THE RUMBLE.
THIS WEEK..
QUALIFIERS!
T H E
M O N D A Y
N I G H T
R A B B L E
Welcome all to the Rabble. The show that discusses wrestling. How? By watching wrestling and making fun of it. We have no fourth wall. We destroy the fourth wall. That’s us… the fourth wall DESTROYERS!
Let’s introduce the destroyers:
JEFFREY – Cloverfield!
HERNANDEZ – Galactus!
JENNA – Unicron!
MIKE – Gojira!
KYLE – Gamara!
BILL – Vigo The Carpathian!
DANI – Gozer The Gozarian! (or Chinchilla…)
…And Ego, The Living Planet, Me – James Hatton.
Not to mention the countless spored masses that shall infest the earth from the Inside Pulse Forums.. THE INSYDERS!
Hey, Marin Luther King had a dream.
“The same video they played from last year.” – Mike
Last week, Randy beat on Jeff Hardy. Shocker, really.
New opening.. New set… all of in HD.. just not here. Not bad with all the shining columns and new vid screens. What are the Insyders thoughts?
“I like the new opening and the new set is pretty bad ass!” – Insyder CaptainSpaulding
“Wow. The new set is ass ugly. Almost as bad as Smackdown’s.” – Insyder JackTheRipper
Tonight.. a main event handshake – Randy & Jeff.
“Good game good game.” – Bill
“We’re not even on the same TEAM!” – Me
So we’re starting with Shawn.. in HD!
“Bronzed… in HD!” – Me
“LOOK FOR THE BALD SPOT!” – Insyder GothamAnswer
Here comes K.K.K.ENNEDY! …in HD!
KENNEDY vs. SHAWN
…in HD!
The bell rings. They start wringing arms and Kennedy throws some shoulder blocks and drops Shawn. They go counter rope and Ken wins with an armdrag or two.
He’s got Shawn all locked up, but then an amateur take down from Shawn with a front face lock. Kennedy reverses it into a hammer lock. Ken gets to his feet and a backelbow ends it.
Shawn now to hit some shoulder checks. Ken tries to leap over Shawn, but he never dropped.. so Shawn hits a side headlock takedown for two. Scissor reverse from Kennedy. Backbridge pin from Shawn fpr two. Kennedy backbridges his way back out of it. They roll to their feet and Shawn rolls him down for two.
Kennedy now with the punches and a back elbow from Ken choking Shawn. Puts it right into a headlock and picks up Shawn now with a reverse neckbreakkkk into a backbreaker? Nice. Ken holds him there with quite a bit of trash talk. Shawn fights up, but Ken keeps picking him up and dropping him back down.
He then pushes Shawn down for a pin… and Kennedy RIPS OUT HIS HAIR!??! Ewwww… (in HD)
They fight to the corner, throw some elbows. Shawn tries to chop back, but Kennedy hits a suplex – but it’s reversed and Shawn hits the swinging neckbreaker.
“Ok… where is it? Where’s the nip up?” – Me
They both get to their feet and start the chop off! Ken throws Shawn to the ropes and hits the shoulder block. NIP UP!
“There we go!” – Me
Atomic drops from Shawn. Punches Ken down a few times. Bodyslam. Heads to the top. Hits the elbow! Time for the Jesus Kick!
J E S U — Kennedy bails! Shawn though decides to hit the plancha annd we’re going to commercial!
COMMERCIAL ONE – 9:12
(Jamie is not at the computer at the moment so he won’t be telling you all about the wrestling that is going on at the moment. It’s mostly Kennedy and Shawn hitting each other. Kennedy tried to pin Michaels, but it didn’t work)
Chopping. …in HD!
“Notice how they haven’t shown JR’s face yet?” – Mike
Kennedy goes for a russian leg sweep and Shawn tries to fight it out, but ends up getting tossed into the corner. Kennedy’s busted somehow now.
Sets Shawn up on the top. Ken fights for the superplex. Shawn ends up dropping him. He goes for the elbow! Ken raises up his knees!! OUCHIE!
Ken hits the Kennedy-Roll! ONLY TWO!
He geos to try and grab Shawn – SUPERKI – HE ROLLS!
Shawn goes for the sharpshooter – Ken kicks it out!
Stands up – SUPERKICK… Done!
WINNER: SHAWN MICHAELS… in HD!
Randy’s going to lounge in the back… and he seems to be talking to someone about shaking Jeff’s hands.
Vince, whom he’s talking to, says ‘yes’.
“I should be in a wheelchair right now..” – Randy
“Why aren’t you?” – Me
“Because they used that money to pay for HD.” – Mike
Vince says that he has to shake hands with lots of people he doesn’t like.
“I shake hands with Linda every night…” – Mike
He has to use hand sanitizer all the time.
“I BATHE IN PURELL!” – Me
Vince then tries to tell Randy that he doesn’t like or agree with everyone who he shakes hands with. It’s important for him to do so.
“It will help us waste 15 minutes of tv time!” – Me
COMMERCIAL TWO – 9:24
Here comes Beth Phoenix!
“In HD, you can see her penis!” – Mike
“mmmmmm Glamazon in HD” – Insyder The Bald Guy
Now it’s Mickie-Time!
“Oh SHIT.. Mickie in HD?!” – Insyder GothamAnswer
“Good God I just unloaded in HD!” – Insyder CaptainSpaulding
BETH PHOENIX vs. MICKIE JAMES!
Breasts in HD!
Mickie and Beth going through some basic hammerlocks.
Beth ends up pushing Mickie down for the bridge – then leaps and knees Mickie in the gut.
Gets two and picks Mickie up and Mickie leaps off her shoulders! Gets thrown to the ropes and thesz presses Beth! Dropkick sends Beth to the corner. Beth reverses it with Mickie sitting on top. Expected Rana – but Beth threw her off to the apron. Then knees her to the outside.
She follows outside and Beth rams her against the apron. “Mickie rammed on the other side for once.” – Me
Back in the ring, chinlock from Beth. Picks her up, but Mickie rolls out of it for two. Mickie and Beth go punch to punch, and Mickie hits a flying crossbody. Throwing a neckbreaker for two. She yells for.. err.. the twist of fate? Anyway, gets caught on the top rope. Beth grabs her and fisherman suplex for the win.
WINNER: BETH PHOENIX!
In the back – Trips getting an interview with Todd.
“Triple H… D.” – Dani
“OH GOD A GIANT HALF A SANDWICH…oh God wait, it’s just Triple H’s nose in HD. I’m ok!” – Insyder CaptainSpaulding
So Vince wants Hunter to win his qualifier. Hunter acknowledges that tonight is in HD. He makes an ‘old Mr. McMahon joke’. He then also explains that winning the Royal Rumble means he will go and win Wrestlemania.
“His shirt should not be in HD…. ever.” – Dani
So in the end, they zoom in deep on Hunter’s face. I’m not sure whether this is supposed to be some sort of political statement or a sample how how deep H’s pores will be in HD… but it went on way too long.
COMMERCIAL THREE – 9:31
In the back Spanky and LilDusty discuss how they are going to be in the RUmble and they are looking forward to it.
Holly wants Cody to watch his back.
They go on a horrible internet joke.
We skip it.
In the back Finley and Horny
COMMERCIAL FOUR – 9:45
We’re back – and the Highlanders are facing Horny & Finley already in progress!
HIGHLANDERS vs. IRISHLANDERS
In HD that is held down by the English…
“We need a jobber tag-team…what’s that team we spent a lot of time and money on for those vignettes?? Ahhh yes the Highlanders!” – Insyder CaptainSpaulding
Rory in the ring with Horny, but Horns biting on his hands – he crawls under his legs and Finley with the big clothesline! He hits a side suplex – tag to Horny – Splash – Pin – Win.
“Glad the Highlanders stuck around for that..” – Hernandez
In the back – Jericho is going to the ring.
“Bon Jovi looks hot in HD.” – Mike
COMMERCIAL FIVE – 9:53
We get a flash of the last few weeks of JBL and Jericho’s fighting.. including the lynching.
BREAK THE WALLS DOWWWWWN!
“That looks good.. too bad it’s for Jericho.” – Hernandez
“Jericho looks nowhere near as sexy as Mickie did in pinstripes.” – Insyder CaptainSpaulding
“So how much do you think that new entranceway cost them?” – Mike
“Three luchadores… Juvi’s pissed.” – Hernandez
Jericho didn’t come out here to call out JBL. JBL actively isn’t in the building.
He calls JBL a coward for cracking about his kids. Apparently Jericho’s kid asked if he was a coward. It put a chink in his kid’s armor.
“That’s racist!” – Me
Jericho says that JBL made a mistake for not finishing what he started.
“Is he saying JBL should have killed him.” – Jeffrey
“I believe so…” – Me
At 10:05 – Hernandez has declared that if this goes on two minutes longer.. he will leave, as this is too much.
He stops talking at… 10:06.
Damn.
In the back – Jeff stares…
“He’s just watching Teletubbies..” – Me
Vince then yells at Jeff for risking his life last week. Then Vince explains how important that handshake that is.
He then does the Hardy symbol in Vince’s face.
“SMELL MY FINGERS!” – Hernandez
COMMERCIAL SIX – 10:07
Triple H facing a shadowed version of Chris Jericho.
Now it’s time for the Royal Rumble qualifying match.
SPANKY!
“He facing London?” – Me
Hey it’s Regal on the window. He explains to Spanky that he is going to have to face and defeat an opponent that has already qualified for the Rumble… Umaga.
“Not London – unless London ate three buffets.” – Me
SPANKY vs. UMAGA
In Fat… HD!
Spanky charges and gets shoulderchecked down.
Umaga grabs him and chops him down.
“London should run down and punch him in the face.” – Mike
Umaga charges Spanky in the corner. Spanky moves and goes with snapkicks all around. One punch drops Spanky. Gets set up in the trea of whoa. Umaga goes for his flying headbutt and is denied as Spanky sits up and heads to the top.
Flying dropkick. Crossbody. High snapkick and then an enzuigiri.. Hits the ropes – leaps onto Umaga – leaps around him and eats a samoan drop… OOF!
Umaga now picks up Spanky – Thumb Poke of Death.
WINNER: UMAGA
In the back – Mickie is crying. Maria comforts her. Mickie is upset. Ashley shows up… there is a lot of see through stuff. See through breasts and shoulders and… good christ.
“Are you crying? There’s no crying in wrestling!” – Insyder GothamAnswer
Ashley wants to talk to Maria about Playboy. Santino interrupts with comic hilarity.
COMMERCIAL SEVEN – 10:18
In the back… Hunter gets ready.
They then call Jeff Hardy – The Legend Thriller…
“It’s better than what they wanted to call him… The Legend Filler..” – Hernandez
They then give us a neat video package. I only say that because they used Lostprofits Rooftops – and I’m a fan.
COMMERCIAL EIGHT – 10:26
Here comes Santino and Carlito! Maria’s there too! In HD!
CARLITO vs. BOB HOLLY
Maria… in HD
Lock up and side headlock from Bob Holly. Carlito throws him to the ropes, and Bob hits a shouldercheck. They fight for armdrags – and Bob grabs Carlito and a takedown for two.
Chops from Bob – throws Carlito to the corner. Bob tries to follow and a boot to the face from Carlito to stop that.
Carlito now in the lead, chinlock from Carlito. Bob fights out of it. Brings Carlito to the corner and continues to punch it out. Bob hits a suplex for two.
Carlito tries to roll out and Bob doesn’t let him so he cheapshots him on the apron. Carlito comes back in and stomps him down and sends a knee into his back. Bob fights back and throws Carlito to the ropes. Back body drop!
Bob goes for the alabama slam! Santino gets on the apron – Cody takes him down, but Bob got distracted long enough to eat a backstabber. The end.
WINNER: CARLITO
Hunter is on his way…
“As long as they don’t have him facing Khali, I’m fine with this.” – Mike
“So who is he facing?”
“London?” – Me
“Yokozuna?” – Jeffrey
COMMERCIAL NINE – 10:39
Royal Rumble Flashback! – 2002
“LOOK THE RETURN!” – Hernandez
“Ech..” – Me
They show him beat Perfect and Angle to win…
It’s time to play the game.
TRIPLE Haitch VS ????
In HaitchD
So who is his opponent?
“Big Show.” – Hernandez
“Good call!” – Me
Regal’s theme! He explains that for Hunter to win the WWE match. He has to face potentially three opponents. Over the top gauntlet match.
“First, Big Boss Man, Test, Ken Shamrock!” – Hernandez
“…the Union?” – Mike
First – Snitsky.
Hunter punches Snitsky. Snitsky goes for a clothesline, but eats a high knee instead.
Hunter tries to push Snitsky over the top, but is denied. He runs at him only to eat a side suplex. Picks Hunter up for a bodyslam – Hunter fights out of it! Snitsky charges for the big boot and gets his nuts caught on the rope.
Trips charges him, but eats an elbow to the face. Nice spot.. only to get clotheslined.
WINNER: HUNTER
Now… Mark Henry!
Hunter now punches on Mark – goes to throw him to the ropes, ends up getting thrown himself.. hits a kneelift of his own. Mark grabs him and tries to throw him over the top. Denied with punches to the gut.
Henry hits a backbreaker. Mark once again almost gets thrown over the top.
“I would love to see a PPV without Triple H” – Mike
Hunter goes to slam Mark Henry, and down goes Hunter with Mark on top him. Henry squashes him in the corner. He charges Hunter and Hunter of course drops the rope.
WINNER: H.. oh you know..
Finally – Regal holds back someone…. and HE runs to the ring!
NICE! Picks up Hunter and tries to throw him over the top! AWESOME! He’s got him over… but Hunter pulls back and tosses Regal. Yep…
WINNER: …
“At least that wasn’t the main event..” – Hernandez
Right – we still have a handshake to go… whoopdefuck.
“Does this mean we don’t get our traditional pre-Rumble brawl? What a waste of a go-home show!” – Insyder DarkStar
COMMERCIAL TEN – 10:56
Vincey coming on down!
So he explains that at the Rumble we’ll be seeing a title match. He then introduces Randy.
..hey..
Vinnie then goes on to explain that if Jeff wins, he will be the third person to ever hold the World and IC at the same time. Then JR misstates that they were Hunter and Hulk Hogan…
Jeff comes on down.
So Vince wants to know what kind of match WILL this be? Will we see more dives? Will we see more kicks to the head?
First do they want to say anything?
Randy says: “I’m going to be honest with you. Once I found out that you were going to be my opponent at the Rumble…”
“..I started eating cheezeburgers non-stop.” – Me
“…you’ve done some amazing things in the WWE.”
“…like softcore porn.” – Hernandez
Randy then states that Jeff won’t win, but he’s earned Randy’s…
“…love?” – Me
“…taint?” – Hernandez
…Respect.
Jeff doesn’t care about earning his respect. He didn’t do a swanton to impress Randy. He did it to HURT him. He did it for MATT. He did it to be CHAMPION.
“LOUD NOISES!” – Kyle
Jeff then explains there are people he respects like a lot more than Randy… Randy states ‘LIKE WHO!?’
“Like Lillian’s cousins.. like that woman in the third row eating nachos… like etc etc” – Me
Jeff then goes on into the crowd and states names of people in the crowd. I called it.
So he gets to the ring. Randy throws out his hand. This is all distracted by a dude in a banana suit!
“PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME!” – Kyle
Jeff then gives him the Twist of Fate. The end.
What did we think?
“Nothing special. Opening was good” – Sam
“I love HD. Even though we didn’t watch it in HD.” – Mike
“Hurray” – Kyle
“It was alright.” – Bill
“Two thumbs up. Fine for the whole family.” – Mouse
“I’m right. HD stands for hopelessly desperate” – Hernandez
“Too many close-ups. I don’t care about HD.” – Jeffrey
I concur. G’nite.
