An Enquiry Concerning Why Your Favorite Movie Sucks:
Halloween (2007) Edition
It wouldn’t entirely accurate to just write off Rob Zombie’s “re-imagining” of Halloween as just a bad movie.
…
It’s a really bad movie.
The Oscars that almost weren’t, and may not be!?
The Golden Globes were already cancelled, or at least reduced to a paltry press conference.
As far as I know, there is a good chance the Oscars won’t happen either. I know what you’re thinking, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO? THE HUMANITY!
I don’t know if a world without an Oscar ceremony is worth living. C’mon, how are we supposed to carry on without being able to see a bunch of beautiful people, in ridiculous formal wear and borrowed jewelry, giving awards to each other for being really good at pretending?
Where else am I going to see the bloated corpse of Jack Nicholson? Do you expect me to pay to see The Bucket List? Where else am I going to see some guy get a golden statue for something I don’t quite understand, like Sound Editing? How am I going to see the recycled flesh of Joan Rivers parade about a see a paparazzi to badger a dim-witted starlet? Where else am I going to see 5,000 celebrities each arrive in his or her own limousine then tell me about the dangers of my carbon emissions?
Dear merciful gods, please let the Oscars happen.
Plan B
It is always important to have a contingency plan.
Are you prepared, just in case the Oscars don’t happen?
If not, I will let you in on my PLAN B.
You see, there is one man who can match the glitz and glam of the Oscars. There is one man who is the apotheosis of Hollywood class. One man who can out-star-power an entire community of actors. This is a man whose movies are SO AWESOME that the Oscars had to disqualify them in order to preserve the spirit of competition.
A marathon of his movies would be worth several lifetimes of Oscars.
By now, you know who Im talking about.
Patrick F’n Swayze.
Outro
Sorry for the short column this week, and the lack of columns last 2 weeks. I was at Disneyworld, and then my family was very sick. Tune in next week for Oscar prediction.
