I was having a conversation with a friend of mine back in August of 2007. We were trying to figure out why, with all the reality television on the air these days, they hadn’t yet remade American Gladiators. It seemed like something that would almost fit today’s television world better than when it originally aired. Imagine my surprise and elation. Imagine my further elation when I discovered Hulk Hogan would be the host. One of my favorite shows hosted by one of my favorite humans? Who can ask for anything more?
I patiently awaited the premiere. I set my DVR three days in advance to be sure I’d have it on tape. I patiently waited for the girl to go to sleep so I could watch my two hours of uninterrupted bliss. The verdict?
Meh.
Pros
– Hulk Hogan is a great host. He tries his best to make these pointless interviews interesting, brother.
– The arena is much cooler? I’m trying.
Cons
– Joust: Can we pick a camera angle and stick with it? Just because you have four cameras on the action doesn’t mean you have to switch between them every other second. It’s impossible to track what’s going on in the actual Joust because of this seizure-inducing need to switch angles constantly. Give me the wide shot until you have a reason not to.
– The Eliminator: A 30-foot cargo net climb means a huge bit of downtime while the contenders deal with it. Also, is this Eliminator 1,000 times harder than previous Eliminators or are people just in crappier shape these days? Not one person really made it through the Eliminator with no problems. It was almost embarrassing how exhausted these people were by the time they got halfway through the course. One woman was stuck on the treadmill portion for 2 minutes (not an exaggeration) while another woman, who could barely function, made up a solid 90-second deficit. Also: why is the handbike so much harder in this version of the show? People used to fly across the handbike in seconds. Now it takes them forever. Did they screen these people to see if they were athletically inclined or did they just take the prettiest people they could find who were kinda-sorta in shape? The people in the original incarnation of Gladiator weren’t winning any beauty contests (even considering 80s styles) but at least they could finish the events without gasping for air.
– Hang Tough: The old Hang Tough was about 15 sets of rings deep… the new one is six. Why? Are we trying to push the action, brother?
– Assault: Why would you screw with an event that was perfectly fine as it was? Why is one station not a weapon, but instead a giant sand pit where the contender has to find an arrow… to then use in the crossbow at the NEXT STATION? There is not a human alive that watched Assault on the old Gladiator show and said “You know what this needs? A litter box.” Every person who ever watched Gladiator had the same reaction to Assault: “This is awesome and I NEED TO TRY THIS.” Of course you’d take that event and tweak it. I mean, if it ain’t broke, fix it until it is… that’s what I always say.
– Manufactured drama. You know what’s silly? 150-lb guys trash talking 300-lb monsters. There’s no need for the contenders and Gladiators to snipe at each other. You don’t need to pretend they hate each other. It’s stupid. They don’t hate each other. They have jobs to do.
– Do we really need interviews before and after every event? Do you know how interested I am in hearing the contenders tell me “I just need to persevere and get through this and do my best” more than once? Not at all. Something to remember, guys: normal people are not that interesting. They give crappy interviews. Also: 3 events and then the Eliminator? Why am I watching more interviews with people I don’t care about than the actual events? Why could old Gladiator fit 6 events and the Eliminator in an hour but the new one can only fit three? Exponentially less pointless filler interviews. It’s an edited show, guys, put it together better.
– Frustrating commercial breaks. Sports work well on television because people have been conditioned on when to expect breaks. If I’m watching a baseball game, I know I’m getting commercials during pitching changes and between innings. In football, I know I’m getting commercials on changes of possession. This is called “downtime”. This show has the referee do the “Contender ready? Gladiator ready? 3-2-1” CUT TO COMMERCIAL. Are you serious? Why would you do this? It’s akin to showing a pitcher’s warm-up throws and then cutting to commercial just as he’s throwing the first pitch of the inning. Why would you take a commercial break specifically where you know it’s going to make people angry? You’re not writing a scripted television show with cliffhangers and acts. You’ve created a SPORTS program. People know when to expect breaks during sports programs. When you get cute and put the break somewhere awkward, you take the person out of the game and force them to scratch their head. You have a television program where you have structured events. People EXPECT you to take commercial breaks after the event. Instead, you have an event, followed by a pointless filler post-event interview with the winner (and sometimes the loser), followed by the introduction to the next event, followed by a pointless filler pre-event interview with the contender, followed by the referee giving instruction, introduction, “3-2-1”, FADE TO BLACK, and then the Gecko is telling me about car insurance. WHO PUT THIS SHOW TOGETHER???? Every time they go to commercial, I get angry.
The Verdict
I’d like to thank Hollywood for destroying yet another piece of my childhood. The worst part of it is that this isn’t me fondly remembering a show that I haven’t seen in 15 years better than it was. This is me actually being able to watch the old show on ESPN Classic and seeing that it’s held up. Then, I flip to this new version, and in the same hour they can only manage half the events with enough pointless filler to nearly render the show unwatchable. I want to know what executive watched the old Gladiator shows and said, “You know what this show needs? An interview with each contender before and after each event, Gladiators trash-talking, a kitty-litter box in Assault, and lots and lots of water. Then it would just be perfect.” I want to know who he is so I can strap him in a chair and force him to watch the old show and tell me why it doesn’t work. They must believe people have been so conditioned to expect “confessionals” that they wouldn’t be able to handle shows without it. I hope these people have a special place in hell reserved for them.
