If it wasn’t leap year, there’d be no Smackdown this week. How lame is that? Let’s get to the action!
Smackdown opened with a video package of the Wrestlemania press conference. As with all WWE press conferences, nothing really interesting happened. At least, nothing except Floyd Mayweather getting the biggest reaction. Big Show’s fist is almost as large as Mayweather’s head.
Smackdown started with Big Show cueing his music for a handicap match.
Match #1 The Big Show vs. Jeff Garland and Joey Ryan
Jeff Garland is a nobody as far as I know, but Joey Ryan is one of the big stars of the PWG promotion out of California. This is Show’s first match since the week after the atrocious ECW December to Dismember pay per view in 2006. Next week on RAW, Big Show is scheduled to fight “A Professional Fighter†according to the graphic. Wouldn’t WWE just love to just revive the late Max Schmeling, since nearly every wrestler in WWE of a different nationality is a heel The bell rang at Michael Cole said he felt sorry for “Garland and Ryans.†Three minutes into the show and already Cole sets the tone for idiocy. Show knocked both men to the outside and lifted Garland back onto the ring apron by his skull and chopped him back into the ring. Nice. Ryan scored some ineffective forearm blows, but Show chopped him down as well. Show sent Garland into a corner and clotheslined him. The former champion chokeslammed Garland and literally launched Ryan into the buckle. Big Show hit some boxing style punches on Ryan and pinned him for the win.
Your winner, by pinfall, The Big Show! WWE handicap matches nearly always see the one man beat the two. But this time, it works, due to Show’s size and lower weight. Effective squash to reestablish the Show. One minute, thirty nine seconds.
They aired replays as Cole and Coach talked about if Show could do the same to Floyd Mayweather at Wrestlemania. Big Show took the mic and said there’s a “rumor†going around that Mayweather’s going to fight Oscar de la Hoya in September. Show said it’s only a rumor because at Wrestlemania, he is going to break Mayweather’s hands, his legs and his spirit. Show said maybe there would be a Show-de la Hoya faceoff in September, but he would squash Oscar like a cockroach. He then made fun of de la Hoya’s primarily Hispanic fan base by translating “cockroach†for them. That’s money. Show finished his soliloquy saying that the $20 million dollar payoff for Floyd Mayweather to face him won’t be worth it. He stared deeply and longingly into the camera. The easily swayed Cole and Coach agreed that 20 million wasn’t worth it. Screw that idea, I’ll take 20 million to face Big Show! I’ll volunteer!
Later tonight, it’ll be Batista/Kane vs. MVP/Khali. Cole called it a “ring-rattling tag team match/â€
Jimmy Wang Yang cued his music for the team of Moore Wang. I’m so tired of Cole calling him “Smackdown’s resident redneck.†It’s a stupid name. Cole said Wang’s girlfriend once turned psycho on him and punched him in the face. Why do I care? Coach said “whose hasn’t?†This segment hurts my brain already. Smackdown’s other jobber tag team, Deuce and Domino, drove to the ring as their opponents.
Match #2: Moore Wang vs. Deuce/Domino
I think Domino’s nose is larger in hi-definition. Either way, he started the match by throwing his shirt at Wang. I hope someday that throwing a shirt leads to a pin. Domino took Wang down with a headlock. Wang escaped, Domino threw him down but missed an elbow drop. Wang took over with an armdrag. Moore tagged himself in and hit a dropkick for a 0 count. Coach talked about opposites attracting in relation to the bizarre pairing of Moore and Akio, saying “look at us, I’m a cool cat and you grab my coattails.†I definitely thought that line was going somewhere totally different. Moore took Domino down with a headscissors. Moore tried to go for another one but Domino threw him out of the ring. Moore could have easily injured his ankles or knees on that landing. Deuce tossed him back in the ring for one. Deuce tagged in and got a two count. Deuce applied a submission hold and drove his elbow into Moore’s face.
I’m extremely tempted to mute the sound right now as Coach and Cole get in a ludicrous debate about what constitutes a redneck. For a tidbit, Coach said most Asians aren’t rednecks, to which Cole replied with “how do you know,†in the most womanly tone of voice I’ve ever heard him use. Truly moronic interplay here, give me Don West’s fanboyish-ness. Deuce applied a neck crank. Cole calls Shannon Moore a reject because he owns his own tattoo shop. This man Cole is going to suffer a vicious and bloody fate in some back alley somewhere. Deuce cheapshotted Wang and choked Moore on the ropes. Domino tagged in, choke Moore some more, but crotched himself. Deuce and Wang both tagged in and Wang hit a back leg trip. He followed with a dropkick. Deuce got the better of Wang for a moment. He went for a moonsault, but missed. Deuce caught Wang with a knee and tried to set up a double team overhead suplex but Moore pushed Domino off the top rope. Deuce wisely hit the suplex anyway as Cherry distracted Shannon until Deuce could cheap shot him. Wang escaped a suplex attempt and hit the moonsault press for the win.
Your winners, by pinfall, Shannon Moore and Jimmy Wang Yang! This match is a prime example of commentary making, or in this case, breaking a match. Both teams did their best to put on a good match, which I believe they succeeded at doing, but the match was brought down several notches by truly awful work on commentary. Five minutes, thirty four seconds.
Moore Wang celebrated as Deuce had a look of total shock on his face. Domino didn’t seem to mind much, and Cherry had a look of sort of embarrassed fear in her eyes. Maybe this team is going to break up soon?
Backstage, Vickie and Edge were in a room talking about where to go on honeymoon. Neither one had a problem with getting out of southwestern United States, but Edge one-upped Vickie by suggesting they get out of the US period. Instead, he suggested they go to “God’s country,†Canada. Vickie was down with that and the lovebirds were about to engage in some tonsil hockey, but the Edgeheads interrupted to their biggest crowd reaction yet. Edge told them they needed to do something about Undertaker attacking him last week. He said Edgehead Zack was the perfect one to get revenge. Now I can tell them apart, excellent.
Back from break, Chuck Palumbo cued his music and rolled to the ring. The former ROH champion Jaime Noble hit the button for his own music and entered the arena with the woman they are fighting over, Michelle McCool
Match #3 Chuck Palumbo vs. Jaime Noble 6
Palumbo overpowered Noble at the bell, but Noble caught him with a chop and some punches, but Chuck overpowered him again. He clotheslined Noble right in the boots, giving Noble the chance to apply an illegal Fujiwura armbar over the ropes. Noble climbed back up and snapped Chuck’s arm over the rope. Noble went after the arm again but was thrown out of the ring. Coach said “it’s amazing what Chuck Palumbo does to Jaime Noble each and every night and Jaime keeps coming back for more.†Who said wrestling isn’t gay? Palumbo clotheslined Noble outside. He tried to drop Jaime onto the barricade but dropped him when Michelle started yelling at him. Jaime shoved Chuck into the ringpost. Cole said if Noble wins tonight it may send Chuck “off the lunatic fringe.†Isn’t that Kurt Angles’ TNA theme song?
Jaime got some more arm based offense but Palumbo came back with a belly to belly suplex off the top rope for two. Chuck mounted with punches and a back suplex for two. Jaime escaped a headlock but ran into a elbow. Cole called Noble a pitbull. I remember that short lived tag team with Kid Kash. Noble escaped a Samoan drop into an armbar but Chuck got to the ropes. Chuck responded with a knockout right and a slam. He took too long on the second rope and missed the Brother Ray senton. A small “Chuck†chant started as Noble hit an enziguri. Noble hit a totally unique splash in the corner and a missile dropkick for two. Noble tried the Little Guido headscissors into an armbar, but Chuck raked Jaime’s eyes on the top rope. He hit a big boot and the Full Throttle for the win as another small “Chuck†chant started up.
Your winner, by pinfall, Chuck Palumbo! Chuck’s now 2-4 against Jaime Noble, but he’s won the last two, so the feud has to continue. Michelle’s acting continues to not improve. Seven minutes, five seconds.
Backstage, Teddy Long reintroduced Vickie to Maryse. Maryse told Vickie she thought she was doing a great job at Smackdown’s GM and that she was one of the most beautiful divas. The kissing of ass ended when Batista walked into the room. He asked Vickie what she was going to do about the RAW vs. SD challenge laid out by RAW’s William Regal. Regal picked Umaga to represent RAW and Batista wants to represent Smackdown. Maryse asked “Who better to represent Smackdown†than the Animal? Kanyon! Vickie agreed to Batista’s request.
Back from break, Batista cued his music. He did the four corners, Steve Austin style celebration. Kane made stuff explode and joined Batista for the match. Great Khali followed. MVP came out minus his inflatable house.
Match #4: Batista/Kane vs. The Great Khali/MVP
Khali started off with Kane. Khali got the best with forearm blows, mudhole stomps, and Nash elbows. MVP tagged himself in and went to work on the Big Red Machine. Kane retaliated with a back body drop and a knockout right. Kane hit MVP with a running dropkick! Then Batista tagged in. The hard camera missed the action for a few seconds as it was focused in the middle of the ring while the wrestlers were in a corner. Batista hit some corner blocks as a high pitched “Batista†chant broke out. MVP got an elbow up but Batista hit a clothesline for one. Batista hit some punches and tagged in Kane, who did likewise. Kane hit a headbutt and a boot but MVP grabbed the ropes. The cameraman for the hard camera must not have learned his lesson because it missed another shot. Kane brought MVP back into the ring with an armdrag and tagged the Animal. MVP hit some right hands and a kick after Batista whipped him to the ropes. Batista recovered quickly with a spinebuster. Khali pulled MVP out of Batista Bomb position though.
Back from break, Batista and Khali stared each other down before Khali prevailed in a test of strength. Batista got some light offense in, but Khali knocked him out of the ring with a right hand. Batista snapped Khali over the top rope, but ran into a big clothesline for two. Another “Batista†chant broke out as Khali tagged MVP. Both wrestlers put chokes on Batista, but he kicked out of a pin. Khali tagged back in with more stomps and Kevin Nash elbows. Khali missed a chop, which allowed the Animal to tag Kane. Kane hit a flurry of punches and clotheslines, but Khali took him to the mat with one of his own. Khali hit a headbutt and tagged MVP. MVP hit some punches but Kane caught him in a choke. Khali nailed Kane with a big chop from behind. MVP tagged Khali back in, and he stood on Kane’s fallen carcass. Khali hit a headbutt and a Big Show chop as the crowd started the first “Kane†chant I can remember ever hearing.
Khali stomped a mudhole in Kane before distracting the ref so MVP could snap him over the ropes. MVP and Kane traded rights before MVP got a drop toe hold for two. Kane got out with a scoop slam and some of his wonderful uppercuts, but MVP hit a facebuster for two. Kane hit a sideslam but couldn’t get to the corner before the US champ tagged Khali. Khali hit a legdrop but Batista made the save. Kane caught Khali in a choke but Khali got out with an elbow and hit the KHALI CHOP OF DOOM! He tagged MVP who was met with a uppercut. Batista finally got the tag and hit light offense on MVP as Coach said “you know what they say about a caged animal. Never let them out.†I keep my dogs in a cage overnight and let them out for the day. Guess Coach and I can’t be buddies. Batista hit some corner blocks and a clothesline, but the US champ escaped a power slam . Khali made a blind tag as Batista hit the power slam. Khali gave Batista the KHALI CHOP OF DOOM! But the Animal blocked the Vicegrip. He hit a spinebuster but MVP saved the match. Kane cleared the ring of MVP, got caught in a choke but was saved by a Batista spear which actually won the match.
Your winners, by pinfall, Batista and Kane! Pretty much a typical WWE tag team match where nothing was at stake. Khali and MVP have both been on cold runs full of losses lately, to the point where they both, especially MVP since he’s a champion, need some sort of win. Kane’s been getting wins lately, but a lot of them have been fortunate wins from tagging up with a more popular wrestler or scoring a lucky pinfall. Thirteen minutes, twenty eight seconds of what was shown.
MVP gestured as if to say “Ah, banana oil†after the match. Your random film reference that very few will understand was brought to you by me. Michael Cole reiterated the point that MVP can’t figure out how to beat Batista in any sort of match environment. Ah, so THAT’s what this match was about.
Later tonight, Zack Ryder will be in the only main event of his career when he takes on the Undertaker.
Back from break, ring announcer Justin Roberts announced 2007 Diva Search winner Eve Torres. Woop-dee-doo. She talked about the WWE Hall of Fame ceremony. She’ll never get there. The video package on Peter Maivia and Rocky Johnson aired. Video packages are definitely one area WWE excels.
A weird thing happened on my TIVO to where is jumped suddenly from the middle of the Rocky Johnson package to the Undertaker demanding Edge bring his minions out. I can tell you that Big Titty V squashed Balls Mahoney in the interim and Jesse/Festus beat John Miz-ison in a non title bout.
Undertaker promised to show Zack Ryder the same fate Edge will face at Wrestlemania. Edge’s music hit and he came out with both Edgeheads.
Match #7* The Undertaker vs. Zack Ryder (due to a TIVO error)
Undertaker chased Ryder and stared at Edge longingly for a few seconds. Ryder took the advantage and dropkicked Taker through the ropes. Ryder hit some light offense and jumped into Taker’s arms, who bashed him into the ringpost. Taker sent Ryder into the stairs as Edge and Hawkins watched. Taker booted Ryder in the head and hit the ring apron leg drop. Taker hit a big right and tried to launch Ryder into the corner but Ryder took it wrong and flipped around crazily off the ropes. Taker got some more light offense before throwing him out of the ring. Cole called it “vintage Undertaker.†I prefer the 2003 vintage myself.
Ryder Stunnered Taker off the ropes and tried a top rope move, but jumped into a choke. Hawkins distracted the ref as Ryder kicked Taker right in the tombstones. It got one, but Cole said it was two. He’s a moron and he failed math. Ryder choked Taker as a second “Taker†chant started. The Tuscon crowd isn’t very creative. Ryder kept going for turnbuckle punches but the Deadman kept pushing him off. Taker ran into a back elbow. Ryder kept the advantage with punches and shoulderblocks. Taker caught Ryder in a choke and Ryder was thrown into the corner without incident, but with plenty of rights and lefts. Taker hit a clothesline in the corner, Snake Eyes and a big boot. A legdrop scored a two. Big Evil hit the Chokeslam and starred daggers at Edge. Taker appiled the Lance Storm Doesn’t Approve Triangle Choke for the win.
Your winner, by submission, The Undertaker! Someday, the former Major Brother can tell his grandkids he was in the main event with the Deadman. Squashes should not main event, but this one did. I will bet money that next week, Taker wrestles Curt Hawkins. Six minutes, forty six seconds.
Edge and Hawkins attacked Taker immediately after the bell. That sort of violates everything wrestling’s ever told us. Heels that travel in herds usually interfere during a match. Ryder’s nose appeared to be bleeding. Hawkins and Edge worked on Taker until they double Canadian whipped him and Taker threw Curt down and Edge got out of Dodge. Undertaker delivered a Chokeslam to Hawkins and applied the Lance Storm Doesn’t Approve Triangle Choke. Edge yelled at the ref to make him break the hold. Ryder’s mouth was very bloody (I’m thinking capsule) and Taker had his blood running down his chest. The Phenom celebrated with the title belt as Smackdown went off the air.
Favorite match: I didn’t really have one this week. Most of the matches were solid, but nothing was there that I would consider watching again.
Least favorite match: Undertaker vs. Zack Ryder. Nothing against the wrestlers involved, just its place on the card. Squash matches should never main event a show in my opinion.
That’s it for the Crackdown. Hope you enjoyed and until next time, keep your teeth clean!
