This week I’m coming in sick and very sleepy, so this may not be pretty.
We start off with … video game footage of Batista vs. Umaga? Well that’s one way to hype both WrestleMania and SmackDown Vs. RAW.
The actual Batista makes his way on out, and he’s going to be squashing!
Batista vs. Deuce and Domino
Batista beats up Deuce first, and while Deuce and Domino get a brief advantage, Batista still goes all Batista and beats them.
Winner: Batista
-Three out of Ten. Usually my knee jerk reaction would be to give this a minus five, but this wasn’t that bad.
Cherry and Maryse have a moment backstage. Maryse thinks the contest is fixed because Cherry is still in it, while Maryse isn’t. Maryse says Cherry isn’t a diva, she’s a dog … I wonder if this will actually lead anywhere?
Still to come tonight: Undertaker vs. Chavo Guerrero.
Commercials.
Ass. GM Theodore Long introduces us to the third week of the SmackDown Diva Competition. Victoria looks to have a new entrance video, and from what little we see of it, I like it. Tonight it’s an arm wrestling festival! Victoria, despite not being the super awesome pyscho we all love her for, is absolutely awesome and over the top in this segment. Victoria defeats Eve, Mc defeats Cherry and Mc beats Victoria. Theodore Long announces just who has been eliminated, and it’s … they’ve even got a drum roll for it … Victoria! Seriously? RIGGED! Victoria attacks Mc afterwards and the other girls do their best to hold them apart.
Commercials.
Video for Floyd Mayweather, followed by one for Big Show vs. Mayweather.
The Big Show vs. Luke Hawz, Andy Douglas and Chase Stevens
Big Show out does Batista’s squash tonight.
Winner: The Big Show
-Five out of Ten. Kind of hard to care about this many squashes in just one night.
Edge is in action, next!
Commercials.
Edge w/ Curt Hawkins and Zach Ryder vs. Funaki
Pretty much your average one sided affair. Not as much of a squash as Batista or The Big Show’s matches tonight, but it’d might as well be. Funaki actually gets some legitimate offence in, including a few near falls. The match comes to an end after Edge tombstones Funaki. See, that’s the sort of booking they should have utilized headed into WrestleMania, pity it’s too little too late.
Winner: Edge
Glorified squash, but still an actual sort of match. I really couldn’t have cared about this match at all though, but bless them for trying I suppose. One out of Ten. Edge gets on the microphone post match and reminds us that he’s apparently never lost to the Undertaker (ignoring all those Edge and Christian vs. Undertaker and Rock / Kane matches from almost a decade ago). P.S. The idea of Edge winning with the tombstone is cool, but here’s one big problem … he had competition with Funaki. Not [b]just[/b] a squash match, but Funaki got shots in. This match should have been spear and Tombstone, that’s all.
Commercials.
It’s time for the V.I.P Lounge with Montel Vontavious Porter! Porter’s set now includes a ladder underneath the Money In The Bank briefcase match. Porter says tonight he’ll interview Chris Jericho. Porter puts himself over and says he’s better than every other man in the Money In The Bank match, but before he can name Jericho specifically – the Y2J Countdown cuts him off. Mmmm, Jericho. Jericho’s excited to be back on SmackDown, and says he hates a rambler with his own talk show. Jericho goes to reintroduce himself but Porter cuts him off and states “I know who you are, I invited you hereâ€. Porter runs down all the nicknames of Jericho, adding that Big Show knocked him out on Jericho. Porter again goes to say that he’s the highest paid, but Jericho this time cuts him off. Jericho calls him over paid and over rated. Jericho mentions the coincidence of being named MVP, and then introduces a few lacklustre name suggestions, although the Jackass one is nice. Porter asks what Jericho is going to ’save us’ from, since he can’t save himself from Orton, Layfield or Show. Porter climbs the ladder and grabs the briefcase, but Jericho responds by tipping the ladder over. Jericho poses with the Intercontinental Championship and the Briefcase afterwards … Was that segment underwhelming or did I just have my expectations up too much?
Still to come: Undertaker vs. Chavo Guerrero.
Commercials.
Kane vs. Chuck Palumbo
Kane off the ropes with a shoulder block for a one count. Palumbo gets tossed into the corner, Kane goes for offence but Palumbo cowers between the ropes. Palumbo sends Kane into the steel post and follows with a school boy for a failed pinfall attempt. Palumbo with a arm bar, incorporating elbow shots with it as well. Palumbo drags Kane by the leg into a clothesline for a two count, before he goes right back to the arm bar. Palumbo runs into a big boot by Kane, and Kane follows up with a flying clothesline. Kane signals for the choke slam but Palumbo rolls outside. Palumbo begins leaving the area but Kane keeps him at ringside before sending him back into the ring. Kane clotheslines Palumbo out of the ring, as we head to a commercial break.
Commercials.
We’re back and the match is still going on … sadly. Thankfully, The Great Khali cuts it short when he storms down to the ring and takes out Kane and Palumbo. Chop to Kane, Khali Bomb to Palumbo, and then another Khali Bomb but this time to Kane.
Winner: No Contest
Mark Henry then storms out. Henry blocks the chop, and Henry picks Khali up for a World’s Strongest Slam. Splash to Palumbo in the corner, and then a World’s Strongest Slam to Kane! Match was long and bland, but they did something to fill the time as opposed to nothing. The post match shenanigans weren’t that bad and could’ve actually used one or two more wrestlers coming down to attack them. -One out of Ten.
Coach and Cole hype the Hall of Fame. Also to be inducted now is Eddie Graham, promoter and wrestler. He will be inducted by Dusty Rhodes. Good for him.
Commercials.
WWE Tag Team Championship: Jesse and Festus vs. John Morrison and The Miz
Morrison and Festus begin the match. Festus with some big punches and a shoulder block. Morrison slides out of the ring to escape Festus, but Festus follows and gets a big time throat shot. Festus and Morrison return to the ring, and Miz fails at attacking Festus. Jesse in with a spinning neck breaker to Morrison for a two count. Jesse trips Morrison in the corner and follows up with a flying cross body. Miz distracts Jesse long enough for Morrison to nail the springboard kick. Miz in with elbows to Jesse. Miz with a full nelson variation applied to Jesse. Miz chokes Jesse at the ropes, and Morrison tags in. Morrison poses over Jesse, and Jesse turns it into a pinfall for a two count. Morrison with a neck breaker for a two count. Miz back in, he covers Jesse for a two count. Miz with knees to the spine of Jesse. Morrison back in, he stops Jesse from tagging out to Festus and then puts the stomps to Jesse. Jesse stops a suplex attempt from Morrison and gets the tag to Festus! Miz in, but Festus destroys him! Festus nails the weird groin drop to Miz, Jesse tagged in and gets tossed onto Miz! Morrison sends Festus outside and breaks up the pinfall Jesse had over Miz. Miz with the Reality Check to Jesse for the three count!
Winners and Still Tag Team Champions: John Morrison and The Miz
The good match you’d expect from this quartet. Six out of Ten.
Cole announces that next week it will be Intercontinental Champion Chris Jericho vs. United States Champion Montel Vontavious Porter.
Commercials.
RAW Recap: Cena and Orton vs. RAW. Didn’t see it but, hey, looks like it could have been interesting.
Commercials.
Chavo Guerrero w/ Edge, Curt Hawkins and Zach Ryder vs. The Undertaker
Taker with an irish whip to Guerrero, following up with a big shoulder body toss. Undertaker with shoulder blocks and Old School. Guerrero goes after the leg of Taker with some kicks, but his momentum doesn’t last for particularly long. Undertaker goes for the Chokeslam but Guerrero attacks the knee again, Guerrero off the ropes into a sidewalk slam from Undertaker for a two count. Undertaker stares down Edge and co, allowing Guerrero to send Taker out of the ring. Guerrero slams Taker face first into the announcer’s table. Back in the ring, Guerrero takes control of the match and locks in an arm bar. Undertaker lifts Guerrero up, the arm bar still attached, and drops Guerrero down, breaking the arm bar. Taker with rights to Guerrero, running splash in the corner is followed by the snake eyes big boot combo. Taker knocks Edge and Hawkins off the apron and catches Guerrero with the Chokeslam! Ryder gets thrown out of the ring. The Gogoplata ends this.
Winner: The Undertaker
Post match, the heels try to beat down Undertaker but Undertaker doesn’t let them get the advantage. Undertaker sets Ryder and Hawkins up for a double choke slam but Edge nails a spear! Edge, Ryder and Hawkins go at Undertaker with chair shots. One final big chair shot from Edge puts The Undertaker down for good, and Edge takes advantage of the situation to nail Undertaker with the conchairto! The match itself was passable, but the chair beat down afterwards was certainly my favourite part. Three out of Ten.
Batista defeats Deuce and Domino: -3/10
The Big Show defeats Luke Hawx, Andy Douglas and Chase Stevens: -5/10
Edge defeats Funaki: 1/10
Kane and Chuck Palumbo go to a No Contest: -1/10
John Morrison and The Miz defeat Jesse and Festus: 6/10
The Undertaker defeats Chavo Guerrero: 3/10
SmackDown 21/03/08: 1/60
Oh god this show was bad, and that’s not just the tiredness and the sickness talking. With a combined total of four acceptable moments (the Tag Title Match, VIP Lounge, Victoria’s over acting and the Main Event), over the course of a slow two hours, I can’t suggest this episode for too many people. The segments themselves on you tube? Sure. But unless squashes and long, slow, dull matches get you going, then it’d just be best to stay away. Until next week!
