London and Kendrick have fun with masks at Charlie Haas’s expense, and some other stuff that can barely be contained on WWE’s tiny screen!
Your hosts are Joey Styles wimpier brother Todd Grisham and John Morrison’s more meterosexual half cousin Josh Matthews.
Opening Match: Melina w/ A Glamorous Amazon vs. Mickie James w/sanity
Melina looks positively giddy during her entrance; almost too much so. I mean sure, she’s got a match at Wrestlemania, but she’s just serving as Beth Phoenix’s sidekick. Why is she that happy to be hanging out with a muscular alpha woman? I just can’t put my finger on it. I mean, really; subtext? What subtext?
We cut away from my strained attempts at linking to comics blogs and Melina’s split on the apron for a WWE Moblie clip of Candice’s cleavage. Also, Melina cuts a promo on Candice, and it’s her usual “I’m too classy to pose naked” schtick, and gets the taste slapped out of her mouth for her trouble. But really, I just mention it so I can talk about cleavage. Not just because I’m easily titilated, but because it’s a fun word. Cleavage!
Ahem. Mickie James bounces down to the ring. With Maria getting the Playboy push (at least they’re not throwing her out there to die in a singles match like Ashley and Christy Hemme) and Candice regaining her spot as the top babyface diva, Mickie’s back to being the equivalent of a jobber to the stars in Diva land. I’d care more if I didn’t like Maria and Candice a lot (and, you know, lust after them; man, I’m coming across like a pubescent 15 year old here), although it does have to be said that it’s kind of depressing that Mickie’s two years away from having one of the best women’s matches in the history of the company on their biggest show and she’ll be loitering around the ring for the second consecutive year. She really needs to go off her meds and start acting crazy again. They could get a pretty cool storyline out of that with any of the other Divas, really.
Before I start fantasy booking the Divas, I’d better talk about the match. I do appreciate Mickie’s cheeriness, especially considering she’s going to job here. Melina makes faces during Mickie’s posing in the ring, which one of my favorite things about her character, and would be worthy of the old “Little Things” column. It enhances her bitchy image.
Talking about the match keeps eluding me. Melina gets a cheap shot to start to take control. She then sucks her thumb and jabs it in Mickie’s eye, which is a fresh take on an old heel favorite; she gets heat for fighting dirty and being unsanitary! She tries to forcefeed Mickie some turnbuckle, but Mickie avoids it and sends Melina to the buckle, getting a bridging roll up for two. Melina begs off, but Mickie grabs her by the arm and pops her one in the mouth. That seems to be happening to her a lot lately. Mickie follows that up with a dropkick to a kneeling Melina, and then follows that up with a catapult, in to a roll through, and then a half crab. That was pretty cool, even if it happened fairly slowly. It’s not fluid like Lance Storm’s old roll through crab or anything, but it’s a spot I haven’t seen before, and that goes a long way in my book. Especially on Heat.
Melina grabs the ropes to break and takes over, tossing Mickie face first to the mat. Then she works the hair, presumably setting up her dreaded Bang Deathlock. She transitions from that to a chinlock.
Mickie tries to escape the hold, but Melina cuts her off and slams her to the mat face first again, then locks in a straightjacket chinlock. As far as restholds go, it’s a pretty good one, because it makes it look like the person taking it is choking themself out with their own arms. Mickie just kinda stands up and elbows out before taking Melina down a couple times. They slug it out, and Mickie wins that with a cool spinkick to the gut, and then a running boot. She hits a couple of jumping elbow smashes, and then gets her rana out of the corner. Her reverse neckbreaker gets two. Well, at least she’s getting a lot of offense.
Melina goes to the eyes to stem the tide, but Micke slides under her legs on a baseball slide and gets a thesz press and punches away. Beth Phoenix hops on the apron to distract her, engaging Mickie’s stupid baby face gene and causing her to charge to the apron to after her, ignoring her opponent. That gives Melina an opening to sneak up behind her and sandwhich her in between the ropes and causing her to bounce off them, which leads to a unique bump that straddles the line between looking goofy and painful. Mickie sells it like death, so I’ll go with the latter. It sets her up for Melina’s “Hey, look, I’m flexible!” reverse DDT in to a leg drop for the pin, her leg across Mickie’s throat. This was the usual solid match between these two.
Postmatch, Beth Phoneix cuts a promo, and it’s the usual “hey __, we have a message for you, through the medium of beatdown!” It’s followed by the first all female Doomsday Device I’ve ever seen, which makes up for it. Wasn’t as cool as the female tower of doom that the Knockouts pulled out on Impact when they were first starting that division up, but still pretty cool. And I’m sure that the Shimmer women do crazy spots, too, but I’m going to do my best to be the one guy around her who doesn’t talk about Northeastern Indie Feds.
A Mayweather/Big Show hype package for ‘Mania airs. Man, their attempt at a promo on RAW was brutal, and not just because they were trying to sync up a taped Mayweather with Show; after hearing this guy talk twice Monday, I have a hard time believing he helped carry a reality show that got his fight with De La Hoya so much buzz.
Match 2: Robbie McAllister and Charlie Haas Need A Wacky Tag Team Name vs. London and Kendrick, the 21st Century Rockers
London and Kendrick are free to swipe that name, by the way. They might get a push on RAW if they could convince someone to package them that way. And I can take credit for it! Me!
London and Kendrick don’t charge the ring (perhaps because London’s making his comeback from an injury I missed when I was ignoring Heat), but London makes up for it with his wacky glasses, which cause Grisham and Matthews to riff on Bill and Ted for a little while. As much crap as I can give these guys for being nerds, they’re growing on me with stuff like that, and their not being JR and King (it was nice to watch a Divas match without Lawler’s schtick, even if I was trying to provide a substitute for it there). And hell, I referenced a comic blog on a wrestling site, so who am I calling a nerd?
Self awareness aside, we have another match for me to recap. Kendrick and Haas start off, and that’s a match I’d love to see get 20 minutes. Also, I’d like a jetpack. Haas works Kendrick’s arm, and Spanky literally flips out (using the ropes) to get out of that, tagging in London in the process. Some stuff happens that I don’t want to rewind using WWE’s crappy media player, and London winds up on the apron, hitting a sunset flip from there for two, with Haas hitting the cool leg scissor smash to the head to break the pin. You know what I’m talking about.
Haas crawls to the corner, then realizes Shelton Benjamin’s not his partner anymore and decides to just tough it out, eating an arm drag and then a tandem hip toss after Kendrick tags in for two. Haas knees Kendrick to give himself an opening and decides to tag the goof wearing a kilt. Kendrick arm drags him and then goes to the arm, as Grisham and Matthews talk about the storylines instead of the match, but at least it’s the fairly interesting Jericho/Hardy segment. After their good match a couple weeks back, I could go for a post-Mania feud between them, and if nothing else, it was nice to see Hardy take on an edge to go with his main event push. Besides, look at Cena and Batista; all the successful new main event faces need to be booed for something, and at least Hardy’s were for something he did instead of existing (unless Eric Szulczewski was in the crowd).
Back to the match, which was waiting patiently for me via the pause button as I went on my tangent, Kendrick drop toe holds Robbie and London adds an elbow. That gets two, and then they go back to the damned arm. I appreciate the attempt at psychology, but can they vary the body part? After London stays on the mat, Kendrick hits a spinning axe handle and then kicks the hell out of Kilty’s arm to liven things up. Matthews says “Who’s to say that a Charlie Haas or Paul London won’t get in to Money in the Bank.” I dunno for sure, but I think his name rhymes with “Blintz McShan”. London could steal the show in there, though. Which is probably why he won’t get a shot. I’m sure it’s someone’s job in WWE solely to hold him down. Well, besides Paul himself.
Robbie backs Kendrick in the corner, and his team finally gets somewhere, as Haas chokes him out with the tag rope and Robbie playing to his greatest strength by standing around while it happens. Unfortunately, that’s also his greatest weakness, as Kendrick furiously fights out of the corner (well, relatively furiously, I guess), dropkicking Haas off the apron and getting a roll up on Robbie for two. Robbie briskly jogs in to a hip toss for two, and we get an upskirt shot in the process.
Haas is back with his lucha mask, and the distraction of the mysterious masked man in Haas’s singlet is enough for Robbie to get his first offensive move of the match, clotheslining Kendrick out of his boots. Tag to Haas, and this should be fun. Hopefully. I still think it would work better in the indies, but I do have a soft spot for these goofy things doomed to only be mildly amusing. Which is why I hung in with TNA for as long as I did before all but swearing them off recently.
Anyway, Haas tosses Kendrick to the ropes and hits a shoulderblock, complete with a goofy looking run. He follows that with an MVP-esque running boot to the face, and then gets his swank belly to belly. Energized by his mask, he knocks London off the mat and then splashes Kendrick for two.
Body slam to Kendrick, and now Haas has a mask for Robbie, whom he tags in. This gimmick is growing on me more by the moment, especially with Robbie slingshotting in with a leg drop on Kendrick. See, it makes everyone a better wrestler! Unfortunately, a lucha/Highlander hybrid gimmick and 15 subsequent world titles is not to be for Robbie, as he throws his mask at Haas and gets school boyed for two. Serves him right, ungrateful jerk!
Robbie gets another clothesline, and adds some choking, lest we think he doesn’t have an eclectic move set. Haas tags in and goes for a powerbomb, but Kendrick unmasks him and hits a sweet calf kick to start his crawl for the Heat tag. He eventually gets there, and London gets to clean house, which is always a blast.
Well, not so much now, but he does have ring rust. Clotheslines and dropkicks for Robbie. He reverses a whip and nimbly hops over Robbie, but eats a knee. Robbie springs off the top turnbuckle, but London sweeps him. Cool idea, not the best execution, but again, I appreciate any effort on Heat. He then gets a standing stomp. It’s just not a mushroom stomp to me unless he’s springboarding off of something. Also, Robbie did not disappear. That leads to a sweat snap rana for two, with Haas breaking up the fall.
Kendrick dropkicks Haas out of the ring, causing him to drop his mask, and he dons it before hitting a plancha. That leaves London and Robbie alone. Robbie crotches him, but London fights back and knocks him off the top. Now, Kendrick tosses London the mask, and we get a top rope mushroom stomp and a running shooting star press to finish. Apparently, Grisham wound up getting a mask. That was a pretty fun match, and the commentary added to it while still getting all the mandated advertising in, instead of stock down home witicisms.
Snitsky (w/ intimidating piano music) vs. Val Venis (International Shaved Head Champion) (Non-Title Match)
That title I made up is not on the line because, again, it’s Heat. Instead of recapping this match at all, I’m going to point out Val’s longevity, and his strange place in the WWE food chain. He hasn’t had been pushed as a serious contender in years, so he’s not on the same footing as a veteran like Hardcore Holly. In fact, he’s pretty much a jobber to the stars, but he’s not as pathetic as someone like Scotty 2 Hotty wound up being in that position. He’s a solid worker who’s basically blended in to the undercard and seems perfectly happy jobbing on RAW and working Heat. There aren’t a lot of guys like that around anymore; hell, even Stevie Richards gets a push on ECW these days.
Anyway, after bumping around for Snitsky, Val does make a comeback, which includes a notably impressive shoulder block. Unfortunately, he runs in to Snitsky’s two big moves, the big boot and pumphandle slam, in succession and does the job. Grisham tries the old “the crowd’s in stunned silence” bit to make Snitsky’s lack of heat seem less lame. Well, they were chanting “brush your teeth” at him at one point, so he’s got that.
The Maria/Carlito commercial, which is both mildly amusing (especially Carlito slamming the fake pigeon on a table) and apparently based on real events involving everyone’s favorite straight edger.
Main Event: Paul Burchill and Katie Lea love each other a lot vs. Jim Duggan and his inanimate life partner, the 2X4
Duggan demanded this match after Burchill layed him out last week. Wow, continuity on Heat! Lea cuts a promo on Duggan, and she’s not bad on the mic at all, even if calling Duggan washed up at this point is like picking a fight with water because of how wet it is.
Duggan, ever the American hero, threatens the unarmed Burchill with his 2×4, or tuba four, as my father pronounces it. Duggan pounds away on Burchill on the ropes to start, then gets a hip toss and some clotheslines and then playing to the crowd with a “Ho!” Well, he’s pretty much run through his whole move set. He decides to cycle back through it from the beginning with some more punches and another ho, but Burchill necksnaps him to take over as Katie distracts the ref.
Burchill chokes him out, then takes him down by the leg and stomps away before locking on a head vice. Duggan struggles out, getting a weak USA chant. That enough to energize him for to fight out with punches and elbows, but Burchill cuts off his rally with a knee to the gut. A kneedrop gets two. Duggan slugs away, but Burchill elbows him down to cut that off. Matthews talks about how Burchill moves like a cruiserweight despite his size, which reminds me to mention how he’s not doing that at all here. Admittedly, it’s not like you can expect him to work at a break neck pace with Duggan or anything.
Hacksaw tries to rally by taking what looks like leisurely walk around the ring (it was like he was Hulking Up, but couldn’t be bothered to do the mannerisms). More slugging, and Burchill agains cuts off Duggans offense with a kick to the gut. He gets some shoulder tackles in the corner and then slaps on a chinlock. Duggan fights out of it. Burchill tries to send him face first in to the turnbuckle, but Duggan blocks it and gets all ironic by sending him in to the buckle. He follows that up with more ho’ing and some punching, cutting it off before the fans can start counting.
Duggan backdrops him and sets up for the three point stance. Burchill looks to be going for the 2X4 to block, but the ref cuts that off, so he goes with plan B and dodges it. That causes Duggan to hit the buckle chest first, and Burchill schoolboys him on the rebound, grabbing the tights for good measure for the pin. Well, Duggan really needed to be protected from taking a clean fall there. Wait, why? I’d bitch more about it, but it’s not like anyone’s going to see it. It will be interesting to see how they do with Burchill on RAW, if he isn’t already stuck in the WWE’s digital wrestling purgatory.
One thing you can say about this show; it’s the one regular WWE program that sticks mostly to the wrestling. And hey, at this point, I’d rather watch and talk about it than TNA. Thanks to anyone who came along for the ride. I’ll probably be less verbose next time.
