More Reasons Why Being Deaf Sucks/Rocks – Of Corpse!

I was less than satisfied with Tom Petty’s corpse performing the halftime show at the Super Bowl. There are numerous reasons why I didn’t dig it. First off, if you’re going to spend big bucks on a voodoo shaman to bring a corpse back to life, someone should made sure that he animated the corpse. That was a lifeless husk on stage and everyone who saw it knew it.

Second of all, it would have been cool if the zombie had played something from this millennium. For a second I thought he was starting things off with The Strokes “Last Night”, but it turned out he was just playing “American Girl”. Boy was I disappointed, not only because it’s such an old song, but also because it always reminds me of Silence of the Lambs.

Seriously, the most recent of the songs that he played were nearly two decades old. I work with guys who have shagged girls younger than the songs that Tom Petty’s corpse played. Let me put it in perspective; when those songs were released, they had videos that were played on MTV. That’s right, videos… on MTV… starring Tom Petty!

Don’t get me wrong; I was a fan of Tom Petty when he was alive. I have his Greatest Hits album and it’s good stuff. But his barely reanimated corpse had no business performing at the Super Bowl. Especially when there are plenty of other more talented corpses that could have been exhumed that would have put on a much better show.

Elvis Presley – Elvis’ corpse might have upstaged the teams playing in the Super Bowl—that’s how big this corpse is. He’s got a plethora of hits to choose from and they are songs that everyone’s familiar with. And think about the tie-ins with Viagra. The whole “corpse”-“stiff” thing practically writes itself.

James Brown – James Brown’s corpse also would have been a fine choice to play the Super Bowl, and he’s only just dead, relatively speaking. Have The Roots backing him and you’ve got a rollicking halftime show that everyone will be talking about the next day.

Adam Petty – OK, so this fallen Nascar driver isn’t a musician, but I’m pretty sure that this Petty would have put on a better show.

The Ramones – All of the kids now grew up on Blink-182 and Good Charlotte, who were inspired by the Ramones, so by exhuming them to perform it would be like a punk circle of life. And really, imagine how brief the show would be if it were the Ramones performing.

Liberace – The man was a hell of a showman. And while it might not have been a halftime show for everyone, I think that Liberace’s corpse would won some people over and made some fans.

Tupac – Ha! Made you look; Tupac’s not really dead!

Marvin Gaye – I’ll admit that Marvin Gaye’s corpse is a longshot. There’s a pretty strong chance that, given the current climate, Marvin Gaye’s corpse would have made a bit of a political rant. But, for me at least, it’d be worth it just for the performance. They could even exhume Tammi Terrell, too, for some of that great duet magic.

The Day The Music Died Revival – I know, I know, this is going way far back, but Ritchie Valens, Buddy Holly and the Big Bopper is a pretty decent concert. And when you fact in that the Super Bowl was 49 years, to the day, after their plane crashed, you’ve really got to wonder why Tom Petty was exhumed at all. Clearly, if you’re going there’s going to be an exhumation for the halftime Show of the Super Bowl, you go with those three.

With next year’s Super Bowl under a year away, it’s never too early to start trying to find a halftime act. And I’m sure that there are some out there wishing death on Bill Medley so that The Righteous Brothers’ corpses can perform a tame halftime show. But not me. Nope, I want Shaggy to die, because that’s one guy’s corpse who will put on halftime performance that will go down in the history books.