Smackdown Crackdown 4-18-08

Welcome again Crack-heads. I don’t have anything fancy to say, so let’s get right to the action!

No opening pyro this week as Smackdown immediately starts off wirh RAW’s Intercontinental champion Chris Jericho! Smackdown is NOT live from London and the O2 Arena which may be best known for hosting the Led Zeppelin reunion last year. Jericho is hosting a special Smackdown edition of the Highlight Reel and his guest is the Animal Batista. Batista came out dressed up to wrestle, like he didn’t get the memo he was being interviewed. Later tonight, Undertaker vs. Batista V will take place. Jericho said he thinks Shawn Michaels enjoyed retiring Flair and stabbing people in the back all those years. They showed a recap of RAW on the newly upgraded Jeritron 6000. Y2J said that HBK super kicking him justifies that Shawn feels guilty about those things. Batista said he didn’t ask Jericho to do anything for him but he’d do it himself. Jericho asked if he can’t dish on his opinions anymore but Batista said not when it comes to his business. Jericho said he would analyze Batista, saying that Batista wanted to be the one to retire Flair. He wanted to get the torch passed to him, but Shawn Michaels took it. Y2J said Batista must feel bad that Flair HAND-PICKED HBK to be his Wrestlemania opponent over him. Jericho saw Flair and HBK say I love you to each other, but didn’t see any emotion from big Dave, who kept his sunglasses on the whole time being “too cool for school.” Jericho said everyone knows he is right. Jericho asked for a show of hands on who believes Batista wanted to be the one to retire Flair. He followed by asking for a show of hands on who believed Batista was more selfish than Shawn Michaels. A surprising number of people showed their hands for both questions. Jericho started to ask something else but Batista snapped at Batista Bombed Chris Jericho. Cole recapped that Jericho will be the special ref for Batista vs. HBK at Backlash, where both men have laid Jericho out.

Back from break, Cole suggested Coach bury his broadcast career at Westminister Abbey. Ooo, sick burn! In the arena, King Booker’s throne, cape and scepter were shown as Matt Hardy cued his music. The KOTR tournament is coming back to RAW. Hardy joined Coach and Cole on commentary for the next match. Somehow, Tommy Dreamer was already in the ring in his first singles match ever on Smackdown. The US champ MVP came out, which explains why Matt Hardy is calling the match.

Match #1: Tommy Dreamer vs. MVP – non title match

Dreamer’s bald spot has gotten noticeably smaller, which is nice. MVP threw his shirt at Hardy, who was looking away and missed it. MVP and Dreamer exchanged shoves. Dreamer scored some light offense, a hiptoss and an armdrag. MVP got a rope break and Dramer walked into a shoulder. MVP snapped Dreamer over the ropes for one. MVP hit a neckbreaker for one. MVP snapped Dreamer under the bottom rope. The US champ hit some knees before applying a submission. Dreamer fired up to a good reaction and hit some right hands. MVP came back with the running boot for two. He mounted the Innovator of Violence with punches. MVP applied another submission, which Dreamer escaped. MVP hit a facebusters and the Ballin elbow drop for two. MVP went up to the middle rope but got caught with a punch. Dreamer hit some clotheslines and a bulldog. He posed Raven and hit a neckbreaker for two. MVP hit elbows to Dreamers neck and went for the Playmaker, but Dreamer countered into a DDT for two before MVP grabbed the ropes. Dreamer went for the Spicolli Driver but MVP threw him into the ringpost. MVP hit the running boot in the corner for the win.

Your winner, by pinfall, MVP! When I saw this match on paper, I said “quick squash.” But I was surprised to see Tommy Dreamer’s best singles match in some years. Did he win? No, but that’s the thing with Dreamer, he doesn’t win often, but with the right booking (*coughPaulHeymancough*) he always comes off like a tough guy. Hopefully this is the start of something good for Dreamer, as MVP gets a good win before Backlash and Matt Hardy. Hardy speaking doesn’t do it for me, but even he made Coach and Cole better. Five minutes, thirty nine seconds

MVP taunted Hardy with the title as Cole pushed their US Title match at Backlash. The build for that match has been great so far.

Backstage, Finlay and Hornswoggle were getting ready for stuff.

Back from break, they let Matt Striker talk! Last week Striker says he was embarrassed by the Irishmen. Tonight “it isn’t even one on one, it’s one on .5, it’s one on a half.” Striker says it’s insulting, he has a Masters Degree in educational psychology and a 186 IQ. Finlay cued their music and interrupted Striker’s rant, which caused Cole to crack up like a four year old.

Match #2: Matt Striker vs. Hornswoggle

Hornswoggle juggled tennis balls and threw them at your teacher. Cole said those were $250 dollar tennis balls, which don’t exist in the real world. A can of three tennis balls runs maybe a 5 spot. Finlay tripped Striker, which allowed Hornswoggle to stand in front of Striker and thrust his ass into his face. Horny hit a running boot. Finlay kept handing Horny water guns to shoot at Striker. Striker broke the third one over his knee as Coach asked “Can we have a serious match, please?” I don’t think I have EVER agreed with that man before. Somehow, water hurts Matt Striker. Striker booted Finlay on the outside and threw Finlay into the ring apron. Finlay crotched Striker on the ring apron itself and threw Horny into Striker, which should be a DQ since the ref watched him do it. Striker finally caught Hornswoggle and threw him to the ground. He mounted Hornswoggle and slapped him plus a stomp. Suddenly Cole got serious saying it was disturbing. How is someone trying to win a match against a midgit any more disturbing than the idea behind this match? Striker found the shillelgah but the referee didn’t call it straight down the middle and took it away from Striker. Finlay hit Striker with another shillelagah and Horny hit the Tadpole Splash for the win.

Your winner, by pinfall, Hornswoggle. I hate wrestling. Three minutes, two seconds.

Cole said “this is what Smackdown is all about.” Ugh. Ugh. Ugh!

Cole and Coach promoted WWE Kids Magazine. Nobody can say WWE doesn’t pander to the kids.

Backstage, they recapped last weeks awful “Khali offers Big Show a peace offering” segment. Back “live” Big Show said Mayweather needed brass knux to beat him and Khali didn’t find the way to his heart. Show has Mark Henry later tonight.

Back from break, Coach mispronounced “Thames” as in the river. In the river, Chavo Guerrero and his new bodyguard headed to the ring. He is OVW’s Justin LaRouche, but in WWE he is called Bam Neely. Yes, really. They recapped the contract signing on last week’s ECW. Jaime Noble cued his music and we’ve got some cruserweight action tonight.

Match #3: Chavo Guerrero vs. Jaime Noble

Cole called Noble a “pit-bull” in case anyone remembers that shortlived gimmick. A brief Chavo chant started up as Chavo and Noble locked up. Nbole went for an armbar but both men mat wrestled for awhile before Chavo took over with a headlock. Noble escaped and they engaged in some more chain wrestling before Noble took Chavo over with an armdrag. Noble got a rollup for one and another for two. A backslide was ineffective. Chavo went for a Gory Special but sent Noble into the ropes instead. He applied an armbar. Chavo hit a knee to the gut for two. The former ECW champ hit more light offense and applied a chinlock. Chavo moved into a headlock but Noble countered with a back suplex. Noble hit some forearms and a Northern Lights suplex for two. He hit some knees to the head but Chavo legswept him. Chavo hit Two Amigoes but Noble countered into a swinging neckbreaker for two. Noble went for a Sharpshooter but Chavo escaped. Noble tried to back body drop Chavo out of the ring but Chavo snapped him over the ropes. He hit the Frog Splash for the win.

Your winner, by pinfall, Chavo Guerrero! Good cruiserweight match, nothing especially fancy but everything was solid. Bam Neely (god that feels stupid to say) not getting involved guarnatees a post match beat down. Six minutes, three seconds.

Chavo called Neely into the ring and told him to attack Noble. He hit a sort of Half Nelson Rock Bottom.

Back from break, King Booker’s stuff was still watching over the ring. Mark Henry and Big Show engaged in a race of who could walk to the ring slower.

Match #4: Mark Henry vs. The Big Show

The big men locked up in a test of strength, which neither man won. Henry suckered Show in and went to work with light offense before both men traded headbutts. Show took Henry down with a clothesline and hit a big chop in the corner. Cole destroyed all the work that the “Don’t Try This at Home” commercials work for by saying “take a skillet and hit yourself in the chest with it.“ Henry briefly took Show up in the air with a bear hug. Show escaped after awhile and Henry ran into a boot. Show hit a Chokeslam as Khali came to the ring. Show went outside to meet him, but was hit with a KHALI CHOP OF DOOM for the DQ win.

Your winner, by disqualification, the Big Show! Slow match, as should be expected. Henry got to display some power by taking Big Show in the air for a few seconds with that bear hug and Show displayed some of his own with a Chokeslam. That’s pretty much all that happened. Three minutes, thirty seven seconds.

Khali drove Show into the ringpost, then into the stairs, which didn’t bang as loudly as expected. Cole said Khali was “having his way with” and “manhandling” Big Show. Gay. Khali went for the Boogeyman Chokebomb. Show tried to fight out of it, but Khali hit it anyway.

Back from break they recapped the Chokebomb for those with ADD in the audience. Show vs. Khali takes place at Backlash, as well as a fatal four way for the WWE title, HBK vs. Batista w/Jericho as the ref, Edge vs. Taker for the World title. They showed a video recap of the Batista/Undertaker feud for the main event later tonight. For some reason, it didn’t include their fifth meeting in the Hell in a Cell at Survivor Series.

Cherry and Michelle made their way to the ring. Cherry’s still carrying her skates around for no real reason. Victoria cued her music and came out with Natalia mocking Cherry’s innocent manner.

Match #5: Cherry vs. Victoria

Victoria offered Cherry the first shot but shoved her down. She took Cherry down with a head drag, mocking Cherry where Deuce and Domino are. She took Cherry down with a snapmare and stomped her. Victoria slapped Cherry a good one. Cherry started crying and Victoria said there’s no crying in wrestling. Victoria hit a clothesline but Cherry rolled her up for two. Victoria kicked Cherry in the head and applied a camel clutch. Victoria punted Cherry and threw her down. Cherry landed a kick but got launched into the corner. Victoria hit some shoulderblocks and threw her down again. Victoria hit a scoop slam. Victoria yelled at Michelle, who got up on the ring apron, allowing Cherry to get Victoria from behind with a rollup for the win.

Your winner, by pinfall, Cherry! Well, two weeks after Natalia debuts and sides with Victoria, the former women’s champ is back to jobbing to valets. Just wonderful. Four minutes, twenty nine seconds.

Back from break, Vladimir Kozlov came out successfully on the first attempt. His opponent is Leroy Kincaid. It’s our Jobber of the week! Kincaid wrestles all around England, and is a student of one William Regal.

Match #6: Vladimir Kozlov vs. Leroy Kincaid

Kozlov started things with an armdrag and worked the arm of Kincaid. Kozlov took him down with a fireman’s carry and a hammerlock. Kincaid hit some shots to the ribs and got a headlock. Kozlov threw him off and hit a big shoulderblock. Kincaid hit some European uppercuts to a big reaction but was cut off by a headbutt. Kozlov hit a Mike Awesome overhead belly to belly suplex. Kozlov hit the reverse DDT for the win. Kincaid learned the art of jobbing well.

Your winner, by pinfall, Vladimir Kozlov! Another week, another squash. The most interesting thing about Kozlov is that his opponents usually get some offense on him. One minute, fifty four seconds.

Back from break, Edge and the Heads have bought tickets for the front row. I always wonder if they ctually bought them because I would imagine that wrestlers get comp tickets sometimes. Batista cued his music and its main event time. There’s a lot of time left as well. Batista apparently didn’t notice that Edge and the Heads were in the crowd, even when he was in the closest corner to them. Oh no, he noticed when he was in the farthest corner away. Weird. Undertaker cued his music to a major reaction Cole said this rivalry captivated “an entire world.” Only one world though. Taker noticed Edge’s presence before he even got to the ring. Someone has a sign saying “Undertaker Tombstone My Brother.”

Match #7: Batista vs. The Undertaker VI – non title match.

They locked up. Taker got the advantage with some punches and a clothesline for one. Taker hit a scoop slam but missed an elbow drop. Batista sent him in the corner and hit shoulderblocks and a big elbow for one. Batista hit a running boot for two. Taker hit a DDT for two. Taker hit some standing shoulderblocks, working the Animal’s shoulder. Taker hit boots in the corner and wrapped Batista’s arm around the rope. Taker went for Old School but Batista caught him with a clothesline for two. Both men hit simultaneous clotheslines and Edge and the Heads enjoyed themselves. Back from a break, Taker and Roids traded blows. Taker choked Batista on the ropes. The Deadman softened Batista in the corner even more but could not hit Old School again. Batista caught him up top but Taker fought him off. Batista ran back up top like Kurt Angle and superplexed Undertaker for two. Taker applied a headlock but pinned himself for one. That was dumb. Taker hit some headbutts and finally nailed Old School. He threw the Animal outside, punched him and put him on the ring apron. He nailed the legdrop. Back in the ring, Taker scored a two. Taker went for a Tombstone, but Batista nailed the spear for two. They traded blows as Cole said that a loss would “psychologically mess with the Deadman’s mind.” Batista clotheslined the champion outside, but Taker sent him into the stairs. They traded blows until the referee reached a ten count.

Your winner, there wasn’t one! Shorter than expected and anticlimactic. The match itself was ok, but it was cut off before it could reach third gear. Plenty of time for post match activity. Nine minutes, eight seconds of what was shown.

Batista sent the Phenom into the announce table but Taker sent him into the ring barrier. Taker threw him into the announce table, Coach said it was “mano y mano, man on man”. Badly translated AND gay! Taker attacked Edge and threw him into the ring. Both men dealt with the Heads and met in the ring. Edge hit a right on Batista, but Batista knocked down one Head as Taker went for a double Chokeslam. He couldn’t hit it though as Chavo Guerrero and Bam Neely attacked from behind. Batista hit Chavo with a spinebuster and Taker knocked Neely out of the ring. Teddy wheeled Vickie onto the stage and asked who Taker and Batista think they are? She said they have put her company in legal jeopardy by attacking Edge and the Heads, who were simply fans. They could file charges against Taker and Batista if they wanted. But it won’t be necessary because it’ll be Taker vs. Batista VII next week for the World Heavyweight Title. Batista had a look on his face like “durr, I no wanna get sued.”

Favorite match: MVP vs. Tommy Dreamer. I enjoyed this match more than I expected, and that doesn’t come easily with the Smackdown crew anymore.

Least favorite match: Matt Striker vs. Hornswoggle. Don’t even ask me why.

Hope you enjoyed the show again. Keep your teeth clean!