TNA World Title Match
Samoa Joe Special Enforcer
Kurt Angle (c) vs. Christian Cage
Brad Curran: Well, Angle’s supposed to be keeping the belt warm for Joe (at least that was the last thing I read from the dirt sheets via Iain). File that under believe it when I see it, but I don’t see Angle jobbing here under any circumstances, if for no other reason than that their formula is all about the heel holding on to the belt for as long as possible. It’s not a profitable or entertaining formula or anything, but they have a whole 5 years of tradition behind it, by damn!
Winner â€“ Angle
Danny Cox: Samoa Joe is going to be involved in every World Title feud we have in TNA, he just won’t be one of those fighting for the belt is all. My guess is that this leads to a Joe/Angle for the title with Joe finally winning it. Mind you that is a guess and what should be right, but this is TNA we’re talking about here.
Winner and STILL Champ – Kurt Angle
Mark Allen: Didn’t this exact same match, complete with Joe in the enforcer role, happen at last year’s Against All Odds event? *checks Wikipedia* Yes, I was right. The sad thing is I can remember the build to that match much better than I can remember/understand this build. I’m racking my brain now trying to remember how Cage earned his first shot against Angle in January. Oh, the match outcome? Somehow Angle will win, and the bout with feature supporting roles from a whole cast of characters including, but not limited to, Tomko, AJ Styles, Karen Angle, Samoa Joe, Matt Morgan, Misty the Rat, Kevin Nash and Bobby Knight. Just your typical TNA PPV main event.
Winner – Kurt Angle
Andrew Wheeler: Something about this match seems so familiarâ€¦oh yeah, because weâ€™ve just seen this. Well, without even watching TNA in months I can guess whatâ€™s going to happen: Joe will interfere, Angle will win and weâ€™ll get yet another tease for yet another Joe title run, which at this point will be about as anticlimactic as it gets in wrestling. I canâ€™t even say with full certainty that the match will be good because Angleâ€™s always touch-and-go, and the possibility of Sports Entertainment shenanigans is higher than Kurt himself will be in the match.
Winner – Kurt Angle
David Brashear: Much as Iâ€™d like to see Christian get another run with the title, now is not going to be the time. Angleâ€™s going to retain and keep on retaining until Joe finally takes the belt away.
Winner â€“ Kurt Angle
TNA Women’s Title
Awesome Kong (c) vs. ODB
Danny Cox: She’s not losing it yet. She’s a monster or something.
Winner and STILL Champ – Awesome Kong
Mark Allen: I love how supposedly there’s a booking committee of like five people who run the rest of the show but let Scott D’Amore run the Knockouts on his own. Wouldn’t the rest of the committee theoretically look over and see what a stellar job Scott is doing and maybe, you know, improve their own? Kong wins clean.
Winner – Awesome Kong
Andrew Wheeler: Say what you want about the WWE womenâ€™s division, but in any given match Iâ€™d wanna f#ck at least one competitor. Not here. Ye gads what a couple of beasts. Whatâ€™s that? TNA is trying to make their division legit? Because Shimmer was blowing the doors off the handles? Look, a womanâ€™s division serves one purpose only: mildly titillate while allowing the boys in the back some time to rest. Putting two pitbulls in the ring and letting them maul each other might entertain NFL players, but not wrestling fans.
Winner – Mike Bundy (c)
David Brashear: Pay attention, Vinny Mac. TNAâ€™s womenâ€™s division has been smoking the WWEâ€™s lately, and I believe itâ€™s going to again here tonight. We know Kong can go, and ODBâ€™s more than holding her own. Kong retains, and Vinny? ODB should look familiar. You used to have her all but locked for the WWE when she was in OVW. Donâ€™t worry, though. Iâ€™m sure Kelly Kelly vs. Ashley will be another match that gets five stars from Scott Keith, Meltzer, Alvarez, and the rest of the IWC.
Winner â€“ Kong
Brad Curran: No sense in derailing Kong’s title reign/dominance now. ODB’s over enough that she can take a loss and they could get a good chase out of it, not to mention the fact they’ll probably give her an ending that saves her some face. I’m just amazed that this feud, and the Knockouts in general, are pretty much getting the best (well, only good, really) booking on the show.
Winner â€“ Kong
6 Man Hardcore Street Fight
Team 3D & Johnny DeVine vs. the Motor City Machineguns & Jay Lethal
Mark Allen: I said last month that I knew Russo had at least one more month in him in regards to gimmicks/stipulations regarding this feud. That being said, this is all set up now to transition into wacky-Dudleyz-have-to-lose-weight hijinks. The good guys finally get the win and the blow-off here.
Winner – Jay Lethal and The Motor City Machineguns
Andrew Wheeler: Again, I donâ€™t watch the product for months and itâ€™s the SAME DAMN FEUD. Is this thing actually making money or is TNA just constantly losing a bet? Well, things could be worse for Bubba and Devon, they could be jobbing to Festus or Dustyâ€™s kid. Oh, and to the Motor City Machineguns, if youâ€™re going to be subjected to go-nowhere feuds with fossils, why not just go to the WWE? Kendrick and London need someone to feud with.
Winner – X-Divisionâ€¦why not? More importantly, who cares?
David Brashear: Should I just copy and paste my feelings from last month? The Dudleys need to hurry up and lose this feud and go away. Whenâ€™s their next Japan tour, anyway? Iâ€™m not even going to talk about how the Guns should be in tag title competition instead of wasting time here. Well, fingers crossedâ€¦
Winners â€“ MCMG & Lethal
Brad Curran – Well, you would think that our heroes would vanquish the washed up heels. I mean, between the fact that one member of their crew has a vested interest in not winning, lest his title belt cease to exist and the fact that the next PPV is called Destination X, you’d think that finish was a no brainer. But, you know, it’s Russo, and he loves the swerve and hates the obvious (and logical). So, even money that 3D wins here and they find some loophole to save the X-Division at the 11th hour. But I’ll pick the good guys here anyway, just because it’s what I’d like to see (if I were buying the PPV, that is).
Winners – The Guns and Machismo
Danny Cox: This will be pretty much the only match of the night worth watching (maybe Angle/Cage) and I even hate the Dudleyz. MCMG and Jay Lethal are the best things in TNA by far and I’m glad they are getting some TV time in what is to be considered a major feud. MCMG needs the tag straps and Lethal needs the X-title back now.
Winners – MCMG & Black Savage
TNA World Tag Team
AJ Styles & Tomko (c) vs. BG James & Bob Armstrong
Andrew Wheeler: Iâ€¦I just donâ€™t get it. Why is anyone paying money for this show? Scratch that. Why is anyone willing to fill their hard drive by torrenting this crap? Seriously? Weâ€™re doing the Armstrong crap again? I thought Tomko was supposed to be the â€œnext guyâ€ for TNA, you know, like Kaz. I couldnâ€™t care less if this match featured some sort of rodent on a pole. Speaking of which, where is Judy Bagwell?
Winner (and I use that term loosely) – Former World Champion AJ Styles and â€œNext Big Guy for TNA to Blowâ€ Tomko
David Brashear: See why I said above that the Guns should be going after these belts? That would mean that BG James and his papa wouldnâ€™t be. Actually, why are BG and Kip still around, anyway? Do they just not answer their phones when word comes out about possible releases?
Winners â€“ AJ & Tomko
Brad Curran: And here’s one of the many, many reasons why it’s been very hard for me to sit through Impact and/or write a column about TNA. Okay, that’s pushing it, and I swear I have other reasons for not writing about TNA than finding it extremely underwhelming for the last six weeks! But seriously; Bob Friggin’ Armstrong’s getting a tag title shot while LAX don’t even get on the show? To be fair, though, he is a step up in partners for his son; both because he’s undoubtedly a better worker and also does not dress like he bought his wardrobe at Torrie Wilson’s garage sale. That’s about as close to looking at the bright side as I can get when Road Dogg’s getting a title shot in 2008.
On the other side, we have wacky, mismatched tag team 2008 (not just in year, but in number, in a pleasant coincidence) in AJ and Tomko. As befuddling as it is that he’s getting it, I do think they’ve done a decent job with Tomko’s monster push, setting him up as a Batista-esque “monster with a brain”, even if it’s a little hard to stomach the fact that he’s defended the tag titles by himself and picked up a win over Angle in the last few weeks. AJ, on the other hand, is missing that brain thing and doesn’t even get to make up for it by amusing me with his goofball henchman character anymore. I used to really enjoy his promos, even if I could see why so many people hated it. Ever since he went from being Christian’s bitch to Angle’s, though, I haven’t been feeling it. I think I had an epiphany somewhere around the time when he was involved in some dumb ass skit leading up to the last pay per view and I thought to myself “Why in the hell are Kurt and Christian fighting over this doofus?” So I haven’t been able to enjoy most anything involving him since then. The fact that Karen Angle factors so heavily in to it doesn’t help, either.
Wow, that was a whole lot to say about such a lame feud. To try and cut this short before it gets really absurd, I’ll consult my homemade Russonian Algebraic Glossary to find out how he’ll book this one: From what I can tell, Wacky, mismatched partners>old guy/washed up guy who was last popular 10 years ago. Although there’s also the “whatever makes the least sense will happen, because surprising people is more important than being coherent” corollary to factor in. Then you have to carry the one. Ah, the hell with it, I’ll just guess.
Winners – Tomko and that other guy
Danny Cox: Cuz bringing Bob Armstrong in again is cool. Somehow I have a bad feeling about this so…
Winners and NEW Champs – BG Bob
Mark Allen: Going into tonight’s Impact I really thought that they might give Bob and BG the belts in kind of feel good moment or something, or just because Bob is OLD AND WACKY~!, and we all know how much Russo loves that. But after watching that stellar promo BG cut and seeing Kip James show up to give his “support” that was I all needed to see that Kipper is turning on BG and Bob at the PPV. SWERVES BABY~!
Winner – AJ Styles & Tomko
Booker T vs. Robert Roode
David Brashear: After Roode injured Sharmell, youâ€™d think that Booker would get the win. But this is Russo weâ€™re talking about. Sharmellâ€™s at ringside, Crazy Psycho Chick Manager goes after her, Bookerâ€™s distracted, Roode wins.
Winner â€“ Roode
Brad Curran: Roode’s one of these midcard guys that they seem to really want to get over. He gets an inordinate amount of TV time for promos, mixes it up with the top guys in the company on a regular basis, and is involved in two feuds at once (three, if you count all the matches he’s worked with Sonjay). But they never seem to be willing to pull the trigger and put him over anyone strong. It reminds me of WWE and A-Train way back when; it’s not that I want to see this guy become a major player, but if they keep pushing him, they might as well put him over. Depending on how long they plan on keeping this feud up, they may finally do that here, although a cheap win makes more sense to give both guys a reason to keep fighting each other. The fact that Booker didn’t immediately shoot up to the main event after jumping (well, after his first match in a PPV main event) seems to indicate this could go on for awhile, so I’ll go with Roode, delaying Booker’s revenge and probably keeping him busy until Slammiversary (Dusty named that, didn’t he?).
Danny Cox: Booker was brought in for this?
Winner – Robert Roode
Mark Allen: This has been booked as a nice, good old fashioned wrestling feud. I think there’s more mileage left in this feud so I say Roode gets a cheap win. That way Sharmell can come back for some mixed tag goodness and then an eventual Sharmell heel turn.
Winner – Bobby Roode
Andrew Wheeler: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Way to go Booker! Smartest decision of your life leaving the WWE! Seriously! F#cking brilliant! Not since you appeared on the Weakest Link have you looked more like a genius. You left a moneymaking gimmick and a slot on RAW to come to TNA and feud with a guy that lost clean to a retarded guy for almost a year? TNA has such little faith in you that they wonâ€™t even give you a title shot? Seriously, Iâ€™d almost feel bad if it werenâ€™t for the fact that YOU DID THIS TO YOURSELF! Hell, when Kurt left for TNA they practically handed him the belt. Screw that, they handed the belt to Christian. Even Jeff Hardy got an extended main event stay. I guess those years working for the GWF paying your dues wasnâ€™t enough that 20 years into your career you still need to pay them. To hell with you and your bullsh*t loyalty argument. I hope you and Roode stink up the place and get booed out of the building. Wait, Iâ€™ll do you one better. I hope Roode gets the win and thanks to TNAâ€™s crazy booking you never get the pin back. Enjoy your next feud with Goldust, you jackass.
Winner: Robert Roode
World Drinking title
James Storm vs. Eric Young
Brad Curran: I like both of these guys, but this feud makes me pine for the Roode vs. Young feud, which seems well paced and interesting by comparison. There’s really nothing better for these guys to be doing? I would find some humor in them doing a ladder match pretending to be drunk, though, so odds are I will be happy with this feud within the next six months.
Winner: Sobriety. In lieu of that, Eric Young
Danny Cox: Ugh!
Winner – James Storm
Mark Allen: Don’t care.
Winner – James Storm
Andrew Wheeler: I can just picture Vince and Jeff Jarrett sitting there with Dutch booking this show. â€œLook, fans are going to spend their hard-earned money on No Way Out to see the Elimination Chamber matches so weâ€™ve gotta hook them with something equally as compelling. I got it! How about a retarded guy and a redneck fighting for a drinking title! Brilliant! Give it 20 minutes! Oh, and can someone call Kaz and tell him heâ€™s not booked on this show.â€
Winner – Just to keep up appearances, Iâ€™ll pick a winner and say Eric Young
David Brashear: Iâ€™ll admit, I chuckled when I saw that the title belt was a spinner with a beer bottle glued to the front of it. And at least this is giving Eric Young something to do. And, for some reason, Storm is great as the drunken redneck trying to prove himself as the top drinker in the bar.
Of course, with Russo booking, weâ€™ll have World Champion Black Reign in a title unification match with Storm within six months.
Winner- Eric Young
Payton Banks vs. Traci Brooks
Danny Cox: Ugh again!
Winner – Traci Brooks
Mark Allen: This will drag on for awhile yet I’m sure so Peyton will win here.
Winner – Peyton Banks
Andrew Wheeler: A second womenâ€™s match? And this oneâ€™s over a ROBERT ROODE feud?! At least neither chick is as ugly as above. Well, I know Traci Brooks works for the always reputable Ringdivas.com where you can download a â€œmatchâ€ featuring TNA â€œsuperstarâ€ So Cal Val getting kicked in the crotch 20 times! Thatâ€™s right, they hype the match with that caveat. Who said wrestling fans werenâ€™t classy? Something tells me this one might be more technical than that one, but not by much.
Winner – Payton Banks
David Brashear: Theyâ€™ve built this up way too long to let Traci get the blowoff win here.
Winner â€“ Payton Banks
Brad Curran: Traci’s fighting with the woman who stole the job that she hated and wound up quitting. Meanwhile, Banks is stealing Tracy’s identity despite the fact that Roode hated her. Whatever you say, TNA!
Winner â€“ Traci
Case Vs. Case
Petey Williams Vs. Scott Steiner
Andrew Wheeler: So now weâ€™re fighting over suitcases? Next month itâ€™ll be an attachÃ© case ultimate X match. I guess TNA needed to figure out a way to screw Petey Williams out of his title shot and this does it conveniently. On the other hand, does TNA (i.e. Russo) do anything logical?
Winner – Scott Steiner (but wouldnâ€™t be surprised otherwise)
David Brashear: My prediction would be helped if I could remember who had which briefcase. Regardless, at the end of the day Steinerâ€™s got the world title shot and Peteyâ€™s in line for Lethal.
Winner â€“ Scott Steiner
Danny Cox: My how the mighty have fallen. And I honestly mean that for both Williams and Steiner. This is going to be awful.
Winner – Petey Williams