OF A NEW YEAR!
WE’RE READY TO GET READY FOR THE RUMBLE…
T H E
M O N D A Y
N I G H T
R A B B L E
So two weeks off and I get all sleepy and was half tempted to not even show up. I need a nap, but you know what… you filthy bastiches.. I’m here! WE’RE HERE! We’re ready to kick some Rabble ass!
For those who don’t know what the Rabble is… WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN!? Ok, so we’re fans of wrestling. We’re fans of being jackasses. We combined those like the proverbial peanut butter and baby seal and came up with the idea to sit and mock the show we watch. Thus, the Rabble.
Now the Rabblites:
– JEFFREY – The Bartender & Baby New Year
– BILL – The Artist & Baby Huey
– HERNANDEZ – The Native American & Baby Tatanka
– JENNA – The Security Guard & Baby Boss Man
– MIKE – The Garden State God & Ooh, Baby Baby
Your Host:
– JAMES HATTON – The Web Cartoonst & Baby Raper…
So tonight we are going back to Raw Roulette? Neat. Oh, and on New Years Eve, Trips got beaten by Ric Flair! So he’s out of the Rumble… all because William Regal and the Power of the Frigging Punch! NICE!
In the back though, Regal needs to talk to Mr. McMahon right now.
“Do you know what this is?” – Vince McMahon
“..err.. Raw?” – Me
“The first Raw of 2008.. people are expecting something something innovative and special.” – Vince
“And we got NOTHING..” – Bill
Vince then shows us the Raw Roulette wheel. Regal wants to discuss how he took Trips out of the Rumble. Vince liked that, so he wants Trips injured too. So Trips versus William Regal in a ….. clickity clickity… FIRST BLOOD!
So William leaves the room and Trips attacks him! There we go.
“Remember when we were friends in WCW…” – Hernandez
So the credits and to start us off, it’s Shawn Michaels!
“I can’t gamble!” – Me
So apparently last week, Kennedy beat Shawn clean in the ring! Wow. Now though he has to face in Raw Roulette… KENNEDY!
“A Pokemon Match” – Bill
So Kennedy reaches for the mic, but before he gets a chance to speak Vince has to interrupt him. It’s time to hear our stipulation.. spinny spinny..
NO WHAMMY NO WHAMMY NO WHAMMY STOP!
Strange Bedfellows Match
So Shawn & Kennedy are tagging! Versus whom though?
Oh! That’s a cliffhanger!
COMMERCIAL ONE – 9:09
So they are facing… Haas & Murdoch?! Weird.
Anyway, so Kennedy is in the ring with Haas. gets thrown to the ring and Shawn tags himself in. Kennedy drop toe holds him and Shawn grabs Kennedy! He now goes after Haas! Tosses HIM over the top.
So Haas has crawled underneath.
“Don’t go there that’s where Dink is?!” – Hernandez
Haas comes out and now he’s wearing a mask!? Ha. He sticks out his chest. He’s the Red frigging Blazer. Shawn is trying to figure this out and he gets clotheslined by Murdoch. Ouchies.
So tag now to Murdoch. He throws Shawn to the ropes and a jumping big boot. Tag from Murdoch and in comes Masked Haas. Murdoch hits a hard backbreaker on Shawn only to have Haas drops to his feet and THEN elbows Shawn…
Shawn gets to Kennedy for the tag, but guess what, Kennedy ain’t there. Shawn though gets a shot to pull off the mask.
“And the crowd goes silent!” – Bill
Shawn hits the flying cross, the manhattan drop, the bodyslam, and up to the top he goes for the elbow…
Hits it! Superkick to Murdoch. He starts tuning up the band for Haas, but Kennedy tags himself in. Haas eats a superkick and then Kennedy hits the blackjack on Shawn… to pin Haas.
“Kennedy’s tan is running…” – Hernandez
“Oompa Loompa Doopity Dennedy” – Bill
WINNERS: KENNEDY & MICHAELS
Kennedy crawls over Michaels and begins whispering.
“Isn’t this annoying.. isn’t this really annoying to have me this close.” – Hernandez
“Don’t you dare laugh Shawn.. don’t you daaaaare laugh.” – Bill
COMMERCIAL TWO – 9:18
So now Lillian explains that the next match the opponents must dress as each other?!??! Weird.
So Carlito with a little blonde wig is Carlito dressed up like Hardcore Holly.
“Carlito… best wig of the night..” – Bill
Now Hardcore Holly wearing a big fro and holding an apple.
“Lamest gimmick.. ever..” – Me
“You know what iss not cool… it iss not cool that Holly does not shave his balls… it is a fricking forest in here…” – Me
CARLITO vs. HARDCORE HOLLY
No gimmick to speak of
So Holly takes off his shirt and puts on the stupid wig. Carlito then charges right at him and hits the wig right off his face.
Holly gets tossed to the corners and elbowed down and stomped continually.
“Carlito.. aren’t you glad you stayed?” – Me
“No.. dis is shit.. I mean.. not cool.” – Bill
So Carlito continues to stomp him on down. Throws Holly counter corner. PIcks him up and a back suplex from Carlito and right into a knee into Holly’s back.
Holly fights his way up. Carlito hits the neckbreaker. Chop from Carlito! Hard. Snausages!!! Goes for another and Holly ducks underneath it and gets in his own chops.
He drops Carlito and Santino is climbing up on top of the ropes while Holly eats an apple. Dick, aqui. A spit to his face. An Alabama Slam. Done.
WINNER: BOB HOLLY
“So wait.. does this mean that Carlito won?” – Hernandez
“No.. Sideshow Bob.” – Me
Maria in the back with Vince now. Maria gets to decide what the Diva’s match is going to be. She spins… it lands on submission match…. Vince of course decides that’s not a good idea and shifts it to a lingerie pillow fight.
“I was hoping for first blood” – Jeffrey
“Half of them would have lost.” – Hernandez
“They synch up…” – Me
They discuss Maria’s breasts…
COMMERCIAL THREE – 9:30
So we get a flashback to hype Jeff vs. Randy.
So last week, Matt showed up to talk to Jeff. Jeff wants to win the title and give Matt his first return match.
“Matt! You are here for one reason…” – Hernandez
“To get your ass handed to you?” – Me
“Exactly..” – Hernandez
Todd now talking with Jeff.
In the back Hornswaggle is running around the ring and spinning the hell out of it. So Vince tries to talk but his mic is broken.
“WHUT!?” – Bill
“Shut up..” – Hernandez
“Someone’s getting firrredddd..” – Me
So they cut off the scene and go to talking about the lingerie pillow fight…
“..and a Kiss My Ass… match… du jour..” – Hernandez
COMMERCIAL FOUR – 9:39
So now they are going to explain what we missed. Vince explains that he was never going to let Regal hit him last week. Guess who could win the Royal Rumble this year?????
“If Hornswaggle wins… I will love the Rumble.” – Mike
“Didn’t Rey win before?” – Bill
Lingerie time….
“Watch for the nipple slip!” – Hernandez
LINGERIE
Nuff Said
So we have:
Melina in a red belly dancer jingly outfit.
“I’m transfixed.” – Hernandez
“I’ve yet to look at her face… this is the perfect outfit.” – Me
Jillian Hall.. in purple and fishnets… not bad.
MARIAAA! White, fencenets, mini pantys, and a pearl necklace.
Mickie James in blue and pink, ponytails, and stripey tights.
“She has ponytits…” – Hernandez
“I hate Kenny Dykstra.” – Mike
“Tits.” – Bill
Finally, Ashley in a cute lil bobcut… and a long tail and ripped up fishnets.. and damn.
So all the girls start by bouncing on the bed and all the heels get tossed.
“And Ashley breaks her wrist.” – Mike
So the good girls on the bed and Jillian and Melina pull the sheets from beneath them. Jillian tries to hide underneath a sheet.
“CAN’T COME IN THE FORT!” – Hernandez
“The bed’s hot lava!” – Me
Maria hits someone with a bronco buster. Mickie spanks Melina. Ashley gets flipped ontot he bed by Jillian and Maria chokes the shit out of Jillian.. lovely.
“This has gone well over it’s alotted time, but Vince is just staring.” – Hernandez
“This is the next hour!!!” – Me
“Get me Jergins… NOW!” – Hernandez
So Mickie and Maria throw Jillian to the bed and the girls splay her out as Ashley elbows her to the bed.
“And a broken elbow..” – Hernandez
WINNER: Breasts
COMMERCIAL FIVE – 9:52
In the back… Hornswaggle and Super Crazy are talking.. he’s apparently not ‘THAT’ Crazy. So apparently the bit is that Horny needs to find a tag partner and win a match. If he does, he gets into the Rumble.
First blood match time.
Regaaaaaaaalllll in robes!
“Someone raided the RennFest” – Hernandez
“Weighigng in at 20 stone!” – Me
“He fell off a coat of arms.” – Bill
Huntaaaaaaah Time.
REGAL vs. TRIPLE HAITCH
Bloody Bloody.
Bell rings. Regal goes to go punching, and ends up getting knocked out of the ring. Douchebag. They brawl on the outside and Hunter throws him into the stairs. Down to the mat and Regal already has put on the brass knucks.
Trips slams his head into the table a few times. Hunter now trying to carve Regal’s face up on the top of the stairs.
Trips now goes to throw the stairs at Regal, but he rolls out of the way. Douchebag. Hunter reaches for Regal through the corner post and Regal pulls him against it. Now Regal begins to throw Hunter around to a HUGE ‘Regal Sucks’ chant.
“Hunter has to get over somehow.” – Mike
Back in the ring Regal slams Trips down and unties the turnbuckle. Exposed buckle now. They go punch to punch. Regal hurls him into the exposed buckle…. NO blood!
Regal launches onto Hunter and just punches the hell out of him. Kneedrop to the face. Hunter now gets thrown into the buckle… he reverses it though and Regal gets it! Three or so. Douchebag. Hunter tries for the pedigree.. DROPPED INTO A MONKEYFLIP! Nice. Crowd fiery with the Regal sucks chant.
Regal heads on out and grabs the knucks! He charges and throws the spinebuster! Hunter now tries to bust him open the hard way. Punches punches punches.. GUSHER!
WINNER: TRIPLE H
For a brawl match… that was really good! There is a Regal puddle underneath him, and Trips isn’t beating the shit out of him. Grabs him for the pedigree..
“Aww, blood on his inner thighs..” – Hernandez
“Trips is used to that.” – Me
“I HAVE heard that Pat Patterson is a bleeder.” – Mike
COMMERCIAL SIX – 10:09
So flashback to Jericho & JBL’s past weeks of fighting…
“Tonight, verbal debate?” – Me
Vince spins the wheel!
“Pre-recorded earlier today?” – Hernandez
COMMERCIAL SEVEN – 10:17
In the ring…. Lillian who explains this is a Handicapped match.
“A Dutchess of Queensbury Match!” – Me
Snitsky…. annnnnnnnd
…of course…. JBL!
“His music reminds me of Fieval Goes West” – Jen
JERICHO vs. SNITSKY & JBL
Moo
Snitsky throws Jericho to the ropes. He ducks under his boot. and hits a knee of his own. Charges the ropes and a clothesline drops him.
“Snitsky not even trying.” – Hernandez
“…because.. really.. why?” – Bill
Snitsky now flips him over. Charges for the boot and Jericho ducks so over goes Snitsky. In runs JBL and… POUNCE! Jericho is out of the ring and they go fist to fist… JBL finally grabs the bell and KABONG’s Jericho with it.
The ref goes for the bell..
“BUT YOU CAN’T! THERE’S NO BELL HA HA!” – Hernandez
JBL tosses the ref and continues to choke out Jericho with it… Snapmare with the wire.. tugging Jericho down the aisle…
“Time fer a lynchin!” – Jen
“Bullrope match!” – Me
“Cowbell match?” – Hernandez
“So what happened to Snitsky?” – Mike
“Who?” – Me
At the top of the key JBL continues to choke out Jericho and throws him corner to corner. Now he sets the mic cord to hang Jericho…
“JUst like Big Boss Man!” – Me
So ref’s and officials try and get him away.
“Just wave your hands in front of him and bang pots and pans.. you’ll startle him.” – Bill
Annnnnd….
COMMERCIAL EIGHT – 10:28
The frigging Highlanders are in the ring! And yes, they way 34 Stone!
It’s a Royal Rumble Qualifier…. with Hornswaggle and…. BK Jordan?
“Local jobber?” – Hernandez
“Developmental Contract.” – Me
HIGHLANDERS vs. HORNSWAGGLE & THAT GUY
Yay! Highlanders
Screeching car…… Mick Foley!? The fuck?
“Mick comes in and pushes him right out of the ring..” – Me
So Mick in fact does tell him to leave.
HIGHLANDERS vs. HORNSWAGGLE & MICK FOLEY
Yay! Highlanders & Foley!
Mick in the ring with Robbie. Armdrags him and pin for two. Tag into Hornswaggle who hits a dropkick on Robbie . Tag now to Rory. He gets caught and slams him face first to the mat and goes for the pin, but it’s stopped by Foley.
Rory goes for Horny, but he crawls underneath his legs and tag to Foley who comes in and punches the hell out of Rory with a bang bang!
Boot to Rory’s gut. Knee lift. Robbie then tries to choke Mick on the corner. Long enough for Rory to get in there and beat Mick in the corner. Tag to Robbie and Rory tosses Robbie right into the corner. European uppercuts. Now a tag and Rory goes headfirst into Mick!
Another tag and Mick catches one of em with a boot and hurls Rory out of the ring. Rory goes off the top rope and he’s caught with.. MISTER SOCKO! Robbie gets hit with a Foley DDT! Tag to Horny…. 5 Star Midget Splash.
WINNER: HORNY & FOLEY
“Wait, Mr. Socko was not the legal man.” – Bill
And the cage is coming on down to the ring.
COMMERCIAL NINE – 10:42
JEFF HARDY vs. UMAGA
Steel Cage Match
HEY! Wait, after Umaga & Jeff come on down.. Randy?
“Hey! He shaved his head.” – Bill
Jeff charges Umaga. He gets elbowed down a few times. Jeff on the mat is about to be squashed.. he rolls out and dropkicks Umaga down. Jawbreaker! Umaga in fact gets up and boots Jeff good!
Jeff gets tossed to the corner… Umaga charges and MISSED! Double leg corner plant. Jeff charges the ropes, Umaga goes for the back body drop and Jeff grabs the cage! Nice! He’s going up, but Umaga grabs a leg annnnd.. down he goes. With a thwack.
COMMERCIAL TEN – 10:52
So we’re back and it’s a nerve pinch. Can’t win with that… but you can waste precious television time.
So Umaga throws Jeff into the ropes.. and another back body drop.. and this time Jeff EATS the cage.
Umaga squashes him between ropes and wall. Umaga goes for a pin. Two.
Randy starts hurling chairs into the ring for Umaga. So Umaga’s got a chair. Swing….. annd….. EL KABONG right in Jeff’s back.
“Lodged in his spine.” – Hernandez
Umaga goes to start climbing. He’s hanging onto the top and Jeff charges up.. hits the cage and balls to the rope! Jeff sets up the chair and a flying leg right into the samoan! Jeff now waiting for Umaga to get up. Goes for the Twist – but Umaga catches him in the throat with the evil thumb of death!
Sets Jeff in the corner. Sets up the charge. Jeff moves! Flying cross to Umaga a few times. Spinning kick. He grabs a chair and just HURLS it at Umaga! Ouchie! He then DDT’s Umaga RIGHT into another chair. Owwie Owwie!
Pin for two! So Jeff heads for the door.. and Randy stops that one and gets Hardy’s arm right in the way.. Umaga crawls over for the pin and only gets two!
Umaga now bringing Jeff up for the thumb. Spins out and hits the Twist of Fate! So now Jeff’s gotta climb!
He gets to the top! WHISPER IN THE FRIGGING WIND!
D – E – D.
WINNER: JEFF HARDY
As Randy watches on stunned. Jeff standing on the toppity top of the cage watching down at Randy.. nice shot.
“It was alright. ACK ACK” – Mike
“It was a pretty solid show. ACK ACK” – Bill
“Good show for the first of the year.” – Hernandez
“Eh.” – Jen
“Ack. Ackack.” – Jeffrey
“It was alright.”
“I’ve had better.” – The Two New Guys.
And what do I say? I say I enjoyed it completely.
