Welcome once again to the Smackdown Crackdown. I’ve been having some issues with my signal lately, so there may be some things I had to leave out of the Crackdown this week. Let’s get to the action!
The intro video airs, reminding us all of the days when WWE wasn’t painful to watch. The Smackdown intro follows, leading us into the arena where the pyro goes off and we’re introduced to the show. I wasn’t able to actually get a good glimpse of the new Smackdown set last week and seeing it now helps me realize how ridiculous the Giant Fist O’Doom was. Smackdown is not live from Houston, Texas, home of Booker T’s PWA . Some goof in the front crowd has apparently made a cardboard spinner belt of the US Title. Ultra current reference there, buddy!
Batista cues his music and comes out to a big reception. His goofy pyro dance apparently distracts the pyro guys, who cue it a little late. Tonight, Batista faces one of his Elimination Chamber opponents in the US Champ, MVP. When was the last time MVP defended that title? He’s now the longest reigning United States champion since Rick Rude in 1991, but he hasn’t done ANYTHING with that title for months.
Match 1: Batista vs. MVP
Coach actually provides an interesting take on this matchup in the early going by talking about how Batista and Ric Flair are good friends and Batista might want to take things out on MVP due to some of the things MVP did to Flair. Backing up a friend, as it were. The two lock up, but are forced to break in the corner. Coach believes Batista’s experience in the Elimination Chamber gives him a “severe advantage.†Usually that phrase describes disadvantages. MVP’s headlock is countered with a shoulderblock from the Animal, so the US champ takes a break on the outside. The crowd chants Batista as he counters a body lock into an arm drag (!) and slams MVP, who rolls outside the ring again. Coach and Cole continue talking about this Sunday’s Elimination Chamber as MVP gets the better of the former world champ. Batista is able to turn the tables with some punches and a running kick for two. Batista follows with an overhead suplex for two. [Signal briefly cut out.] MVP regained the momentum with a drop toe hold into the buckle, but Batista got out of the way of a charging MVP. Michael Cole called Batista the “consummate total athlete,†which is redundant and repetitive. Batista got the advantage and started working the leg of MVP. Somebody in the crowd has a sign that says “Hello Phil.†Well, hello right back at you, reader! MVP leapt over a charging Animal, but was met with a chop block. Batista, apparently realizing that Ric Flair is his friend, applied a rather loose figure four leglock, the move that Flair used to beat MVP at the Royal Rumble. MVP made it to the ropes as Coach talked glowingly about Batista’s tribute to Naitch. I thought Coach was a heel?
Back from break Batista hit some power moves but was met by a knee to the skull. MVP threw Batista into the steel post but he didn’t come close to making contact. MVP got a two count out of it however, and went to work on Batista’s left arm. MVP stomped a mudhole in Batista, and rolling to the outside, applied a hammerlock around the bottom rope. WWE Sign Guy and his stupid little hat are in the front row, yelling at MVP with this goofy zombie-like look on his face. Reentering the ring, MVP showed Batista how you’re supposed to hit a boot to the face, for two. Batista escaped MVP’s arm submission by hitting a retarded looking arm drag, but MVP threw Batista out of the ring. MVP sent Batista into the steel steps and reapplied an arm submission back in the ring. MVP and Batista had a tug of war with each other’s arms wrapped around the ring post, but Batista won it. Batista then drove MVP backfirst into the ring apron. Batista came off the top rope with a shoulderblock for two. MVP caught the Animal with a kick, but was hit by a Spinebuster. MVP countered out of the Batista Bomb and got a rollup for two. MVP sent Batista almost into the post again, but Batista recovered enough to hit a Spear. Batista sent MVP into the post twice before hitting the Batista Bomb for the win.
Your winner, by pinfall, Batista! Pretty good match between two of the six possible #1 Contenders, though MVP’s been on such a cold streak of late that it’s really times to take the US Title off of him.
After the match, Batista celebrates as MVP tells ring announcer Justin Roberts to announce him as still the United States champ. At least SOMEONE remembers.
Backstage, Edge is visibly nervous in the locker room. The Edgeheads come in and talk about their big match tonight, asking Edge for some advice. The World Champ tells them he’s always there for them, but tonight he has to be alone.
Back from commercial, the Edgeheads enter the arena for an eight man tag team match. Deuce and Domino are out next, as Cole asks Coach if Edge is really going to propose to Vickie Guerrero tonight. Well, there goes all the suspense for that angle. The next team out are Shannon Moore and Jimmy Wang Yang. The final team out consists of Jesse and Festus. Here we go for some action too fast to call.
Match #2: The Edgeheads/Deuce/Domino vs. Shannon Moore/Jimmy Wang Yang/Jesse/Festus
The bell rings, so Festus snaps and catches one of the Edgeheads with a clothesline and a leaping Mike Awesome shoulderblock. He slams the Edgehead and tags in Jesse, who hits a Brother Ray senton for two. Shannon Moore tags in and gets two off the sunset flip. Shannon works on the Edgehead but gets distracted by the other one so that the original Edgehead retakes control. That’s a bizarre sentence, I know. The Edgeheads tag and Edgehead 2 hits Moore with an overhead suplex for two. Deuce tags in. Several seconds of dead air pass before Coach asks Cole “was it really a two? I could’ve sworn in was six, Michael.†This man sucks. There’s no redeeming qualities about him, he isn’t even a good heel. Cole wisely doesn’t dignify Coach with a response. Domino tags in, but Shannon kicks him off and tags the former Akio. Wang hits a cross body off the top rope and attacks Heel Corner. Wang refocuses on Domino with any number of kick variations for two but the Edgeheads interfere and things break down. Shannon Moore and Jesse hit stereo aerial moves on the Edgeheads on the outside as Jimmy Wang Yang hits a moonsault press for the win.
Your winners, by pinfall, Shannon Moore/Jimmy Wang Yang/Jesse/Festus! What can I say, it was a short little eight man tag where the popular face tag team got the pin on the jobber heel tag team.
After the match, Deuce, Domino and the Edgeheads ambushed Moore Wang and Jesse as Festus returned to his stoic (read: lobotomized) state. Jesse managed to ring the bell again though, and Festus attacked, hitting the Albert kick on an Edgehead and not quite succeeding in throwing Deuce out of the ring (Deuce appeared to ram his head into the turnbuckle and just seemed to collapse out of the ring. Pretty bad botch). Jesse rang the bell again, returning Festus to happy land. WWE Sign Guy’s sign says “Is Festus the Guy Who Married Angelina Jolie?†No, he’s not Billy Bob Thornton, he’s Imposter Kane.
Backstage, a makeup lady did her thing to Vickie Guerrero’s face, as Teddy Long stood in the background.
After commercial, Torrie Wilson’s old theme hit, but Michelle McCool came out to little reaction. They showed a replay of last week as Chuck Palumbo finally got a victory on Jaime Noble. Victoria came out as her opponent, and mocked Michelle by making the universal “you’re a crybaby†handsign. Awesome.
Match #3: Michelle McCool vs. Victoria
Before the match could begin, however, Chuck Palumbo entered the arena. Michael Cole asked “what brings Chuck Palumbo out here tonight?†The answer to that is a Harley-Davidson. The match began as Michelle tried to act distracted, but took Victoria down with a firewoman’s carry for two. Victoria took advantage of Michelle’s distractedness and locked on a Trish Stratus top rope headlock. Michelle got out of it and went up top as well, but crotched herself for some reason as Chucky revved his engine. Michelle and Victoria exchanged rights on the top rope and both women tumbled to the floor. Michelle hit a clothesline back in the ring. Chuck’s distractions got the best of Michelle though, and Victoria hit the Widow’s Peak for the win.
Your winner, by pinfall, Victoria! Eventually this string of wins by Victoria has to lead somewhere, right? Palumbo’s presence and nutty engine revving sort of made sure this match didn’t really go anywhere, but it advances the storyline with he and Michelle.
After the match, Palumbo took his shirt off and the microphone. Chuck stalked Michelle, who flopped around the ring not trying to, you know, leave it. Chuck asked if she enjoyed what’s happening between him and Noble, but said she better get used to it.
Following commercial the Taker cued the Gong, to a massive reaction. They showed an angle from the view of fans recording Undertaker’s entrance on their cameras. Thought they were cracking down on that. Big Titty V was out as his opponent in this second match of Chamber opponents.
Match #4: The Undertaker vs. Big Daddy V
[Signal cut out.] Michael Cole said that Big Daddy V goes 500 pounds, although ring announcer Justin Roberts said tonight that he weighed in at 487. Taker hit some elbows and a headbutt before working on the arm of V. Promo God Matt Striker tried to get involved, but Taker knocked him off the apron. V hit a clothesline and tossed the Deadman out of the ring. Striker caught Taker with a kick as V came out and hit a Big Show chop. V bounced Takers’ face on the steps. V decided not to go for the Walrus Dryhump, so Taker avoided the Avalanche and hit a clothesline. Taker hit the Old School and knocked Big V out of the ring. The former champion hit a ring apron leg drop and a DDT for the win.
Your winner, by pinfall, The Undertaker. I like the finish here, but it sort of irks the idea that matches can only be won with finishers, weapons or countouts. I like that a match ends unexpectedly here and there, but with these two men in the Elimination Chamber this weekend, it makes Big V look somewhat weak.
After the match, Matt Striker tried to revive Big Titty V, but Undertaker pulled him out of the ring, throwing his face into the steps, and chokeslamming him midring before locking on a triangle choke. Cole and Coach don’t know what a triangle choke is, despite Taker using it on and off for the last two years or so. Striker bled from the mouth to help it appear more deadly.
Backstage, Edge is still nervous. Coach and Cole briefly talk about No Way Out before they send it to a Elimination Chamber package. The quick editing make it difficult to tell if Chris Benoit makes some sort of appearance in the background of some of these shots. The No Way Out card is pimped out some more.
Kane’s pyro hit, causing some fans to flinch. Awesome!
Back from commercial, CM Punk cued his music to wrestle as Kane’s partner. Their opponents this week will be Shelton Benjamin and Chavo Guerrero. Sometimes a team gets thrown together and that team’s previous history just doesn’t let it work. Anyone else remember Shelton’s feud with Kerwin White?
Match #5: CM Punk/Kane vs. Shelton Benjamin/Chavo Guerrero
Chavo gets the offense on Kane thanks to a distraction by Shelton, but Kane comes back with a gorilla press. CM Punk tags in to stomp a mudhole in Chavo, slam him, and hit a pretty weak leg drop. Chavo hit a European uppercut and tags in Shelton Benjamin. CM Punk vs. Shelton Benjamin. The potential in this matchup is limitless but we won’t see much of it tonight. Shelton gets some vicious looking punches but Punk catches him with a dropkick. They exchange some light offense before Shelton sends Punk into the buckle. [Signal cut out]. Chavo Guerrero hit a frog splash on Punk for two. Chavo distracted the ref so Shelton could choke Punk. Shelton tagged in and picked up CM in a powerbomb position, but Punk got out and hit a kick. Cole: “CM Punk uses his legs as weapons.†Dee dee dee. Punk made the tag to Kane while Shelton tagged Chavo. Kane ran over the ECW champion with power moves and almost failed to get Chavo over in a back body drop. So they did the same move over again. Ah the magic of editing… Kane hit a sideslam and a top rope clothesline for two. Shelton got involved but Kane caught both men in a choke. They got out of it and CM Punk made a blind tag. Both men hit variations of clotheslines on Shelton and Chavo. CM Punk took Chavo up in the airplane spin before hitting the Go 2 Sleep for the win.
Your winners, by pinfall, CM Punk and Kane! Good tag match that combines two feuds into the same timeframe. Chavo takes yet another pinfall loss to CM Punk in a non title match, so that means he’ll likely retain at No Way Out.
CM Punk and Kane celebrated after the match while Chavo retreated with his title belt. Punk taunted Chavo with the universal “go to sleep†handsign.
Back from commercial, they aired a package on Orton’s attack on John Cena in October. WWE credits Orton with the injury although he actually suffered it in his match with Mr. Kennedy. The more we hear this story, the more it seems that the original 6 months to a year diagnosis for Cena seems like bunk.
The Great Khali cued his music for the final match of the night. Finlay cued Hornswoggle’s music (that song makes me cringe) and made his way out as well. Damn, Hornswoggle’s music does not fit a man who loves to fight at all.
They aired a recap of Hornswoggle’s Kiss My Ass club segment. Just stop that garbage. Then they aired a recap of Hornswoggle’s “match†with Vince last week. Less said the better.
Match #6: Finlay vs. The Great Khali (3?)
Nick Patrick, nWo referee, oversees this match. [Signal cuts out, the weather doesn’t like Khali either.] Khali chokes Finlay with his boot, but Finlay snaps him over the ropes. Khali hit a clothesline and a slam before locking in a Tongan death grip. Cole says Khali’s hands are like NFL Footballs. What? Finlay escaped but ran into a boot. Finlay avoided a clothesline, but jumped into a two handed choke bomb which almost caused Khali to lose balance and fall atop the Irishman. Hornswoggle tried to interfere but a shillelagh show didn’t affect Khali. Hornswoggle kicked Runjin Singh but Khali shoved him to the mat. This distracts nWo Nick Patrick and Finlay hits two shillelagh shots for the win.
Your winner, by pinfall, Finlay! Khali got to dominate for awhile, but Finlay used his great wrestling skills (read: foreign object) to pick up the win.
Finlay and Horny celebrated a big win as replays aired.
Teddy Long wheeled Vickie Guerrero out to the ring as all the typical props for a WWE “love storie about to go awry†storylines have. Lots of flowers, balloons, heart shaped rugs and a violin group. The violin group was very talented and fun to listen to, I must say, though watching Edge approach the ring to the sound of violins was most unusual. Edge enjoyed it as well. Unfortunately, my signal cut out for good right as Edge placed his World title on one of the turnbuckles, so I missed the rest of the show.
Favorite Match: Shelton/Chavo vs. Kane/Punk. Good action, not too fast, and competitive. Kane kept up nicely with the little guys.
Least favorite match: Finlay vs. Khali. Khali is bad, plain and simple, and the only offense I saw Finlay get was a neck crank on the ropes and shillelagh shots.
Hope you enjoyed the show, keep your teeth clean!
The Inside Pulse
Batista beat the US Champ MVP.
Moore/Wang/Jesse/Festus beat Edgeheads/Deuce/Domino
Victoria beat Michelle
The Undertaker beat Big Daddy v
CM Punk/Kane beat Chavo/Shelton
Finlay beat Khali.
