Despite the obvious evidence to the contrary, WrestleMania has very little to do with wrestling. It has its roots in celebrity crossovers with the mainstream media, desperately trying to atone for Vince McMahon’s inferiority complex as a ‘mere’ rasslin’ promoter by carving out a very particular niche for itself as an annual pop-culture event. Hence this year’s event gives greater attention to Floyd Mayweather’s first wrestling match than to Ric Flair’s last one. Still, in business terms, some of the WrestleMania celebrities have certainly justified their involvement…
1. “Right hand! Right hand! Right hand!” – Mike Tyson, WrestleMania XIV (29 March 1998)
In late 1997 Vince McMahon decided that he could no longer afford to honour Bret Hart’s multi-million dollar, 20-year contract. With WCW at its peak of popularity, the WWF was faced with a simple choice – evolve or die. The status quo was no longer holding the mass interest, yet the seeds of change were already being sown by gimmicks such as Stone Cold and D-Generation X. Rather than spending so much money keeping the old-school Hitman around when he was so unlikely to develop a progressive attitude, nor to kiss Vince’s ass with the desperate tenderness of Shawn Michaels, Vince severed those ties and gave Mike Tyson $4 million for three months of limited TV and PPV appearances instead. The deal was to culminate at WrestleMania XIV, with Tyson ‘enforcing’ the main event between an unruly non-conformist pretty-boy and an ass-kicking, no-shit-taking, blue-collar brawler; a veritable vanguard of revolution. It worked. In 1997 the buyrate for WrestleMania was a meagre 0.8; with Tyson, Austin and Michaels in 1998 it was 2.3. That same month, WCW’s Uncensored could only manage a 1.1. The Monday Night War was not yet won but, given a massive boost by association with the controversial Tyson and his mainstream recognition, the likes of Austin 3:16 and a repackaged DX soon became hot commodities in their own right and propelled the WWF to record heights. Elsewhere, Bret spent 1998 feuding for the Television and United States whilst picking up a steady and impressive salary all the same. WCW liked giving people those. Vince did when he had to, yet with Tyson nothing would have stopped him. Profits were reaped.
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ifmCctJbxO4[/youtube]
One word: heat
2. Pity the Piper – Mr T, WrestleMania I (31 March 1985); WrestleMania II (07 April 1986)
He’s now on TV with a tank and a chocolate bar telling men to get some nuts, yet twenty-something years ago the T was second only to the Hulkster himself in terms of pop culture credentials. I’m not sure what younger generations will make of a large black man with a mohawk yelling at anything that moves for being a fool, yet to the children of the early ’80s he was for some reason the epitome of cool. Maybe. Except for the Ghostbusters. And the DeLorean. And Zippy. But he was somewhere near the top end of the zeitgeist, I’m certain. I mean, he did get to job to Rocky Balboa just like Hogan did. By the time the two supporting stars of Rocky III teamed up to take on Roddy Piper and Paul Orndorff, T had become an even bigger mainstream celebrity due to the success of The A-Team, a show which is about due for a remake given that they’ve already given Knight Rider the unwanted update treatment. How do you explain the magic of the A-Team to modern audiences anyway? “There’s this sneaky bastard with a cigar fetish, a man-whore, a mental patient entrusted with flying the helicopter, and a big black dude with a milk allergy, only they’re all AWOL soldiers who drive about in a van getting into zany adventures (at cost) and beating the bad guys after constructing weapons of mass destruction out of toothpicks, goldfish bowls and apples.” Conclusion: TV executives get the best drugs.
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hy08a2vE5RY[/youtube]
When the A-Team meet Boy George and German subtitles…
3. Money, Money & Hair, Oh My! – Donald Trump, WrestleMania XXIII (01 April 2007)
Sir Side Parting had of course played a rather important role in WrestleManias IV and V as well, offering up his Trump Plaza in Atlantic City as the venue (the only time back-to-back Manias have been held in the same arena) and making a cameo appearance to stare nonchalantly at Ted Dibiase’s belt. Nearly two decades later, however, and he was willing to make his nonchalant stare and plainly ridiculous hair the centre of attention at the bargain-basement cost of just one six-figure charitable donation from WWE. Displaying a remarkably extreme work-ethic, the veteran Trump loitered with intent at ringside and stared with stiff nonchalance at one and all as Vince McMahon strutted around with pink-faced emotion and Stone Cold Steve Austin marshalled the squared-circle with that curious head-wobble walk of his. Oh, and there was a foreign fella with a funky haircut and some black guy involved too, I think. Whatever. The intrigue over the longevity of two unfashionable haircuts sported by two old white businessmen undergoing a myriad of personality crises proved immense, helping to make WrestleMania 23 the highest-grossing wrestling event in North American history. Or maybe that was just the inflation talking. Still, it worked. Vince McMahon went on to gain a sensible short-back-and-sides and fetching gangsta headgear; Trump went on to pick a fight with Aberdeen City Council.
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8cRe0BVkyMY[/youtube]
Because clearly Scotland does not have enough golf
4. Lou Albano Just Wants Ta Have Fun – Cyndi Lauper, WrestleMania I (31 March 1985)
Dearest Cyndi seems to get overlooked a lot when people look back at the Rock ‘n’ Wrestling years that enabled Vince McMahon to establish the WWF and WrestleMania as pop-culture fixtures. Maybe that’s because she came from an era in which female celebrities didn’t have to resort to naked photos, sex videos or basic insanity in order to remain in the public eye. Maybe it’s because she’s not a black man like Floyd Mayweather or Snoop Dogg or 50 Cent (Vince seems to have a curious kink for special appearances by black men, clearly they amuse him some). Maybe it’s just because she’s a shite singer. Who knows? In 1985, however, she was a huge star, with the She’s So Unusual album having racked up 16 million sales over the past year-and-a-bit. Her involvement with the WWF was also far more protracted than the normal system of making a handful of sporadic live appearances plus some taped comments building up to a one-time-only deal at a supercard, due in large part to her husband and manager, David Wolff, being a big wrestling fan. She contributed to The Wrestling Album, including a turn as backing singer on “Real American”. She had Hulk Hogan accompany her as her ‘bodyguard’ to the Grammy Awards, where she won Best New Artist. She managed Wendi Richter at several live events. She played a major promotional part in setting up the WWF’s “War to Settle the Score” MTV special, having literally come to blows with Roddy Piper on TV to further escalate the tension between him and her friend Hogan. All of this and the “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” video too, complete with Captain Lou Albano freaking out in front of the world. She was again in Richter’s corner at WrestleMania, yet had also played a pivotal role in setting up the Hogan/Piper rivalry for the main event. That was more or less the end of Lauper’s involvement in wrestling, something which Richter’s controversial departure from the promotion no doubt helped, but she had something far more important to attend to next in any event… The Goonies…
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5kMi9tvuuZY[/youtube]
… R Good Enough
5. He was a “mighty good man”, apparently – Lawrence Taylor, WrestleMania XI (02 April 1995)
What a man, what a man… I am of course referring to Bam Bam Bigelow, one of those underrated workers who became a Hall of Fame prospect due more to dying young than to anything in particular he did during his wrestling career. In terms of pure recognition he hit his professional peak at this event by headlining the WWF’s biggest card of the year, a push that seemed to come out of nowhere at the time. After all, Bam Bam never even held a WWF title (marking the first and only time that WrestleMania was headlined by a match in which none of the participants had done so, trivia fans) and had spent the months prior to this as one of the Million Dollar Man’s lackeys; a bad-ass biker teaming with a disgruntled Native American because, uh, corporations ruled… or something… 1995 was a bit of a weird year for the WWF, say no more. Still, being entrusted with the LT match was if nothing else indicative of respectful admiration of Bam Bam’s professionalism and in-ring generalship. Not only did he keep things going beyond the three minute mark despite LT’s utter exhaustion, not only did he manage to cobble together a relatively entertaining match in high-pressure conditions against a layperson, yet he put the guy over cleanly with nary a complaint. Unfortunately, that same benevolence and/or apathy would cost him throughout the rest of 1995 as the Clique progressively diminished his standing within the company. By the end of the year he had left the promotion. As for LT, frankly, I don’t care. I’m Scottish and thus have no interest in the NFL. Hell, I don’t even have any interest in rugby, so a derivative form of it with plastic armour and added commercials just isn’t going to cut it. Besides, even you Americans didn’t care at the time, as his match with Bam Bam wound up drawing the lowest WrestleMania buyrate to date. What a man, what a man. Still, the sheer audacity of giving him the headline Mania spot guaranteed him a spot on this list.
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aZdtscBS114[/youtube]
Post-Mania, Bam Bam faces some Million Dollar wrath
