I, of all people, was just called a Cena mark and told Stan Hansen and Steve Austin are “meh” wrestlers. My brain feels like it wants to explode out of my head in rage… in other words, the perfect mood for Impact!
Okay, it’s on.
Here’s Robert Roode and Payton Banks with an opening promo. Roode has a fake broken jaw, is drinking a shake, and sounds absolutely retarded mocking Sharmell and Booker T. Roode then attempts to get an intense promo, saying Booker wants to thank him for causing Sharmell to lose weight and finally shut up. Roode says your welcome. A fine mid-card filler promo, but why is it opening a prime time show?
Oh my God! People are jumping through my television screen! Oh, its the Impact open.
Match 1: Robert Roode with Payton Banks vs. “Black Machismo” Jay Lethal
They spend all their time hyping Roode’s angle with Booker, which is fitting since Booker attacks Roode. They cut away to tell us Booker will get his hands on Roode at the PPV… as opposed to what’s happening now that they aren’t showing us. I suppose that match is off.
A rundown of what’s on Impact and at Against All Odds. Since Tomko beat Angle clean last week, shouldn’t he get a title shot?
To Jim Cornette’s office where Matt Morgan demands Samoa Joe in a sling. Cornette insists Morgan stay away and that Joe will sign the contract.
Match 1: (fa realz, non-title) Traci Brooks vs. Awesome Kong (non title match)
Well, they managed another match quickly. Commercials pre-match.
ODB talks nonsense, cutting a promo about being tougher… as Kong and Traci watch on. If TNA can’t bother to focus on this match, why should I?
Kong smash. She’s fun. She needs to never lose, ever, at least unless Sara Del Rey gets bored and decides to take her belt. Kong smash more. Traci tries to come back using speed and is surprisingly successful, until she eats a backhand. Implant Buster. Awesome bomb (I hate that name; I don’t want to be reminded of Mike Awesome while trying to enjoy the show). That’s three.
Awesome Kong defeats Traci Brooks (Pin, Awesome bomb, *)
Kong looks great, but the focus is taken right off of her when…
Payton Banks attacks Traci post match and security pulls her off.
Booker chases Roode in the back who gets in a car and drives off.
Petey Williams and Scott Roider argue while Jim Cornette tries to make peace. Scott vs. Petey is added to Against All Odds in a Case vs. Case match. That sounds suitably terrible. Scott leaves all cranky, while Petey poses.
Random Black Reign promo video. He misses his rat. Aww. Oh no. Oh god no. It’s a rat on a pole match. Why am I doing this to myself? Jesse, our usual TNA live guy had damn well better enjoy his birthday. I hate you Vince Russo.
Match 2: Misty on a Pole Match: Black Reign vs. Kaz
ALERT ALERT! This is not a bad Vince Russo Joke! This is actually happening!
This is what they use Kaz for after elevating him over Christian? Four boxes in the corners, three have rat traps, one has Misty. I’m glad the ring has six sides, that makes this even better somehow since their are four boxes.
Dustin throws Kaz into the guard rail as West acts like he was shot, but somehow, showing incredible will and determination, the brave Kaz makes it up as West and Tenay forget what’s going and explain the rules for the third time. Dustin gets the first rat trap on his hand as we go to commercial.
Kaz gets a mouse trap when we come back. Kaz does cool flying stuff I might care about in context during the break. Dustin brawls, Kaz uses speed. The pole nonsense makes this too disjointed to work.
Derek Kelley watches and asks who I pissed off to have to do this. There is only one possible answer: God.
Kaz is doing everything to make Dustin look good, but, really, ain’t nothin’ gunna save this. Black Reign gets another rat trap. Kaz knocks Dustin over and gets Misty.
Kaz defeats Black Reign (finds a rat in on a pole, *)
Dustin attacks Kaz with his contrived weapon post match and goes to get his rat.
Borash with Booker. That’s four segments on this match in a half hour. Generic, “I hate him and I never hated anyone like this!” promo from Booker. It’s better than Roode’s, but I miss King Bookah.
Team 3D vs. X Division video that says that the X guys take beating after beating. Glad they’re making the best team on their roster look so good.
Match 3: X Division Title Match: Johnny Devine (c) vs. Homicide
Ah, ‘Cide, how I miss you. I need to hear Kill Bill intro into ‘The Truth’ live one more time. Can you name a worse X-Division wrestler who isn’t pure comedy than the champion? I can’t.
The Notorious 187 beats on Divine with his usual stuff. I’m not even complaining. It’s been too long since I’ve seen this. Homicide misses a dive and Divine uses the WORST version of the curb stomp I’ve ever seen, with his foot on ‘Cide’s chest. I’m happy Homicide works stiff, if only for that weak nonsense Divine is using.
They settle into a pattern where ‘Cide is owning him, but can’t succeed at using his speed and keeps running into bad spots. Homicide is controlling a lot, and nails the Ace Crusher for a good near fall. Gringo Killer… Devon is late to break the pin up so the ref stops counting until 3d beat on Homicide. What… the… f*ck. Hernandez saves and border tosses Divine.
Homicide defeats Johnny Divine (Disqualification, *)
Not bad, but the botched ending was crappy looking and Divine is a waste.
Christian cuts a promo. Am I the only one who thinks he speaks like Vince Vaughn? Cage calls out Tomko for a face to face tonight. I smell another stupid double turn, this time by Tomko at the PPV.
Joe promo video about green, gold and power. That was good, but this whle angle is very convoluted with Angle, Christian Cage, AJ Styles, Tomko, Samoa Joe, Matt Morgan and Kevin Nash involved.
Jim Cornette calls out Joe, who emerges with his b****, Kevin Nash. Angle comes out as Joe is about to sign. Angle wants to chat about Joe being enforcer. Why this is before the contract signing, or they don’t just sign the contract off camera so they don’t get interrupted, I don’t know. Do you? Please do let me know. Angle says he’s better than Joe and promises if Joe does anything funny Sunday, that he will make sure Joe never walks again. Cornette sucks at his job and can’t keep control at all apparently. Joe says he’ll call it right down the middle then throws Angle through the table. No contract signed still. Please just do this shit off camera.
I wonder how much Nash got paid to just stand there.
Kyle Sparks answers with “Well, he got paid enough that they couldn’t afford Chris Jericho when he was a free agent.” Thank you, Kyle.
Barbed wire nightmare preview. Rock n Rave Infection cut a terrible promo and piss me off with their Guitar Hero guitars, called themselves the greatest Rock Band ever (I’m reviewing that game soon, so look for it). Should they maybe be the best… tag team ever, since this is a wrestling show? Hemme sings and I mute the rest of the bad promo (as per Ivan’s advice).
Match 4: Lance Hoyt and Jimmy Rave w/ Christy Hemme vs. Curry Man!#! and Shark Boy
The RnR Infection get a mic as I mute them again. This is what Rave left ROH for?
Curry Man dances. This doesn’t even stand out as wacky compared to the rest of the show, and I usually love Curry Man. The Shark is running his Stone Cold gimmick still.
Shark Boy whups ass. This isn’t terrible. It’s a comedy match with all comedy gimmicks. It’s entirely low brow and a train wreck, but in many ways is the least offensive thing on the show since it’s trying to be silly.
Curry Man beats on Rave, then uses speed to beat on Hoyt. The heels try and double Curry, but Shark defends and the heels have nothing until Curry walks into a big boot. As the heels get heat on Curry Man, Wiswell notes, “I’m sad to see he doesn’t have the bicycle shorts” about Curry Man.
Curry Man uses speed. Shark Boy comes in wit the Austin offense. Stunner On Rave, Spice Rack (Spicy Drop) follows, and its over.
Curry Man and Shark Boy defeat Rave and Hoyt (Pin, Spice Rack, ** 1/2)
Inoffensive comedy, though a waste of time.
Tomko agrees to see what Cage has to say. Wiswell says, “Tyson Tomko continues his streak of dispassionate interviews. His lack of giving a shit speaks for all his viewers.” I sort of disagree. I think Tomko is TNA’s new great success that they will surely waste, like they did Kaz.
BG James cuts a terrible promo saying that AJ and Tomko don’t understand the “levity of the situation.” I do not think that word means what you think it means. Kip James offers support. No one cares, yet baby Jesus cries.
Match 5: Tiger Mask IV vs. AJ Styles
Well, this can be good if it isn’t angle advancement, though it sounds an awful lot like Tiger Mask’s music is saying “puff puff pass.” AJ apologizes to the Angles pre-match.
I know I’m not supposed to say this, but I don’t really like Tiger Mask. He’s quite good but the worst of the Tiger Masks and about 6th best of the NJPW juniors.
Tiger Mask is apparently faster than AJ tonight, as AJ works quite slow heel, taking it to Tiger whenever he can find an opening. AJ shows he can still be a great athlete with the guardrail leap spot, but goes back to working over Tiger Mask and trying to get the mask off. This lets Tiger recover and a dive to the floor takes down AJ. Tiger controls momentarily, but phenomenal reverse DDT gets him control back. They battle back and forth until the ref is bumped and AJ hits a low blow. Styles Clash and AJ wins.
AJ Styles defeats Tiger Mask (Pin, Styles Clash, ***)
Disjointed, but a clear story holds this up. AJ tried to match athleticism with Tiger Mask and when he realized it wasn’t a clear win, went low for the quick win. No complaints. I need more of this.
Hey, isn’t Nakamura at these tapings? He needs a match as he’s freaking awesome.
Christian comes out and so does Tomko. Cage says if Tomko wants to finish what AJ started, he can have Christian’s back. Tomko spins him around, raises his fist and does nothing as West badly narrates. Can’t hit him now or it isn’t a SWERVE at the Pay Per View.
Match 6: Christian Cage vs. Judas Mesias
Filler/Angle advancement. I can smell it. Smells like old people pee.
Mesias has power and attacks Cage successfully early. Mesias with bites and chokes. So unique… besides Black Reign earlier. More asswhupping for the number one contender who uses his head and speed to dump Mesias on the floor.
Wiswell notes, “Mesias is terrible for his role, right down to his finisher. How can no one in TNA notice that Mesias’ finisher is having a Black Hole Slam done to him? Easily the worst possible finisher to have against Abyss.” God Damn, now that’s an instant classic (oh yeah, puns. It’s TNA, feel the humor).
More power from Mesias and we hit commercials.
We come back with further beatings for the dude who is challenging for the title. He looks so weak. So…very… weak as the beating continues. This is why Cage doesn’t work as a face. His hope spots are timed like crap… though in fairness, I don’t know if anyone can have a good match with Mesias.
Derek Kelley chimes in with, “It’s usually a good idea to make both a champion and challenger look weak in the show before a PPV.” Indeed it is.
Here comes Abyss with barbed wire wrapped around his fist. He goes after James Mitchell. Cage get the unprettier off the distraction. Well, good thing Cage needed a distraction to win before he goes after Angle.
Christian Cage defeats Judas Mesias (Pin, Unprettier, Dud)
So amazingly counterproductive.
Abyss attacks Mesias. AJ beats up Cage, but Christian turns it into a Texas cloverleaf (called a sharpshooter by Tenay), so Angle saves AJ. Cue Tomko and the heels retreat. Tomko helps up Cage and they shake hands. Cue the end of Impact! Hope you enjoyed it, but I’m never doing that again.
Check in next week for my Bound For Glory review, which is supposed to be one of TNA’s best PPVs ever. Make sure to come back and find out!