It has been brought to my attention that a certain writer at a different comic-book news site and a panel of allegedly fictional judges have decided that I am not worthy of their annual award for Feud of the Year.
Oh sure. I know that Rich Johnston CLAIMS that that his judging panel was fictional and that none of these writers actually said what he says they said. But let’s take a look at a list of who was on his panel… John Byrne, Dave Sim, Brian Bendis, Chuck Dixon, Ed Brubaker, Dan Slott, Mark Millar, Mike Miller and Steve Niles.
Without exception, every single one of these writers has a grudge against me. To briefly discuss our respective histories and why every single one of these writers have it out for me…
John Byrne – outspokenly preferred Birthright to Man of Steel.
Dave Sim – refused to acknowledge his claim as the Ubar of Kitchener; also, refused to keep my girlfriend in traditional Gorean fashion.
Brian Michael Bendis – returned his BFF medallion after admitting that I thought Ultimate Spider-Man had become repetitive.
Chuck Dixon – posted his “spec script” for a Nightwing revival where Dick Grayson quits vigilantism to become a Broadway dancer
Ed Brubaker – heaped generous praise on Daredevil while refusing to even read Captain American
Dan Slott – read The Thing in the store and liked it, but never paid for it.
Mark Millar – abandoned my feud with him to devote more time to hating Judd Winick.
Mike Miller – mistook him for Mark Millar at a convention.
Steve Niles – asked him if he had any idea why horror in comics was a dead genre and nobody had written a good vampire story in years.
Honestly, all you need is Scott Kurtz, Ron Zimmerman and every single one of my ex-girlfriends and you’d have the ultimate Matt Morrison Revenge Squad!
Now, I know what some of you are going to say. Starman, IT WAS A FICTIONAL CONTEST FOR A FAKE AWARD. None of those people really said any of that. Well, that’s as may as well be… except that as countless people have written in to tell me, I am not a real writer. Ergo, as I am not real, I am just as fictional as these fictional versions of Mark Millar and company. It follows then, since they are just as fictional as I am, then I am justly entitled to their fictional award, since – not being real – their opinions do not count for anything.
Of course I know the real reason this mob has turned against me. The Brotherhood of Creators is stronger than any feud between creators. And if they were to acknowledge the legitimacy and strength of my feud with Judd Winick, the feud with have to be resolved like all great celebrity feuds. And I would wipe the floor with him.
Ignoring the righteousness of my cause and the whole “my strength is as the strength of ten, because my heart is pure” thing, I have – at least – a good 50 pounds of weight on Judd. I’m well-versed in swordplay and the bow. And I’m a trained fighter, who studied stage combat and fighting technique with Clarence Gilyard; best known as Chuck Norris’ right-hand man on Walker: Texas Ranger.
Simply put, I am a fightin’ Texas liberal and Judd is, by his own admission in Pedro and Me, a weenie Long-Island liberal. It would be slaughter. Athens and Sparta redeux. However, all of this is a moot point as I have no desire to fight Judd Winick in any arena, fictional or not. Violence never solved anything and at the end of the day, he’d still be writing Green Arrow/Black Canary bloody nose or no.
What I do desire, however, is recognition of the legitimacy of the feud. Not for myself, you understand, but for all of the countless brave men and women who have followed my example over the past year. It is they, not me, who have truly made the Judd Winick vs. Matt Morrison feud into the greatest feud of the year. Because wherever men and women have taken Judd Winick to task – be it on the blogs of When Fangirls Attack!or the message boards at DC Comics – I have been there. If Matt Morrison is one who stands up to Judd Winick and says “This is not acceptable”, than these people are just as much Matt Morrison as I am and are just as worth of recognition.
So Rich Johnston – as one fictional writer to another – I ask you to consult with your fictional team of judges and reconsider. Not for my sake nor your own. Not to avoid the angry barrage of e-mails with the subject header “I Am Matt Morrison” which are sure to follow this column. Not even to cause Joe Quesada to have yet another heart-attack when he sees my name in print on CBR.com. I ask you to do it for all the men and women out there who have a little bit of Matt Morrison inside of them.
LIEING IN THE GUTTERS is a satire by Matt Morrison, published on Inside Pulse, Comics Nexus and LiveJournal and is not intended maliciously. LIEING IN THE GUTTERS has invented all names and situations in its stories, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental, or used as a fictional depiction or personality parody (permitted under Hustler Magazine v. Fallwell, 485 US 46, 108 S.Ct 876, 99 L.Ed.2d 41 (1988)). ComicBookResources makes no representation as to the truth or accuracy of the preceding information. This whole column was one big joke and we have nothing but the deepest respect for Rich Johnston, his fictional team of writer/judges and we don’t want you to write him except in so far as to give him a big laugh over this whole thing. And if any of you repost or link to this column anywhere else as if it were serious, demanding that I be fired, my editors and I will laugh at you like the mouth-breathing rube that you are.