Welcome to Crackdown! In this episode, the lords of Friday Night have given us two matches that look great on paper: CM Punk vs. John Morrison and Chris Jericho vs. MVP. Unfortunately, wrestlers wrestle on canvas, not paper. Come along, Crack Addicts, and let’s visit the land of the blue brand once again.
Smackdown starts of immediately by Kane’s weekly explosion of unknown materials. We are two days from Wrestlemania and anticipation has never been lower. Chavo is on commentary as Cole tells him that he’ll be defending the ECW Title at Wrestlemania. Yes, I think the champion is aware of this. Chavo called the ECW Title the most prestigious title in wrestling. I know he’s being told to say so, but it’s silly.
Match #1 Kane vs. The Great Khali vs. Chuck Palumbo vs. Mark Henry – 4 Man Battle Royal
Chavo said that one of his secrets is that he’s a Guerrero. Wow. The match started with a brawl. Kane dominated early with a dropkick to Khali’s knee and a DDT to Mark Henry. Chuck was quickly eliminated. Khali and Henry worked on Kane. Henry clubbed Khali and Kane in the head. Kane avoided an avalanche and clotheslined both men. Henry hit a shoulderblock. Khali hit the Boogeyman Chokebomb on Kane. Henry picked Kane up and deposited him out of the ring. Khali and Henry exchanged light offense. Khali hit the CHOP OF DEATHLY DOOM and celebrated. It was premature however, as Henry recovered quickly and lightly placed Khali outside of the ring for the victory.
Your winner, by eliminating the other wrestlers, Mark Henry! I love battle royals, but not 3 minute ones stuffed with giants who can’t wrestle. Pointless match on its own, but makes Henry look strong before Wrestlemania. Two minutes, 48 seconds.
Chavo sneakily attacked Henry, attacking his knee. He leapt into Henry’s arms and was hit with a World’s Strongest Slam. You know, Henry’s WSS forces him to land on his knees, so that didn’t make much sense.
Back from break, the divas were met by former referee Teddy Long. They all looked around at something for several seconds for no apparent reason before Teddy announced Eve had been eliminated. Not many people reacted. Victoria and Maryse entered to taunt her. Peanuthead says “I think we got conflict here.†He’s almost as bad as Cole now. Teddy booked a Wet or Wild match for later on. Oh boy.
Back in the ring, it’s time for a Money in the Bank exhibition match. CM Punk, stealing tee shirt designs from La Parka, headed to the ring first. His opponent is his greatest rival of last year, John Morrison.
Match #2: CM Punk vs. World Tag Team Champion John Morrison – Money in the Bank Exhibition Match
This is something like the ninth time these two have wrestled on TV, and they haven’t had any bad matches. Apparently, all the exhibition aspect of this match is that a briefcase is hung above the ring, but that’s not the point of the match. I missed Russo’s jump back to the E. This is an all ECW match on Smackdown tonight. They locked up and exchanged holds. Morrison got a facelock but Punk countered into a hammerlock. He was met with an elbow. Punk got hit with a breakdance kick. Punk gave Morrison an overhead suplex for two. Punk knocked both men out of the ring with a cross body block.
Back from break, Punk had Morrison in a homoerotic headscissors. Morrison got the break. Punk hit a flap jack. Morrison kicked Punk off the apron and hit punches. Punk’s shoulder met the ring post. The champ got a two count and applied an armlock. Punk got out with kicks but Morrison bounced him on the ropes. He missed a springboard kick. Punk struck more body kicks and a back body drop. Punk hit a monkey flip and a dropkick to the face. He clotheslined Morrison outside. He hit a tope, which Cole called a “torpedo.†Punk went for a springboard, missed, but hit a powerslam for two. Nitro got a rollup for two. Punk hit a double underhook shoulder breaker for two. Punk went for a knee in the corner, but Morrison countered with the first part of the Lethal Combination and a neckbreaker for two. Punk went for Go 2 Sleep, Morrison rolled out, but Punk countered again and slungshot him into the turnbuckle. Punk hit the high knee and the bulldog for two. Cole and Coach marveled over “how much [both wrestlers] have inside.†Gay. Punk put Morrison up top. He followed up and hit a top rope Frankensteiner for two! Punk went for the GTS but Morrison countered into his neckbreaker, but Punk countered into the Go 2 Sleep for the win.
Your winner, by pinfall, CM Punk! Good match, best on Smackdown in a few weeks. It didn’t matter who won as both men are going into a big ladder match at Wrestlemania, but they delivered a good match. Just like last summer on ECW, these two wrestled quite well against each other and are constantly strong opponents for each other. If you can, try to watch this. Nine minutes, 41 seconds of what was shown.
Punk celebrated by pointing at the briefcase in the air. Pointing is always a big celebration at WM time.
Cole and Coach talked about Floyd Mayweather. Same old. Cole appeared to be reading off a script more obviously than usual. Antonio Tarver favors Big Show, as does a boxing historian. Evander Holyfield is noncommittal except to say 20 million dollars isn’t worth it. I would still take it.
Back from recaps, The Miz, Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch were in the ring. Is there a brand split at all anymore? In 6 man tag action, Jesse, Festus and Kofi Kingston showed up to wrestle.
Match #3: Lance Cade/Trevor Murdoch/Tag Team Champ The Miz vs. Jesse/Festus/Kofi Kingston – Six Man Tag Team Match
Festus and Cade started. Festus slammed both rednecks and punched Miz. Festus clubbed Cade as Jesse tagged in and hit a neckbreaker for one. He applied a headlock before Cade escaped and tagged Murdoch. Jesse scored a drop toe hold and a low dropkick for two. Jesse tagged Kofi who hit a crossbody block for two. Kofi tagged Jesse. Murdoch ran into a boot as Miz shoved Jesse off the top. Miz, apparently legal now, covered Jesse for two and drove knees into Jesse’s back. He threw Jesse to the mat and tagged Cade. Cade tagged Murdoch and suplexed him onto Jesse. Murdoch drove more knees into Jesse’s back. Jesse gave Trevor an overhead suplex and tagged Miz. Miz gave Jesse an overhead suplex for two. Miz applied a submission and rubbed his arm against Jesse’s face, Regal-style. Jesse escaped with a jawbreaker. He back body-dropped an interfering Murdoch. I guess his back is OK. Murdoch yanked Festus off the apron. Jesse tagged Kofi who hit some clotheslines and almost missed the sunset flip. Kofi hit his ridiculously choreographed signature move but things broke down. Miz apparently was legal again and Kofi hit “what Tazz likes to call†the Jamaican Buzzsaw kick for the win.
Your winners, by pinfall, Jesse/Festus/Kofi Kingston! Not that bad for a WWE six man tag, but I am not a fan of Kofi Kingston and his “Seizure Attention†offense. Shaking all the time doesn’t make him a good wrestler, it makes him a Jamaican Boogeyman. Not much time in the ring for Festus, which is fine with me, however. Six minutes, twenty seconds.
Kofi and Jesse hugged. Feel the love. Then they clapped together. Very weird.
The final inductee into the WWE Hall of Fame is legendary announcer Gordon Solie. I can’t do the man justice because I didn’t grow up with him. He passed away in the year 2000.
Back from that, Batista headed to the ring. Snitsky’s ugly mug headed to the ring.
Match #4: Batista vs. Snitsky
William Regal apparently sent Snitsky over from RAW to promote the RAW vs. Smackdown aspect of the Wrestlemania match with Umaga. Batista hit a spear, a spinebuster, and the Batista Bomb for the win.
Your winner, by pinfall, Batista! Wow. Best Batista match ever? It was short, pointless and not boring. He won, but no match is perfect. I’m glad Snitsky’s getting paid for this, maybe Vince realized that he is the only person in the world who likes him. Was this the result? Complete squash. Snitsky has no purpose anymore I suppose. 22 seconds.
Batista left the ring to fetch a chair. He picked Snitsky back up and Batista Bombed him on the chair. Coach went through all the obvious stuff he could possibly say.
A recap of Undertaker’s WM streak aired. Always nice to hear the voices of Monsoon and Heenan. Not so much Cole or JBL. The video evolved into Edge’s advantages and victories over the Taker. It went back and forth between Taker’s strengths and Edge’s. Great recap, it’s one of the things WWE does the best.
Back from break, it was time for diva stuff. Woo. Somehow, Eve was made the guest ref.
Match #5: Maryse/Victoria vs. Michelle McCool/Cherry – Wet and Wild match
Victoria came out in all sorts of swim gear. Greatness. Cherry still carries her skates around everywhere, I guess to remind herself of her gimmick. Balloons were thrown and water guns were fired. Maryse had a bucket of water poured on her. Cherry wisely avoided the action. Victoria slipped and fell. She was down for more than three before Eve even noticed. Victoria kicked out though and slipped again on the water. Cole said “Maryse is just getting blasted at every turn.†Wow. Victoria hit Michelle with the water gun. Maryse was hit by another bucket of water. Michelle hit the Awesome Kong Implant Buster for the win.
Your winners, by pinfall, Michelle McCool and Cherry. If I want to watch porn, I’d watch Cinemax, or download it myself. This felt like twenty minutes, and not in a good way. Three minutes, seven seconds.
Cole actually tried to tell us that this was athletic and stuff. Absolutely ridiculous.
Back from break, MVP’s cued his music and this week he has his bounce house setup. MVP’s been US champion for ten months, the longest reigning champ in WWE history, but as I’ve told you before, it’s very unimpressive because he rarely defends it. MVP talked about why he’s better than you. Jericho cued his music to a big reaction. This is his first match on Smackdown since the middle of 2002.
Match #6: US Champ MVP vs. Intercontinental champ Chris Jericho – nontitle match
Jericho locked on a headlock. They moved into some amateurish matholds. Jericho applied a hammerlock on the mat. After a rope break, MVP hit some light offense. Jericho got a single leg takedown and hit some punches. They rolled around and punched each other. Jericho hit a chop to not many Woos. Jericho hit a back elbow and MVP retreated. Jericho hit a baseball slide dropkick. He threw MVP’s skull into the announce table. Jericho went for a springboard dropkick but MVP got a boot up for two. Jericho sent himself to the floor, which automatically cues commercial sign.
Back from break, MVP had Y2J in an abdominal stretch. Jericho escaped with a hiptoss, but he ran into a knee for two. MVP dropped a knee for two. He hit some body shots on a prone Jericho. Jericho got a rollup for two but MVP came back with his jawbreaker. He hit a Ballin Elbow for two. MVP went for a high boot in the corner but Y2J moved. The IC champ hit a forearm off the top for two. He hit another forearm and a shoulderblock. MVP hit a knee, but Jericho hit a clothesline for two. MVP hit a great belly to belly suplex for two. Jericho hit a dragon suplex for two. He followed with a enziguri and a bulldog. The IC champ went for the Lionsault but MVP got his knees up. Coach, who’s apparently a face tonight, used Jericho’s bit from last week talking about who names their kid Montel Vontavius. Cole answered with the Mr. Obvious Answer of the Night: “Mr. And Mrs. Porter.†A laugh a minute, those two. MVP hit the running boot for two. Jericho got a double leg takedown and went for the Walls of Jericho but MVP kicked out of it. The US champ hit the running boot in the corner for two. He went for the Playmaker but Jericho countered into the Walls. MVP got the rope and snapped Y2J over the top rope. MVP grabbed both titles and intended to hit Y2J with one. The referee stopped the match before he could though, which was lame because he missed anyway as Jericho hit the Codebreaker.
Your winner, by DQ, the Intercontinental Champion, Chris Jericho! The finish took away from what was the second strong match of the night for Smackdown. I would recommend watching this one too, this match will likely be the main event at a major PPVin a few years. Ten minutes, 13 seconds of what was shown.
Jericho rolled outside and pulled out a ladder. He hit MVP in the face with it and celebrated by pointing.
Back from the break, Edge hosted what he called The Burial of the Undertaker’s Streak. Edge and his Heads cued his music, looking nice in their suits and dress shirts. Generic organ music played as Teddy Long boringly introduced Vickie Guerrero and Edge. Edge is the best heel in wrestling right now, earning a chant of “You Suck†from the crowd before he even said anything. I know that this is all scripted and they are “memorializing†the “death†of an inanimate object, but I just find the whole spectacle of eulogizing things in a wrestling show tasteless and borderline offensive. I HATE, HATE, HATE themes of death in wrestling. I know these are people playing a role, but it doesn’t change the fact that it is disgustingly tasteless and scraping the bottom of the barrel. My problem has nothing to do with the idea that Vickie Guerrero, the widow of Eddie Guerrero, has the hots for Edge. I think Eddie would be fine with that part of the storyline because he was a total professional. My problem is that they trivialize the actual deaths of their former talents with this sort of dreck. It tar and feathers the funerals of Owen Hart, Brian Pillman, Eddie Guerrero, Chris Benoit, Sherri Martel, Bam Bam Bigelow, and most recently Gary Hart. There are dozens of other wrestlers who have died in real life, and this sort of skit takes a giant dump on all of their legacies in this business. I’m not going to talk about it anymore or I will drive myself into a depressed stupor, but I will tell you that if you care enough to get a description of this segment, there are other Smackdown reviews on this site that will detail it for you.
Favorite match: CM Punk vs. John Morrison. These two know each other very well in the ring, and it shows. It was a very good match, topped off with some very unusual moves for a WWE match.
Least favorite match: Only because the final segment wasn’t a match, the divas tag match. Victoria is a former champion, she is too tough for water balloons and the Implant Buster to be all it takes for her to lose.
Come back next week, when Crackdown will give all my Crack Addicts their fix. Keep your teeth clean!
