote.
Winner: Rellik via Demon Driver
And so, Samoa Joe enters the party, and immediately starts yelling at Matt Morgan. He points out that they allocate all this time to parties instead of wrestling, and that theyâ€™re spending money on catering when they tell him that they canâ€™t afford to raise the salary cap to pay him what heâ€™s worth. He has a pointâ€¦regardless, he apologizes for sort of ruining the party, and seems to genuinely make amendsâ€¦and so, of course, he trashes the place, turning over tables, and tossing the Christmas Tree down with one hand. Next week: Matt Morgan vs. Samoa Joe in a Grinch Costume on a Pole match. Okay, not really, but it would work.
Eric Young is depressed, sitting alone with Borash, but he’s still hopeful that Santa will show up and make everything better. Borash starts telling that Santa is indeed fictional, but as he’s going on about it, who shows up in the foreground…but Santa! And gee whiz, is Eric Young excited. Santa better be famous, otherwise I’m going to punch a puppy. A cute one.
AJ Styles comes down to the ring for some match where the loser has to wear a reindeer costume! Oh the hilarity! Twenty bucks AJ loses this one to Kaz.
Match 5: Grab the Reindeer Ladder Match:
AJ Styles vs. Kaz
This should be fun, if hard to follow. Styles pokes Kaz in the eye and goes right for the ladder, but Kaz darts outside and spears him. Outside, Kaz whips AJ INTO the crowd, as AJ goes right over the guardrail. However, he springboards off the guardrail back toward the ring, and gives Kaz a flying elbow over a ladder. Styles gets a ladder into the ring, and meets Kaz on the apron, and they try to suplex each other, but Kaz ends up suplexing Styles OUT of the ring and onto a ladder propped up agains the ring. Holy shit, he should be crippled. However, when Kaz gets back in the ring to climb the ladder, AJ is right back in. Huh? Shouldnâ€™t he be near death? They fight over the ladder, and then in another cool move, AJ back flips off the ladder and hits the reverse DDT on Kaz. Damn. The ladder gets propped up against the rope, and they go back and forth, teasing suplexes and whatnot, but it all ends when Styles charges and gets tripped right into the damn thing. Kaz then leaps off the ladder to try to hit a flying kick, but he just ends up getting a Pele. And, with the possible concussion, we go to a commercial
During the break, Kaz nearly lost his nuts on the ladder, and as we come back, Kaz just gets tossed right into it. AJ goes for the costume, but he’s too far away, and Kaz lifts the ladder up from the other side and kinda/sorta crotches AJ on the ropes. The ladder is then set up propped on the corner, and AJ is up top. Kaz goes up there and seems to be going for the Flux Capacitor, but he can’t hit it. Then, it seems like AJ is going for the Styles Clash on it, but he gets back dropped off it, catching the side. Ouch. Kaz sets up the ladder in the center of the ring, but before he can get the costume, AJ climbs the other side and hip tosses him off. It looks like AJ is going to win, but Kurt Angle comes out (holding his belt…which is broken, actually, as one of the gold plates is falling off) and, in the course of encouraging and offering instruction to AJ, kind of confuses him. AJ sits atop the ladder, but it gives Kaz enough time to push the ladder over, which sends AJ’s back right into the turnbuckles. Styles simply can’t stop Kaz in time, and Kaz gets the reindeer costume.
AJ, naturally, has no interest in putting on the reindeer costume, and fights tooth and nail to avoid it. The refs try to get it on him, and he continues fighting, but Angle gets in the ring, and helps him put it on. Angle finally puts the mask on, and, indeed, he is dressed like a giant reindeer.
When Angle finally speaks, he points out that AJ was dressed as a turkey on Thanksgiving, and now he’s a reindeer on Christmas. He calls AJ a disgrace, and tells him to go back to his hotel room and say, “I am not a reindeer” a thousand times. AJ tries to hug him, but Angle’s not having it.
And then, miracle of miracles, out comes Eric Young and Santa Claus! Santa Claus, it should be noted, is just a guy in a Santa suit. Watch out, puppies of the worldâ€¦they give gifts to everyone at ringside, and even give Angle a DVD, but he’s not pleased. I will say, though, that the guy who’s Santa is pretty good…although you can see the string for his beard popping out occasionally. However, it is rather stupid to try this whole, “Santa is real” nonsense, and I hope Tenay cries himself to sleep at night when he thinks of the shit he has to say on a daily basis, and the same goes for West, although I fear he honestly doesnâ€™t notice the inane comments coming out through his bellow. Apparently, Angle has a vendetta against Santa because, no matter how good he’s been, he’s never gotten a gift from Santa. Angle then says that he does actually have a bit of a Christmas wish, in that he’d like Christian Cage to grow a set of balls and face him. However, since that will probably never happen, he’ll try something else…and so, of course, he clotheslines Santa. He tosses Eric Young out of the ring, and locks Santa Claus in the ankle lock. It should be noted that there’s a little girl bawling her eyes out in the crowd.
Then, like a bolt of Canadian Lightning (which I should totally trademark), Christian Cage comes out to save Santa! He tries to hit the Unprettier, but it’s reversed into a belly-to-back suplex, which is reversed as Cage lands on his feet, and he goes for an ankle lock, but Angle slips out. Cage tosses Angle’s shoe at him as the crowd cheers, and the announcers wish us a Merry Christmas and sends us off.
The Inside Pulse
Actually, I found this week to be a lot of fun. There are things that bother me, which I mention, but I kind of liked the whole “Christmas-themed matches” show. I could have done without the party and the Santa nonsense, but a match where the ring is filled with weapons wrapped as presents? Christy Hemme swinging a stuffed animal like a weapon, and then being kicked in the head? A ladder match between Kaz and AJ Styles? Sign me up.
Not everything was gold, but Christmas-themed matches once a year is something I’m cool with. Happy holidays, everyone, and let us get some better wrestling programming in the new year.
Oh, and peace in the Middle East. Whichever’s easier.