Assuming that he doesn’t shock the world and somehow fail to become World Heavyweight Champion again this Sunday, The Undertaker’s winning streak will soon be 16-0 at WrestleMania. It’s an impressive accomplishment, not because of any regular sporting standards of course but for a myriad of other reasons. Having such longevity as to be able to even compete at 16 different Manias over an 18 year span, for one. Being so successful as to be booked to win ’em all in the notoriously fickle and politically turbulent realm of WWE, for another. Furthermore, it’s also one of the few truly unique things left in the wrestling business, with nobody ever likely to have a hope in hell of getting anywhere near to matching it. By this point the whole peculiar thing has, like the man himself, generated such respect that getting the chance to lose to Taker at Mania is a mark of honour in its own right. But, as some dude once said, who’s next? Here are a few suggestions…
1. Sting
Why it should happen – Much like the Undertaker, Sting is in the twilight of his career and is thankfully in a sound enough financial position and mental state to not have to bump himself into an early grave. If he came into WWE, it would only ever be for a very limited run and for top dollar. That means they would need to book him in the most suitable scenario at the most opportune drawing moment. Since Ric Flair is soon not going to be available (although that would be copying a ‘WCW idea’ and we know how Vince feels about those), that surely means pairing up Sting against his black leather trenchcoat wearing equivalent. It’s an ‘interpromotional’ match people have been fantasy booking ever since Sting went all dark and vengeancey in 1997 and would be WWE’s last chance to atone for the numerous Invasion cock-ups. It would also be their last real chance for a genuine ‘dream match’, since Bret and Rocky aren’t ever coming back and Hogan/Austin is as likely to happen as Israel/Palestine is likely to end. So, imagine this – Sting appears as a surprise entrant at the Royal Rumble. He is eliminated by CHICANERY and defeats the culprit at No Way Out to punish such SHENANIGANS. Then, after several weeks of brooding, he cuts his first promo by revealing why he really wanted to come here… to fight The Undertaker. To see if he really is the phenom everyone tells Sting he is, or if he is just another big name that Sting can beat, like Flair and Hogan and all the rest. Taker accepts the challenge, we get some suitably stupid pyro warfare and such… game on.
Why it won’t happen – Sting is the one genuine big-name in the business to have never signed with Vince McMahon. Given that he doesn’t need the money, why would he change his mind at any point in the forseeable future?
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z6oVSc9myNU[/youtube]
PARTY IN THE FACE
2. John Cena
Why it should happen – Overlooking Edge’s dubious quasi-streak, which will definitively end soon enough anyway, Cena is the next-closest person to matching Taker’s Mania wins. He is 4-0 at present, 5-0 if he wins on Sunday. Flashforward to WrestleMania 25 and there’s a real potential of being able to book Cena/Taker, streak vs streak and even title vs title. With the event being in Houston, Taker’s home town, and with him potentially facing the heat-machine that is Cena, the crowd reaction to such a main event would be deafening, blinding, paralysing, sexy and potent enough to punch you in the balls whilst giving you an orgasm. It would also be a relatively fresh match, since both guys have been kept apart since 2003, when Cena was still a mid-card comedy act and Taker was taking a break from being dead in order to be surly instead.
Why it won’t happen – It could very well happen but the chances of them including the streak vs streak aspect are slim, since Cena would have to win the title at Mania this year despite the Hs being oh-so-keen to do just that. WWE has also shied away from even pretending that Edge is undefeated there, since apparently it dilutes Taker’s streak if anyone else has one. Not sure how that works, since it is a great selling point and in the end will only enhance the streak when Taker wins anyway.
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wqvq9b8eGUU[/youtube]
HARD GAY prototype action
3. Kane
Why it should happen – Let’s say Taker goes 16-0 this year and then gets that one big, final title run on the second time of asking. He can drop the title to someone, feud with them for a bit, then go 17-0 at WM25. Now, assuming that Taker is like the rest of us and takes strange satisfaction in things being rounded up to multiples of ten, maybe he can go to 20-0 before finally retiring. So, he can go part-time and return in time to reach 18-0 at WM26 before an appreciative fanbase. If he does something like that every year then it will start to succumb to diminishing returns but at some point in the next three years, 19-0 will be fine fun for all the family. That way he can reach 20-0 at WM30, which will undoubtedly be held at Madison Square Garden. The last time it was there was of course WM20, where Taker showed off his new deadness and beat none other than Kane. Assuming Taker can have his last-ever match at WM30, by which point there’s no justification for feeding current stars to him just as there’s none for ending the streak but money to be made in the whole crazy thang, why not let him go out with one last win over his brother?
Why it won’t happen – Have you seen Kane lately? He’s less Jason Vorhees and more Uncle Fester these days. The mind boggles as to what shape he will be in in 2009, let alone after that. And it would make Jack cry.
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iImULBhfvY0[/youtube]
Who invented this man?
4. Shawn Michaels
Why it should happen – He is, as discussed, Mr WrestleMania. He might not have much of a winning streak there but his quality streak is second-to-none and, as Royal Rumble 2007 proved, the fans would love one last major match between him and Taker. As noted, next year they are in Texas, which is of course Michaels’ native state as well, plus he is an expert at playing the heel for brief periods without ever truly losing his connection with the fans. And, uh, what more do you need to know? Michaels. Taker. Fuckin’ A.
Why it won’t happen – Chances are that before such a match could be built at least one of them will wind up injured again. Getting older and more obviously balder takes its toll on knees and backs and necks, especially with these guys, even with their righteous limited schedules. Or maybe Shawn will just freak out about the Bible or something, who knows? Strange dude. “It’s a cookbook!! It’s a cookbook!!”
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vvkDE7S5BCc[/youtube]
I’ve been swimming in raw sewage. I love it.
5. Robocop
Why it should happen – Because, clearly, WrestleMania is all about celebrities. And if that celebrity wrestles a match then you get 7,000,000 new buys in every home. And if that wrestling celebrity is a sociopathic cyborg with a shitty movie career, then there’s hope yet for Steve Austin. And if that sociopathic wrestling celebrity cyborg once happened to make Sting look like a twat then all the better. Serves the bugger right for staying with TNA, right?
Why it won’t happen – Oh, it will.
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bNybksDGjcE[/youtube]
A personal highlight for Gordon Solie
