First of all, I apologize for not having a report last week. My laptop took a turn for the worse and the hard drive corrupted, leaving me with no computer for a week. I got that problem remedied and I now have a Dell. The minor issue I have with it is mainly with Vista, but Vista seemingly has low support with the fan boys of the XP era. Itâ€™s a computerâ€¦and it will work. Tonightâ€™s report is brought to you by Pulse Wrestling, your #1 source for everything wrestling.
Going around the horn, I see that we have results from last nightâ€™s abortion of what you would like to call an extended episode of Impact. The main event was predictable all the way to Tomko turning on Christian Cage. Everyone knew Angle had to retain the title so he and Samoa Joe can do the right thing and make a new star. However, we all forget that Vince Russo still breathes air and he will be the voice of reason that prevents Joe from being successful. So far, TNA has yet to show me why I should care about their â€œalternative to wrestlingâ€. Sorry Dixie, Jeff, Vince, and Dutchâ€¦the alternative is not making parodies of Stone Cold Steve Austin, Randy Savage, and so on so forth. The alternative is actually THINK of something creative that hasnâ€™t been done many moons ago. I could continue to dissect TNA, but Iâ€™ll save that for the column writers, who can go on for days on the topic. Moving on to a short recap of last weekâ€™s RAW.
Last week, Vince had an â€œasscialâ€. Seriously, he had a professional ass bufferer who seemed too gay for the televisionâ€™s taste. He smiled at Vinceâ€™s assâ€¦that was bad. You have to give credit to Vince, though. Heâ€™s one of the few people that will show his ass on national television and that was the one thing that forced the Writerâ€™s Guild to try to resolve their differences. They were sickened at the possibility of Vinceâ€™s ass being on NBC. Add to that a decent divas tag match that saw Mickie James get back on the winning side of things and an OK main event that seen five out of six participants of the RAW Elimination Chamber match face off, with Snitsky being added because Triple H had a family emergency. The funny moment last week was Hornswoggle taking a bite of Vinceâ€™s ass. The arm wrestling match was what was expectedâ€¦pure filler, which will be made into a match for tonightâ€™s show. This brings us up to speed.
Taped from Dallas, Texas
No opening video tonight as Hornswoggle makes his way to the ring for his no DQ match against daddy Mac.
Vince McMahon v. Hornswoggle
Match Stipulation: No DQ
The bell rings and Vince stands head to chest and he shoves Horny a bit. They lock up again and Horny takes another shove. Vince flexes and he drops down to Hornyâ€™s level. He invites Horny to slap him a good one. After a bit of hesitation, he does so. Vince takes off the belt and we are welcomed to Parenting 101. Finlay comes out, knowing that heâ€™ll most likely lose his job tonight. Vince has the mic and he berates Finlay. He says that Finlay is about to throw his career away. Vince tells Finlay to leave the business to him and leave the ring. Finlay turns his back on Vince and he calls Finlay a coward. Shaleigh shot connects! Horny nails the Tadpole Splash and the match ends.
Grade: C for comedic purposes
Vince glares after the match. Finlay will be fired tonight.
We are back and Vince is being tended to by the trainers. Regal comes in and he asks if he want to do anything to Finlay. Vince requests some dismissal papers and on we go to our next match. JBL makes his way to the ring.
John Bradshaw Layfield v. Chris Jericho?!
Match Stipulation: Standard Match
This is certainly unexpected. The bell sounds and both men can only stare. Jericho rushes into a Greco Roman lock. They back up to the corner and JBL tries to exert his size advantage. Headbutt connects and JBL keeps the pressure on, but Jericho comes back with a flurry of rights, sending JBL outside the ring. JBL is being abused on the outside as the referee counts to seven. Back inside the ring,. Jericho scores with the stiff kicks to the ribs and he follows up with a low shining wizard. Jericho pulls the nose, followed by biting JBLâ€™s forehead. JBL sends Jericho outside, but Jericho comes back in and he attempts the Walls, but JBL gets to the ropes before Jericho locks the move in. JBL tries to recover, but Jericho nails a baseball slide, sending JBL out the ring. Back inside the ring, Jericho nails a stinging chop. JBL gets a thumb to the eye to break the momentum for the moment. JBL nails a boot to Jerichoâ€™s face and he builds momentum. Jericho telegraphs a back drop and he scores a roundhouse kick! Springboard dropkick is countered to a big boot as we take a break.
We return as JBL nails the short arm Clothesline from Hell! He backs Jericho into a corner and he continues to beat into him. Jericho fights back, but JBL applies a sleeper. Jericho begins to fade and he collapses to the mat. JBL covers for a two count! JBL sets Jericho on the top turnbuckle. He climbs the ropes and he looks for the superplex. Jericho blocks it and he sends JBL flying. Flying forearm connects and he drapes an arm across JBL for two! Both men battle back up and Jericho brawls with JBL. Jericho mounts momentum, nailing an enzugiri! Missile Dropkick connects for two! Jericho hops into JBLâ€™s clutches. Fallaway slam by JBL is countered to a DDT for two! Jericho runs into a big boot. Clothesline from Hell is counteredâ€¦CODEBREAKER connects for the three!
Winner: Chris Jericho
Post match, Umaga runs in and he nails Jericho with the Samoan Spike. He follows up with a Samoan Spike to JBL, proving to all of us that money canâ€™t buy protectionâ€¦HA HA!
No Way Out promo.
We are back as we pimp Cena v. Henry tonight. We are joined by Mike Adamle, who reminds us that Cena will challenge Orton for the WWE Championship in six days at No Way Out! We go back to October 1, 2007, where Cena was injured by Mr. Kennedy and Randy Orton. Four months later, he wins the Royal Rumble.
Regal knocks on Vinceâ€™s door and he has the papers. He is pissed off and Vince has a change of heart. Vince makes a Steel Cage Match for next week involving himself and Hornswoggle. He says that Finlay will be forced to watch Parenting 201 in session. Yeahâ€¦whatever.
We are back and we have a great matchup coming tonight. Jeff Hardy takes on Shawn Michaels and who is this? Paul Burchill and Katie Lea make their way to the ring. Katie has the microphone. She seductively introduces her big brother. Whatever Katie wants, she getsâ€¦ This is too kinky for my tastesâ€¦
Paul Burchill v. Brian Kendrick
Match Stipulation: Standard Match
The match begins with Burchill taking it to Kendrick. Kendrick has a wrist lock applied, but Burchill goes to the ropes. We get another pimp for the dogs and Kendrick has an arm wringer in the ropes. Burchill pulls the arm out of the socket and Lea tries to get involved. Short arm clothesline connects for two as Burchill locks in an armbar. Kendrick no-sells the possible injury, arm dragging Burchill. Kendrick misses a splash and Burchill grabs both arms and puts a boot to the back. Neckbreaker connects and the match ends.
Winner: Paul Burchill
Last week, Cena owns Henry at arm wrestling.
Randy Orton makes his way to the ring to scout the upcoming match. He joins the commentary team as our next match is about to start.
John Cena v. Mark Henry
Match Stipulation: Standard Match
The bell starts and Cena is at a disadvantage. Henry nails the Worldâ€™s Strongest Slam at the beginning. He follows up with a hard punch. At the corner, Henry chokes Cena as Orton gloats about his success. Henry takes off the top turnbuckle padding and Cena mounts a comeback for a moment. Henry applies the Full Nelson before following up with a clubbing blow. Cena gets back up and Henry runs into the exposed turnbuckle. Cena applies the STFU for the tapout victory.
Winner: John Cena
Orton is silent as Cena stares a hole into him. He takes a mic and he talks to Orton. He notifies Orton that he is at 100%. Heâ€™s more focused than ever before and he calls Orton the hunted. Come Sunday, there will be no excusesâ€¦there is also No Way Out. Orton gripes on the headset and we take a break.
Mr. Kennedy comes out to the ring to call out Ric Flair. He gave Flair the option of forfeiting the match or do things the old fashioned way. Flair responds and he comes to the ring. Flair says that he and Kennedy are not on the same page. We get a history lesson. Flair wrestled more than Kennedy has ever wrestle in his life. Flair tells Kennedy that he wasnâ€™t going to forfeit the match. He just doesnâ€™t know, according to Kennedy. Flair tells Kennedy no again because he is a 16 time World Champion and Kennedy can respect that since he wants to win the title once. Flair gets intense and that pisses Kennedy off to where both men drop their mics. Kennedy backs off, but he nails a chop block on Flair. Kennedy mocks Flair before leaving. Flair gets back to his feet in spite of Kennedyâ€¦
WWE Rewind: Finlay interrupts Parenting 101 earlier tonight and helps Hornswoggle beat his father.
Next week: Vince v. Hornswoggle in a Steel Cage. Oh joy.
Yay, Divas. Melina and Jillian Hall walk down the ramp. Her opponent, being flanked by Santino Marella, Maria. This should be fun.
Melina w/Jillian v. Maria w/Santino
Melina takes Maria down in an arm wringer, but Maria nails a tilt-a-whirl kick. Melina nails a spear on Maria. Melina hangs Maria on the second rope and she nails a double knee to the chest. Maria gets a rollup for two, but Melina applies an octopus stretch as Santino is excited. Maria battles back, nailing a couple hopping clotheslines. She drives her butt to Melina and she nails a rib breaker, but Melina no-sells it. Melina hops on top, but Maria pushes her off and Maria nails a bulldog. She covers, but the referee lost his hearing due to Jillian Hallâ€™s screaming. She applies a lip lock of doom on Santino. That pisses Maria off and Melina rolls her up for the win.
Post match, Santino pretends that he had no idea, but the kiss reminds everyone what happens if Maria should pose for Playboy. Santino offers the ultimatumâ€¦Playboy or Santino. He says that he really loves her and he lip locks her. Talk about sloppy seconds right there.
John Cena teaches some NASCAR drivers to wrestle. Sadly, TNA offers actual wrestling involving NASCAR stars.
We get the card for No Way Out.
WWE Championship: John Cena v. Randy Orton
RAW Elimination Chamber: Triple H v. Shawn Michaels v. Jeff Hardy v. Umaga v. JBL v. Chris Jericho
SmackDown Elimination Chamber: MVP v. The Great Khali v. Big Daddy V v. Finlay v. Undertaker v. Batista
Ric Flair v. Mr. Kennedy – Career Threatening Match
World Heavyweight Championship: Edge v. Rey Mysterio
ECW Championship: CM Punk v. Chavo Guerrero(not announced, but rumored)
We get a promo for Triple H, who isnâ€™t at RAW this week.
Candice Michelle returns to RAW soon.
And it is now time for our main event! Shawn Michaels takes on Jeff Hardy in a non-title match, and that has a gripe from me. The Intercontinental Championship means little since the champion is fighting for the World Title, but a match like this deserves the title on the line. Least Hardy is wearing the title tonight.
Shawn Michaels v. Jeff Hardy
Match Stipulation: Non-Title Match
They meet in the center of the ring. They touch fists, but HBK gets a quick chop in. Michaels and Hardy go toe to toe and Hardy sends Michaels out. Plancha try doesnâ€™t work, but Hardy lands on his feet. He SLAPS the taste out of Michaelsâ€™ mouth! Back in the ring and Hardy works on a headlock. Back to a knee they go, then up to their feet. Hardy nails a shoulderblock and he runs into a sleeper, but Hardy nails a side slam to get out of it. Hardy has Michaels in a headlock, but Michaels gets back up. Hardy is sent to the ropes and is introduced to the elbow. Michaels chops away in the corner. Hardy sends Michaels to the turnbuckle and he oversells it. Hardy turns him inside out and he nails a superplex COUNTERED IN MID AIR INTO A CROSSBODY! That gets two! Hardy gets back on the offense, locking the head of Michaels again. Back to their feet and Michaels eats a couple shoulderblocks. Michaels sends Hardy out, but Hardy gets back inside. He eats a hard clothesline by Michaels and he takes over. Michaels sends Hardy to the corner, but Hardy evades the corner. Hardy nails an inverted atomic drop! He sends Michaels outside the ring and he follows up with a baseball slide. Hardy runs the rail and Michaels grabs him in mid air and he powerslams him on the outside!
We are back and Michaels clubs on Hardyâ€™s back inside the ring. Michaels whips Hardy from corner to corner, but Hardyâ€™s back gives out. Michaels gets two and he continues to test the back, driving his knee to it. Michaels applies a bow and arrow submission and Hardy is bleeding from the piercing. Hardy nails a couple elbows to get out of the submission. Michaels nails a backbreaker for two! Hardy tries to battle back, but Michaels scores a neckbreakerâ€¦for two! Michaels chops away again at the corner, following with a scoop slam. Michaels gets on the middle rope, but Hardy blocks itâ€¦only for Hardy to be caught up in a half Boston Crab! Hardy pulls at the hair to no avail, but he reaches the ropes. Michaels picks up Hardy, but Hardy continues to fight backâ€¦ENZUGIRI connects and both men are down! Michaels uses the corner for leverage. Both men are up and Michaels is introduced to the steel ring post! Hardy nails a high kick and both men are on the turnbuckle! Michaels gets out of the situation and he drops the elbowâ€¦.ON THE CANVAS! Hardy goes for a coverâ€¦for two and three-quarters! Hardy nails a wraparound lariat to buy some time. Both men are back up and Michaels gets sent to the corner. Hardy nails a turnbuckle dropkick for two! WHISPER IN THE WIND CONNECTSâ€¦FOR TWO! TWO! Hardy looks for the Twist of Fate, but Michaels counters to a facebuster! Michaels nails a shoulder on Hardy and he KIPS UP! Atomic Drop, Scoop Slam, Elbowâ€¦they all connect! He tunes up the band. Sweet Chin Music misses, but Michaels locks on the reverse Figure Four! Hardy gets to the ropes, OH MY GOD! Michaels gets back up, but Hardy kicks him off Sweet Chin Music misses again, but the Twist of Fate doesnâ€™t! SWANTON BOMB CONNECTS! Hardy gets the three! WHAT A MATCH!
Winner: Jeff Hardy
Sunday is No Way Out, keep it here on Pulse Wrestling for coverage throughout the week! Good night!
The Inside Pulse
The Raw Report Card
Hornswoggle d. Vince McMahon – C
Chris Jericho d. JBL – B+
Paul Burchill d. Brian Kendrick – C
John Cena d. Mark Henry – D-
Melina d. Maria – B-
Jeff Hardy d. Shawn Michaels – A+
Extra Credit: The Main Event
The Final Grade for RAW 2/11/2008: B
Tags: Raw, WWE