Monday Night Rabble

THE RABBLE IS HEEAAAAAAH

..sorry..

I won’t do that again

T H E
M O N D A Y
N I G H T
R A B B L E

Tonight though, Cena and Mark Henry are going to have an arm wrestling match for no reason whatsoever. Also, Hornswaggle is going to join the McMahon Kiss My Ass Club.

Hmm.. whatever..

What is the Rabble? A gathering An assemblege with a message. That message is that wrestling, above all things, is funny. We know that. We don’t take our hobby seriously. It’s like full contact stamp collecting. That’s us. The guys that kick the shit out of stamp collectors… or at least get them to beat the hell out of each other.

If you understood that. Good. I don’t.

Our Rabbletiers tonight!
HERNANDEZ – The Two Headed George Washington Stamp!
BILL – The Lincoln With No Mole Stamp!
SAM – Martha Washington’s Little Dog Rex Stamp!
JEFFREY – The Beer Swilling Taft Stamp!
MIKE – The Invisible Kennedy Stamp!
And me, the ‘Lifesize’ Clinton Stamp, James Hatton.

Let’s not forget the Extra Stars On The Flag Stamp… The Insyders!

Let’s start with Insyder Kyle Jordan who gives us an update as to what he thinks is going to happen tonight:
Randy Orton talks and bores people
John Cena shows up people boo and cheer
Pats joke at Cena’s expense
People in the Chamber have something to do with each other
McMahon-Hornswoggle-Finlay Shinnegans er Shennigans, Shannahaigans, howerver its spelled.
Divas action Mickie cries people comment on her bewbs.

Starting with Randy Orton in the ring, the red carpet laid out and a table.. for some reason.
“I’ve been here for an hour..” – Hernandez

He has a mic, get ready for the talent.
“What a GREAT way to start Raw…HEY! {Note sarcasm!}” – Insyder CaptainSpaulding

He’s apparently holding a WWE Champion Contact.
“..from 1988.. I’m facing Paul Orndorff.” – Me
“It’s his lines for the night.” – Hernandez

Orton wants it in writing so Cena won’t back out in two weeks because he’s not fully recovered. Orton wants the contract signed so Cena has ‘No Way Out’.
“KACHING!” – Hernandez
“And that’s the show everyone..” – Me
“He’ll be in Armaged… wait, that’s not right” – Bill

Oh, and Cena is on his way down to the ring.

So as John gets to the table and pushes Orton’s feet right off of it.
“OOoo thems a fighting push.” – Me
“He didn’t want Randy to scuff the nice table.” – Bill

So with little fanfare, Cena signed the contract. The end. That was it? Oh.. and he is apparently arm wrestling Henry to prove his pec is ok. So here comes Henry… Randy with the RKO.. Ooooohhhh
“So Henry, why’d ya come out?’
‘I was lookin for Beagly Beagly..” – Me

COMMERCIAL ONE – 9:16

So in the back Randy and Mark are interrupted by Todd who wants to know why they set up Cena…

Randy denies the idea that they set him up. He just took advantage of the situation.

Now, for no reason, Kelly Kelly, whois dressed for whorin… I mean wrestling..

And Mickie is looking cute in yellow.

Now, here comes Victoria in a hot lil red number. Her spideroutfit is kinda cool…

She’s with Beth Phoenix. This match is goign to be painful.

KELLY KELLY & MICKIE vs. VICTORIA & BETH PHOENIX
Breasts.
“My facemask Mickie James. My brutal love partner Beth Phoenix. And the hot as all living hell with short hair Victoria. Good God every pair of boxers I own just got simultaneously filthy!” – Insyder CaptainSpaulding
“Excuse me, but her name is The Glamazon. Moron.” – Insyder DarkStar

Victoria and Kelly starting. Side headlock takedown from Victoria, and Kelly rolls it into a head scissors. Back bridge from Kelly!? Followed by an on the shoulder roll-up?! Who the hel taught her how to do thigns!?

Victoria grabs her hair and pulls her up. She eats face to the mat followed by the spot going again and Kelly reverses it?!?!?! Now a tag to Mickie.

She attacks Victoria, hits a neckbreaker. Launches on Victoria, but there is the tag!

Beth charges in on fire, but Mickie comes back with a quick roll-up. Two! Another to Beth for another two. Mickie goes for punches and gets kicked instead. She hits the ropes and launches on Beth for a guillotine?! Crazy. Beth tosses her to the corner annnnd Oof they butt heads.
“Intentional?” – Me

Victoria runs in to hit Kelly and Mickie charges in to hit a MickieGoRound for the win!? Sure.

WINNER: GOOD BOOBS

In the back Regal wants to convince Horny that being in the AssClub is a good club to be in. HE’S in it?!

Then it goes black early..
“OOPS! Wrong switch.. sorry.” – Hernandez

COMMERCIAL TWO – 9:28

Oh.. Shawwwwwn…. he’s apparently cute and sexy. He’s got the looks that drive a girl wild.
“His back looks hurt.” – Kyle
“It lost it’s smile.” – Me

Shawn explains that he’s upset with being in second place these days.
“He seems drunk.” – Hernandez
“He’s drunk on the love of Jesus.” – Me

So after all of the accolades and even having sung his own theme song… he’s still unsatisfied.

So Shawn continues on about the elimination chamber and cue Jericho’s music! Shawn shows a lack of surprise amusingly.

Jericho apparently agreed with EVERYTHING that Shawn said.. except that Shawn is going to win the Elimination Chamber.. he’s an expert at Elimination Chambers. He’s been in 3.

Cue Jeff Hardy.
“I like Shawn’s ‘whatever’ face to these people..” – Bill (or someone.. I missed who said it..)

Biggest pop so far – Jeff.
“That’s why they saved me for third.” – Bill

He promises that in the chamber he’s going to sacrifice his body in ways he’s never done before. He’s going to take down 5 other superstars!

Cue JBL!
“Clusterfuck at the end?” – Me
“Probably.” – Hernandez

JBL to a mixed pop since it’s in Texas… but he always gets what he wants. He just takes it.
“..and rapes it.” – Hernandez

So Umaga apparently is going to guarantee his win. He’s teamed up with him.

Cue… Umaga! He walks right by JBL and into the ring. Umaga and JBL go face to face.
“Give him a treat!” – Me

Cue… Snitsky?! Why the hell is Snitsky coming out…
“I just wanted to be at the cool kids table.” – Me

So Snitsky, with a mic. He apparently feels he deserves to be in the elimination chamber match. So if they don’t give him a spot.. he’s taking it.
“Snitsky is out now…Shawn just needs to start singing, “One of these things is not like the other, one of these things just doesn’t belong!”” – Insyder CaptainSpaulding

Shawn grabs the mic. He lets Snitsky know he doesn’t deserve squat. Thus ensues the flustercuck. Shawn throws out Snitsky.
“And Snitsky’s out of the Rumble!” – Me

The cluster stopped by Regal and we get a main event of Jeff/Shawn/Y2J vs. Umaga/JBL/Snitsky match.
“I actually feel BAD for JBL.” – Me

COMMERCIAL THREE – 9:44

K E N N E D YYYYYYY!

In the ring.. Super Crazy?
“Super Crazy still has a job?” – Me
“SUPER!” – Kyle
“CRAAHY!” – Bill

MR. KENNEDY vs. SUPER CRAZY
Super Kennedy!

Lock up and ad a low dropkick from Kennedy. He loads Crazy’s knee on the second rope and DROPS hard on it. Nice. Crazy now fights back, but a droptoe hold rolled up rolled into a rowback.

Goes to pick up Crazy, but gets kicked in the chest.. so he rolls back the OTHER leg.
“Kennedy has been kicking ass the last few weeks.” – Me
“He has to make up for the last year.” – Hernandez

Goes and wraps Crazy’s leg around the corner.

So Kennedy wraps up the leg, and Crazy kicks he hell out of him, and he in turn gets locked up in an inverted figure four! Bad – Ass.
“What a great set-up for Flair… nice.” – Me

WINNER: KENNEDY

MIC SUMMONING ACTION!
“Just drop an anvil…” – Hernandez
“Says ‘Acme’ on it.” – Kyle

He wants us to now watch the titantron with Flair vs. MVP… ‘woo’.

Flair faced MVP.. and MVP got DQ’d Then goes by wrapping Flair around the corner and kicking the stairs…
“Ok ok ok I’ll stop.. SIKE!” – Hernandez
“Aww, the refs are trying to hold him up, but his flesh kept slipping.” – Bill

Given that, he’s going to allow Ric to come out and forfeit the match. Otherwise, he’s going to end Flair’s career and make him limp for his entire life. ‘woooo’.
“I frigging LOVE Kennedy’s woo.” – Me

COMMERCIAL FOUR – 9:55

It’s Saaaantino.. and MARRRIAAA.. and.. Carlito.
“MARRIAAA!” – Me

And the Hooliganz in the house!
“..NOT the Highlanders..” – Bill
“Sigfreid and Roy!” – Kyle

CARLITO & SANTINO vs. HOOLIGANZ!
“Ok Cena comes back super fast. London is back. And now Cade is back. Me thinks another wellness test is in order!” – Insyder CaptainSpaulding

Spanky starting off with Carlito.

Spanky ducks under Carlito grabbing him. QUick kicks to his legs and then a big dropkick for one. Back on the feet, Spanky hits some punches. A quick succesion of heelkicks and as Spanky hits the ropes, Santino holds the second rope and he falls between them. Brilliant.

Santino throws him back in as London comes chasing him.

Backcracker. Done.
“London looks like Keanu from Permenant Record..” – Me
“Who is going to get that?” – Hernandez

WINNER: CARLITO & SANTINO

Vinnie in the back is getting his ass buff’d. Kinda looks nice.
“They won’t show it, but he’s got an air freshner hanging from his dick.” – Bill

“I blame you for this next spot..” – Hernandez
“Me?” – Me
“Yeah, HD this and HD that.. now THIS.. IN HDDDDDD!” – Hernandez
“Wouldn’t Hornswaggle have to get on his tiptoes to kiss Vince’s ass? this could be the Vince McMahon Tea Bagging Club ” – Insyder Soak1313
“Don’t give them any ideas.” – Insyder DarkStar
“On Telemundo, they translate it as the “Dirty Sanchez Club de Vincent McMahon!”” -Insyder CaptainSpaulding

COMMERCIAL FIVE – 10:05

Here comes Vinnie Mac! He grabs a mic and he feels he should treat his employees a certain way. So he makes his employees kiss his ass.
“Marty Jannety everyone..” – Hernandez
“*From under the ring* come..on..i’ll fight anyone vinnie!” – Me

Vince then makes fun of Texas people’s kids. Then Texas people. Then their kids again.

He asks all the kids to stand up. Then calls them all spoiled brats. He tells parents to have these kids kiss their parents ass. Literally.
“How many little girls are going, ‘I already suck his dick..’?” – Hernandez

So here comes Hornswaggle.

‘This is what you should do to your kids..’ – Vince
“As he drops his pants.” – Bill

So after a few false starts. Horny goes in for the kiss all to be stopped by Finley. Coming on down in a fucking pin-striped leather jacket.
“”I want one of those.. so bad.” – Me
“He is 200% irish.” – Bill

Vince now invites Finley to join the ‘Kiss My Ass Club’ since he signs his paychecks.

Finley holds Hornswaggle back from kissing Vince’s ass.

As you can tell from our reactions.. we don’t care.

Horny bit it. The end.
“..ohh, got one over on him.. ooooo….” – Hernandez

Finley did a kickstep at the top of the entrance ramp… Neat!
“A twister a twistah!” – Me

So Vince is facing Horny next week in the ring. He blames this on the fans.

COMMERCIAL SIX – 10:22

Here comes Hardcore Holly and Cody!

Cade and Murdoch!? In new jackets.. nice.

HARDCORE HOLLY & CODY vs. CADE & MURDOCH
Smell the stiff

Hardcore Holly starts with Murdoch. Back elobw. Hangs him on the top rope for a gut kick. Murdoch though hits the inverted atomic and a tag to Cade.

Cade runs up for a pin for two. Then begins the beatdown on Holly. Russian legsweep. Then hits the ropes only to eat a dropkick from Holly.
“Right in the mush..” – Hernandez

Murdoch charges Cody and a doubleaxe from the top… a doubleaxe!?
“I will rule you!” – Kyle

Holly and Cade fight on the outside. Cody out of nowhere hits the DDT for the win!

WINNERS: CODY & HOLLY

This is all interrupted by Carlito and Santino.. with.. MARIA!

They declare that they are the number one contenders. Santino calls them ugly and makes a shot about Maria not being in Playboy. Ta dah.

COMMERCIAL SEVEN – 10:30

Jeff Hardy runs to the ring…
“I’M AN AIRPLANE!” – Bill

Shawn kneels for pyro.
“Jesus.. give me hair.” – Mike

And finally, CHRIS JERICHO!

COMMERCIAL EIGHT – 10:40

We come back and the bad guys are already on their way.

JEFF HARDY / SHAWN MICHAELS / JERICHO
vs.
JBL / UMAGA / SNITSKY

Triple H Run in in 5.. 4.. 3..

Umaga starting with Shawn. They go chop for chop. Shawn throws him to the ropes, reversed into a sunset flip, but Umaga drops only to have SHawn move and hit the ropes for a dropkick for two.

Shawn wrings the arm and tags in Jericho. He now wraps up Umaga and eats a knee for Snitsky to get tagged in. Jericho tosses Snitsky into the corner, charges and eats an elbow. Snitsky charges Jericho against the ropes. Jericho ducks, Snitsky caught on the top.

Middle rope dropkick with a tag to Jeff. Chris takes point for Jeff to charge and the poetry in motion!

Back on their feet, Snitsky slams Jeff down and a tag to JBL for the big clubbing beatdown now from Layfield. Finally JBL goes for a kick, caught into a flipkick from Jeff and a double legdrop.

Tag to Shawn now and a tag to Snitsky and a big clothesline from Snitsky… up comes Shawn slowly only to duck under the boot from Snits.. now goes to set Snitsky into the sharpshoot… NO! Figure four?! Out of nowhere headbutt from Umaga! Charge and Umaga goes over the top. Jericho runs in and dropkicks Snitsky out. Hardy throws out JBL – Triple Suicide Dive…
“RAW…where you’ll see 186 versions of the figure four! Tune in tonight!” – Insyder CaptainSpaulding

All hail the commercial spot!

COMMERCIAL NINE – 10:50

We’re back with Jericho and Snitsky both knocked out in the middle of the ring.
“Jericho just hit by the Roflcopter!” – Hernandez

Snitsky back on his feet, slams Jericho down and drops an elbow. Tag now to Umaga. Mass cheating with Jericho as the face in trouble.

Bearhug from Umaga. Samoan drop. Nerve pinches and bearhugs and all sorts of mean bad guy things.

Jericho fights out of it. Headbutt to his back, and a tag to JBL! Pin for two. Back on their feet, they fight out of it. Jericho runs the ropes and runs right into JBL’s foot.

Tag to Snitsky. As you once again from this commentary, it’s a real stellar match as Snitsky puts Jericho into a …. bearhug! More fighting out of it. Hits more ropes. Eats more shots.

FINALLY, Umaga misses a headbutt and Jericho hits the hot tag to Jeff who runs in on Snitsky. Drops Snitsky. Gets thrown to the corner. Hits the whisper….
“MISS!” – Kyle

JBL clotheslines Jeff
Jericho hits JBL with the Code Breaker.
Umaga hits Jericho.
Superkick to Umaga.
Snitsky boot to HBK.
Jeff Hardy Twist of Fate.

WINNER: GOOD GUYS
“Still time for arm wrestling? I came to see that, nothing else.” – Kyle

Heeere comes Cena!

COMMERCIAL TEN – 10:56

Cena now coming down for main event arm wrestling.
“IF he turns that hat around.. it’s like a switch..” – Hernandez
“OVER THE TOP!!!!” – Me

From the Insyders Synchronicity Society:
“I swear to God if Cena turns his hat around and wraps his fingers around Henry’s hand slowly mid-match then I’m going to kick in my TV for Over The Top blasphemy.” – Insyder CaptainSpaulding
“Anyone want to do the obligatory Over The Top joke here?” – Insyder Soak1313

Finally, here comes Mark Henry.. looking hungry.
“WHO GOT MY DOUGHNUTS!” – Me

ARM WRESTLING
“He’s got a white palm!” – Hernandez
“Of course he does.. he’s caucasian!” – Me
“NOT HIM!” – Hernandez

It starts. Henry winning.

Cena then fights back… gets it back to center position. Before he wins, Orton shows up, Cena ducks the RKO. Randy ducks the FU. Throws Henry into the FU… woo.

That’s it…
“It sucked.” – Sam
“That one blew.” – Bill
“Looking forward to two elimination chambers.. that’s it.” – Hernandez
“Not funny.” – Kyle

“First hour sucked. Second hour was alright.” – Mike
“YOU DIDN’T WATCH IT!” – Me
“First hour sucked. TriTowers was pretty good.” – Kyle
“Yeah…” – Mike

Let’s revisit Insyder Kyle Jordan’s list:
Randy Orton talks and bores people (X)
John Cena shows up people boo and cheer (X)
Pats joke at Cena’s expense
People in the Chamber have something to do with each other (X)
McMahon-Hornswoggle-Finlay Shinnegans er Shennigans, Shannahaigans, howerver its spelled. (X)
Divas action Mickie cries people comment on her bewbs. (X)

5 out of 6… not bad. G’nite all!

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