Welcome, Crackheads. This week the story broke that the Punjabi police called for Great Khali to come back (he didn’t do anything, he’s actually a cop) for about a month’s time. No doubt this will make Smackdown easier to watch, but how will WWE write him out? Will we find out tonight? To the action
Smackdown is NOT live from Boston as Cole tries to tell us that Smackdown is the hottest show on cable. In the ring Khali had a herd of “Punjabi dancers,†which as most ethnic stuff WWE does looked absolutely ridiculous and likely caused plenty to change the channel. A fat shirtless guy with a silly Indian accent spoke for Khali and explained that he is a great Indian hero and has peace offerings for the Big Show since Indians are peaceful people. Big Show cued his music and the “dancers†left. Khali talked and offered Big Show “special water“. Khali didn’t seem to know when it was his turn to speak. He gave Show some of “the world’s finest scotch.†Show reacted as if he didn’t like it. Khali offered a chicken to the former champ because it will always lay eggs and we all know Big Show likes to eat. Finally they offered Show a goat because Gandhi liked goat milk. Show grabbed a mic and said this is unexpected and he’ll show Khali how he feels. He delivered a knockout right. I liked this segment better when Big Show was giving gifts to Undertaker, and used Brother Love, Spanky and Kanyon as distractions. That was spread out over weeks too. Cole said that Show knocked out the “huge giant†which is an oxymoron of the most blatant degree.
Back from break, John Morrison cued his music and it’s time for tag team action. Miz cued his own music. Another week and the champions come out before the challengers. That’s annoying. They recapped the Dirt Sheet segment on wwe.com, where I laughed out loud when Morrison said “we’re the WWE tag team champions. Be jealous.†Moore Wang cued their music and came out. This is apparently a non-title match.
Match #1: John Morrison/The Miz vs. Shannon Moore/Jimmy Wang Yang – non title match
Morrison taunted Moore with Val Venis’ signature taunt. Morrison started with a headlock and shoulder block and the audio picked up Morrison taunting Yang, saying “you’re a virgin, you know that?†Coach stupidly didn’t think that they could say that on TV. Where does he live, the 70’s? Moore came back with a headscissors for two. Moore tagged Yang, who hit a dropkick for two. Yang hit an overhead suplex for two. He applied an armlock and hit Morrison with a knee. Yang went for a ten punch but was pushed off and met with a clothesline. Miz tagged and slammed Yang, following with a legdrop for two. Yang flipped out of a suplex but didn’t land on his feet. He hit a dropkick for two as Cole said it would be a huge upset, despite the fact that Moore Wang have won before. Yang tagged Miz who hit an Eddie Guerrero flip dive from the ring apron. Cole confused himself saying Moore and Wang are dangerous when they frequently tag “ins and outs.†Miz caught Moore in 619 position, distracting the ref so Morrison could hit an illegal kick. Morrison tagged himself in and hit a neat elbow onto Moore, who was balanced on Miz’s knees. Morrison applied a headlock. Cole and Coach actually exchanged some good points after Cole stupidly inferred that since Miz-ison are champs, they can’t improve. Coach told him “one can always improve†but Cole retorted with “so what’s your excuse over the last three months?†Miz tagged in and hit a clothesline for two. He applied a chinlock, Moore rolled out but was met with another clothesline. Morrison tagged in and hit that goofy breakdance elbow for two. He applied another chinlock. He slammed Moore but wasted too much time and was met with a kick. Yang got the hot tag and hit a flurry of offense for two. Yang hit a missile dropkick but Miz saved it. Moore threw himself out of the ring. Morrison hit the springboard kick for a two. Yang set up early, but launched Morrison out of the ring. He didn’t notice the tag though, and Miz hit a neckbreaker for the win.
Your winners, by pinfall, John Morrison and the Miz! Another week, another good tag match. This one was just a match for the sake of a match. I find it dumb when the champions win a non-title match. WWE would do well to make matches where the champs win title matches, even just for the live crowd so they can get more into it. The short time didn’t take away from the match either as there was always something going on. Seven minutes, four seconds.
Vickie and Edge are out somewhere in Boston getting massages. Teddy is holding towels, which just seems wrong. Vickie and Edge are rewarding themselves with a week off due to all the stress they’ve suffered since losing the title to Undertaker.
Back from break, Finlay and Hornswoggle cued their music to a digitally enhanced mega-pop. Even though Coach and Horny have had problems in the past, Coach says it’s great to see him back. Finlay’s opponent is the great Matt Striker, who is YOUR TEACHER.
Match #2: Finlay vs. Matt Striker
Striker and Finlay locked up and Finlay applied a headlock. He hit a big shoulderblock and a European uppercut. After a rope break, Hornswoggle sprayed Matt Striker with a water gun. Finlay wrenched on the arm of Striker, who hit an eye rake and wrapped Finlay up in the ropes. Striker dropkicked Finlay twice. He applied an armlock of his own and hit an arm DDT. He reapplied the hold but Finlay escaped. He hit a standing senton and clotheslines. He launched Striker into the turnbuckle and hit a clothesline. Striker came back with a big kick. Your teacher went for a baseball slide, but Finlay trapped him in the ring apron and hit a flurry of punches. I don’t remember the last time he did that , it’s so simple yet awesome! Coach never saw it before, of course. Hornswoggle tried to throw a bucket of streamers on Striker, but missed. He handed Striker an umbrella but your teacher called him Mary Poppins and tossed it before turning around and was soaked by Finlay’s bucket of water. Finlay threw the bucket into Striker’s head. Cole sounded like a total douche during this whole segment. Back in the ring, Finlay sent himself into the ringpost and Striker got a two. He stomped on the Irishman. Hornswoggle hit Striker with a plastic shillelagh, which allowed the ref to be distracted so Finlay could KO Striker with a real shillelagh for the win.
Your winner, by pinfall, Finlay! Someone, somewhere on this planet thinks this shit is funny. I hate wrestling. So much wrong with this bit. Five minutes.
Cole asked how you can’t love it. Apparently he doesn’t know anyone with an IQ over 40. After the match, Horny hit a tadpole splash. For those keeping score, in WWE, a midget is better than someone who’s a good promo and a good wrestler.
Back from break, the great Victoria and the as yet nameless woman who debuted last week made their way to the ring. Victoria grabbed a mic! She said last week, her new friend debuted and her name is Natalia Neidhart. She sent it to a video of Natalia’s father, Jim Neidhart. It was short and sort of boring. Natalia said “it†wasn’t about her father, it’s about her and all the women better watch out. Michelle cued her music and headed to the ring with a purpose for once.
Match #3: Victoria vs. Michelle McCool
Michelle walked past Victoria and tried to get at Natalia, which was dumb as it allowed Victoria to attack from behind. Michelle got the better though. She took Victoria down with punches and a clothesline. More punches ensued, then she followed with a dropkick to the face. Victoria rolled outside but Michelle hit another clothesline. In the ring, the former champ hit a clothesline of her own. Both women performed moves where hair is pulled. Cole, who’s a sexist too, said Victoria was “manhandling†Michelle. Michelle went up top but Victoria caught her and hit a superplex for two. Victoria ran into a boot and McCool hit a neckbreaker. Natalia interfered but Victoria got a rollup and pulled the tights for the win.
Your winner, by pinfall, Victoria! Hey, if Natalia debuted so that Victoria could start getting wins over less talented women, I’m for that! Just an average female match, which means it’s about two notches lower than an average men’s match. Most of the time with women wrestlers, even a short match feels really long and that was certainly the case tonight. Two minutes, twenty one seconds.
Back from break, Cole was in the ring. Oh boy. He pimped the HBK-Batista match and Backlash and sent it to a recap of how Shawn Michaels ended Ric Flair’s career, how Batista got offended and their ensuing confrontations. Back NOT live, Batista cued his music and came to the ring. After that, HBK did the same. There is no brand split. Cole left the ring. Batista said they should keep it just man to man. Shawn pleaded his case, saying everybody’s moved into the post-Ric Flair era except Batista. Michaels says Batista’s problem is with HBK himself, not with what he did. The Animal said he’s right. He said Shawn Michaels hasn’t changed. He respects what he’s done in his career but he doesn’t appreciate how Michaels did it; by politicking, holding people down and stabbing them in the back. Batista says he’s no saint (which goes against his Deacon gimmick) but he’s man enough to look at people and tells them what’s up. Michaels said he did take a lot of shortcuts because he’s a small guy and couldn’t do things like Batista could. That’s a load of crap. Shawn said at Backlash he’s knock Batista’s feet down his throat. He went for Sweet Chin Music, which Batista barely avoided. Batista went for the Batista Bomb but HBK rolled out. Good stuff.
Back from break, Vladimir Kozlov headed to the ring to face Matt Logan. A spoiler report I read said that Kozlov screwed up his entrance twice before this, so the crowd understandably reacted with a murmur. Our Jobber of the week, Matt Logan is an east coast independent wrestler who has held tag team gold in both ECWA and Chaotic Wrestling.
Match #3: Matt Logan vs. Vladimir Kozlov
Logan got some offense with a kick, a forearm and a headlock before Kozlov launched him and dropped an elbow on his back. He headbutted Logan, took him down with a snapmare and a kick to the chest. Logan caught Kozlov with a boot and came off the top but Kozlov caught him in a reverse DDT for the win.
Your winner, by pinfall, Vladmir Kozlov! Another unstoppable Russian, how generic can you get? A squash is a squash. 58 seconds.
Wherever Vickie and Edge are, they are talking about nice massages, pedicures and the like with cucumbers in their eyes and goop on their faces. For some reason at the end of this promo, it went to a Teddy Long’s eye view of the action. I always fear when that happens, because it usually means something stupid is about to happen. This time it was harmless, as Vickie and Edge’s pedicured feet just showed themselves off.
Back in the arena, US champ MVP headed to the ring in a suit. He joined Coach and Cole on commentary. He kissed the US title, which was nice. Matt Hardy cued his music and he’s in town to wrestle. MVP told Coach to shut up and stop talking. Awesome. Chuck Palumbo rode to the ring as Hardy’s opposition.
Match #4: Matt Hardy vs. Chuck Palumbo.
MVP told Coach to shut up again and said every time Coach talks he makes himself look stupid. MVP is great. He continued to rip on Cole and Coach saying “Cole and JBL were voted the sixth best announce team of all time, and Cole and Coach were rated the worst announce team of all time.†Ouch, those two were voted lower than the CZW tandem? In ring, Palumbo tossed Hardy down and applied a headlock. Hardy escaped but got knocked down by a shoulderblock. Hardy applied a hammerlock. Chuck hit an elbow. Hardy hit some rights as MVP was interviewed by Cole and told Coach to shut up and not involve himself in the conversation. Cole asked when MVP had beaten Matt Hardy and MVP brought up a specific time, a match Cole himself called at the Great American Bash. Cole, defeated, said it was about nine months ago as if that somehow nullifies the result. All this time, Hardy and Chuck are trading light offense.
R. Phillip’s Burn of the Night is brought to you by me.
Coach: Can I ask a question?
MVP: No, you can’t.
Flat out awesome. This has been R. Phillip’s Burn of the Night.
Hardy hit an enziguri and a Cactus Clothesline, knocking both men out of the ring. Chuck clotheslined Hardy from behind, Hardy bouncing off the table.
Back from a break, Palumbo hit the most awkward belly to belly overhead suplex ever. He applied a chinlock but Matt worked out of it. Palumbo hit a nasty back suplex for two. He applied another chinlock. Hardy got out but Chuck hit a big boot for two. He locked in yet another chinlock. Palumbo ran into a boot of his own. Hardy hit the Side Effect for two. They traded rights until Hardy took the advantage with a clothesline. He sidestepped Palumbo who sent himself into the ringpost. Hardy went to the middle rope twice to hit an elbow and a legdrop for two. He called for the Twist of Fate but Chuck escaped. Chuck hit a modified Samoan drop for two. Hardy countered out of a powerslam with the Twist of Fate for the win.
Your winner, by pinfall, Matt Hardy! This match was better then it had a right to be. It’s likely due to the work of MVP on commentary, keeping Coach quiet and Cole asking relevant questions. I question what the point of having Chuck come out of the strong feud with Jaime Noble to lose matches is about though. Eight minutes, thirty eight seconds.
Hardy and MVP gazed longingly into each other’s eyes. MVP taunted Matt with the title before leaving.
Back from break, Eve interviewed Jesse. Jesse had nothing really interesting to say, and Festus has less.
Undertaker cued his music as for the second time tonight, the champion comes out before the challenger. I don’t understand why WWE does this, especially with an act as special as the Undertaker.
Back from break, Vickie and Edge were in bed with a can of whipped cream and strawberries. Teddy Long interrupted them for some reason that will probably never be explained.
Jesse cued Festus’s music and led him to the ring. Main event time.
Match #5: The Undertaker vs. Festus – non title match
Festus roared and ran into a boot. Taker hit some light offense and a big boot for two. Taker hit short arm shoulderblocks but Festus hit some rights of his own. Taker took over the arm and dropped a leg on it. Taker hit Old School. Festus hit a powerslam and those godawful headbutts. Festus worked Taker over in the corner with punches and a choke. Festus ran into another boot and clothesline for two. Taker scoop slammed Festus but Festus avoided an elbow drop. Festus clotheslined Taker out of the ring but Taker landed on his feet. Festus slammed Taker into the barricade and hit the Worm chop. Festus hit some more punches but the champion sent Festus into the stairs. Undertaker dropped the leg on the ring apron. They rolled around on the mat for awhile. Festus hit some more light offense until Undertaker hit a DDT for two. They brawled some more, trading rights. Taker hit a clothesline but Festus got a boot up and hit a leaping shoulderblock for two. Taker Chokeslammed Festus but Festus got the ropes. Festus got up with another clothesline and Festus set Taker up in the corner but ran right into referee Little Naitch. Festus hit an Albert kick. Taker sat up but Festus got trapped in the Lance Storm Doesn’t Approve Triangle Choke. Jesse panicked at ringside but didn’t do anything since the ghost of Little Naitch was watching him. A second ref ran down and called for the bell.
Your winner, by ref stoppage, the Undertaker! Someday Festus can tell his kids that he wrestled the main event with “MURARRR!†This match had the most pointless referee bump ever. Nine minutes, twenty seconds.
Jesse pulled Festus out of the hold and tried to shield Festus from Undertaker.
Favorite match: John Morrison/The Miz vs. Shannon Moore/Jimmy Wang Yang. They had another good match, but it was the top of the heap this time because it was a slow week.
Least favorite match: Finlay vs. Matt Striker. Talented wrestlers forced to play second fiddle to a midget.
Another week, another yawn. Nothing to go out of your way to see here. Hope you’ve enjoyed the Crackdown, keep your teeth clean!
