EVERYTHING HAS CHANGED!
TAKER & HAITCH GOING TO MANIA!
BIG SHOW FACING LAWRENCE TAYLOR!
T H E
M O N D A Y
N I G H T
R A B B L E
So I didn’t see No Way Out… Nobody died, so I feel as if I didn’t miss much. Big Show reappeared to set up a strange angle. Taker won. Haitch won. Flair lives.
Where match quality was apparently fairly high, I was at home, sick, watching Josie & The Pussycats (one of the most highly underrated movies ever.)
So let’s get to the Rabblin… shall we?
JEFFREY – Mr. Witherbee
BILL – Jughead
HERNANDEZ – The One Spanish Kid in Riverdale.
“Wait, I’ve never been to Riverdale..” – Hernandez
JENNA – Sabrina
MIKE – Alan M
And your Betty AND Veronica, Me, James Hatton.
Tonight, McMahon is facing Hornswaggle in a steel cage. I have no idea why I’m here.
Oh, right… Triple H.
Hunter explains that a year ago he was sitting in the gorilla position, not going to Mania. This year, the Game has returned.
And that cues Randy Orton!
So Randy discusses the history between Orton and Haitch. Explaining that Haitch is JEALOUS of Randy. Four years ago, he brought him out for Evolution…
“Fourscore and fuckall..” – Bill
So Hunter being out here makes him just like the rest, all of whom Randy has beaten. Cue John Cena!
“Talking of people I’ve beaten” – Me
Cena wants them to wait one cotton picking minute.
“Whoaa, black history month.” – Bill
“Holllld on there.” – Hernandez
“One goose steppin’ minute.” – Bill
Cena explains that ORton has the distinction of being the first champion whom is a liar and a loser. So Cena wants a rematch tonight.
Cena wants that so he can face Hunter at Wrestlemania.
“STOP POINTING AT THE SIGN!” – Hernandez
Trips doesn’t care WHO is the champion. Cue Regal!
Regal explains that Orton hit the ref to get the DQ.
“Which was funny… but..” – Bill
Regal explains that tonight, there will be a non-title match. If Cena wins, Mania becomes a triple threat match at Mania… Hunter doesn’t like that, but Regal doesn’t care.
Tonight, in the main event though, Regal is going to let Hunter be the Guest Ref.
“Regal’s theme sounds like Fett’s Vette..” – Me
COMMERCIAL ONE – 9:15
Time for Jeff Hardy! He’s got a new theme. I’ll judge it later.
THe band who recorded it is here…. and this is a MOTB qualifier.
He’s facing… Snitsky! HA!
SNITSKY vs. JEFF HARDY
Winner: Jeff Hardy
Lock up to start. Snits throws Jeff down. Throws him to the ropes and Jeff hits a dropkick.
Jeff heads up to the top rope. Snitsky runs up and pulls the arm and a big boot to Jeff’s face sends him to the outside!
COMMERCIAL TWO – 9:21
We’re back… with a bearhug spot.. and JEff gets out but Snitsky elbows Jeff down. Gene now beating on Jeff..
“A real hot shot opener…” – Me
Elbow and a pin for two from Snits… Chinlock against the ropes and Gene clubs at him. More choking him against the ropes and Jeff just tumbles on out.
Charges Jeff into the ropes and throws him around and another elbow.
“Main event last night.. Beating by Snitsky tonight.. life just ain’t fair.” – Me
“He took a beating last night.. It’s ok” – Hernandez
Snitsky with a chinlock now on Jeff, front headlock… Hollllld spooottttssss…
Gene misses a legdrop, and we’re informed this is the first mistake that Snitsky’s made. Jeff now grabs Snits and throws him to the ropes, reversed and flying shoulder.
Snitsky throws him to the corner, whisper in the wind… WHIFFFF!
“He scared him to fall!” – Hernandez
“No, he clipped his leg with his hand!” – Me
So Jeff goes for the Twist – eats a big boot and a two count.
Pump handle now from Gene – Reversed from Jeff, Twist of Fate. Swanton. We’re done.
“Can Jeff Hardy capitalize” – JR
“…you mean… win?” – Me
“He was capitalizing with the Swanton..” – Hernandez
“But he said it DURING the Swanton..” – Me
WINNER: JEFF HARDY… toldja so…
In the back, Ray is talkign with Lawrence Taylor.
COMMERCIAL THREE – 9:32
It’s Shawn time! He’s probably lost his smile or his pants.. or something…
Shawn actually is going to talk about the first inductee into the Hall of Fame.
“Chyna?” – Jenna
It’s his friend…
“Bruno Sammartino.” – Hernandez
Of course – Ric Flair. WOOOOOO!
And for Ric Flair, what do they do.. play Shawn’s music.
“Right.. Sheri’s dead.” – Hernandez
COMMERCIAL FOUR – 9:42
Time now form Paul Birchhill and his sister.. Katie.
Who are they facing.. Super Crazy!
“They are even giving us a picture in picture interview!” – Hernandez
“Welcome back 80s” – Me
PAUL BIRCHHILL vs. SUPER CRAZY
So they lock up and Super Crazy gets charged into the ring, then throws Crazy across the ring. Crazy throws him up, kicks in the gut and now stretches him poorly in the middle of the ring.
Fist to fist, Birch goes to the ropes, goes for a tiltawhirl, but Crazy lands on his feet and gets clotheslined down. CURB STOMP!
WINNER: PAUL BIRCHHILL
COMMERCIAL FIVE – 9:50
In the back – Orton and Hunter babble on.
Orton wants Hunter to throw it…. tense moment… we’re giggling about something dirty.
As Orton leaves, Hunter’s face turns… EVIL!
“Viggy Viggy Viggy, you’ve been a bad monkey.” – Hernandez
So Pretty Boy Floyd broke Show’s nose.
Show thinks Mayweather went too far. Even so, he’s making out a formal public apology. He’s in the arena…
“…and when I find him!” – Bill
So here comes Floyd. He’s so tiny!
“I want to say that I love..”
“You.” – Hernandez
“I’ve been a fan of the WW..”
“Eff” – Hernandez
“for many years. He had to retaliate last night.”
So Show continues to try and apologize. They handshake. We continue to do Mike Tyson jokes. Floyd leaves..
“PLANCHA OVER THE TOP! IT WOULD BE AWESOME.” – Hernandez
So Show feels he’s now done what he’s supposed to do. He now wants to say that no matter what, he’s still much bigger than him. He then threatens Floyd, says he could beat him down.
“DON’T YOU EYEBALL ME BOOOY!” – Me
“FOR ONE COTTON PICKIN MINUTE!” – Hernandez
So Floyd gets in the ring, with his entire posse.
“WHO IS THE HEEL HERE?!?!?” – Me
Floyd inches up and finally accepts.. what, we don’t know.
COMMERCIAL SIX – 10:07
douche bag… hehehehehehe -Hernandez
(He wrote that while I smoked)
Hey another Money In The Banker…
KENNEDY! Another new song!
“THAT GUY!” – Hernandez
KENNEDY vs. VAL VENIS
Kennedy throws Val to the corner. Another corner. Kennedy then drops him down into a hammerlock and then knees right into the back.
Kennedy hits a russian leg sweep, and right back into the armbar. Finally, Val hits a hiptoss, but Kennedy doesn’t let go.
Val gets out of it. Hits a few kicks. Eats a mic check.
WINNER: MR. KENNEDY… toldja
“Pointing to the wrestlemania sign. Owen, hit the lights!” – Hernandez
“Why are they giving us the impressive Steel Cage music.. it’s McMahon versus a midget..” – Me
COMMERCIAL SEVEN – 10:18
So Vinnie Mac comes on down and climbs into the cage from the outside!
Now, Hornswaggle, looking sad and dejected with Finley in tow.
JBL runs on in and he charges Finley, beats him against the ropes and they’ve handcuffed him to the ropes.
Now Vince and Hornswaggle talk in the middle of the ring while Vinnie takes off his belt.
He whips Horny a bit…
“I’m reliving painful childhood memories here.” – Hernandez
Vinnie continues to beat on Hornswaggle… Vince leaves and JBL beats on Hornswaggle a bit. Throws him RIGHT into the cage.
“We wouldn’t have this problem if you drank Mamajuana!” – Hernandez
This drags on a bit.
JBL picks him up!
“LAWN DART!” – Me
Throws him into the cage.
On the outside, Vinnie apologizes to Horny…
“Your cruiserweight champion everybody.” – Me
COMMERCIAL EIGHT – 10:31
JR and Lawler actually sell this like real tragedy…
Time for Santino and Maria… in silver.. lovely.
“MARRIAAAA!” – Me
Santino has Maria’s Playboy contract in his very hands. She is also going to wrestle tonight versus the Glamazon..
Maria seems not ok with this.
MARIA vs. BETH PHOENIX
Santino stops this before it starts. There is small print that says if Maria doesn’t win, she can’t pose in Playboy.
Bell rings and Beth picks up Maria. Throws her to the corner. Snapmares Marla to her ass. Chokes her against the rope. Fieldgoal kick. Backbreaker.
Maria finally throwing some elbows. Hits the ropes, caught, picked, flipped, pinned for two.
Maria then goes for some kidney shots. Candice comes on down.. hey wait… roll-up.
“Hey, Candice’s nose finally has settled on her face.” – Me
In the back Hunter putting on his ref shirt.
COMMERCIAL NINE – 10:42
JOHN CENA vs. RANDY ORTON
Lock up to start, Cena pushes to the corner. Orton fights out of it and clubs to the back. Throws Cena to the ropes and a dropkick.
Cena climbs to the outside apron and gets elbowed and thrown to the table… he’s out.
COMMERCIAL TEN – 10:53
Cena thrown to the ropes and boots Orton as we come back. He slams Orton. Elbows. Pins. Two.
Now Orton gets tossed to the ropes, Orton holds on to the ropes and heads to the outside. Cena heads on out with him. Headslams into the commentator spot.
Orton goes back in and Cena slides back in and caught on the rope and he eats the second. Garvin stomp. Cena’s down. Pin for two.
Orton slides over for the…. SIDE HEADLOCK!
Cena gets to his feet and hits the belly to back. Gets to his feet and charges Orton, but Orton drops down – rolls him up for two.
European uppercuts and beatdowns from Orton. Finally Cena comes back with punches of his own. Back and forth. Throws Cena to the ropes, reversed, and Cena hits the shoulder for two. Blue Thunder.
“Gonna have me some fun Gonna have me some fun” – Hernandez
You can’t see me – sets up – goes for the FU… Orton’s got the rope. Lands on the apron for the rope choke. Orton comes in and charges Orton to the outside!
Randy throws John into the stairs and back into the ring… RKO – DENIED – Droptoe – STFU!
Randy crawls to the ropes… sooo close… Gets em!
Cena drops it at 4 and he and Trips share some words.
“Throw the match.” – Me as Hunter
They go nose to nose. Orton charges – eats the FU! Just like that.
WINNER: JOHN CENA
“Pedi–” – Hernandez
KICK WHAM PEDIGREE! Good call.
Hunter grabs the title.
“Break it!” – Hernandez
He of course, stares at the belt for awhile…
“Hunter’s never held this incarnation of the belt.” – Hernandez
“Maybe he won’t – he’ll win it and change it back.” – Me
“Good reason for him to win it.” – Hernandez
So kick wham pedigree to Orton. The end. Hunter screaming with the belt.
So – the end.
“Beating midgets is awesome.” – Jenna
“BaGAWWWK! *thump*” – Hernandez
“Hernandez?” – Jeffrey
“BAGAWWWK! *thump*” – Hernandez
“I like the giant chicken” – Deb
“bagawk? *thump*” – Hernandez
“It was alright…” – Bill
Tags: Raw, WWE