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Tim, I just want you to know that when Mephisto promised to restore my goldfish to full health in exchange for erasing from history our time together on the column, I turned him down. That’s how dedicated I am to never answering another question about the whereabouts of the New Bloods…and our amazing legacy and chemistry.

Wow…what a powerful declaration of our deep, strong, proud partnership.

As for your goldfish…well, I think we all know how I feel about that meddler. Time to get yourself a pet you can, you know, pet.

Links!

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Tailgate Crashers

Our DC Forum is abuzz over rumors of Roundtables, replacing Dan Didio and the most unbeatable team ever!

Us?

Tim, are you linking anything this week?

Nah…I’m just so excited about being back on the boards, I’m doubly recommending you head over there.

What I Read Last Week

Green Arrow & Black Canary – Great cover. Great emotion. Great use of Superman. I liked the issue. And I’m sure that Connor will get better. Maybe.

Oddly enough, I kind of wish Connor did die. I love the guy, but this brain dead thing is just…it’s weak sauce frankly. By not killing him, we are instead left with this weird limbo for the character and, more importantly, me being forced to read post after post questioning why they didn’t just use one of Wonder Woman’s healing purple rays or Zatanna’s magic or…whatever else. I don’t need that aggravation.

But otherwise, I liked the issue. You just cannot beat Chiang on art. It literally cannot be done. And I mean literally in the correct sense of the word.

Checkmate #22 – I loved the new introductions. I actually dig Jo’s character and her legacy. Kudos to Rucka and Trautmann for making me care.

I’m excited about the new White team members as well. I don’t know them (except Rocket Red) but I’m interested in their ready made conflict.

The Programme #7 – Thinks look pretty dark considering there’s still five issues left. And yes, slot players in Vegas are exactly like that.

Yeah, sorry about your town there Mathan, but at least it was in service to a good story, right?

American Virgin #22 – Really? This book is ending and we get a pregnancy? That’s just dirty. And what did the cover have to do with the issue?

Least representative cover ever. Ever!

100 Bullets #87 – A new player enters the fold and I’m left scratching me head and trying to block out an hour of time to dissect the issue. I love this book.

Countdown #15 – I wouldn’t even donate this title to a library.

Snap!

Fallen Angel #23 – Interesting. This is better than last issue, but I just don’t know if Peter and I can work things out.

Fell #9 – Look how revolutionary All-Star Batman & Robin the Boy Wonder, now every book takes the majority of the year off. Though this was actually worth the wait, two issues in 2007 was far too few.

I concur on all matters.

Booster Gold #6 – Yeah, yeah, yeah, Ted’s back. But the most important part of this issue; Rip Hunter – C@ckblock Extraordinaire.

I would buy that comic. In fact, I suggest that Rip Hunter,C@ckblock Extraordinaire and Citizen Wang aka Rod Johnson, The Package Master team up in Brave and Bold post-haste before spinning off into their own ongoing series. Think of the drama!

Justice League of America #17 – I’d just come to terms with Dr. Polaris being gone and here he is trying to get back into my life. Why can’t I heal?

I think it is time to accept that our relationship with DC isn’t healthy. We have created a very invalidating environment.

The Flash #236 – This issue’s theme of family values was so strong that it’s actually the GOP’s current front runner.

Well, with no more Fred Thompson in the race, where are Republicans supposed to turn?

Neil isn’t afraid to tap his glasses or rock a pocket protector

Recently, as seen in Action Comics we’re back to a nerdy, clumsy Clark Kent. Marvel also seems to have gone back to the “depends on Aunt May, can’t hold a job outside the Daily Bugle, lovable loser Peter Parker.” When these portrayals were first shown, I believe the idea was that the reader could see someone they identify with and be able to fantasize about having a life like Clark or Peter, but also their powers as well. Does this work in a modern context? I keep thinking of Hal Jordan. If anything, I’m probably more of a Barry Allen, but Hal is my favorite comic character. I am not a test pilot, I am not without fear, I’m more like Hal’s brother. But our differences have not stopped me from liking Hal. And I think part of what I don’t like about Peter or Clark (or even Barry) is that I can identify with them, so they’re not that interesting. Do we really want to read about some socially inept alter-ego?

Image Hosting Image HostingVery interesting question. You’ve really touched upon quite a few things here.

It’s pretty much established that your assessment of Peter Parker is right on. Peter Parker was designed for the audience to relate to him. Peter Parker is supposed to be the “everyman.” Since Clark was created in the Golden Age, I’m guessing that the idea of Superman having to contain himself in his mild mannered alter ego just seemed like a good idea for dramatic purposes. And when you add in the love triangle between Supes, Lois and Clark it just makes good sense.

As for the resurgence of the nerdy Clark you’ve got credit Christopher Reeve for that one. He completely pulled it off in the movies and made it so believable. Sure, somewhere in my mind I think it’s silly that people can’t tell Clark is Superman. But Christopher Reeve sold that notion completely. And it’s his work that’s influenced the run on Action.

The nerdy Clark is pretty much iconic, it’s the reason why he’s depicted that way in All-Star Superman.

While there’s certainly a market for people who relate to the social outcast (see: emo) I’m apt to agree with you about it not being a necessary characteristic for the secret identity. Virgil “Static” Hawkins wasn’t “Bruce Wayne” but he was really “Peter Parker” either. He was just a typical teenage guy dealing with typical teenage stuff, while fighting villains with his super powers. The same thing with Jamie “Blue Beetle” Reyes, to a lesser extent.

And part of the socially ineptitude actually stems from the alter ego. Clark Kent has to be nerdy to rule himself out as a suspect and he ends up looking flaky because he’s off saving the world. Peter Parker flakes out because he’s poor at juggling both aspects of his life. Barry Allen is always in the doghouse with Iris because not even the Flash is fast enough to meet the demands of Central City and a girlfriend.

But the whole notion of “secret identity” has undergone a pretty drastic make over in the past 40 years. I don’t think that anyone would argue that having a conversation with Bruce Wayne would be different than having one with Batman. The same with Clark Kent and Peter Parker, but how many other characters can you say that about? The line between hero and secret identity has gotten so blurry that it’s barely even there. The only thing separating Dick Grayson from Nightwing is a change of clothes. The same thing can be said of Virgil or Jamie.

Secret identities are kind of like television theme songs; they used to well-developed works of art in their own way that could stand on their own, but now they’re largely perfunctory, unoriginal if they’re even there at all. Off of the top of my head the last one that I really recall was what Tom Peyer tried to do with Hourman.

As much as I love Blue Beetle, in my opinion it’s lacking the “regular Jamie” aspect. Not that I can blame John Rogers for the lack of it, he’s doing his best to keep the book a vital read in shaky market. I love Jamie the rookie hero, I’d just also enjoy Jamie the teenage dude who has to do homework.

And I’m not quite sure that your example of Hal Jordan works because his personality is pretty much a necessary requirement of his hero gig. The GL ring would have passed Peter Parker or a real Clark Kent over even if they were the last life form in the sector. Now, I love Hal just as much as you do, but really what stress does Hal Jordan have? His boss and girlfriend know the deal. He doesn’t have to explain why he’s leaving or where he’s been. Hal Jordan has the easiest ride of a secret identity ever.

Myself, I don’t really have a problem with socially inept secret identities. I like the fact that Peter Parker found release through Spider-Man. I enjoy seeing characters burst out of their shells. It’s the reason I enjoyed American Beauty and Breaking Bad.

Tim, where do you stand on the topic of secret identities?

I think you made a lot of outstanding points, Mathan, particularly in reference to how the secret ID has fallen by the wayside in a lot of ways. The sort of b-roll story involving the hero’s life outside the mask doesn’t generally happen anymore and I think that’s a bit of a shame. I like the stories, every now and then, where Bruce Wayne never puts on the cop and cowl or Clark Kent just chases down a story all issue. Obviously, I don’t want that week in week out, but there is something to be said for the alter ego focused stories that give the costumed identities a break and deliver further insight into the character.

Glen isn’t above a little grave robbing

What is your reaction to the rescue of Ted Kord?

Eh, it was cool I guess. But I think it kind of undermined his final adventure and his finest hour. While I have no doubt that Ted will sacrifice his life for the greater good in a future issue of Booster Gold I’m curious if it will top his adventure in Countdown to Infinite Crisis. Can Johns match that emotional poignancy?

Geoff Johns is the guy who orchestrated Hal Jordan’s return and made use of Barry Allen during his run on The Flash, so clearly Tim’s Best Friend has no respect for the dead. I’m not trying to attack his character or anything, but let’s just say that the security system around my goldfish’s grave would shame Bruce Wayne.

Personally I’d have been happier if Ted were rocking his reverse costume like he did in the last Superbuddies tale. I mean that was a sharp look for him.

The rescue does have me greatly intrigued about the mystery Beetle. He seems sinister, like he could tumble into malevolent at any moment.

I guess I’m just kind of not all that impressed by Blue & Gold. Maybe it’s because the concept is almost 20 years past its “use by” date. Maybe it’s because Maguire’s not doing the art for it. But hoping to rekindle that magic with none of the creators who lit that flame just doesn’t work for me. And Jurgens drawing them just reminds me of that era of the JLA when Doomsday first hit and thrashed them all. That’s not fun.

Ted’s got three letters in his name too Tim, how do you feel about his return?

I’m waiting to see where things go, but, and I’ll be honest here, I was never that into Blue Beetle. I liked Ted Kord’s random appearances in Birds of Prey and Robin (once or twice) but as a hero, I think I barely read him, if at all. So, I don’t have a huge commitment to the character that others might.

Thus, my big impression of him is from Countdown to Infinite Crisis and I came to appreciate him because of that. However, if that’s erased, do I care about him as much? I’m not so sure.

On the other hand, I’ve enjoyed the Booster Gold series and I generally didn’t care one lick for the guy before this, so we’ll see. But, right now, I am looking forward to the heartbreaking moment where Ted realizes he has to die in that moment for everything to be right again.

UnGajje seems so familiar

In Checkmate, the White side has three new recruits. We all know Rocket Red, but what’s the deal with the other 2 (the Queen and Bishop)

I actually read this question before I read the issue in question, so I was kind of anxious to find out for myself. I was pleasantly surprised to see who the new recruits were.

First off is the White Queen’s Bishop he’s none other than the Bad Samaritan. The Bad Samaritan was a foe of the Outsiders shortly after the broke free from Batman. His first appearance was in The Outsiders #3. He was a freelance spy during the Cold War and at some point or another worked with every major government in the world, but he’s so shady that most would deny ever having done business with him. And since it was the Cold War he was very much in demand.

Since he’s was a spy it was par for the course that he be excellent at hand to hand combat. He also had no problem killing someone who was interfering with an operation. Oh and he’s a master of disguise, though his sensitivity to light seemed to be his Achilles heel.

As for the White Queen herself, Valentina Vostok was a Soviet Air Force pilot who decided one day to defect to the United States (obviously this was way before 9/11 and Lou Dobbs put a stranglehold on entering country.) Fortunately she got a hold of a plane. Unfortunately she crashed. Fortunately she survived. Unfortunately she landed on the island where the Doom Patrol had met their doom. Fortunately the island was safe. Unfortunately the negative energy being that had possessed Larry Trainor jumped into her body. Fortunately she could deal with it. Unfortunately she needed to be wrapped up in the chemically treated bandages just like he did.

Thus she became Negative Woman and joined Robotman, Tempest in the sham Doom Patrol founded by insaniac Celsius who claimed to be The Chief’s widow. She stuck with the team for awhile, until the negative energy went back to Larry Trainor who had actually survived the original Doom Patrol’s demise.

Vostok bounced around American government groups like the Agency and even Checkmate prior to Max Lord taking over. But now she’s back and the book still rocks.

You know that I miss most about the Cold War? The concept of defecting. But the thing about the Cold War that I miss the next to most is Yakov Smirnoff. He was like the original Borat. Only much more family friendly. Those two should fight to the death over the gimmick. That or they should star in a sitcom about Yakov and his nephew Borat living in New York. And then the show could jump the shark by adding Balki which makes no sense but would make the show 30% better.

Damn the WGA strike for preventing me from writing the greatest sitcom pilot ever! And damn me for swearing allegiance to a guild that I’m not a member of, yet.

Wait, Tim did I even finish answering the question?

Possibly?

Coren probes for weaknesses

Ok Mathan, in Birds of Prey 100, Oracle sends out notes to at least 14 women who we see on page. I think I know them all (Dr. Light, Skyrocket, Janissary, Firehawk, Jessie Quick Grace, Arcata, Madame Xanadu, Hawkgirl, Bumblebee, Wonder Woman, Rose/Thorn, Phantom Lady, and Power Girl). There’s also obviously other people who weren’t pictured, 7(like Judomaster, Manhunter and Barda). Who else do you think would make a good fit for the Birds right now? Who else might Barbara have asked?

Obviously Power Boy and Guy Gardner because it would have been completely inappropriate.

Starfire and Tarantula just so that you could have an issue where Nightwing shows up and it’s 22 pages of an awkward silence.

Is it wrong that I love the idea of that?

Onyx and Empress because it’s a shame that these characters are being wasted.

I think that Hawk and/or Dove would make an interesting addition to the squad. Plus they’re actually birds.

Well, not actual birds. Just named for actual birds.

Traci 13, I’m sure would be a hoot. I also think that Ravager should get shipped to the Birds because her abrasive personality would add to the mix.

But since I don’t read the book, I’ll turn it over to Tim to provide some much better answers.

Well, the obvious answer is Wicker Sue. Unfortunately, no one controls Wicker Sue and she’ll play for her own side, thank you very much.

Barbara might’ve also given Looker a ring, but gently let Looker go when it turned out that she was a vampire in a really hideous costume.

Spoiler’s phone rang, but Didio intercepted it and did not pass the message along. (Because, in case you haven’t heard, Didio hates Spoiler. And so many other characters. So many.)

But the only lady Barbara really needs for her team is the one, the only…

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CYCLONE!

Deal with her excellence, people. DEAL!

Jag must be crazy because he just had an unkind word to say about Lynda Carter

Wonder Woman. As one of DC’s big three, she’s an obvious icon but growing up, I always thought she was cheesy and lame (maybe it was the TV show). However, I read the Trinity mini-series as well as all the big stuff that’s happened in the past couple of years and she’s really gotten more iconic and is THE female character in comics.

However, watching the For The Man Who Has Everything episode of the Justice League cartoon and watching Batman and Superman have the Black Mercy plant on them and seeing them live their happiest fantasies made me wonder about WW and how she really doesn’t have anything notable in her publication history as powerful as that Alan Moore story was.

A colleague of yours at InsidePulse (sorry, can’t recall the author) recently wrote an article where he went through a bunch of characters and listed their best stories, such as Batman: Year One and A World Without A Superman, etc and WW really doesn’t have anything. I mean, here’s a character that is beloved all over the world (especially by little girls who look to her how we looked up to Superman back in the day) but she is probably one of the dullest heroes there is. And I don’t think it’s right.

If you look at how WW is portrayed, I see about two distinct ways: 1) A fierce and proud warrior as in Trinity or Kingdom Come or in any of Frank Miller’s portrayals of her (which I LOATHE) and 2) An almost motherly hanger-on who seems a bit too, well…nice. Her ongoing title is dreadful and I think if any character needs a dramatic character overhaul, it would be WW. The thing is, how do you do this? A Year One? A complete change of perspective for the character? A new, less revealing outfit? How do we save Wonder Woman guys?!

I’m pretty sure that the article you were referencing was Jeff Ritter’s Welcome to My Nightmare

I really wish that I knew the answer to the question of “how to save Wonder Woman.” I really don’t. If I were DC I’d actively be taking pitches from whatever “name” talent wanted to pitch me a story for her, because she needs something. She needs that iconic story.

But that’s the thing about Wonder Woman, she maybe an icon, but there’s hardly anything iconic about her. She doesn’t really have any mythos or any rogues. “For The Man Who Has Everything” works because we see how pivotal aspects of the origins of Superman and Batman never occurred. Well a) Wonder Woman’s origin isn’t that well known and b) doesn’t feature prominent loss of life.

Superman is a stranger in a strange world with powers beyond the normal man. Batman an orphan trying to avenge his parents’ death. Wonder Woman, um, is from an island full of women and has a magic lasso and an invisible jet. She doesn’t even have a secret identity.

For me the most iconic tales from Batman and Superman are their origins. Batman: Year One and Man of Steel distill the character to their essence and make them new again. We learn about Clark and why he becomes Superman. We learn about Bruce and how he becomes Batman. Wonder Woman lacks an origin and a secret identity, both of which are pretty pivotal aspects of iconography when it comes to comic books.

And what Gail Simone is trying to do in her opening arc on Wonder Woman is tweak her weak origin and play up her new secret identity, both of which are probably happening too late in the game.

You’ve also got to judge a hero’s worth on the strength of their foes. The Joker and Lex Luthor have each starred in their own one-shots and minis. They are well known and respected. Wonder Woman doesn’t have anyone in that league. Could you imagine a Wonder Woman rogue starring in their own miniseries? How about stand alone issues like Geoff Johns did with the Rogues in The Flash? Can anyone even list off four Wondy rogues without scraping the bottom of the barrel?

I completely respect the direction that George Perez went with the mythological angle when he relaunched the post-Crisis Wonder Woman, but in the long run, I think he did a disservice to the character by putting the emphasis on gods instead of villains. He saw that Wonder Woman was lacking depth and gave it to her via ties to mythology and threats that were on her level. But long term those mythological menaces didn’t increase her standing in the DCU, and only made her lack of foes more apparent when the menaces disappeared and she had to fight costumes again.

Don’t get me wrong; I think she’s an important character in the comic landscape and she’s a female role model in a genre that’s lacking them, but she’s practically beyond repair in my eyes.

Think about huge character stories. “The Return of Barry Allen” was really about the triumph of a rogue. “Born Again” is about a hero’s private life being destroyed. Pick a storyline in Starman and it’s going to be a personal tale. Wonder Woman doesn’t really have any family to attack nor a secret identity to reveal. She’s not vulnerable, she’s more invulnerable than Superman in that regard, and the lack of threat to Superman is one of the chief complaints about his character.

If I were starting Wonder Woman all over from the ground up here’s what I’d do:
Diana is made from clay and given life on an island full of women. But one of the other Amazons is like that cool relative who lets you stay up past your bed time, and she takes Diana on a trip to the man’s world. It’s a brief trip, not long enough for anyone to notice they’re gone, but enough for Diana to get an idea of the world outside the island. And these trips continue while Diana’s a teenager. But then Diana’s mom, the queen finds out and banishes the cool aunt from the island.

Did I mention the caste system on the island? Well there are warriors and artists. The cool aunt is an artist. And the cool aunt manages to make correspondence with Diana telling her about her adventures and leaving her birthday gifts on the island in hiding places. But then the aunt stops leaving correspondence and even forgets a birthday. So Diana decides to leave the island and check up on her cool aunt.

Diana gets to the man’s world and is kind of overwhelmed. Yadda, yadda, yadda she finds out her cool aunt was beaten into a vegetative state and the dude who did it was acquitted. So she tracks him down and finds out he’s at a Halloween party. She spruces up traditional Amazon warrior garb with some garish elements, so as not to attract the wrong kind of attention and sets out confront him. She lures him to the roof, there’s a confrontation, he ends up on the ground. It’s not clear if he jumps, she pushes him or there’s some sort of accident. But for Diana, justice is served.

Diana tells her mom about the cool aunt, and her mom’s like “psssh, she made her bed, let her sleep in it.” Diana’s irked and decides to stay in the man’s world, look after her cool aunt (who conveniently kept a journal in a wacky Amazon language that only Diana can read.) So Diana establishes herself as her cool aunt’s niece and makes friends with everyone in the neighborhood.

Including Yakov, his nephew Borat and their roommate Balki.

Tim, you’re good with the ladies; Wonder Woman, what’s her problem and how do you fix it?

There’s nothing that can’t be fixed by pictures of Lynda Carter?

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No? Still here? Not buying it?

I see.

Well…I’ve kind of got nothing. I actually do really like your pitch, Mathan. It is a different sort of origin story that maintains a level of tragedy and is respectful to the basic tenets of the Wonder Woman myth. It’d never be allowed to happen, of course, and we are all the poorer for that.

Dealing with the hand I’m dealt, I concentrate of the inherent drama of the immigrant experience. Wonder Woman is the first American of her “family” and as such is trapped between the expectations of the culture she grew up in and the culture she is trying to integrate herself into.

Actually, as I am writing this, I’m having the same problem…I’m turning back the clock. The fact is, she’s been Stateside too long, I expect, for this kind of story to really work. Arrgh!

Okay, here’s my pitch instead then. Wonder Woman as chief women’s advocate. She takes a page from Circe’s book and decides that, in a decidedly less violent way, she is going to focus her energies on “fixing” the inherent sexisms of this “male” world. She is the Nighthawk (from the current Squadron Supreme) of the DCU. Sure, she’ll prove helpful in other ways along the way, but her focus is on woman issues. No more fighting Ares or Cheetah every issue. Dr. Psycho, maybe, since it fits the dynamic, but otherwise, a whole new set of characters, a new set of villains, a whole new set of rules.

Ugh…that sort of sucks too. I give up…for now.

Kirk has a long flowing mane of luxurious hair.

With Guy Gardner having ditched the bowl cut, who now has the worst haircut in the DCU?

Oh, it clearly belongs to any of the Monitors who appear in Countdown. Let’s put it this way, none of the Monitors have good hair. Almost all of them have that wacky receding, thinning cornrows things going on.

You’d think that in keeping an eye on the entire multiverse they’d have come across the idea that when your hairline is being pushed back and it’s losing it’s density the thing you don’t want to do is attract attention to it by adopting some absurd hairstyle. I mean don’t we all remember Andre Agassi?

It’s like, Monitiors, it’s beyond help, just shave it off. Keep your dignity.

Tim, who do you think has the worst hair in the DCU?

Definitely, definitely, definitely Ravager. Bright white hair on a healthy teenage girl? What genius convinced her to go with that dye job?

And don’t try to tell me that it’s natural, because I’m just not buying that nonsense.

On the male side, I’d have to say Hal. I don’t mean to talk out of school on this or anything, but it’s a rug. And a bad one at that.

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Grit those teeth all you like…you’re still not fooling anyone with that piece, Hal.

Darn, I should have ended the column earlier so we could have gone out on a high note. Oh well, there’s always next week.

Speaking of next week, send me your questions for next week’s column. You can email me (mathan@4sternstaging.com) or you can post your questions directly on our thread, it’s where all the cool kids hang out.

Before I forget here’s my question to you; so, have recent events dampened your excitement for this summer’s The Dark Knight?

“Did I miss out on you?”