KEPT SECRETS IN WWE HISTORY
..THE RUMBLE WAS LAME..
T H E
M O N D A Y
N I G H T
R A B B L E
Hey all, welcome to the Monday Night Rabble. First off, I personally want to apologize for not rabbling the Rumble. I got half way there only to recognize that I didn’t have the Rabble supplies (read: the computer). Given that the show is my favorite of the year, I actually felt horrible about it… but then I saw the show.
So before we begin, let me put a stake in the ground and address my opinions on what WWE did last night:
A RABBLETORIAL: By James Hatton
First, let’s all give the WWE a golf clap for getting us.
Doing the Rabblecast, I get a chance to look at the news every week and the most recent word was that Cena wasn’t going to be ready for months. After Mania. The WWE was fighting for a main event at the biggest show of the year.
So what did they do… a well executed swerve.
That was the best part of what happened at the Royal Rumble. From there, it was all downhill.
The return of John Cena was fine. Well crafted. It was a moment that made everyone go ‘HOLY SHIT THEY GOT US!’, but to have him come in and be in a final three with Batista and Hunter seems cheap. Cena winning it on top of that tells every single person in the middle tier, even the upper middle tier, ‘Thank you for watching the program these last few months. We appreciate you letting us into your living room. We’ll be back next time someone gets fucked up, maybe we’ll see you again.’
So here we are! Raw with Cena on his way to Mania.
With:
BILL! – Arriving before the show
JEFFREY! – Working at the bar before we got here
KYLE! – Arriving 9:05
RANDOM BAR GUY! – Arriving 9:36
HERNANDEZ! – Not sure if he’s showing up.
DANI! – Arriving at 9:38.
JENNA! – She’s not showing up if he’s not…
MIKE! – We’re not sure where the hell he is either.
And the Inside Pulse Forumers – The Insyders!
Of course, the show starting with John Cena.. in H..d.. yeah. We’re done with that joke one week in.
The crowd seems vaguely interested.
“I’m going to call him Peter Piper.” – Bill
“Why Bill…” – Me
“Because he picked a pec.” – Me
“…” – Me
“Hold on, they’ll get better.” – Bill
So he is going to explain his injury to us… all to the chorus of ‘Cena sucks’.
He then goes all emo on us and discusses how his dreams were all fading away. So he risked his career to maybe get a shot at Mania…
So he tells us the impossible has happened.
“Yeah, Jeff Hardy got a title shot.” – Me
There is a man in the back who has something he wants.
“JEFF HARDY!!” – Me
He wants a match versus Orton tonight.
“First match back.. for the title.. didn’t work for Jericho, really.” – Me
Of course Randy comes on out and gives a litany of people he’s defeated for the title. Hunter, Shawn, Trips, Hardy… and the same has hapened to all of them. He beat them.
So John explains that Randy has done something that nobody else was able to do. Put him out of commission.
“And stopped the spinner belt from spinning.” – Bill
So John shows us his pec surgery scar, and admittedly, his arms look kind of lopsided. John then informs Randy that he’s still recovering, this is the best opportunity he’ll get.
So Randy states that he’s become a ‘big deal’ since he shelved Cena.
“They INVITE me to shit in bags now.” – Me
“I go to bag shitting parties now.” – Bill
So Randy gives him a shot.. at No Way Out, unless he wants to wait until Wrestlemania.
“Oooo… I might be doing something that night.” – Bill
So John explains that Randy has taken the one thing he really respects in this entire world.
“Avon?” – Me
Etc.. come get some…
COMMERCIAL ONE – 9:15
We’re back and here comes Ashley! Meshy and awesome.
“What’s the point of the 1/10th shirt?” – Jeffrey
“In case her shoulders get cold.” – Kyle
“It’s hot?” – Bill
“Is it?” – Jeffrey
“Yes.” – Me
And here comes Mickie! She’s pink.
Now.. Jillian Hall. Not pink.. or Ashley.
Finally, Beth Phoenix, mean as always.
ASHLEY & MICKIE vs. JILLIAN & BETH
Mickie looks pensive
Bell rings with Mickie starting with Jillian. Lock up and hammerlock from Jillian, reversed by Mickie who cartwheel’s out of it and hits a dropkick for two.
Tag to Beth who mocks Mickie crying last week and the pink one backs off.
“It was come to be knownst as the Scut Farkis affair.” – Bill
Mickie charges in and she’s irish whipped into the corner. Mickie charges and Beth pushes her into the corner post.
Tag to Jillian, and a headscissors to Mickie. Tag to Beth who hits a bad samoan drop.. ok, so maybe it was more of Mickie throwing a crucifix.. no idea. Anyway, it’s a pin for two.
“Mickie is wearing a clear thong.. won’t that chafe?” – Kyle
“That’s only three songs for most of these girls.. maybe one lap dance.” – Me
So Mickie ends up throwing out Jillian with a headscissors.. but then she eats the PhoenixBomb and the end.
Bad girls win.
WINNER: BAD GIRLS
In the back, Vinnie Mac talking to scruffy Regal.
“Did Regal steal Roddy’s hair?” – Bill
“I thought that was Lou Ferrigno.” – Kyle
So they come up with some plan about some stipulation for something leading to some show in March. Err… no idea.
COMMERCIAL TWO – 9:25
Here comes Regal! He discusses and flubs talking about the Elimination Chamber. Whomever wins it at No Way Out will get a title match at Wrestlemania.
“So Triple H verus Cena at Mania.” – Me
The crowd shrugs it off and starts ‘Whatting’ him. So who is in it?
Umaga!??!?!
Shawn Michaels. – Expected.
Chris Jericho. – THANK GOD!
JBL. – Good call.
Jeff Hardy – Huge pop.
..and Hunter. – Obviously.
“Good luck gentlemen… and may God have mercy on your souls.” – Regal
“I LOVE REGAL!” – Me
So later, Snitsky and Umaga versus Triple H and a mystery partner… WHY!
Also tonight, Jericho & Hardy vs. JBL & Orton.
This all told to us by the former XFL announcer…
weird.
COMMERCIAL THREE – 9:36
Now, he who spits in the face of those who don’t want to something about.. cool. But here comes Maria and Santino in tow. Now, who is getting primary screen time? Oh that’s right… Playboy’s next lil bunny.
His opponent, Cody Rhodes!
CARLITO vs. CODY RHODES
Two Rumble Losers
They lock up to start. Carlito with a kick to the gut and tosses Cody to the corner. Carlito charges and a hiptoss from Cody with a wristlock.
Carlito gets to his feet and pushes him to the corner. Kicks and punches from Carlito and a chop. Cody reverses it with chops of himself. Tosses Carlito the corner and a roll-up and the worst sandbagging on an armdrag ever. Carlito just kinda falls on him.
Cody then locks up his arm again. Ending with Carlito getting on his feet and just pummeling Cody in the corner. Cody tries to fight back and throws Carlito to the ropes. Reversed, but Cody stops on the ropes. Carlito charges and Cody sucks! Leaps to the second rope and a cross ring punch/lariat.
Outside now, Cody and Carlito fight for a momenta nd roll back in. Santino gets on the apron which distracts Cody long enough to lose the entire affair, even though Holly tried help him out.
WINNER: CARLITO
In the back, Hunter and Michaels are discussing the Elimination Chamber and how they might have to fight each other. That’s in 3 weeks though, tonight Hunter needs a partner for a match later.
Thankfully he’s already got his wardrobe change all set. Michaels leaps off camera. Back on, and he’s in DX gear. Cute.
COMMERCIAL FOUR – 9:45
Hey it’s Candice Michelle. Go Daddy Superbowl Commercial.
ARE YOU READY?
You better get ready… to bow to the masters.
Break it down!
“Remember when that DX reunion was only going to last a couple months.” – Me
“I think….. people liked it.” – Bill
“Just a shot in the dark. I mean, they got a good deal on glowsticks.” – Kyle
Now they go and give us the whole ‘Are you Ready’ shpiel.
‘…and for one man in particular, whom if you saw the Royal Rumble last night. Committed what we call in the business… gimmick infringement…. blatently ripped us off. So for you, Michael Buffer. LET’S GET READY TO SUCK IT'”
And the tribal rhythm…
“Oh right, they have opponents.” – Me
DX vs. Snitsky & Umaga
…no we don’t know hy either…
Oh, and this is your 10 o’clock spot.
Hunter wins at Rock Paper Scissors. They lock up and Trips backs up to grab a mic asking the audince for a tic tac or a breathmint or something.
“Wasn’t Snitsky a member of DX for a night?” – Bill
So they lock up and Snitsky throws Hunter to the corner. Trips shoulders him down. Tags in Shawn. Fast tags back and forth. Wrings the arm. Bodyslam. Elbow.
Blah blah blah – nothing interesting happens until Shawn is on the top going for the elbow and Umaga gets a HUGE kick to him and Snitsky now rolls him to set Shawn up as the face in peril.
Lots of bearhugs.
“They’re in love.” – Dani
“Hug him back.” – Bill
“He should pinch his cheeks and call him his little teddybear.” – Dani
“Or a kiss like Bugs Bunny.” – Bill
Commercial.
COMMERCIAL FIVE – 10:02
Back… Umaga’s beating on Shawn. I’ll let you know when Hunter gets the tag.
He gets tagged. Kneelift to Snits. Facebuster to Snits. Umaga then gets the samoan drop out of nowhere. He then eats the superkick and a plancha to the outside.
Snitsky left with Trips. Spinebuster. Kick wham pedigree.
WINNER: DX
In the back Randy and JBL talking about their tag match. He explains that Mania is going to be the first time Orton has ever faced JBL.
Long pauses: the interview.
COMMERCIAL SIX – 10:14
Todd talks to Jeff. Nobody cares.
“It’s not the end of Jeff Hardy…” – Jeff Hardy
“Close enough though..” – Jeffrey
Vince in the back with Hornswaggle. He let Vince down.
“Everyone was so excited in the Rumble.” – Vince
“Now they all hate you..” – Me
“..because you are a midget.” – Bill
Vince then yells at Horny because he’s disappointed.
“Why is his face all dirty?!?!” – Bill
“..he’s Irish..” – Me
COMMERCIAL SEVEN – 10:19
Last night – Ric beat MVP.
Now though… KENNEDY!
“He hasn’t summoned a mic in awhile.” – Bill
Now though… SPANKY!
MR. KENNEDY vs. SPANKY
Poor Spanky
Spanky gets in the ring and slaps Kennedy in the face like a bitch.
“Does Mistah Kennedy look like a bitch!” – Me
Kennedy throws Spanky to the outside! Kennedy though hurls Spanky into the apron. Nice. Looked rough.
Kennedy hurls Spanky into the turnbuckle and works on the arm with hammerlocks. Spanky hits an out of nowhere dropkick. Heads up to the top turnbuckle and goes for a missle dropkick, denied! Hits the mic check.
WINNER: MR. KENNEDY
And at the end of the match. NOW he summons the mic.
“I stand corrected.” – Bill
Kennedy apparently asked Regal to not include him in the Elimination Chamber at No Way Out. He wants the belt. He’ll wait though, so he wants to instead, end the career of Ric Flair.
He is going to put Ric down.
“You lost yo’ LA priv’lages.” – Bill
Nice.
And who comes out.. well, of course.. FLAIR!
He’s got two things to say to him:
1 – Good Luck …and…
2 – WOOOOOOO!
End of interview. So good.
“Throw the jacket, drop the bo’. Throw the jacket, drop the bo’. Put the lotion in the basket!” – Bill
COMMERCIAL EIGHT – 10:30
Melina coming on out?
“Another female? I somebody sick this week.” – Jeffrey
“Writer’s strike.” – Bill
Facing… MARIA!!!!
MELINA vs. MARIA
Thanks Playboy…
Lock-up. Melina splits and rolsl down into a leg lock. Maria reverses it into a hammer lock. Melina hits with a back elbow.
Ducks a clothesline and a kick to Melina’s gut. Hurls her into the corner, and bronco buster! Yay.
As Melina gets up, Pulls her out and drops her onto the second turnbuckle, then rolls her up for a front facelock. THe funniest part of that is hearing Santino go ‘Notta da face.’
Front facelock turns into a london bridge! Maria arches out of it, and hits a neckbreaker – and then a running headscissors! Solid.
DRops Melina on her knee and then charges the turnbuckle for the miss. Melina with punches to the kidneys and goes for the sunsetflip, but Maria just drops… panties showing… gets the win.
WINNER: MARIA!
Santino runs in and wraps her up in a jacket and screams at the ‘Japanese people’ for the high definition technologies. He wants to puke in the liberty bell. These people will never see Maria in a Playboy. Maria seems upset by this.
Poor widdle Maria…
Todd in the back.. talking to Y2J! He goes through his many nomenclatures. As he choked out JBL, a new Chris Jericho emerged. He liked that.
Heel Jericho? Oh I pray.
COMMERCIAL NINE – 10:42
We’re back… the Gladiators/XFL guy. He’s lame.
Anyway, he tells us the Elimination Chamber.
Jeff Hardy time… annnnnnd Y2J!
STEP TO THE ARENA AND BREAK THE WALLS DOWWWWN!
JBL’s bell rings.
“Dinner’s ready.” – Jeffrey
JEFF HARDY & Y2J vs. JBL & ORTON
Neat match.. I guess..
Jericho starting with Orton. Chris hits the side headlock on Orton!? Irony!
Chops now from Chris. Back elbow from Chris. Jericho hits a suplex. Kicks Orton in the corner. Finally Orton goes and eats the Jericho inverted-backcracker.. codebreaker.. whatever it is. JBL hurls Jericho out!
Swanton now from Hardy! JBL pulls him out just before the three.
COMMERcIAL TEN – 10:53
Back from our smoke with Hardy fighting JBL in the ring. JBL hurls him to the ropes, but Orton grabs on to him long enough for JBL to boot Hardy in the face. Pin stopped by Y2J though.
Randy now in with Hardy. Knee drops on Hardy’s arm & shoulder. Then putting him into a tight armlock.
Bad drop toe from Orton and a tag to JBL. Picks up Jeff and stiff punches in the corner. Cheating abounds.
Orton in with Hardy now. Goes to take Hardy to the ropes, but Hardy hits the lariat. Both are down, and the hot tag is made. Jericho hits the ropes and drops JBL with punches. Shouldertackles JBL down. Drops the legs and turns for the Walls. Ducks a cheap clothesline from Orton! He eats the middle rope dropkick. Throws JBL to the corner, inverted by Jericho and a boot to JBL’s face.
Chris hits the lionsault SQUARE! Stopped by Orton and Hardy is in. Hardy kicking Orton in the corner. He heads to the top! Pushed off to the outside. Jericho hits the walls! Ref is checking on Hardy. Orton hist the RKO!
JBL now goes and gets the pin. Gets the three.
WINNER: JBL & ORTON
“Where’s the run in…” – Bill
Ah, and there is Cena’s music. They stare up the ramp as Cena struts on down. He tosses his shirt and hat.
JBL then rolls out of the ring. Cena hits the FU. Poses. The end.
-w-o-o-
What did we think?
“Overall one of the better Raws” – Kyle
“I can’t complain about this one.” – Bill
“Highlight was watching Maria actually wrestle. Rest was classic post ppv.” – Jeffrey
And my opinions, aside from my dislike of the hot shotted Cena, was that the show was well paced. I can’t really complain either. I’ve done enough of that tonight.
We’ll see ya next week kids.
