Welcome back, my friends, to the show that never ends, no matter how much you want it to, come inside, come inside. With Rey Mysterio’s health on decline, the Wrestlemania plans for the blue brand become confused with barely a month left until the, err coughcoughBIG SHOWcough. Pardon me, my fingers have grown the ability to get sick. On to the action!
A recap of the Smackdown Elimination Chamber match aired. For some reason WWE refuses to show the actual finishes of pay per view matches on their TV shows. I will say that the ending of the match is something to go out of your way to see, however, just a phenomenal bit of timing and athletics.
The Smackdown intro aired. Nothing really to see here, besides the fact that Elijah Burke seems to have worked his way in there thanks to his match with Batista a month or two back.
Smackdown is NOT live from Rey Mysterio country, San Diego, California. The show opens with Edge cueing his music immediately. The World Champ and the Edgeheads are on their way out, Edge is not dressed to wrestle tonight. Cole reiterates that Edge has retained the title over Rey Mysterio and is going to Mania to face the Undertaker. Edge reiterates this too. Edge even acknowledged the real life circumstances behind Rey’s injury; he was injured in a tag match in Santiago Chile against the Edgeheads. Edge called himself a predator, which doesn’t really hold a positive connotation any way you look at it. The crowd started up the old “You Suck†classic. Edge talked about going to Wrestlemania and facing the Undertaker, which drew a large pop. The champ said that the fans probably all though he was afraid, but he isn’t. Edge sees wrestling Taker as an opportunity because he is undefeated at Mania, just like Edge. Edge lost a six way ladder match at Wrestlemania 23, but I guess that doesn’t count for sake of pinfalls and submissions. Edge called beating Taker at Wrestlemania equal to winning a World Title, and that’s what he does. The Rated R Superstar says he is different than the fans. Good point, there aren’t many Canadians living in San Diego. Edge decrees that people in the crowd are afraid of opportunities because they will fail. He says he succeeds and that’s why he will never lose the World title. Edge says for 15 years people have tried to defeat the Undertaker and fallen, but he will not. This year the streak will end.
The Undertaker cued his gong and was immediately in the ring following the Sabu darkness with a choke on the champ. The Edgeheads saved him from a Chokeslam but were unsuccessful in attempts to beat down the Deadman. One Edgehead was chokeslammed while Edge escaped mostly unharmed.
Later tonight, Rey Mysterio will talk about his future. It was an odd moment because the graphic showed him writhing in pain, but the crowd cheered anyway.
The first match of the night will be a Money in the Bank qualifier match. Shelton Benjamin cued his music and came to the ring. Michael Cole reiterated that Jeff Hardy and Mr. Kennedy qualified for the MITB on RAW. Shelton took the mic and said that there “ain’t no stoppin’ me noooooooooooow…..Kennedy.†OK, I made that last bit up. Jimmy Wang Yang cued his music and hit the ring as Shelton’s opponent.
Match #1, Money in the Bank Qualifier match, Shelton Benjamin vs. Jimmy Wang Yang
Shelton gave a look as if to say “I have to wrestle THAT?†Nice. Shelton got the better of Akio with some amateur wrestling before driving Wang into the corner with some shoulderblocks. Wang got a surprise two count but was cut off by a knee and a back body drop for two. Shelton picked up Wang and powerbombed him into the turnbuckle for two. Shelton slapped on a chinlock and cut off Yang’s attempt at a comeback. Wang scored another rollup for two, and rolled up Benjamin in a Mahistrol cradle for two before being hit by a nice suplex for two. Shelton picked up Wang in a backbreaker and applied the backbreaker position submission. That move NEVER wins matches. Cole opened his mouth to show his stupidity, saying Jimmy Wang using all parts of his body as weapons. Is he the only wrestler who can do that? Shelton placed Yang on the top rope and tore Wang’s shirt off. Wang pushed Shelton off but he landed on his feet and used his AMAZING LEAP ATTACK to get back on the top rope and give Yang a sort of super arm drag. Yang rolled outside. Shelton threw him back in a got a two out of it. The Gold Standard applied a sort of camel clutch crossface but Wang worked out of it. Shelton tried to deliver a powerbomb but Yang countered with a headscissors. Coach asked “who took more of the brunt of that?†This man fails. Yang got a small package for two and a spinning kick for two. Yang took Shelton down with a Trish headscissors and hit another spin kick in the corner. He headed up top as Cole thought he was going for a moonsault. No, if he was, he’d go up backwards. Wang nailed a cross body for two. Shelton avoided a moonsault and hit his finisher for the win.
Your winner, by pinfall, Shelton Benjamin! Strong match between a solid wrestler and a high flyer. While the winner was never in doubt, Wang did a good job when he was on offense of making it seem possible that we’d see an upset. I’d have liked to see it go longer but it wasn’t in the cards tonight. Pretty enjoyable with good energy. Six minutes, 58 seconds.
Shelton Benjamin is going to Wrestlemania. He pointed at the banner as replays aired.
Backstage Teddy Long came out of the GM’s office and met Maryse. He asked how she was doing and she had to think about it before replying “awesome.†She asked how she looked and Teddy seemed to like it more than the crowd. Maryse reminded us that she hasn’t been on Smackdown for awhile and wanted to ask Teddy something important. This could be bad. I was distracted during this segment by a pretty great picture of the Who’s legendary bassist John Entwistle on the wall. Pop culture references in the Crackdown are brought to you by me.
Michael Cole put on his “I’m being really super serial right now†voice as a replay of the Vince vs. Horny cage match from RAW aired. I hate this storyline so much I shall refuse to talk about it anymore.
Biscuits and gravy are being served as Jesse and Festus made their way out. Not really, but it’d be cool for a wrestling federation to provide free food. Replays from last weeks’ eight man tag match aired, reminding us all that Festus has that Pavlov’s dog issue. Cole compared the ring bell to Clark Kent’s phone booth. What? Their opponents this week are Deuce and Domino.
Match #2: Jesse/Festus vs. Deuce/Domino
Justin Roberts might be my favorite ring announcer for the little things he does, such as announcing Deuce and Domino as “driving to the ring.†Coach says that Deuce and Domino should combat Festus by telling the ref not to ring the bell, maybe throw a bribe in there. At some point that HAS to be where this storyline is going. The bell rang and Festus attacked. Deuce avoided the Albert kick but suffered a clothesline. Festus hit a headbutt and followed with a scoop slam. As he tagged in Jesse, Cole called him “corn-fed strong.†Never heard that phrase before. Festus slammed Jesse onto Deuce for two. Jesse applied a drop toe hold and followed with a basement dropkick for two. Deuce recovered and threw Jesse out of the ring. Jesse got back in the ring as Deuce got out and hit another dropkick. Deuce threw Cherry into harm’s way which distracted Jesse long enough to be taken advantage of. Cherry didn’t approve. Deuce slapped on a headlock. Coach talked about the team of Deuce and Domino and “how good they are together, how good they are together.†Yes, he really said it twice. Jesse’s nose appeared to be broken as Deuce hung him over the top rope. Domino hit a Matt Hardy top rope elbow smash for two. A replay showed that a kick delivered by Deuce to Jesse struck him square in the face, which explains the blood. Domino tried to attack Festus but was met with another headbutt. Coach wondered if more blood was going to come out. What is he, five years old? Jesse made the tag unbeknownst to Domino, who was met with a flapjack. Festus came in with a flurry of offense including a standing Awesome Splash. He knocked Deuce out of the ring with an Albert kick. Festus tagged Jesse back in and threw him off the top rope onto Domino for the win.
Your winners, by pinfall, Jesse and Festus! I’m starting to warm up to the Festus character but at some point, heels have to realize how easy it has to be to take advantage of. Not a bad match, and the unexpected blood from Jesse’s nose (possible injury?) only adds to the drama. Five minutes, fifteen seconds.
A video package aired on the feud between the Big Show and Floyd Mayweather. The angle between these guys at No Way Out was fantastic, but I don’t understand why Show came out and apologized on RAW. He should be out for revenge after the way Mayweather destroyed his face. As long as they get more use in the ring out of Floyd than TNA got out of Pacman Jones, I guess I can live with it.
Back from break, Big Titty V cued his music. As always, he’s accompanied by God of Promos Matt Striker. Shannon Moore is meat tonight, jobber entrance and all.
Match #3: Big Daddy V vs. Shannon Moore.
Shannon Moore gives up 283 pounds to Big V. V threw Moore into the air. Moore used his speed to land some leg kicks, but V hit Abyss’ Black Hole Slam. V stood on Shannon’s chest, which is very impressive given Moore’s stature. V stuck the Star Trek handsign in Moore’s face before hitting a Show chop. Coach said it hit the V Spot. Wow. V picked up Moore and threw him to the mat. V hit a chop but Shannon got out of the way of an Avalanche. Moore hit a missile dropkick and another kick but V shoved him away. Moore hit a dropkick to the knee and wisely followed with a standing enziguri. Shannon stupidly jumped onto V’s shoulders and was hit by a Samoan drop. V hit a Dusty Rhodes elbow drop for the win.
Your winner, by pinfall, Big Daddy V! Not bad for a squash, Shannon Moore played his role well, going for offense that can reasonably defeat a man of such size. V gets a needed win after looking weak lately after a short match with Taker and meeting a similar result in the Chamber. Three minutes, nine seconds.
V celebrated by making angry faces and standing over Moore’s fallen body with Striker.
Back from a break, MVP cued his theme as we’ve got another rematch with Batista. I believe this is their third match with Batista winning both other times. Turns out, MVP asked for this match, saying even though he’s hurting from the Chamber, he knows Batista’s hurting a lot worse. He also promises that Batista never beats him again because MVP is better than Batista. His words, I agree, the bookers don’t. Batista then entered to the delight of children everywhere. A hot chick with a nice rack had a sign saying “Batista, Will You Marry Me?†Well, I might not like the Animal, but at least some people do.
Match #4: MVP vs. Batista 3, non title
Batista powered MVP into a corner. MVP retaliated with a headlock. MVP kicked Batista a few times, selling his back from the Chamber match. He is in pain even bouncing off the ropes. Greatness. Batista took advantage of the target with a unique stretch. The US champ targeted Batista’s neck with some stomps. MVP punted Batista’s head on the ring apron, eliciting a Batista chant from the crowd. Batista made it back in the ring so MVP went back to work with some punches and a crossface maneuver. The champ locked in a front facelock, Batista got out of it but MVP kicked him out of the ring. MVP went after him and tossed him back in for two. MVP applied a modified chicken wing. Batista worked out of it and applied a bear hug. MVP escaped and hit a facebuster for two. Batista recovered, catching MVP in powerbomb position but MVP rolled out. The champ snapped Batista against the ropes. MVP hit his big kick for two. Coach wondered “how many shots Batista can take before he doesn’t know where he is anymore.†I don’t think Batista would make a good drinking buddy. MVP went for the Playmaker but Batista countered into a spinebuster. Batista hit two more spinebusters and a Batista Bomb for the win.
Your winner, by pinfall, Batista! Match wasn’t as good as their previous encounters, but with the story WWE is trying to tell, it didn’t need to be. MVP takes yet another pinfall loss with the title not on the line, he HAS to lose it soon. Seven minutes, forty seconds.
Cole and Coach put on their serious faces to talk again about Hornswoggle. Ugh, ugh, ugh!
Great Khali turned his music on. Runjin Singh is storyline injured, being knocked off the Chamber and breaking his knee in three places. Kane made things explode and headed to the ring as the opponent.
Match #5: The Great Khali vs. Kane 2
The two had a staredown as Cole and Coach talked about these two having a match at last year’s Mania. Khali won that encounter. They traded right hands with Khali’s being more powerful. Kane hit a clothesline but Khali came back with an elbow. Khali nailed Kane with boots and Kevin Nash elbows. Kane tried to go up top but Khali hit a big chop and Kane fell back into the ring. Khali nailed a big boot and applied a Tongan death grip. Kane worked his way back into it, but Khali hit a SKULL CHOP OF DEATH! Khali slapped on the Vicegrip. Kane pushed off the buckle and managed to pin Khali.
Your winner, by pinfall, Kane! Wow, that’s Kane’s biggest win in what seems like years. Surprisingly watchable for a Khali match. Four minutes, twelve seconds/
Khali didn’t understand he’d lost and continued to hold onto the Vicegrip for a few seconds after the bell.
Coach and Cole talked some more about Edge vs. Undertaker at Wrestlemania.
Back from break, Chuck Palumbo drove out to the ring. In the ring already is jabroni Matt Jackson.
Match #6: Chuck Palumbo vs. Matt Jackson
Matt Jackson is a California independent wrestler. I’ve actually seen him wrestle in person at All Pro Wrestling’s March Madness event in 2007, where he went by “Instant Replay†Matt Jackson. Palumbo starts the match with a big elbow and pulls Jackson back up, but he’s met with a dropkick. It barely phases Chuck, who comes back with a big kick of his own. Michelle is shown watching in the back. Palumbo threw Matt out of the ring and ran him into the ringpost similar to how he did Jaime Noble. He tossed Jackson back in the ring and met him with a big clothesline. Palumbo hit a modified Samoan drop for two, but pulled Jackson off the mat. Chuck hit his finisher, which is called the Full Throttle, for the win.
Your winner, by pinfall, Chuck Palumbo! Not as enjoyable a squash as V vs. Shannon because the jobber had really zero offense. Palumbo plays his character well but I don’t think he’s that great at wrestling. Thankfully it was kept short. Two minutes.
Chuck celebrated and gave Matt Jackson a look as if he was going to attack again, but they cut to the back where Rey Mysterio was preparing for something.
Back from break, Rey’s music was cued and he came out wearing a second mask and had glowsticks or Slim Jims or something in his hands. Weird. Rey took his second mask off and gave it to his daughter, who was at ringside. Aww. Rey got a mic and asked San Diego “What is it?†Rey says he has bad news, the doctors told him that his right bicep is completely torn. They were surprised he was able to wrestle at No Way Out, but he has to get surgery, meaning he has to miss Wrestlemania. Rey says it’s killing him to have to miss it, but at least his last night is going to be in his “ho-hometown.â€
Vickie interrupted at this point, saying she knows Rey’s hurt, but she doesn’t give a damn. Rey starts to say something but Vickie interrupts to say she only cares about what Rey’s done to her. She sent it to a video of last week when Edge proposed to Vickie and Rey hit Vickie with a springboard. Vickie believes it was intentional. Rey tells her she’s wrong but she yells at him to shut up. Vickie says she won’t apologize for what she’s going to do, which is to force Rey to wrestle. Tonight, Rey and his arm injury are forced to wrestle Chavo Guerrero, the ECW champion. Chavo cues his music and enters the ring.
Match #7: Rey Mysterio vs. Chavo Guerrero
These two have had great matches in the past but Rey’s injury might hold the match down from some of the others. Chavo attacked forcefully to start the matchup, but Rey took him down with a headscissors. He couldn’t hit a bulldog as Chavo met him with a faceplant maneuver. Chavo continues to work the injured arm of Rey who gets out of it, but is met by a dropkick. Coach says that he “doesn’t agree with this match being made.†Why not? You’re supposed to be heel, aren’t you? Chavo wrenches Rey’s arm while the crowd unanimously chants “Chavo Sucks.†Chavo dropkicked Rey out of the ring to the floor. Chavo followed him outside and sent Rey into the ring apron. Rey tried to roll Chavo up but he didn’t have the strength. Chavo tried to roll Rey up but Rey’s momentum sent Chavo to the floor. Rey hit a West Coast Pop on the outside. Rey went up top but Chavo caught him. Rey was able to knock Chavo back into the ring with a headbutt and hit a West Coast Pop, but Chavo got out with a “kickoff at one.†Cole is just as bad as Coach. Rey hit a leg drop but was met by a kick in the corner. Chavo went for a pin but Rey rolled through and caught Chavo with a dropkick of his own for two. Rey caught Chavo with a kick that sent the ECW champ into 619 position. That was unique. Rey hit the 619 but was too injured to follow up. He went up top but Chavo crotched him on the top rope. Chavo hit Two Amigos and a brainbuster. Chavo went for the frog splash, but Rey moved out of the way. Rey scored an Oklahoma roll type pin for the win.
Your winner, by pinfall, Rey Mysterio! Good match, especially considering that Rey is suffering a real injury. Chavo needs to come back strong with a series of wins, however, he lost this match and lost a series of matches to CM Punk despite being the ECW champion. Five minutes, fifty-six seconds of what aired.
Rey and Vickie stared bullets at each other after the match. Vickie cut short Rey’s celebration and told him since he hurt her, she’s going to hurt him. The Big Show took a moment before cueing his music and new pyro. He’s dressed in his wrestling gear for the first time. Show caught Rey trying to escape and threw him into a corner. Show ran, yes, actually RAN, and gave Rey an Avalanche in the corner. Show removed Mysterio’s arm wrap and simply stood lightly on his arm, sending Rey into near convulsions of pain. Big Show squeezed the injured arm and then he paraded around the ring with Rey elevated high for a very delayed Chokeslam. Big Show stared intensely into the camera as Smackdown faded to black.
Favorite match: Hard to choose between Shelton vs. Wang and Rey vs. Chavo. I’ll give Shelton and Wang the nod because it was slightly longer.
Least favorite match: Jesse/Festus vs. Deuce/Domino. Just not a fan of these guys and their styles. The Rockers are jobbers these days, so you know they weren’t going to win. I rank the Palumbo squash slightly higher because I enjoyed seeing someone I’d see wrestle in person make it to TV.
Well, that’s all for the Crackdown this week. As always, keep your teeth clean.
