This show has a match between a British incestual former pirate and a Canadian Libertarian former porn star. I don’t think I can write a better teaser than that.
I’d apologize for missing last week’s installment, but WWE obliged me by not putting one out, so I’m all caught up. Also, I’m not sure anyone’s reading these, so anything I write about that isn’t in the context of the report seems even more superflous than it would be regularly.
Taped before a live audience in the Cajun Dome
Your hosts are not related to John Grisham and Chris Matthews, as far as I know, and are probably a better commentary team than those two would be, if for no other reason that that I bet Grisham could probably out-Southern Witicism J.R.
Opening Match: Charlie Haas vs. “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan
Haas is from Dallas now. I have nothing to add to that, I just wanted to point it out. Matthews asks one of those questions I feel really dumb for not beating him to; why doesn’t Haas just come to the ring with damn mask on? We don’t get long to ponder that, as he rolls out of the ring after eating a bunch of clothelines about a minute in to the match and grabs himself a hood. This allows him to snap Duggan’s neck on the top rope and choke him out on the middle rope. He pounds Hacksaw in to the buckle head first a couple times and adds some stops for good measure to get two.
Haas locks on a chinlock, to slow down the blistering pace. And get the USA chants going, but I prefer to go with the snotty cheapshot first. Grisham and Matthews point out how dumb the crowd is for chanting USA is when Haas is a former All-American, which gets points for honesty if nothing else. Hacksaw slugs out of the rest hold but eats a knee to the gut. A nice kick to the back gets mixed in with some generic clubbering, and Haas gets another two. Meanwhile, Matthews doesn’t get Grisham’s He-Man reference, which makes me feel old.
Hacksaw makes another come back with some punches, but Haas rakes the eyes to come back. He adds some more choking, and goes back to the chinlock. I have to appreciate that Grisham at least used Haas to segue in to the Wrestlemania hype, even if it was to point out that he’s not on the card. He did at least say he’d do well in Money in the Bank, so that was nice of him.
Hacksaw makes another come back and slaps on a headlock, causing Haas to lose his mask and advantage in the process. Backdrop sets up the three point stance, and Haas eats it while trying to get his mask back on, which is at least a decent excuse for taking a move that’s telegraphed as much as that one. That’s your match. Matthews rubs it in by pointing out that Haas not only jobbed to Hacksaw but the mask, too.
Paul Burchill w/ Katie Lea vs. Val Venis w/ towel
Paul and Katie were a little more creepy than usual in the pre match interview, but if they’re intended to be incestual siblings, this is certainly not nearly as over the top as you’d expect. Could be because they’re on Heat and aren’t getting the kind of attention they need to really stretch the bounds of tastlessness.
Val dominates the match to start, getting a couple of two counts, including one off his cool running knee strike/Russian Leg Sweep Combo. Burchill takes over after depositing him on the apron and going to work on the knee when Val tries to get back to the ring. And there’s your storyline of the match. Burchill gets a leg grape vine on the mat, doing all of the usual knee based heel stuff you can think of (elbow drops, leg snaps) and generally just beating the crap out of it. He adds a couple of slaps just to be a dick. Val fights out of a knee bar, but Burchill despoits him in the corner and kicks away at the knee.
Val eventually outslugs him to come back and gets a half nelson slam for two. A chop, a clothesline, and forearm smash lead to a neck breaker for two. Charging clothesline is reversed to a Blue Thunder Bomb (I think that’s what they called it in the old N64 wrestling games, my only real source for these things) for two. He goes for the Fisherman’s Suplex, but the knee won’t support it, and Burchill locks in a half crab variant where he wraps Venis’s knee around the back of his head. Val does a great job selling it, yelling in pain before tapping out. That was a pretty damn good match by web browser standards. It had more psychology than you get on TV, at least. Wouldn’t mind seeing more from these two.
I can tell you this from experience now; watching the Kelly Kelly/Mae Young ‘Mania commercial in fast motion does not make it any better.
Robbie McAllister (He’s Robbie!) vs. DH Smith
Smith’s resemblance to his dad is uncanny. I’m amazed he hasn’t had more of a push up to this point, although being suspended a week or so after being called up to RAW probably didn’t help in that regard, and coming back during the build to ‘Mania didn’t do him any favors either.
There’s also the fact that this match isn’t so good, although it’s not like Robbie’s going to make anyone look like a million bucks. Smith’s moveset if pretty boring, though, although he does work in a kip up, which is always cool. The rest of his offense is pretty plodding. I mean, he did two bodyslams in a row. Who does he think he is, Snitsky? That said, Burchill’s not much more eclectic these days, and he used to do things like backflip uranages and 450s, so maybe it’s just the WWE style thing. Whatever the case, this match is really boring, and so I’m pulling out the staple of my broadcast TV wrestling repetoire; the fast forward through a rest hold, in this case a Robbie camel clutch.
Smith backdrops out, but Robbie’s able to get a shoulderblock in the corner in response. Smith blocks a charge with a boot, though, and hits a forearm. That leads to some rights on the mat. Back to their feet, and Smith gets a clothesline and a backdrop. He locks in a full nelson, but Robbie breaks it, so Smith goes with a bridging German Suplex (haven’t seen one of those in awhile) and that finishes off our kilted jobber friend. Keeping Smith on Heat might be a good idea, although given that the match was able to inch out of totally sucking during his comeback, he’s at least ready for a tag team run, I think.
Main Event: Melina w/ That Glamorous Amazon vs. Mickie James w/ no friends
Melina’s obnoxious facial expressions are probably my favorite part of her character. Mickie looks hotter than usual with her longer hair. Mickie gets two off a roll up. She dodges a Melina fist drop and kicks her down then slams her hand on the mat (Melina: Ow, my hand!) She goes after the hand again and goes for a cover, but gets nothing, because she’s only going to be a lumberjill, or lumberbunny, or mammarycarrier, or whatever they’re calling the Divas loitering at ringside this year. Mickie snaps off her corner ‘rana and continues to go after Melina, but gets dumped on the outside. Beth (looking less butch than usual) stalks her, but Mickie backs her off, then fights Melina off with one of her nice looking kicks. Beth catches her on a springboard attempt, though, and Mickie takes another bump to the floor.
She eventually climbs to the apron, and Melina drags her the rest of the way in and gets a hair toss. Melina continues to work the hair, and then pounds away when Mickie kicks out at two. She goes back to the hair with Mickie in the ropes, which makes me wonder when some women’s wrestler is going to apply come up with a hair based submission hold. Melina uses her flexibility to get a bodyscissor on Mickie in the ropes, which is one of those cool things only she does. Mickie fights out by carrying her out of the ropes, but Melina lands on top of her during a roll through and gets two. Mickie reverses to a sunset flip for two. Mickie tries to fight back from her knees, and eventually slaps her way back in to the match. Melina answers with a kick, but Mickie catches in and spins her in to the splits which is again one of those things only Melina can pull off. Mickie somersaults forward and then hits a seated dropkick. She gets Melina in the corner, but eats boot, allowing Melina to go up. Mickie fights off the hair pull and gets a rope assisted hair pull, catapulting her off before the five count. That gets two.
Mickie slugs away and hits a flying cross chop, then follows up with more kicks. She goes up and hits a top rope Thez Press for a near fall. Mickie looks ready to finish, but Beth is on the apron, and Mickie’s dumb baby face gene kicks in, forcing her to knock Beth off and leaving her open for the tights assisted roll up from Melina for the three count. And that’s your show.
Well, there were a couple of solid matches this week. Venis and Burchill put on a sound body part based match, and Mickie vs. Melina is always at least watchable, so those are worth checking out if you’re not already stuffed with WWE product or too busy watching indie DVDs, or Puro, or whatever you crazy kids do to get your scripted grappling fix. And hey, if you do want more WWE videos, there’s a whole youtube esque scrolling list of them at the bottom of the tiny browser now, so you can easily access videos of the Carlito and Melina at a 15 year old girl’s coming of age party while waiting for British Bulldog Jr. to become a decent wrestler. So there’s that in its favor. See you next week in Wrestling Purgatory!
