Top 5 WrestleMania Booking Errors

Columns, Top Story

There have been a lot of great moments in WrestleMania history. Mike Tyson knocking out Shawn Michaels with a cheeky l’il jab. Miss Elizabeth and Randy Savage reuniting in the ring when all hope was lost. Steve Austin losing consciousness rather than giving up to Bret Hart. Hulk Hogan bodyslamming Andre the Giant and eradicating world poverty, or so we are told. But whilst such wholesome and enjoyable entertainment is all well and good for the Eugenes of the world, what are we, the seething, jealous, bitter, twisted, jaded, salted-snack-eating online masses of the internet to do? Shut up and realise that we’ve rarely had it so good, or bitch away and revel in the occasional faults of others? Have a f*cking guess.

Now, let’s crank up the crankyness factor (Krankies not included, thankfully) and take a look at where previous WrestleManias went wrong…

1. Hulk Hogan kills Canada, Japan and Samoa (WrestleMania IX, 04 April 1993)

The gaudy, neon-n-toga freakshow that was WrestleMania IX would probably be quite enjoyable in a kitsch, campy, kooky and, hell, even kinky kinda way today were it not for the abomination that was the impromptu ‘bonus’ main event. Okay, so Bret Hart vs Yokozuna might not have been the greatest title match in the history of these PPVs but by 1993’s standards it was perfectly acceptable. In terms of pure match quality it was certainly better than what the previous two Manias had managed. Then out came the ‘roided-down star of Mr Nanny to fight for the rights of every man, especially when that man’s name is Terry Bollea. In retrospect it was obvious going into the event just what lay in store, yet watching it at the time my innocent l’il mind could not allow itself to be sullied by the corrupt lies of Hulkamania anymore. After the ‘match’ was over, the familiar power chords were kicking off and the strange fat man in a toga doing commentary was trying to persuade me that Hulkamania would live forever, I swore off watching the WWF ever again. Well, until Bret got the belt back. That should have happened at SummerSlam ’93, yet instead Hogan and Vince McMahon had a massive sulk-off and the WWF title scene fell into a sink hole that no Lex Luger bus rides were capable of rescuing it from.


Watchya gonnadoo when ah’s poopin’ on you, brutha?

2. The McMahons kill the Main Event (WrestleMania XVI, 02 April 2000)

In 2000 the WWF could have booked Funaki vs Steve Blackman in the main event of WrestleMania and gotten away with it, largely because at the time this event was taking place WCW was revolving around Planet Jarrett and giving the likes of Big T a PPV match. Still, there really was no legitimate reason for them not to have just gone with Triple H vs The Rock in a one-on-one title match to showcase the flagship event of the year. Adding the Big Show to the match was but one of many attempts to delude themselves into thinking that he was worth the money, which is something they are still trying to prove in 2008. Getting Mick Foley involved was ludicrous considering that his ‘retirement’ storyline with Triple H over the previous two PPVs had been handled so well that even Curt Hennig would have had to have admitted “Dang, that’s perfect”. Bringing him back so soon was folly. Bringing him back when he was, even by his own standards, a real fat bastard was a mistake (although gaining that much weight so quickly was rather impressive). Bringing him back for Linda McMahon’s benefit was surreal. Is she secretly hardcore? The mind boggles. In the end, having sated the collective egos of the clan McMahon, the match came down to just the Hs and the Rock after all. The heel won. Hogan didn’t appear to win the belt back to save the universe. The world did not end, yet it sure found Backlash all the more enjoyable that year.


Aw, Vince gone broke my wanking hand…

3. Excitement dies a dreary death (WrestleMania IV, 27 March 1988)

WrestleMania IV: four hours long and as exciting as watching paint dry whilst counting the ticks of a clock as an old person discusses what is wrong with biscuits today at great and repetitive length. WrestleMania XXIII: four hours long and as far in the other direction on the excitement swing-o-meter as most anything else that tends to require the keeping on of the clothing. Difference? Well, 20 years for starters. There’s also a very good reason why the company later stopped making those King of the Ring PPVs, not to mention cutting them down to just the semi-finals for the final years of the event. Boredom. Bam Bam Bigelow losing to the One Man Gang by count-out in three minutes is pretty f*cking far removed from must-see broadcasting, let alone must-buy. As if a massive knock-out tournament wasn’t dull enough, they somehow felt obligated to pad the card out further by adding in such necessities as Jesse Ventura bodybuilding, Bobby Heenan wrestling and WOYAH getting to tickle Hercules. And if all this leaves you, the wrestling fan, feeling apathetic, just imagine the response of the curious and the regretful in Trump Plaza. Sweet mother of christ I’m getting tired just thinking about it.


Sights to wake up to, #1A…

4. The Hs die amid Canadian apathy (WrestleMania XVIII, 17 March 2002)

We’ve already seen how the Hs big Mania moment in 2000 yielded underwhelming reactions. The following year he was frozen out of the blockbuster title match and instead had to job to the Undertaker because some people had just realised Taker’s winning streak existed. Then his leg exploded and got better because of listening to Bono singing, or so WWE’s music video department informed me, and so he was well enough to return and pose and yell in Madison Square Garden for seventy-five minutes. Victory and a major Mania main event moment would be his, everyone else be damned. The Rock? Part-timer. Austin? Been done. The nWo? Pure WCW. Jericho? Nothing but a glorified Mexican, as evidenced by his wardrobe on the night, but it doesn’t matter because there was a far more riveting storyline constructed around Lucy the dead dog. And Stephanie not being pregnant but having fake tits now. And nobody cared a jot, they just wanted to see The Game deliver another four-star performance. And he could not, for he had been made worse than he was before… bigger… slower… duller… And all of this after Canada had turned Hulk Hogan face. Weird. Between them, Hogan and the Hs provided some abysmal TV for the rest of 2002. Cheers, Toronto.


F*ck you, I know Lemmy

5. Child murderer wins title, hugs mate (WrestleMania XX, 14 March 2004)

In terms of magnitude the repercussions of this one far surpass the other entries on this list. Still, it would be unfair to place too much revisionist blame for this one on WWE. How could anybody have predicted the complete and horrible breakdown of Benoit a little more than three years after his career peaked in Madison Square Garden? It is as empty a question as asking whether or not Nancy and Daniel would still be alive if Benoit had not experienced the steady professional demotion that inevitably followed making Triple H tap-out to win the World Heavyweight Title in the biggest match of his career. Reports of his behaviour leading up to the dreadful end more often than not made mention of how paranoid he was about being put out to pasture, of how he was pushing himself harder than ever before – mentally, physically and even chemically – and of how he was struggling to adapt to the twilight of his vocational life. The fact that he had to adjust to all of this without the companionship of good friends like Eddie Guerrero made it all the harder – and all the harder for people to accept given the celebratory aftermath of this particular match. Would Eddie have made it out alive had his heart not been subjected to the additional strain of the high-pressure role of WWE Champion? Too many questions. Too easy to think that John Cena can handle the heavy workload and great responsibilities he faces… too scary to think about what sort of state he might be in five years from now. Oh well, at least we’ve got theoretical Wellness now. The best theory I’ve heard about the policy is that they managed to recover Benoit’s body just before his brain died. They had the ability to reform his ruptured psyche, to master his thoughts and reprogram him with cyborg tissue from Cyberdyne Systems, sending him out there to punish the unwell, framing Booker T for ordering illegal drugs, sending racist messages to Bobby Lashley until he gave up, squirting steroids into C.M. Punk’s Pepsi supply and burning down Jeff Hardy’s house whilst crossfacing his dead dog. He’s hardcore, he’s hardcore. Hey, I can rewrite history too. It’s easy, since almost all or none of it officially never ever happened, right?


One day I shall avenge you, my son…

Until next time…