Smackdown Crackdown 4-4-08

Welcome, Crack-heads, to another edition of your favorite column. It’s the week after Mania, and what will the Smackdown wrestlers be up to? You may have heard this week that Smackdown is being blamed for a four year old killing his two year old bro by pretending to be his favorite wrestler. It’s never the parents’ fault, is it? Parents always raise their kids to be intelligent and to be able to discern what’s real and what’s pretend. They also know how to take control and change the channel once in awhile. WWE needs to realize that showing videos warning not to try it at home isn’t enough. They need to air a commercial saying, “listen up, stupid marks! Don’t try this at home, we’re tired of being blamed for your parents’ failure to teach.” On to the show!

Smackdown started immediately as we are not live from Miami. Tonight, Shawn Michaels is here as the brand split continues to dissolve. We start things off with the former champs Edge and Chavo Guerrero, as always, with the Heads and the GMs. Edge stopped to stare right in the face of a guy with an Undertaker sign. No doubt a highlight of that guys’ life. Coach wishes Vickie gets better soon, the first heelish thing he’s said in weeks. He then told Cole to shut up. Maybe my pleadings have finally paid off. Edge says he’s never been more ticked off and that he feels naked. In an awesome show of support amongst heels, Edge was wearing a Chavo shirt. Edge says he feels he let everyone down as a chant of “You Suck” started up. Oh, those creative WWE fans. Edge promised Vickie that he’d be champion again soon. He then passed the mic to Chavo. He also feels he let the family down, but pleaded that Kane cheated and has no guts. WWE fans chanted “Chavo sucks,” changing things up. Chavo promised to become champion again. Vickie received the mic and announced that both men will receive rematches at Backlash and that their opponents will wrestle tonight. It’s a Wrestlemania sized main event tonight as Kane and Taker wrestle for the umpteenth time.

Back from break, MVP hit the button for his music. He’s here to wrestle. Coach continued to heel on Cole. Wow. In one week he improved noticeably. Tonight, MVP wrestles the returning Matt Hardy.

Match #1: MVP vs. Matt Hardy – non title

Both men brawled until Hardy got the advantage with a neckbreaker. They exchanged punches and rolled to the floor. Hardy sent the champ into the barricade and back in the ring. Hardy hit a back elbow and dropped an elbow for one. MVP took a brief advantage until Hardy hit some headbutts. Hardy hit a clothesline and MVP rolled out. Hardy met him outside and the sound guys couldn’t decide whether to get crowd noise or not. MVP hit a rope-aided elbow drop and slammed Hardy’s head into the mat. MVP choked Matt on the ropes. MVP tossed Hardy out of the ring as Little Naitch yelled at him to stay inside. MVP smacked him against the announce desk. He dropped a herd of elbows. He applied a modified camel clutch and rubbed Hardy’s face in the mat. Matt escaped with a suplex. MVP booted Hardy in the head for two. MVP continued to stomp on the head. Hardy hit a chop-block to take advantage and worked the leg of the US champ. Hardy even stood on the knee. Hardy threw MVP’s knee into the post. Back in the ring, Hardy hit a bulldog for two. Matt applied a Miami crab but MVP escaped. Hardy took him down with a snapmare and slammed MVP’s leg on the apron. MVP slammed Hardy on the barricade. Hardy hit the Side Effect and headed up top, dropping the elbow. He called for the Twist of Fate, but MVP hit a major clothesline. Matt came back with a dropkick to the knee. Hardy hit the Twist of Fate for the win.

Your winner, by pinfall, Matt Hardy! Very good return match from the sensei of Mattitude. The two had a strong match, continuing their storyline that never got a payoff due to Matt’s injury. The next logical step is for MVP’s US title, possibly at Backlash. The other story of this match is Coach’s transformation in one week’s time from “annoying guy who provides useless insight” to “annoying heel.” It’s remarkable. Although he needs work in making his arguments more sense, some of them are quite sensible. If you have the time, this is a Crackdown Recommended match. Eleven minutes, forty seconds.

Hardy celebrated, since pointing season is over, by running his hands through his hair several times.

Back from break, the Heads already cued their music. Earlier “today“, they were interviewed about Zack’s match with Festus, the Corn-Fed Colossus. That’s the worst nickname since Brother Runt. Ryder promised bells wouldn’t be the only thing ringing in Festus’s head. They’re going to stick a phone in his skull?

Match #2: Zack Ryder (w/Curt Hawkins) vs. Festus (w/Jesse).

Cole said mesquite beef jerky is Jesse and Festus’ favorite, as if anybody cares. The bell rang and Festus did his thing. He clotheslined Hawkins and spinebuster Ryder off the apron. Festus threw Ryder. He whipped Zack, but was met with some light offense. Festus slammed Ryder and hit the goofiest looking headbutts I’ve ever seen. Since WWE allows headbutts after the Benoit fiasco, they should not actually hit anything. Festus hit a slap to the chest for two. Ryder countered out and hit some right hands. He applied an armlock but Fesus continued to hit corny moves until he settled for big punches. Festus hit a Butt-Butt in the corner and a leaping shoulderblock. Festus hit a Scott Hall slam and a Finlay butt splash. He splashed Zack in the corner and placed him up top. Festus picked him up and hit Test’s old finisher for the win.

Your winner, by pinfall, Festus! Squash. We finally get to see what Festus can do without Jesse’s help. Is it impressive? Eh, but at least it’s never boring. Three minutes, 51 seconds.

Cole stupidly interrupted himself in the middle of a word so ring announcer Justin Roberts could declare Festus the winner, but never finished his original thought.

Back from break, they hyped tonight’s giant main event. It’s very overhyped, champion vs. Champion, brother vs. Brother, and if either wrestler refuses to wrestle, both of them will be stripped of their titles. They moved on to a recap of Flair’s farewell, rather than argue about the fairness of the stipulations.

Back from break, HBK cued his music. This is his first visit to the blue brand since 2005 when he attacked Kurt Angle. Two or three people chanted HBK. Shawn said he tried to talk about his feelings on retiring Ric Flair, but feels he didn’t do a good job. Shawn said he stood face to face with his idol and cried. A hug gave him some closure. HBK came to Smackdown to…be interrupted by Batista. Batista is all business and no pyro tonight. For once he looks like a badass and his theme song fits his demeanor. Batista stared at HBK before saying he was glad he found closure because nobody else has. Batista said Wrestlemania was hard not because of Umaga, but because he never gets to see Flair again. I guess he never considered that Flair could be a manager or something. Batista said he’s taking it personal and HBK asked if he thought it was easy for him. He said Flair asked for Michaels’ best and that’s what he received. HBK says he did the right thing and Batista would do the same. Batista said he wouldn’t have done so, he doesn’t let ego tangle with friendships. The Animal taunted HBK by saying Mr. Wrestlemania doesn’t do jobs. Ooo! Batista said he thought Shawn was a stand-up guy, but he was wrong. Shawn’s the most selfish man Batista knows because he didn’t lay down for Flair. HBK said he’s sorry Batista feels that way. Batista doesn’t accept. Batista asked if HBK saw Flair as a sad old dying dog and threw his mic away. He stared Shawn down before leaving as one guy chanted HBK. If this is the start of a heel turn for Batista, it was a strong start.

Backstage, Kane and Taker were hanging out. They didn’t say anything though.

Vladimir Kozlov makes his TV debut tonight, as does former X division champion Matt Bently, who has done absolutely nothing since his release from TNA last year. Kozlov has been working dark matches for what seems like a year, but tonight, he’s finally on TV. Will he impress?

Match #3: Vladimir Kozlov vs. Matt Bently

Bently got a go-behind but Kozlov got out with a hiptoss. He drove Bently into the corner and choked him. Bently hit punches but Kozlov shoved him down. The Russian picked Bently up and hit Abyss’ Shock Treatment for the win.

Your winner, by pinfall, Vladimir Kozlov. Squash. The story of two debuts, the new big guy wins and the new little guy loses. One minute, 12 seconds.

Kozlov celebrated by yelling like Ken Shamrock before heading to the back.

Back from break, John Morrison hit the music button. Tag team time on Smackdown. Miz out next. It always irks me when the champions come out before the challengers. Jimmy Wang Yang and Shannon Moore are out now.

Match #4: John Morrison/The Miz vs. Moore Wang

Coach says the challengers have nothing in common. Cole disagrees, saying they wear cowboy hats. Wang and Miz locked up. Moore got a headlock and hit a hurricurana. He tagged Moore who hit a dropkick for one. Moore applied a wristlock but Miz tagged Morrison who hit half of the Lethal Combination. Chaos broke out when Morrison slapped Yang. Morrison hit a swinging neckbreaker on Moore for the win.

Your winners, by pinfall, The Miz and John Morrison! What just happened? One minute, 33 seconds.

Khali cued his music as Morrison and Miz refused to run away for no apparent reason. Morrison went for a kick but he received a CHOP OF DEATH. Khali palmed Yang’s skull picking him up from the floor and back into the ring. Khali press slammed Yang to the floor. Moore received a Boogeyman Chokebomb. If all squashes were punishable by Khali attack, he’d be a busy man tonight. Khali got on the mic (oh boy) and said nothing identifiable except “Big Show,” who cued his music immediately. I think WWE has finally decided to have Show be a badass face. Khali and Show went nose to nose and they are pretty much even in size. Show stole the mic from Khali and said Khali got in his face on RAW, but now Show is in his face. This caused Khali to walk away. Show is a scary, scary man.

Back from break, Finlay and Hornswoggle return to Smackdown. Yay and boo.

In the ring, Teddy Long announced that tonight would be the final of the Diva Contest. YAY!!! The winner gets a motorcycle. The motorcycle guy talked about nothing interesting. Teddy brought out Cherry and Michelle. Michelle, as I predicted, won. How nice for her that she’s going out with the Undertaker, a big motorcycle rider. Victoria interrupted to say that this contest is a joke. Voice of the people! Victoria attacked, but Michelle, of course, got the better of it. But then, Nattie Neidhart debuted, attacking Michelle. Cherry got slapped hard. Neidhart sent Michelle into the ringpost.

Back from break, a highlight vid of Mania aired. The show was better than it looked on paper. They showed pretty much the entire Kane vs. Chavo match and, for once, the finishes of some other matches.

The ECW champ Kane made stuff explode. Main event time, and there’s plenty of time left in the show.

Back from break, the new World champ Undertaker cued the gong and slowly approached the ring.

Match #5: Kane vs. The Undertaker – neither title on the line

Tonight, it’s time for a match so big it happened at two Wrestlemanias. Taker got a headlock but shoulder-blocks were ineffective. Kane’s headlock was applied longer, and his shoulderblock was effective. Kane hit a hiptoss and a scoop slam for two. He applied a wristlock, but Taker countered into his own. Taker took him down for two. Taker’s armlock neutralized Kane for a moment but stalemate ensued. Taker with another the single leg takedown. An unintentionally funny moment occurred as the ref asked Kane “whadda you say” and Kane responded with an audible “Ow!” Taker contorted Kane’s ankle in several directions but Kane kicked out of it. Another lockup resulted in Kane applying an armlock. Taker countered out and worked Kane’s shoulder. Taker started to go for Old School but Kane disallowed him to go up. Kane backed into a corner for a break, but shoved Taker. Taker stared at him and hit a big right hand on the Big Red Machine. Kane was impressed by the blow, then hit one of his own. They traded big rights. Taker got the best, but Kane hit a big boot. Kane continued with light offense but Taker tossed his brother into the corner with a flurry of punches. He dumped Kane out of the ring and some preteen yelled at Kane to kick Undertaker’s butt. Kane’s face met the barricade, then Taker’s did. Kane threw him back in the ring, where they exchanged more rights. Taker went for the Chokeslam but Kane applied a Choke of his own. Taker shoved him and both men hit a big boot. Both men sat up, but Edge, Chavo and the Heads attacked.

Your winner, who knows. Nine minutes, seven seconds.

The four on two beatdown continued until Edge stopped them to celebrate. Taker and Kane sat up and took the advantage to kick ass and throw the heads out of the ring. The Brothers of Destruction simultaneously Chokeslammed and Tombstoned their respective Backlash opponents. They celebrated with their titles over their fallen opponents. And since you’re stupid, WWE showed pretty much the entire beat down in replay form right after. Taker and Kane celebrated with their hands held high on the entrance stage.

Favorite match: MVP vs. Matt Hardy. WWE remembered these guys were feuding before Hardy got hurt and took their storyline to the next logical step. Not only that, they had a good, long for free TV match. It is my recommended match of the week.

Least favorite match: Miz-ison vs. Moore Wang. Did that match have to finish before Khali interfered? It takes a minute and a half for Shannon Moore to be pinned, and he wasn’t even legal the entire match.

The Crackdown and R. Phillip Provencio are not responsible if you kill somebody using my writing techniques. See you again next week, Crack-Heads, and keep your teeth clean!

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