After years of frustration, lack of fulfillment, and bewilderment with the product offered by World Wrestling Entertainment, I recently swore off WWE programming and found refuge in the greener pastures of indy feds like Ring of Honor and CHIKARA. But since the “Road to WrestleMania†is drawing ever nearer to its final destination in Orlando in just one week, I thought this would be a good time to take a look at their three weekly broadcasts, as they build to their biggest event of the year.
TODAY’S ISSUE: A one-week look at WWE.
Thanks to the efforts of my comrades in arms at Pulse Wrestling, I’m still informed about current WWE storylines. I’m familiar with the Floyd Mayweather stuff with Big Show, the triple threat for the bling belt on RAW, the Edge/Undertaker match for the big gold belt on SmackDown!, and the “interbrand†showdown between Batista and Umaga. That one alone should be worth the $65 price tag, by golly! I know Jeff Hardy is out, so it’s likely a surprise entrant will participate in the MITB match, and I think Chavo Guerrero’s still the ECW champ.
So I sacrifice for you, my loyal readers, and step back down into the pit of wrestlecrap that is WWE for one full week; five hours of the stuff I don’t watch anymore.
RAW – Monday, March 17th. Triple H is the acting GM for the night, and he’s going to make his two WM opponents face the entire RAW roster in a handicap match. Jericho starts the show with the Highlight Reel, co-hosted by his own newly earned IC title belt. His guest, the Big Show, has obviously cut down his breakfast to a mere FOUR bacon double cheeseburgers, since he’s less heavy than I’ve seen him in years. The talk show segment set up a match between host and guest for later in the night, which Lawler shills like it’s Flair/Steamboat. Whoopee.
Up next was a typical McRant. If I were there live, I’d be looking for the guy selling nachos. McMahon booked a street fight between himself and Flair for later in the show, promising to end the Nature Boy’s career. That’s about as likely as the Undertaker losing at ‘Mania. CM Punk on RAW? Nice! And sporting a new T-shirt, too, but he’s wrestling Carlito. Damn. Oh I get it; it’s a MITB “previewâ€. This was a boring match that Punk won with his GTS, then gave the obligatory point to the WrestleMania banner above the ring. Whatever.
What’s Snoop Dog got to do with the “Bunnymania†ladies match? Marella calls Snoop “Mr. Snoopy the Dogâ€. Funny! GM Regal is growing out his hair, I see. He introduces a handicap match between the Too-Good-To-Be-Squashed-Like-This Hooliganz and Umaga. Way to bury two of the most talented men on the roster, idiots. What good is another monster push for the Samoan Bulldozer? Nobody’s paying money to see him lumber around the ring with the chemically-enhanced Batista. Hey, are the Hooliganz channeling the spirit of Strike Force? Kendrick walked away from his partner mid-match, not wanting to take any more punishment from the Samoan Bulldozer. Are they gonna feud the Hooliganz? Now THOSE would be good matches! Unlike this one, which was horrible.
More McMahon, who was shown being inducted to the Hollywood walk of fame. Why? Next up, JBL did his limo entrance into the arena and called out Irishman, Colin Delaney, since his Irish WM opponent Finlay was home taking care of his son Hornswoggle. Delaney took his Whipwreck-like beating for about 60 seconds and succumbed to the Clothesline From Hell, before JBL even broke a sweat. Lame.
And now the match between two men whose combined age is somewhere around 110 years. Don’t get me wrong, Flair is undoubtedly one of the greatest to ever lace up his boots, but he really doesn’t have too much left in the tank at this point. And why on Earth would Flair want to blade that significantly for such an insignificant match? With his career on the line at WM against HBK just thirteen nights from this show, there was never a chance he’d lose here, so why would he bother mutilating himself? The righteous HBK saved the day against Flair’s orders before the battle of the old age home came to an end via a Flair splash onto Vince, who was lying on a table mid-ring. With dozens of talented young workers on the roster, why give this thing a full segment? Wait, I know the answer. It’s McEgoMania running wild!
Oddly, after coming back from commercial break another commercial took place, this one for Subway restaurants. You see, semi-celebrity Jared was in the arena, and he gave the King a sandwich. Thrilling. Next up came a commercial for Playboy magazine in the guise of a women’s tag team match. Candice is now using the Unprettier as a finisher. Bizarre. Hey, shouldn’t the gal on the cover of Playboy have won the match?
Jericho versus Show was next. Man, did Jericho “save†the WWE? Yes he did, if you consider taking the IC title away from the recently suspended Jeff Hardy saving the company. The match ended in DQ, of course, since neither man could afford a clean loss this close to the big dance in Orlando. But post-match they tried to put over Show’s right hand as a deadly weapon, albeit rather unconvincingly.
Kim Kardashian was there for some reason. Is there a celebrity Vince won’t bring in? And now it was time for the ridiculously overbooked main event: Orton and Cena versus the world in a handicap elimination tag team match. The thing about multi-fall matches is that wrestlers lose to holds they’d never normally fall to. Somebody put a shirt on Hacksaw Jim Duggan. The unlikely partners held their own and eliminated the entire roster one by one until JBL hit the old, “strike the guy holding your opponent†routine on Umaga, and out came HHH to pick the bones of Cena and Orton.
The main event was sort of fun, although highly counter-productive in that two of the top guys obliterated the other acts on the show that are supposed to help interest fans and draw money. Considering it was the next-to-last episode before the biggest show of the year, this RAW was nothing to write home about.
ECW – Tuesday, March 18th. They announced that at WM24, there will be a 24-man battle royal, after which the winner gets a shot at ECW champion Chavo Guerrero. Fun. The first match was Kane versus Elijah Burke. I like Elijah, but I seem to recall his push stalling out for absolutely no good reason. It’s too bad, because he would make a great fresh face in the upper mid-card. He has solid skills, a marketable look, and can talk. What’s he missing? A victory over Kane, that’s what. Kane won with a chokeslam after about 3 minutes. Why bother…
A segment in the GM’s office set up Chavito versus Mickey Whipwreck Colin Delaney in a non-title match, in which Delaney could earn a “contract†if he wins. How’s he on WWE television all the time without a contract? After the same Mayweather video montage they showed last night on RAW, I got my first look at Kofi Kingston, who faced James Curtis. Curtis, I believe, was once known as KC James in a tag team on SmackDown! with Idol Stevens. In the battle between the undefeated, flashy newcomer and the jobber, my money was on Kofi.
Kingston showcased Generic Babyface Offense, and won with a spinning front kick to the face that Joey Styles called the “Jamaican Buzzsawâ€. Huh. I expected the flashy new guy to have a flashier finisher.
Then came the tag champs, Miz and Morrison, and Shelton Benjamin to face CM Punk and the team of Jesse and Festus. Sharp readers will recall that Festus was a guilty pleasure of mine when I used to watch regularly. Styles is still pretty good on commentary, but Tazz gets worse every time I hear him, and I used to like his stuff on Friday nights with Cole.
There was no real flow to the match. Styles called Festus the “Cornfed Colossusâ€! How much time does he spend writing before he goes on the air? Festus took over and won it with his F-5 variation to Miz. Damn, that was a big showing for Festus leading into the title match against Miz and Morrison on SmackDown! later this week. I’d guess that strong of a statement on Tuesday means no title win for the southern boys on Friday.
Eddie Graham was announced as the next Hall of Fame inductee via a very classy vignette. I’ll admit nobody does video montages better than WWE. The Sunday Night Heat main event was next. Chavo seemed to take great joy in beating down the underdog. Why does Delaney have straps on his singlet that he always keeps down around his waist? After a dropkick sent Chavito to the outside, he got riled up. The ECW champion told Colin he had been taking it easy on him until that point, but now it was ON! After missing a Frog Splash and giving Delaney his hope spot, the champ won with a Gory Bomb, and Colin’s contract dreams went up in smoke. Somehow, I’m sure he’ll be back anyway.
There was nothing noteworthy or interesting on ECW a mere 12 days before WrestleMania 24. That in and of itself is pretty pathetic. Whatever big build they might have been going for, it hadn’t clicked two-thirds of the way through the programming week.
SmackDown! – Friday, March 21st. Is tonight’s show actually a video game? The Batista character won the virtual match between he and real-world WM opponent Umaga at the top of the show, to the delight of… I don’t know. I wonder if that was the WWE’s homage to the movie Rocky Balboa. Back in the actual arena, flesh-and-blood Batista came to the ring to face former tag team champs the Lords of Flatbush, in a handicap match. Deuce and Domino didn’t have a prayer, and wasting a tag team to build a singles wrestler is never a smart idea, especially when it takes said singles wrestler less than three minutes to take apart a former championship team. Brilliant.
Next was a pointless “diva†segment; it was like the diva search, with ladies being eliminated via the text messaging votes of the sheep, er, fans, except they’re each already on the roster. So they were competing for a custom mortorcycle. Ok, next. They make sure the same Floyd Mayweather vignette airs on all three shows this week, and it now includes expert commentary from such boxing luminaries as Evander Holyfield, Roy Jones Jr., and MICHAEL BUFFER?! Ok…
And speaking of Mayweather, out came the Big Show for the second handicap match of the night, but this one was THREE-on-one. The NATURALS are on the roster? Holy cow, it’s Chase Stevens and Andy Douglas, along with “Altar Boy†Luke Hawx. This was yet another 3-minute match, in which Show showed off his boxing acumen by “knocking-out†Douglas. Or Stevens. Even when I watched TNA regularly, I could never remember which Natural was which. He knocked out the blonde one. They’re really trying to hammer home that Big Show can punch with Mayweather. I’m sure the match will be as phenomenal as his last WM inter-sport affair, the sumo match against Akebono. I witnessed that one live in LA three years ago, and nearly passed out in the Staples Center because they sucked so hard, most of the oxygen was pulled out of the arena.
Next up, the World Heavyweight Champion had a tune-up match against the grizzled veteran, Funaki that was, as you might have guessed, scintillating. At least it was scintillating if you enjoy wasting time watching boring, useless junk. Edge could have won with the Spear, but he lifted Funaki’s head off the mat before the ref counted to three. Then he mocked the Undertaker and gently placed Funaki down with a “Tombstone Piledriver†of sorts for the win. Point made, I guess. Edge cut a short, post-match promo in which he promised that by the end of the night, we’d all know exactly what he’s capable of. Do tell.
The VIP Lounge was next, with the MITB ladder and briefcase setup along with MVP’s amazingly hip black leather couch and Japanese room divider things. His guest was the Intercontinental Champion, Chris Jericho, and the Ayatollah of Rock-and-Rolla did not fail to entertain, which was no surprise. Y2J got the last word, of course, and at least Jericho seems to be having fun again.
Kane again? Jeez, when is Jacobs gonna go out to pasture? I’ve been hearing retirement rumors for years! His opponent was Chuck Palumbo, who was a babyface when I last watched, but he worked heel in this match. I do recall reading about some love-triangle storyline with Michelle McCool and Jamie By-God Noble, so I guess he turned heel then.
The match was slow, dull, and boring, and then the suck increased by a factor of ten as the Great Khali interrupted the “actionâ€. He chopped Kane down and then hit a Tree Slam on both men. But wait, there’s Mark Henry! Terrific, because what this segment needed was MORE putrid in-ring competitors! Henry hit the World’s Strongest Slam on Khali, then beat up both Kane and Chucky P. This was scalding hot wrestling excitement!
Next came Jesse and Festus challenging for the tag team titles. I really don’t dig separate entrances for tag teams, but Miz and Morrison each did their own thing. Festus was dominant at first, controlling the champs with his simple-yet-effective offense. The heels took over when Miz distracted Jesse from the apron, allowing Morrison to hit his slingshot kick off the ropes. Jesse played Ricky Morton during the heat segment, as the champs cut off the ring, just like the textbooks instruct tag teams to do.
Jesse made the hot tag to Festus, and the big man went to town. Rocket Launcher by the challengers, and Morrison needed save his partner, but Miz recovered and hit the Reality Check on Jesse for the win, as the champs escaped with the titles safely in tow. This was not unwatchable, as they executed the time-honored formula well enough.
The main event was ECW Champion Chavo Guerrero (with Edge and his flunkies) versus the Undertaker. This was clearly a set-up to give Edge an advantage over his challenger nine nights before their big showdown at ‘Mania. The Undertaker was looking very tan, for a dead man. Where would an undead zombie go for sunlight? I’ll bet WWE would say, “Death Valleyâ€. The Edge Army played the numbers game, and Chavo took the advantage for a time. Cole kept calling Undertaker “fabledâ€. Who is he, the boy who cried wolf?
‘Taker dominated the four heels with ease, and submitted Chavo to win the match, but of course, Edge managed to drill his WM challenger with a spear before he and the flunkies went to work on the Deadman with chairs. The assault continued until Edge knocked ‘Taker cold with a swing for the fences, then hit a con-chair-to while screaming “15-1, Deadman!†alluding to Undertaker’s much ballyhooed undefeated WM streak. As the show went off the air, Edge had his dominant moment, solidifying his impending loss at WrestleMania, as if anything could ever be LESS in doubt.
Well then. A week’s worth of programming during the final build-up to the defining show of the WWE year, and it was less than stellar to say the least. It seems the company that once brought industry-changing concepts and matches to the forefront has sadly settled in to a rut of the routine doldrums. Everything looks the same, every arc feels warmed-over, nobody show’s much real intensity, and the viewer is left not believing that anything significant is on the line, ever.
Thankfully after this little experiment I’m heading back from the harsh glare of WWE rubbish to the cool, shady groves of independent excellence. I sure am glad this WWEek is over.
We now return you to your regularly scheduled reality.
p.s. – “Try not to become a man of success, but a man of value.†– Albert Einstein
