The SmarK 24/7 Rant for Tuesday Night Titans – April 2 1986
– I’m really tired tonight but felt like ranting on something before bed, so I picked the show that requires the least thought and is also most likely to induce sleep. I only regret that Jay Strongbow’s Hall of Fame spotlight was LAST month, because that would have done the trick for me. But this should do for now.
– Hosted by the “irrepressible” Vince McMahon, according to Lord Alfred.
– First guest tonight is Jimmy Hart, and the topic is the upcoming tag team match at Wrestlemania 2 between the Funk brothers and Tito/JYD. So let us take you back to SNME, as Funk tries to brand the Dog and Jimmy ends up without his pants as a result. Then at the Slammies, Hart gets beat up by the Dog again. Then on Superstars, Jimmy tries to interfere in a Funk-JYD match and Dog gets the best of him yet again. Thankfully, the heels finally get some heat when Dory Funk makes his surprise debut for the beatdown, and Vince and Bruno even call him “Dory”. Jimmy goes on a huge rant against the Dog, talking about how he couldn’t find any real partners for Wrestlemania, because Ricky Steamboat and Hulk Hogan were both terrified of the Funks, so he got Tito as a last resort.
– Next up, Captain Lou introduces the clips recapping the Randy Savage-George Steele feud. Savage the ultimate alpha male jealous boyfriend is always hilarious. I never really liked the feud, though, because even in my mark days I never bought Steele as a serious challenger to the title. Albano’s got nothing of note to say.
– Next up, Freddie Blassie, who for some reason is talking about the battle royale. We get a series of talking head promos from the participants talking about the prestige of winning a battle royale.
– Our next reason why Wrestlemania was a bit of a flop: A Mr. T training video.
– Vince reads off the list of C-list celebs involved in the show, and someone’s name gets bleeped out for some reason. Weird. This leads to our next guest, Johnny V, as it’s apparently the all-manager show. This naturally sets up the clips of the Bulldogs-Dream Team feud, with a heck of a non-title win for the Bulldogs shown. That diving headbutt off Davey’s shoulders is a thing of beauty and someone should swipe it. Well, I’d change the diving headbutt for obvious reasons, but an elbow or something would be golden.
– Your next commercial is Hulk Hogan training with Hillbilly Jim, while his doctor (wearing a Hulkamania muscle shirt) advises him not to wrestle. His accountant clearly disagreed. Doing chin-ups with a 100 pound weight around his neck is pretty damn impressive, however.
– And with that, Vince wraps it up and asks us to buy Wrestlemania for the millionth time in 40 minutes. Just a WM2 infomercial, total waste of time. Take a major pass.