It’s finals week gang, and that means lots and lots of writing for school papers. I shall be forced to only provide an abbreviated version of the Smackdown Crackdown this week, as I too am swamped with more educational endeavors. With Wrestlemania on the way, and the Smackdown wrestlers not really involved too much, apart from Edge, Taker, and Batista. Will more be revealed tonight? On to the action!
The Smackdown opening aired, nothing really different here.
Smackdown is NOT live from Cleveland, as we’re 23 days from Wrestlemania. Already in the ring is the World Champ Edge, General Manager Vickie and her assistant Peanuthead. It’s time for a segment of the Cutting Edge. Edge tells Vickie she’s beautiful, then gets to business. He says two legacies will come to an end at Wrestlemania: one of which is Taker’s undefeated streak. He’s never lost to Taker. Edge called himself the true Phenom. I’ll give him that, it’s a little silly to call a 40 something year old man a Phenom. Vickie booked the main event as Undertaker facing Edge, Ryder and Hawkins in a handicap match. Teddy stood in the corner not really doing anything. The other tragedy, Edge says, is the end of Ric Flair’s 35 year career. Naitch is the guest tonight on the Cutting Edge. Edge says Shawn Michaels will put a stop to the show. Flair said the show will go on, and he’ll wrestle long after Wrestlemania. Edge, with the comment of the year, sarcastically said Flair’s wrestling on will bring peace in the Middle East, fix the trillion dollar deficit and inspire Britney Spears to wear underwear. Unlike Edge, Flair has lost to Taker, in fact he did so at Wrestlemania. Edge asked him how that felt. Flair said that match was something he’d never forget, but that Edge couldn’t beat Taker at Wrestlemania either. He said it also helped his personal life, and Naitch called Edge’s relationship with Vickie a sham. Vickie tried to interject but Flair kept going, saying Edge used Vickie to enhance his career. Vickie asked who Flair who he thought he was questioning their love. Edge had her calm down and said he’d handle this. Edge made a match next week, Edge and his Heads against Ric Flair. Vickie made it a cage match as well. Edge WOO’d in his face and Flair slapped him. Teddy cracked a smile as Flair left the ring. Cole called it an assassination attempt. That’s not tasteful.
Back from break, Miz, Morrison and Chavo were in the ring. Coach said there couldn’t be three bigger egos in the ring. Is he supposed to be a heel or not? Jesse, Festus and CM Punk are their opponents.
Match #1 The Miz/John Morrison/Chavo Guerrero vs. Jesse/Festus/Chavo Guerrero
Cole asked how Punk’s knee was feeling right as the former champ leaped onto the turnbuckle. Festus chased people out of the ring as the bell sounded. Punk and Miz started the match. Miz hotshot Punk over the ropes. Chavo was hit with a back body drop. In comes Jesse who hit some quick offense on the ECW champ. Festus cleared the ring of Morrison as Jesse was pushed to the floor. Back from a break, Morrison was working the arm of Jesse. Festus tried to fire up the crowd. Miz tagged in but was pushed off. Festus came in and cleaned house. He hit a standing Awesome splash and the Albert kick on Miz for two. Things broke down into a melee. Jesse hit a suicide dive on Morrison as Festus hit a slam on Miz for the win.
Your winners, Jesse/Festus/CM Punk! Most of this match seemed to have been cut out with commercials, which led to a not particularly engaging matchup as Festus was the only member of his team to have an extended amount of time in the ring. This matchup could just as easily have been a singles match between Festus and Miz and nothing would’ve really been lost. Four minutes, forty seconds of what was shown.
Backstage Michelle McCool and Jaime Noble were talking. Jaime says most women are hot for him, saying he’s an Old Spice men, and women love his backside in a good pair of Wranglers. Noble said he wished their relationship would’ve worked but he wants out of it. Michelle seemed ok with it. If that’s the end of the whole storyline, it’s the least satisfying end ever.
Back from break, it’s the first United States title match on Smackdown since God knows when. All I could find was that it is the first time MVP has defended it on free TV, and since he’s been champion since last May, that just says a whole lot about how worthless that title is and how poor of a champion he is. Batista came out to an especially loud reaction.
Match #2 MVP vs. Batista for the United States title
Batista and MVP locked up, where Batista’s strength gave him the advantage. Batista took MVP down with a head drag type move. Batista hit some light offense but MVP avoided a running kick. Batista kept his advantage outside the ring and hit a drop toe hold inside the ring. Batista applied a single leg Boston crab but MVP was able to escape. Back from break, Batista hit some shoulderblocks and wrapped MVP’s leg around the ropes. The Animal hit a clothesline and more shoulderblocks. The referee amusingly told Batista “that’s enough.†MVP got an elbow. MVP got a pin so close to the ropes that Jimmy Korderas had to make the count outside the ring. MVP applied a headlock on the mat. Batista escaped but MVP caught him with a dropkick to the knee. Batista hit some punches but MVP caught him with a throat thrust and a facebuster for two. Cole asked what MVP had to do to beat Batista. Well, he could pin him, submit him, or even get a countout! MVP hit a running kick to Batista on the ring apron. The US champ attacked the left leg on Batista as but Batista escaped with some blows to the face. Batista sent himself into the ringpost. MVP sent himself into the turnbuckle as well. The former world champ hit some clotheslines and a Black Hole Slam for two. MVP got out of a power slam to hit the Eye of the Hurricane for two. The US champ went for the Playmaker but Batista hit a spinebuster. MVP went for the Batista Bomb but blocked a low blow and tossed MVP into the crowd. He then tossed him back into the ring. MVP slid back in the ring and shoved Batista into the announce desk as Korderas counted ten.
Your winner, by countout, and still United States champion, MVP! For weeks I have said MVP needed a really big win. Well, he sort of got one tonight, because it will give his character the opportunity to brag, but he didn’t actually beat the Animal. Pretty good match, but I’ll say it again, I loathe countout finishes. Ten minutes, forty seven seconds of what was shown.
The RAW recap aired. It recapped the moronic Hornswoggle angle. Downright pathetic.
Edge and Vickie tried to do some loving, but were interrupted by Jaime Noble. Noble wants a match with Palumbo. Noble’s not afraid of anybody. Vickie tells Noble that Kane is wrestling Chuck tonight. Vickie made it Noble vs. Show since he was whining about not being afraid of wrestling people bigger than him.
The Mae Young Hall of Fame tribute video aired. What a shame that they don’t have more video of her in her prime and less of her disgusting horndog old woman gimmick.
Coach hosted a swimsuit contest. Eve, Cherry, Maryse, Victoria, and Michelle were involved. My interest wasn’t. It’s like every other swimsuit contest. Coach said this will go on for weeks. Wonderful. Victoria fell off the middle rope. Apparently they’re doing an American Idol, text your vote stupidity here. A waste of TV time only comparable to the Diva Search. A catfight broke out amongst some women I can’t identify except with title graphics.
Back from break, Kane made stuff explode and cued his music. He decided not to make the turnbuckles explode. Chuck Palumbo came out as his opponent. I guess we’ll finally be able to see how Chuck’s no gimmick translates against larger opponents. Someone in the front was wearing the legendary bWo shirt.
Match #3 Kane vs. Chuck Palumbo
They locked up and Kane got the advantage but Chuck took over. Kane got some shots in, but Chuck again retook the advantage with clubbing blows. He hit a big clothesline for two. Chuck ran into a big boot and Kane hit some clotheslines and right hands. Kane hit some more clotheslines and a sideslam for two. Kane went up top but was met by a kick. Another kick led to a Kane sit up, but Chuck escaped a choke with headbutts. Kane hit a Chokeslam for the win.
Your winner, Kane! Kane gets a win, but where does it leave Chuck? Two minutes, thirty eight seconds.
Backstage, Big Show was headed to the ring.
Back from break, various boxers talked about the Big Show vs. Floyd Mayweather match at Wrestlemania. Even Michael Buffer had something to say.
Jaime Noble was already in the ring as Big Show cued his music.
Match #4: Jaime Noble vs. The Big Show
Noble kicked at Show’s legs but Show threw him right into the mat. He punted Noble in the ribs. Noble kicked Show right in the showbowskis for the DQ.
Your winner, by DQ, The Big Show! Well, here comes the beatdown. 42 seconds
Show caught Noble in a choke and hit a giant chop. Show hit a big right hand also He followed it up with another shot to the kidneys. Jaime Noble bled from the mouth as Big Show hit a third blow. Show took the mic afterwards to say most fans didn’t like him, but Floyd Mayweather is liked less. He talked about the 20 million dollars Mayweather is supposedly earning. Big Show says that at Wrestlemania, Floyd’s career will be bankrupt. Good promo, basically a recap from last week, but still it remains effective.
Back from break, Edge and his Heads were already in the ring for their handicap match. When the champion is denied his full ring entrance, that’s really weak. Next week, a rematch between Batista and MVP will occur, under No Holds Barred rules. Undertaker cued his music and entered the arena. Taker’s entrance is truly one of the best things in WWE, and something that must be experienced live at least once.
Match #5: Edge/Zack Ryder/Curt Hawkins vs. The Undertaker
Hawkins started the match for his team. Taker dished out some right hands and slammed Hawkins into a turnbuckle. Ryder tagged in and was hit with a headbutt and a right hand. He tossed Ryder into a corner too. Taker tossed the Edgehead out of the ring. Taker kicked Ryder on the ring apron and hit the leg drop. Taker hit a clothesline, but Ryder was pulled out of the way as Taker went for a boot. Ryder was able to take advantage with light offense. Ryder hit a dropkick. Hawkins tagged in and hit an elbow. Ryder tagged in and hit a standing Awesome splash. Ryder tagged in and hit a knee drop. Edge tagged in, but got caught in a choke. Edge escaped but was met with a DDT. Undertaker went for Old School but dropped into the ring with a great armdrag. Edge tagged in again but was met with a boot. He tried to lock in the Lance Storm Doesn’t Approve Triangle Choke, but the Edgeheads broke it up. Taker hit a double Chokeslam on the Heads, but Edge was the legal man and hit a spear for the win.
Your winners, by pinfall, Edge, Zack Ryder and Curt Hawkins. High energy for a handicap match. Edge gets the pin on his Wrestlemania opponent despite being able to avoid him most of the match. That’s good heel wrestling. An important chapter in the Edge and Taker feud. Five minutes, thirty seconds.
Favorite match: Sort of a slow week match wise, so MVP vs. Batista takes this weeks honors.
Least favorite match: Jesse/Festus/CM Punk vs. Miz/John Morrison/Chavo Guerrero. Plenty of talent in the ring, but only being able to see four minutes of Festus dominated match guarantees that it wasn’t a very good match.
Well, that’s it for the Crackdown this week. Good luck on your finals, and as always, keep your teeth clean.
