And away we go with the second part of the three-part series, as this time we take a look at some of the worst things to happen within the music industry in the past year…
Hurricane Chris
Much like the purveyor of the Worst Album of 2007, who capitalized on a ridiculous dance, Hurricane Chris capitalized on a ridiculous catchphrase, which would go on to be used to faux-players for most of the duration of the year. “A Bay Bay” (pronounced AY-bay-bay), which Chris appropriated after hearing people greeting DJ Hollywood Bay Bay whenever he’s enter a club, has now become something that alpha males like to shout at women that they’ll never get a chance to sleep with.
Sean Kingston
The first time I heard Jamaican singer (and I use that term loosely) Sean Kingston’s “Beautiful Girls” was over the summer when I was working the third shifts with a rather large contingent of co-workers who enjoyed crappy urban radio (which is how I became aware of Soulja Boy and the aforementioned Hurricane Chris as well). I was busy carting shipments from one warehouse to another and the guy with whom I was scheduled kept on talking about how great this song was. However, when I finally did hear it, was almost certain that it was either a commercial for something or a joke track perpetrated by the morning radio show crew.
Nope. This song is meant to be taken seriously, and somehow a whole lot of people did just that. The thing blew up with a vengeance, despite the fact that Kingston really can’t sing. Kingston’s unbearably whiny voice is ever further suckified by the shameless use of digital pitch correction, and when combined with an appalling sample of Ben E. King’s “Stand By Me” is just an absolute fustercluck. I had to look up Ben E. King to see if he was still alive, because if he were dead (he’s not, by the way), he’d be spinning in his grave so much that you’d be able to harness it for use as an alternative source of energy. The song is four minutes of Kingston trying to croon about some girl that left him, leaving him suicidal. But much like many people who are supposedly suicidal, Kingston seems to be using the threat as an attention ploy, when it’d spare us more shitty music if he’d just get over with already.
But wait, it didn’t stop there… Kingston’s follow-up single, “Me Love”, samples Led Zeppelin’s “D’yer Ma’ker,” while other tracks from the his eponymous debut album sampled Bing Crosby and Phil Collins, with the later even participating in the track. It you thought the Bone Thugs version of “Take Me Home” was bad, Kingston’s take on “In the Air Tonight” will make you want to puke. Yes, he’s a deadringer for a young Biggie, but Biggie had more talent under his pinkie toenail than this kid does in his whole body.
Sanjaya Malakar
Nobody’s really sure how it happened, but this marginally talented kid was able to proceed for weeks on American Idol despite several horrible performances and an absolutely appalling hairstyle choice. He had originally auditioned with his incredibly hot sister, Shyamali, and while she was dismissed in the preliminary rounds, he went on to place 7th overall in the competition.
While the always brutal Simon Cowell would deride Sanjaya just about every week until, he was voted off, he somehow made a connection with viewers, garnering shitloads of votes each week despite his horrid performances of songs like “You Really Got Me,” “Bathwater” and “Something to Talk About.” He became a phenomenon, perhaps in the same vein as William Hung, except he was slightly better (at singing) and slightly more attractive (to the show’s mostly teenage fanbase). Slightly. He managed to use his charm as a smoke screen, melting the always horny Paula Abdul like butter during a performance of “Cheek to Cheek,” and earning the praise of guest judge Jennifer Lopez by being the only contestant to sing in Spanish during the Latin week of the competition. Howard Stern had rallied his listeners to vote for Sanjaya in order to squash the credibility of the competition, but ultimately justice was done when he was voted off on April 18, but the damage had no doubt been already done.
50 Cent being a choad
If there’s anyone who can talk a big f*cking game, it’s Mr. Curtis Jackson. Apparently so proud of his subpar 2007 album, Curtis, 50 challenged Kanye West (whose album was also being released on the same day) to a record sell-off, saying that Kanye West was decidedly inferior to him, even offering to quit his solo career if he was outsold. Just a matters of days later, he reneged on the challenge, stating that it was a joke for Kanye to even think that he was in the same league as 50, and making all of us laugh even harder than before.
After he ended up getting his ass handed to him in said competition, and then subsequently coping with it by picking fights with everyone from actor Frank John Hughes to rapper Lil Wayne, 50 Cent ended up not only looking like a joke, but a complete and utter asshat. But 50 would never actually admit defeat, citing some illogical garbage and saying that he’d actually outsold Kanye in Europe and never actually said he had to outsell him in the United States.
But wait, there was more. Perhaps wanting to get his heat back after getting spanked by Kanye in the duo’s record-selling feud, 50 Cent decided to show the world that he’s still number one when it comes to spending ridiculously exorbitant amounts of money on things that should otherwise cost very little. He was booked for two separate events in London in September—the Vodafone Live Music Awards and the MOBO (Music of Black Origin) Awards—and while the six miles between the two locations would cost normal peons like you and me nothing more than the gas money and any applicable tolls, 50 dropped $2 million on transport. Sure, makes sense for a guy who’s been known to put on a great show.
After taking the stage at the Vodafone Live Music Awards at Brompton Hall in Earls Court, he somehow managed to utilize three helicopters, several SUVs and a group of men from former Special Forces units in order to get him to the O2 Arena in North Greenwich (a mere six miles away) for an appearance at the MOBO Awards. Asked by British newspaper The Mirror what all of the pomp and circumstance is for, representatives for 50 Cent told reporters that “[h]e is aware that it’s extravagant but he wants to get there in good time and chill out before his performance. … He’ll do whatever it takes to get to the MOBOs in ample time.”
It was at that p[oint that I declared bullshit, stating that 50 was using this as a bit of a red herring to try and divert attention away from the fact that he looked like an enormous choad after Kanye sold twice as many albums as he did. All of that talk about how “Kanye’s not in the same league as me” and “Kanye is small potatoes” and “I look like an Irish Wolfhound” ended up catching up with him, so that was really his only way at the time of showing that he’s still worthy of mention. And why exactly would you need ex-Special Forces? In case your ego gets so inflated that it actually floats away and requires reconnaissance? This is something that one would expect from The Ad Hoc Award-Demanding Waste of Skin, but you, 50 Cent… this eradicates any sort of street cred or toughness that you had leftover there from five years ago. You are now officially a bitch, and should from this point on be recognized as such.
Kanye West being a choad
But wait, Kanye, you’re not completely off the hook. Yes, you did outsell 50 (in what was later touted as one big publicity stunt, though I’m not buying it) with your far superior and much more original and thought-provoking album, but that doesn’t mean that you have to follow it up with one of your patented bitchfests. Did all of you really think that we had seen the end of Kanye’s tantrums after the MTV Europe Video Music Awards in 2006? Staying true to form, Kanye again threw a shit fit after saying he was “robbed” and “used” during MTV’s 2007 VMAs in September. According to West, he was placed in one of the special “private party” rooms in order to prevent him from performing on the main stage (not at all appreciating that he was one of the top featured artists of the night), and after he failed to land any awards that night, he proclaimed that from that point on, he would be boycotting MTV and all of its programs and events. Looks like we won’t see another tantrum at this year’s MTV Europe Awards…
Emo kids lash out against restauranteur
A restaurant owner in Williamsburg, Va., has received numerous death threats back in May from wiener fans of crappy pop-emo-rock band My Chemical Romance (as well as Muse, about whom I have no real opinion either way), who were angered after the bands had to cancel several shows on their joint tour after contracting salmonella at his restaurant over the weekend of April 27-28.
While it was not immediately known that the Green Leaf Café, owned by Glenn Gormley, had been the culprit in sickening members and crew of My Chemical Romance and crew members of Muse, it was concluded after local health officials released a recent statement. According the statement, several other people, including an entire wedding reception, also fell ill after eating at the restaurant.
According to Gormley, fans of the bands (mostly of My Chemical Romance, I’m sure) sent numerous death threats to him at the restaurant, both over the phone and in the mail. Gormley was forced to up security at the restuarant and at his home in order to protect his family, as he said, “We are trying our best [to deal with the situation]. It hasn’t been the best of times but life is good and we are trying to pull through this. We hope to still be in business next week.”
Come on, you pathetic idiots who like shitty music; grow the f*ck up. If anybody was entitled to make death threats, it should be that couple who had their wedding reception at the place. There’s nothing like having the consummation of one’s marriage interrupted when one or both of the parties have to run to the bathroom to tend to explosive diarrhea and/or vomiting.
And as for Mr. Gormley, his check was in the mail soon thereafter, though it surely would have been more… had he finished the job.
Sting is better than you
Have you ever wondered whether or not Sting is better than you? Chances are he probably is, but just in case you had any modicum of doubt in your mind, he snuffed out any remaining uncertainty on the matter whilst dining with friends in Miami back in July.
According to witnesses and staff at the very exclusive Casa Tua, a Mediterranean-fusion eatery in South Beach’s Art Deco District, the Police frontman brought along his own personal chef to prepare his meal in the restaurant’s kitchen. However, the other members of his party, apparently not as good as he is (but then again, none of us are), ate the presumably shitty and poorly-prepared food made by the house chefs.
“It was amazing,” a fellow diner told reporters. “Casa Tua is one of the best places in town. It has some fantastic chefs and Sting brings his own person to cook. No one would believe it. Apparently his people booked ahead and said staff would cook for his friends but not for him.” Reporters were successful in getting ahold of the restaurant’s manager in order to confirm the story, and while he didn’t go into much detail, he did not deny that it had occurred, either.
While it was not specified what Sting’s chef prepared for him, chances are that it was exponentially better than anything those bush-league house chefs (who are more than likely overpaid and most certainly not as good as Sting) could have even dreamed of concocting, and that it also contained cilantro and/or some sort of wasabi/mango salsa.
So bringing your own chef to a restaurant is the hip new thing to do, eh? What’s next, bringing your own music collection to a nightclub? Pretty soon people will be… actually, wait… that’s a pretty damn good idea.
All-American Rejects in Ford spots
I really never realized how often Ford runs spots on TV and radio until they started pairing said spots with the insufferable powerpop ditty “Move Along.” I suppose it creates brand awareness, to an extent, but this is not good brand awareness. I was actually considering buying either a Fusion or Five Hundred Taurus, but as a result of this whole thing I’d almost be more inclined to buy a Kia or a Hyundai now. Almost.
Chinese Democracy… that’s really all I have to say
Axl Rose pushed back the release date for the new Guns N’ Roses album, Chinese Democacy, several more times over the course of the year, much to the surprise of no one.
After being delayed numerous times, the album was slated for March 6, but near the end of February, after realizing that that was just a couple of weeks away and that the band was nowhere near finishing it, Axl and friends decided to push the release date back to… they’re not sure.
According to a post made on the band’s Web site, “There is no official release date, as the band is currently mixing, but after some delays and scheduling difficulties, things appear to be moving along, … The good news is that all of the recording for the album has been completed, … Drummer Frank Ferrer and guitarist Ron ‘Bumblefoot’ Thal integrated themselves into the recordings seamlessly and will have their presence felt.” Yeah, that’s if Axl doesn’t decide to scrap their parts and start over from scratch again. Everyone knows that this guy is a dickhead and a flake, and it’s really a surprise that hasn’t killed himself yet by doing something stupid like trying to make toast in the shower.
I’m telling you, Chinese Democracy will not be out until 2025. Your kids will love it. You keep on thinking that I’m joking, but you’ll see…
