Monday Night Rabble

NEXT WEEK IS NO WAY OUT!

I’LL BE AT KATSUCON

LET’S HOPE I MAKE IT BACK

T H E
M O N D A Y
N I G H T
R A B B L E

Welcome to this, Douglas Adams day. All of us Hoopy Froods have gathered together to watch wrestling in the spirit that we can assume randomly that Adams would have loved. Making fun of it.

It’s a quiet night, but here are our Rabbleteers:
BILL – The Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal
JEFFREY – Vogon Captain Jeltz
MIKE – Fwoon The Mattress
..and me, your Paranoid Android, James Hatton

Hey, here comes Hornswaggle with Vinnie as the opening match… what a barn burner this should be!

VINNIE MAC vs. HORNSWAGGLE
Hmm..

They lock and Vince just pushes him out. How sad.

Again.

Vince is even giving him the chin square up. Horny gets the first shot.. but his little heart isn’t in it. Vinnie pushes him and Horny just doesn’t want to hit him!

Then he does.
Oh snap.. it’s on.” – Me

Vince responds with taking off his belt.
“Now use the BELT on me!” – Vince

So here comes Finley! Vinnie bails and grabs a mic and asks Finley how dare he interrupt this.
“BUY MY SHIRT!” – Mike as Finley

Vince says that he’s about to throw his family’s livelyhood out of the way.
“It’s ok, he’s got an NWS booking.” – Bill
“Is that true?” – Me
“No… but it COULD be.” – Bill

Vince threatens to fire him he doesn’t leave.
“So Vince is the English… and Finley is.. the Indians.” – Bill

Vince then leans into Hornswaggle and says that Finley is a coward. Finley retaliates with giving him the sheleighleigh..
“Did he wink?” – Mike

Finley sends Hornswaggle up to the top for the little frogsplash and the pin. Hornswaggle wins it. Wow.

WINNER: HORNSWAGGLE
“Hornswaggle just beat a former world champion.” – Me
“And a former ECW champion..” – Bill

COMMERCIAL ONE – 9:08

In the back Vince is getting iced.. Regal tries to ask him some questions and Vince just throws him out.

Now though, it’s JBL!

It’s Chris Jericho Time!!!!

JBL vs. Y2J
Money time!

Bell rings and they lock up with Jericho pushing JBL to the corner. JBL fights back and the ref seperates them.

JBL headbutts him and continues to kick the hel out of Chris. Jericho rolls out of a big hit and just starts pummeling JBL! They continue to fight it out on the outside. Slams JBL into the stairs and rolls him back in.

Field goal kick or two to JBL, and a low end dropkick. Weak snapmare into a chinlock and then biting the hell out of JBL’s face. He gets pushed off then tries to walk back in only to get tossed out.

Jericho RUNS in and drops JBL for the walls!
“Notice the codebreaker didn’t last very long…” – Mike

JBL gets to the ropes and it breaks the hold, only to have Jericho hit a ropechoker and baseball slide. Jericho wrecking JBL at this point. Chops in the corner. A thumb to the eye stops it though.

JBL hits a bunch of hard boots right to Jericho’s face. Picks him up and throws him to the ropes to eat a kick to the gut and then hits a spinning heel! JBL waits on the outside apron for the middle rope dropkick, but he eats A BOOT!
“Weird time to have a commercial….” – Me

COMMERCIAL TWO – 9:19

We’re back! JBL in the lead. Brings Jericho to the corner and just elbows and boots the shit out of him.

Jericho tries to fight back. Gets reversed into the ropes and right into a sleeper hold.
“There is only ONE man who has ever lost a sleeper hold..” Me
“Hulk Hogan. Three times.” – Mike
“Damn right.” – Me

So Jericho is on his back and JBL tries to go for a pin for two. JBL sets Chris up on the top turnbuckle. Then he just closed punches him down. He gets up there with him and they fight for the suplex. Jericho headbutt drops JBL though! Top rope shouldercheck with a pin for two.

Back on their feet.. they slap and punch it out. Jericho hits a cross body or two. SOLID enzuigiri. Up to the top he goes and a missle dropkick for two!

Both to their feet. Jericho goes for a crossbody, and he gets caught and somehow reverses it into a silly DDT.. but hey.. it worked. Arm on the rope ends it on two.

JBL stumbles up to the corner and Jericho charges in to duck the big clothesline! He turns and hits the codebreaker! That’s it!

They gave him a clean win? Oooo… here comes Umaga. Thumb poke of doom.

WINNER: JERICHO
“If I was going to hire someone.. I’d hire a samoan.” – Mike

But hey.. then Umaga goes and thumbpokes Umaga.
“Nevermind.” – Mike
“He’s doing what he was asked to. Protecting JBL from getting into the elimination chamber.” – Bill

COMMERCIAL THREE – 9:30

Tonight – John Cena facing Mark Henry..
“He can’t even fit on the screen!” – Mike

Now the XFL announcer.. Mike Adamle.
Why did they bring him back?” – Mike
“Aww, they surround him around deaf children.” – Bill

No Way Out build up.
“You hold the one thing that’s important to me.” – Bill

In the back, Regal is knocking on Vince’s door. He’s got the papers Vince wanted. Regal then makes fun of Vince’s ear… he’s not going to fire him.
“He’s just not going to pay him.” – Bill

He wants Hornswaggle in a cage?!?!? Oh christ.

COMMERCIAL FOUR – 9:39

Hey.. it’s Paul Birchhill with his “sister” who is actually quite lovely. Katie Lee Burchhill. Paul is looking good though. She starts talking about how massive and awesome he is…

And who does he face. Spanky!

SPANKY vs. PAUL BURCHHILL
Poor Spanky

Lock up and Paul drops him hard with a hammer lock. Spanky flips out of it and wraps Paul’s arm. He hits the ropes to drop the matchhold. Spanky punches him. Throw to the ropes and a HUGE armdrag.

Brings him to the ropes and Burchhill drops him! Katie rakes some eyes for a pin for two.

Back to the feet. Another armdrag. Paul is making him look really good. He hits a modified curb stomper and then hits a roll of the dice for a pin!

WINNER: PAUL BURCHHILL
“He should just use the curbstomp as his finisher.” – Mike
“Agreed, much more vicious.” – Me

In the back.. here comes Cena…

COMMERCIAL FIVE – 9:49
“Have I missed the woman’s match?” – Jeffrey
“No…” – Me
“Oh, good!” – Jeffrey

HEY! Randy’s here to talk.

Mark Henry.. big and ugly.

Now, John Cena.. dadeedatdoo…

JOHN CENA vs. MARK HENRY
10 O’Clock Spot?

Cena charges Mark. Caught. Slammed.
“So are people going to cheer Cena because they don’t like Henry?” – Jeffrey
“No.. this isn’t the enemy of my enemy is my friend.” – Me

Henry chokes Cena out in the corner. Henry hurls Cena into the corner, then throws Cena into a full nelson!

We yawn collectively and discuss the political race.

Henry charges Cena. He moves. Exposed turnbuckle. Flying shouldertackle. STFU. Done.

WINNER: JOHN CENA

Cena grabs the mic and tells Randy that he is ‘100% percent’.
“Dammit.” – Me

He keeps talking. We keep talking.

COMMERCIAL SIX – 10:03

KENNEDY!

He’s got the mic!

He’s asking Flair to bail out on the match… so here comes Flair!

“..woo.” – Bill

They get face to face and Flair seems to think they aren’t on the same page.
“I’m a slow reader.” – Bill

Flair tells him that it’s a history lesson. 35 years. Twice on Sunday. Twice on Wednesday. So people like Kennedy can wrestle once a month and make a lot of money.
“This is brilliant.” – Bill

Kennedy informs Ric that he doesn’t know what’s good for him.

Flair explains that Kennedy wanted him to come out to forfeit.. face to face.. he couldn’t be any closer.
“Mwah!” – Me

“I’ve been your world champion 16 times. I know you respect me, because you want to be that… once.” – Ric

Ric then cuts a badass promo about how he’s going to kick Kennedy’s ass.
“He only looks good screaming.” – Mike
“We’ve grown to accept his face as purple.” – Me

Kennedy then out of nowhere dropkicks Flair’s knee. Then.. he struts.. then bails.
“Kennedy and Flair = Gold.” – Me

COMMERCIAL SEVEN – 10:16

So next week – Vince and Horny in a steel cage… oy.

Now though, Melina and Jillian.
“Oh good. The women’s match.” – Jeffrey

MARIA! In gold! Santino intow.

MARIA vs. MELINA
Loverly

Melina goes with an armdrag sending Maria down. She nips up and reverses it! Hits a knee in the gut and a handstand kick to Melina. he stands against the ropes and Melina hits a shoulder check.

Melina sets her up on the second rope. The knee stomp from Melina. Roll up from Maria for two!

Melina with a big shoulder. Big elbows now and an octopus stretch from Melina. Maria rolls out of it and throws Melina to the corner with her own big elbow. Ducks a clothesline and hits her own or two.
“Clothesline from heck.” – Bill

She hits a butt bump and a knee drop, but Melina follows up with an eyepoke. Melina heads to the corner, she charges to push her off.. hits a bulldog and Jillian starts singing as Maria goes for the pin!

Jillian goes and kisses Santino! Maria eats a roll-up for the loss.

LOSER: MARIA!

Santino gets in the ring… and Maria looks awesome and pouty. Oh God.

Santino explains that THIS is what happens when you get wrapped up with a Playboy. He then explains all the Playboy models have been injured. Except Ashley, but she’s ugly… so says Santino.

This goes on to where Santino open mouth kisses her.. oof… yuck..
“That tastes like Chef Boyardee.” – Bill
“..and Pat Patterson.” – Mike

So next week, she decides.

COMMERCIAL EIGHT – 10:28

Shawn’s here for some reason… maybe to wrestle? NAHHHHHH!

SHAWN MICHAELS vs. JEFF HARDY
Oooo this could be good.

THey knuckle pound and Shawn hits a chop and a pin for two. Jeff hits a test of strength pin for two. Back on their feet, Jeff throws him over the top. Shawn tries to catch Jeff on the apron, but is denied so Jeff slides out and slaps him in the face. Oooooo.
“Shawn has given up selling for lent.” – Bill

Headlock takedown to Shawn back in the ring. They fight the collar elbow. Shawn throws Jeff to the ropes, and hits a sleeper, but Jeff hits a back suplex for two. Another headlock takedown.

Lots of headlocks takedowns…. but I’m deciding on Jelly Belly flavors.
“This match has never happened and you are sitting sorting jelly beans!” – Bill
“Funny that, it feels like a match I’ve seen before.” – Bill
“Because it’s Shawn Michaels now versus Shawn Michaels then.” – Mike

Finally Shawn hits the rope and he gets hsouldered down by Jeff… TWICE! Finally Jeff gets thrown over the top, but he skins the cat to get back in. Shawn clotheslines the shit out of him.
“Steal my spot, will you!” – Mike

Jeff reverses a suplex and hits a lungblower to his nuts… crazy. Then the spinning kick to send Shawn out. Baseball slide!

Jeff runs the rails and Shawn CATCHES and powerslams Jeff to the ground.. damn!

COMMERCIAL NINE – 10:48

We’re back with Shawn double axeing Jeff in the middle of the ring! Throws Jeff to the corner hard.
“He held the triangle button all the way..” – Me

Hurls him to the OTHER side of the ring. Single leg bow and arrow, but Jeff elbows otu of it.

Shawn brings him back to his feet. Backbreaker for two from Shawn!
“I’m predicting clusterfuck ending.” – Me
“I think organized work ending.” – Bill

Shawn goes to the top rope! He jumps and Jeff’s leg goes up… but Shawn catches it! Right into a single leg crab right in the middle of the ring.

Finally gets the ropes and Shawn drops the hold and they fight to their feet. Back and forth, but Jeff gets the enzuigiri to drop both of them.

Shawn throws Jeff to a corner. Charges and Jeff moves! Now Jeff punching him out in the corner. Throws Shawn hard to the corner, and the Shawn lying on the ropes to the top turnbuckle spot. Jeff runs up for a suplex, but now they are fighting hard. Shawn pushes him out!

Misses the elbow! Jeff rolls up for two! They get back to their feet and Jeff hits the ropes and gets his swinging clothesline. Back on their feet, Jeff clotheslines and charges SHawn into the corner. He hits the swinging dropkick for two.

Jeff tries to throw Shawn to the corner. Reversed. Whisper in the Wind! Two count.. wow.

Jeff back on his feet. Kicks Shawn to the corner. Shawn reverse out of it with a chinbreaker! Chopfest time. Shawn to the ropes, but he hits the shoulder check with the nip up!

Atomic drops. Up to the top. Hits the elbow! Tuning up the choir.
Jay – Eee – Ess – You – Ess – Denied the superkick. Jeff’s denied the Twist of Fate. Hits the Reverse Figure Four annnnd… Jeff fights to the ropes.. GETS IT!

Shawn runs up to try and hit a sharpshooter? He gets booted in the face. Shawn goes for the superkick! DENIED! TWIST OF FUCKING FATE!

Goes up – SWANTON – HOLY HELL!

WINNER: JEFF HARDY!!!

Interesting way to send us to No Way Out…

What did we think?
“Great. Dull parts, but great!” – Bill
“Standard, but great main event! And jelly bellys!” – Jeffrey
“Asshole.” – Mike
“Sorry, take away the Jelly Belly comment..” – Jeffrey
“No no, say it.. fine.. Loved the ending, and I love Jelly Bellys.” – Mike

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