Pulse Wrestling’s Real-Time Coverage of WWE No Way Out 2008

Hi-ho, Steve Murray here. I’m rested, I’m ready – let’s do this thing. (Yup – I’m back, baby. Miss me?)

Three pre-PPV notes:
– WrestlingObserver.com says that Rey Mysterio WILL appear tonight despite a possible full bicepts tear. I guess we’ll find out in a few hours if they are planning an injury angle.
– PWInsider says that the Raw Elimination Chamber match is slated to be the final match.
– PWInsider also says that Kane beat Shelton Benjamin in a pre-show dark match, following a chokeslam.

Wow, fireworks are cool in HD.

Here’s the deal, folks: I have neither watched or read anything about WWE since June of last year. I am going into this blind, outside of what I saw on WWE.com earlier today about the card. Should be fun.

We start with a nice video package concerning the Elimination Chamber. (That voice-over dude must have started smoking 3 packs a day in the womb.)

And we are LIVE, from Vegas, baby – Vegas!

First match: ECW Championship: CM Punk vs. Chavo Guerrero(c)

Recap: Chavo took Punk’s title. Punk ruined Chavo’s fiesta celebration by pulling the El Kabong. Then, Punk threw Chavo in the Gulf of Mexico. And that pretty much brings us to today.

Nose-to-nose, slap from Chavo, big roundhouse from Punk. Tilt-a-whirl backbreaker from Punk for 2. Punk charges the corner, gets tossed outside. Back inside, Chavo’s in control, and taunts Punk with the title, and some kicks. Chavo with the leg scissors (kinda early for a rest spot, ain’t it?). Punk out with a monkey flip to the top turnbuckle. Coupla knees, back body drop, gets caught in another corner charge, comes back with a nice powerslam for 2. Punk gets him up for the GTS, but Chavo counters with a rana, and then a nasty Tornado DDT, for 2 (and a half). Punk with an enzuguri for 2, and gts two of the 3 Amigos. High knee in the corner, followed by the bulldog for 2, foot on the ropes. Another GTS setup, Chavo grabs the top rope. Punk tosses him, and follows with a huge roundhouse to the face. Set up for a SUPERPLEX, Chavo counters, Punk takes out the legs, goes for a 2nd rope rana, Chavo holds on, gets the frog splash… 1-2-3.

WINNER: Chavo Guerrero

Video recap of Rey Dropping the Dime on Vicki Guerrero. While she was in a wheelchair. You stay classy, WWE. Backstage to Rey, who refuses to apologize, and promises to take the title tonight. Then, Floyd Mayweather makes a very random appearance. Ookay.

Second match: Smackdown Elimination Chamber: MVP vs. Big Daddy V vs. The Great Khali vs. Finlay vs. Batista vs. The Undertaker

MVP has a “black and camo” them going tonight. Even the nose strip is coordinated – nice. BDV needs a shirt – badly. (For my sanity, if nothing else.) My five-year-old son Donovan sees Batista enter and asks “Why is he wearing just his underwear?” Soon after that, he decides that The Undertaker is now his favorite wrestler – ahhh, the benefits of a good entrance. I explain to my son that the Elimnation Chamber is kind of like a Pokemon arena, but with lots more metal.

Batista and the Undertaker start, with lots of punches (to no one’s surprise). Batista gets tossed over the top rope to the steel walkway, and UT follows up by scraping his head against the chain. Lots more punching and kicking, with UT beating down Batista in the corner. I convince Donovan that nobody really gets hurt, as Batista comes back with a high elbow off the ropes for 2. Countdown to the next entrant, lights go off, and it’s… Big Daddy V. Oh, yay. Donovan: “That guy’s FAT! Is he a dinosaur?” V beats up both guys, with a body slam to UT, and a “skillet sized” open hand slap to Batista. UT actually get knocked through the door to the outside (not sure if that was a mistake or not). V with a charge to UT against the steel, then to Batista in the corner, but gets countered with a spinebuster (!) from Batista. Donovan is impressed: “He picked up the round guy! How did he do that?” UT with a DDT to BDV on the steel platform, Batista covers for 3. Batista goes for a cover on UT, but only gets two. And, we get the light show again – this time, it’s the Great Khali. Headbutts, chops and elbows abound. UT motions for the chokeslam to Khali, countered to the two-hand chokeslam, 1-2-kickout! More punching, and Khali then… umm, masssages Batista’s forehead? Oh – that’s a move now? The Khali Vice Grip – huh. Okay. Batista counters with a spear, UT hits him with.. something. UT goes after the Khali’s interpretor, then locks in… “that submission maneuver”, as described by Michael Cole (gee, thanks guys). Looks like some kind of triangle choke, wit a leg scissors. And Khali… taps out? Really? Oh – and he’s bleeding from the mouth. Batista and UT again – UT with a kick to the head against the chain. Another light show (convenient timing), and it’s Finlay, who can’t wait to get into the ring. And then get kicked in the head by the Undertaker. Ah well – enthusiasm still counts in my book. UT goes a high boot in the corner and misses. Finlay goes after Batista, and tosses him out. Celtic Cross on UT, 1-2-no! Finlay outside to beat on Batista, but gets a monkey flip into the chains. UT and Batista beat on each other, UT with a big clothesline, Finlay wisely covers for 2. Finlay pummels on UT outside the ring. He bounces UT’s head off of MVP’s chamber and badmouths him, then tosses UT right through the plexiglass in an empty chamber. But, he gets shoved into the STEEL by Batista while celebrating. Batista with a superplex for 2. UT back in, when the crowd starts counting down – so UT goes to wait for MVP and pulls his door open, much to MVP’s displeasure. MVP, of course, gets the beatdown. UT and Batista AGAIN – UT with a big boot. MVP finally gets in, with a kick to Batista’s jaw, and a jumping roundhouse to UT – for 2. MVP chokes out Finlay with a chain, for 2. Wraps the chain around his fist, and pummels UT. Taunts the crowd, 2 count, UT is bleeding. Running boot to Finlay, running boot to Batista, chain-wrapped fist to UT. Ut takes the blows, gives him the “Come on!” sign, takes more blows… MVP hops to the top of one of Finlay’s pod. UT follows, MVP continues to hit him with the chain – UT grabs MVP with one hand, and beels him off. Finlay covers, 1-2-3. (Cole calls it a “reverse chokeslame – sure, dude.) Then, in the corner, up pops a small dirty smiling face – it’s a Hornswaggle sighting! He tosses the sheleilagh to Finlay, who puts it to good use. Until Bastista hoists him up for the powerbomb – but Batista counters with a sheleilagh to the head! 1-2-no! Finlay goes after UT, gets caught with a chokeslam to the outside – 1-2-3. So, it’s down to Batista and UT. AGAIN. And they’re both bleeding -0 about 0.25 Muta each. The crowd makes it allegiance clear: UT punch “YAY!” Batista punch “BOO!” Batista gets a kick, tries for the powerbomb – gets it! Slow to cover, 1-2-no! Into the corner, punches to 12… UT up, counters with a Last Ride. Ver-r-r-r-r-y slow cover, 1-2-no. (Duh.) More punches. Thumb to the throat, up for the Tombstone, Batista out, tosses UT over the top. To the outside, grinds UT’s face ainst the chain, then lawn darts him into it. Tries again, UT counters, flip over the ropes, right into the Tombstone! 1-2-3!

WINNER: The Undertaker

After the match, both men do a great job of selling the wear and tear. UT gives the crowd a nice moment by giving a dramatic point to the WM XXIV sign up in the top of the arena.

Edge is backstage with… well, what looks like two slightly smaller Edges, one of whom got a sunburn form being in the tanning bed too long today. Oh, here’s Teddy to explain everything. Yeah, ok – Hawkins and Ryder (I’m assuming it’s spelled with a “y”) are banned from ringside.

Ashleigh and Maria at the Playboy Mansion. Adam Carolla! The HOFF!!! Somebody please get the man a hamburger, for Pete’s sake. Hiro! HEF!! Ashleigh, BTW, looks like hell.

Third match: Career Threatening Match: Mr. Kennedy vs. Ric Flair

Kennedy gets his “drop down microphone” *on the ramp* during his entrance. Why? Cuz he’s that cool, that’s why. Kennedy with a shoulder-block, and a mocking strut. Flair with a big chop (WHOO!), and his own strut. Little back and forth, Flair gets a hip toss, Kennedy gives me the “Okay, yeah, alright” look. (Hey, Li’l Naitch is the ref! Awesome!) Kennedy with a dropkick to the left knee, and the match gets its first big turn. Half-Boston Crab, break in the ropes. Beating outside the ring, and Kennedy gets the Bret Hart figure-four around the ringpost – NICE! Back in the ring – taunting, and a smack in the face – 2 count. And Kennedy.. goes to school! The crowd – boos? Okay. Flair fights, biting his own fingers (?), and makes it to the ropes. Kennedy does the strut, then grabs the knee to mock some more. Flairs comes back with… wait for it… chops. Kennedy with a fireman’s carry forward roll for 2. Tries again, Flair’s out, chopblock. Chop, chopblock (I’m noticing a pattern). Tries a figure four, tosses into the corner, Kennedy grabs the tights.. and shows us all WAY WAY more than we needed to see. I mean – REALLY. Uh – two count, cuz Kennedy put his foot on the ropes like a good heel. But wow – the damage is done. Another figure 4 by Flair, small package – 2. ANOTHER figure four – got it! Middle of the ring! TAPPING!

Winner: Ric Flair

Backstage, Vince gives Finlay a bunch of crap about Hornswaggle, and “the tough love I’m going to give my son.”

Video recap of Rey, Vicki, and Edge.

Fourth match: World Heavyweight Championship: Rey Mysterio vs. Edge(c)

Edge starts with the heavy mocking of Rey’s arm (which, yes – heavily bruised). Rey counters with an arm drag and kick to the thigh. Off the ropes, head scissors by Rey. Out of the corner, big boot by Edge. Slide dropkick to the outside, into the steps. Back in… Edge works on the arm. Rey kicks to counter. Up to the top, Edge goes for the slide, Rey moves, Edge crotches himself. Moonsault for 2. DDT for 2. Sunset flip, Edge gets out, ducks, Rey throws him into the ropes, 619! Second rope body-press, Edge counters with a spear. 1-2-…3? Oh. Okay.

Winner: Edge

Due to technical glitch, Matthew Michaels is taking over here; look for Steve’s replaced commentary tomorrow morning…

And hey – It’s The Big Show! Yeah, it’s the big bad show tonight. He looks pretty decent, though still bald. Some talk about his comeback, etc… then he gets irritated at the fact that Rey-Rey is taking too long-long to get backstage – so he beats on the little guy a bit. TBS then throws a little trash talk to Floyd Mayweather, who decides to get in the ring (along with all 78 members of his entourage). But then it gets really good, as Show gets down to one knee, and Floyd proceeds to bare-knuckle hit him with the right-left-right-left, legit BREAKING his nose and bloodying his mouth. Show chases him through the crowd, but Shane O’Mac and security hold him back. Nice. Hope this goes somewhere.

Fifth Match: Randy Orton vs. John Cena for the WWE Championship

Cena goes for a couple of quick two counts right off the bat (he knows how to pull an inside cradle off the collar-and-elbow tie-up? huh). The crowd starts up a “Let’s Go Cena! Let’s go Orton!” chant, which surprises me a bit. Orton takes over, with lots of punches and blows to the head. Cena with a bulldog, and another quick 2 count. Elbows off the rope for another 2. Orton comes back, poses, and gets rolled up for 2. Clothesline from Orton for 2. More punches. More “Let’s go Cena! Let’s go Orton!”, though the crowd isn’t quite organized enough. Cena back with a legdrop from the top rope (!) for 2. Orton with.. more overhand rights. Cena gets the fireman’s carry, but Orton elbows out, and throws a European uppercut. A buncha stomps, and then Orton goes after the left shoulder. (Some chick in the front row is REALLY on Cena’s side.) Cena with a comeback, but the blind charge hits turnbuckle. Orton with a sleeper. Cena fights out, gets the shoulderblocks, and the back suplex. (with a nod to the WM sign). “You can’t see me”, 5 knuckle shuffle, fireman’s carry – Orton wiggles out and goes outside. Cena follows, more brawling. Both jump back in the ring when the ref gets to 9. Orton gets a backbreaker, but hurts his knee in the process. 2 count. In the corner, superplex countered, Cena misses the legdrop. Orton stalking, RKO countered to a suplex, and the STFU. Orton makes the ropes, crawls outside, and tells the ref to “Count me out!” Cena is having none of it, but gets caught by an RKO on the floor. Cena crawlw back in just in time to beat the 10 count. Face off — and Orton smacks the ref for the DQ. A pissed-off Cena gets the FU, and the STFU afterwards.

Winner: John Cena

The Chamber lowers for the second time…

Sixth Match: RAW Elimination Chamber for a title shot at Mania – Jeff Hardy vs. HHH vs. Umaga vs. JBL vs. Chris Jericho vs. Shawn Michaels

All six men were in the ring together by the time the match REALLY got going, with Jericho eliminating JBL first, but Bradshaw was a spoil-sport and hit everyone with a chair before he left (everyone meaning Umaga, Jericho and HBK). Jericho also pinned Umaga after the Samoan Bulldozer took everyone’s finishers in a row, but Michaels superkicked Y2J allowing Hardy to pin him. HBK was out after a Twist of Fate and Pedigree (HHH got the pin), and it was down to Hardy and Hunter. This went down to the wire, with Hardy even kicking out of a Pedigree~!, but the night was HHH’s… as he won his THIRD elimination chamber match with a second Pedigree, on a chair, after reversing out of a Twist of Fate attempt. Really awesome match, and it looks like we either have HHH vs. Orton or a three way with those two and Cena at Mania.

Winner: HHH

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